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Original poster

End of 44 year Friendship

43 replies

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:03

I met my friend at primary school when we were both 4 years old some 44 years ago. We have always been good friends though since adulthood have not lived near each other but would see each other a couple of times a year and phone/email etc regularly. On Facebook 2 days ago I ended up in an argument with her concerning Syrian refugees. Other people got involved and I am ashamed to say it went on until last night. I had a different opinion to her and she bombarded me with videos, new reports etc to get me to take her point of view which I didn't. She has now accused me of racism and our easygoing relationship has disintergrated into an untenable one. I can't believe it. Can it really mean if I don't agree with her our 44 year old relationship ends..

OP posts:

Supermanspants · 06/09/2015 20:05

Let the dust settle for a few days then speak to her.
The refugee crisis is bound to generate passionate debate and polarised views. When was the last time you actually saw her in person?

Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:07

I must add that she is a black lady born and bred in UK and I am white British. I have never been accused of racism and hold it as a most disgusting thing. I must also add that she often has great fall outs with friends and family so this type of drama is not uncommon to her, but to me I don't do drama and feel stupid at 48 years old to have got into this ridiculous situation. My husband thinks it is ridiculous.

What do you think I'm confused???

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vicarinatutu · 06/09/2015 20:09

never argue via a keyboard.

its too easy to let rip. why not just ask if you can agree to disagree.
i have lots of issues i would and could fall out with friends over from this latest syrian crisis to fox hunting...not everyone has to agree with you to be a pal surely.

Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:10

Hi Supermanspants she came to visit us 2 weeks ago over a long weekend had a good time no problems. The worse thing is that she is saying she has always found me to be racist but she has put up with it because I suffer from depression. I think she has gone mad. Worse still she recently did a reference for me and says if I contact her in anyway she will contact them retract the reference and tell them what she now thinks of me. This reference is very important to me and she did a glowing one which they were very happy with.

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Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:13

My husband did say stop now tbh vicarinatutu but she really pissed me off tbh. You are so right keyboard is terrible for communicating. I did ask her to stop several times and even unfriended her on Facebook but she wouldn't stop. I even said is this worth 44 years of friendship obviously she thinks it is. A couple of her friends got involved as well it wasn't pretty.

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Supermanspants · 06/09/2015 20:15

Well in that case if she is prepared to retract a reference and then run you down to a prospective employer then let her stew. That is a pretty nasty threat to issue to a lifelong friend and I certainly wouldn't be falling over myself to make contact.

Sometimes friendships run their course, like r'ships. Would it be the end of the world if this one fizzled out?

Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:16

I must add I said I would unfriend her on Facebook just to calm things down but would add her again when the crisis resolved. She didn't like that!!

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newnamesamegame · 06/09/2015 20:17

For what it's worth I had a huge public ding-dong a couple of years ago on facebook with a friend who I've known for over 20 years over something a lot more trivial than the Syrian refugee crisis. It led to a big row over the phone and us not speaking for several weeks. It was very painful but we moved on and its completely in the past. The chances are you will be able to put it behind you.

vicarinatutu is right about not arguing over a keyboard, particularly not via social media. Words or remarks which could be softened face to face sound hard and cold typed and its harder to take things back. But you're here now....

Your friend is obviously very upset and emotions are running high and the fact other people have been roped in doesn't help.

But I don't think all is lost. Take a step back and leave it for a few days. If I were you and based only on the paragraph you've written, I would write to her calmly (and privately) saying you are sorry if what you said upset her, you stand by your beliefs if you do -- but your friendship is worth more than that and you really don't want to lose her. I would say you understand that she may have a different perspective on things from you and you would like to try to understand this better, but you are hurt to have been described as a racist. And I would tell her you are ready to talk to her when she is ready.

I would be amazed if she doesn't come around.

Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:19

The reference one is pretty scary to me Supermanspants as it is a reference to do with adopting a child she knows if she affected this I would be devastated.

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cuntycowfacemonkey · 06/09/2015 20:23

A relative of one had a ding dong on Facebook in which someone accused her posts of being racist. She was most insulted BUT if you choose to share bloody Britain First type status's then you have expect people to have a reaction. She's adamant that she is not racist but unfortunately she comes across that way. Without knowing exactly what was said the. It's impossible to say if your comments were racist or not.

Why anyone would engage in a Facebook barny is beyond me

Iwasworried · 06/09/2015 20:26

I think you need to leave it now I'm afraid. Maybe in a few months or a year or so it might be worth testing the water with a Christmas or birthday card for example but for the moment just step away, you will only make it worse if you try to fix it now.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/09/2015 20:27

Emotions are running so high about the refugee crisis that I think if one of my friends were to say that they didn't think Britain should help the refugees or allow more in, I would feel very disconnected from them, immediately. I wouldn't sever the friendship but it would give me pause.

