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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

has anyone else had- 'you are not the girl I met'.

40 replies

IreallyKNOWiamright · 06/09/2015 17:40

as it says above. anyone else had this conversation with their dh recently.

I am guessing a hot new girl is at work or he has had a crush on someone that looks sparkly and 'different'.

OP posts:
Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 06/09/2015 17:47

I'd list the things about him that have changed. Start with " yeah you've lost your hair/figure/insert something else since we met too!" He obviously thinks he's still a smoking hot lady killer Hmm

Aramynta · 06/09/2015 18:00

If I were still the same girl DH met our marriage would have ended long ago.

Have you had kids and grown up into a mature and responsible woman? Of course you won't be the same person!

Thanks OP. Your DH needs a reality check.

Original poster
IreallyKNOWiamright · 06/09/2015 18:58

of course i am not the woman he met. I have grown up, had a dd and stand up for myself I tell him what I want and I don't think he likes it ;-)

there are lots of things I have noted how he has changed. I don't list them or say it.

apparently I swear to much and worry about how I look all the time. :/

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 06/09/2015 19:39

Unless he hooked up with your doppelganger/twin sister, of course you're the girl he met and always will be but the views you held then you may no longer hold now and you may have become interested in matters you weren't aware of at that time. In short, you've matured over the years just like the finest wines and cheeses Grin

I reckon you've got it in a nutshell; he's hankering for the days when you were subservient to his master's voice and, knowing what you know now and probably wish you'd known then, there's no chance of history repeating itself.

Theuglytruth33 · 06/09/2015 19:42

That's life we all grow and change as people.
Your still the same person.
I like to think I am the same person.
Then again my hubby left me so maybe not Hmm

Bogeyface · 06/09/2015 19:45

He means that you no longer hang on his every word and spend every minute of every day thinking about him and adoring him.

Which makes me think that you may be right that someone has turned his head, someone who (at the moment at least) does hang on his every word.

You dont seem too bothered about it though......

AnyFucker · 06/09/2015 19:48

Is he always such a twat ?

Original poster
IreallyKNOWiamright · 06/09/2015 20:26

The reason I am not too bothered is because I know what exactly has gone on and I have had words, with the woman who has been turning his head. Her reaction gave away everything as she didn't hang around for very long after I mentioned it.
But basically I think he has had a thing for a female colleague who is 50 and should be ashamed of her self for hitting on a married man.
Not only was she discussing outside issues in email to him but had been visiting his office when she has nothing to do with his department.
I knew there was something because he threw a strop after she had stopped contact.

OP posts:
Hopefulnewbie · 06/09/2015 20:33

If my DP said that to me then the OW would be welcome to him.
The fact he had strop would set off alarm bells- even if nothing has gone on, that's not right.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2015 20:33

have you had any "words" with him at all ?

any consequences for his actions ?

Original poster
IreallyKNOWiamright · 06/09/2015 20:39

I have told him if he contacts her again or speaks with her that's it, or I find concrete proof/hear from colleagues (it's a small town) anything did happen further than emailing and chatting in the 