It's probably best to let her know that you really love and value her, and do want to continue the friendship but that you will wait for her to contact you in her own time.

Why do you think she said she's always found you racist - did she back that up at all?

I've lost a friend of long standing for no apparent reason in the past and it does hurt, I know. It's so confusing. But in a way a friendship that long is unusual and with every passing year it perhaps gets more likely that it will hit an issue...

Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:28

Interesting newnamesamegame and I am glad to hear you patched things up with your friend.

We agreed quite early on in the argument to accept our different point of view but then she bombarded me with information to a point where she was spouting the Bible and saying she was a Christian etc. She says if I don't apologise she does not want to hear from me again.

I think I should say originally I did say I was a little concerned that if the UK took in thousands of refugees at the same time (as she suggested) how could we house them etc. But I have been accused of being 'inhumane, evil and disgusting.

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lighteningirl · 06/09/2015 20:34

I have stopped seeing a very old friend since the election her vile fb comments and insistence on her political views being the only correct moral ones and the sheer nastiness to anyone disagreeing with her just put me off her I don't think my mind will change. Threatening to withdraw her reference and putting your adoption at risk is unforgivable walk away and never speak to her again.

Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:38

That's the whole thing AtrociousCircumstance I do think Britain should help but she was saying take thousands and thousands of people all at once and I was saying hold on Austria and Germany are doing their bit and I questioned about the Emirates etc helping and why they didn't help and it got kind of messy.

I have no recollection of saying anything racist in the past and can't believe she would have let anyone get away with it anyway. When we were children I would protect her from any racist remarks etc. I am a trained Nurse and have looked after many nationalities without any problems.

This friend is usually saying I am her oldest and dearest friend sends me sloppy birthday and Christmas cards and endless cartoons of great friends fun stuff all the time. Which makes me think maybe our relationship had no real essence to it anyway.

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VerityWaves · 06/09/2015 20:41

I think you have to leave it too. That's a really nasty thing to say re. The reference. Even if you disagree with someone politically there's no need to be so extreme.
I wouldn't try to speak with her again really.

Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:45

cuntyfacemonkey she did suggest I join Britain First something that I had never heard of but I'm guessing by what you have said that it is pretty suspect.

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Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:48

I couldn't believe it when I read her text about the reference VerityWaves. It reminds me of a woman I used to work with who when she split up with boyfriends would sit and plot revenge and do her worst to get back at them, but then she was very immature and only 20 not a 48 year old mother.

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Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 20:52

Yes I have to leave it and wouldn't dare do anything that could make her make contact about the reference this is our only chance to have a child and she knows the agony I have endured over this. Am so sad though really it is horrible.

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TRexingInAsda · 06/09/2015 20:58

I think I should say originally I did say I was a little concerned that if the UK took in thousands of refugees at the same time (as she suggested) how could we house them etc.

Tbh that was a bit of a stupid and heartless thing to say in the face of the tragic pictures of 2 dead kids washing up on a beach, and if that is your most pressing concern on seeing those pictures, then I can see why she doesn't want to be a reference for you adopting or be your friend.

Get another reference and cancel that one, presumably you can tell them this is a friend you've fallen out with.

I've defriended some people for similar reasons recently. If someone told me they'd re-friend me when we'd calmed down, I'd laugh! So arrogant, it's up to them, not you.

LadyLuck81 · 06/09/2015 20:58

I can only imagine how much this has hurt you but please walk away. My bet is that in time she will feel ashamed of her behaviour and seek to apologise and patch things up. In the mean time I wouldn't risk your adoption trying to fix things before she is ready.

I'm sorry she has behaved that way.

MrsGinnyPotter · 06/09/2015 21:04

I am not for one minute saying you were in the wrong at all but I think if I were in your position I would wait a few days for the dust to settle and then contact her and apologise and basically say you agree with her POV or whatever you have to to keep the peace not with loosing such an important reference. I hope you two both sort it out properly though :)

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/09/2015 21:08

This is why I just never get political on Facebook. No matter how strongly I feel about it. On the one hand I feel I should be using this incredible communication tool to noble ends, on the other I've just never ever seen a political debate on Facebook end well, or in any way solve the issue under discussion. It just seems pointless. Give me cat videos and drunken selfies any day.

Mintyy · 06/09/2015 21:09

This is one of those (many) threads where only hearing one side of the story makes it impossible to judge.

Original poster

oasiswaterpool · 06/09/2015 21:19

It is all pretty ridiculous really shebaShimmyShake when other people get involved with the argument as well on Facebook. She says her friends were consoling her whilst my friends were getting fed up with the many many messages she bombarded me with and said can't she just take it that other people have different opinions.

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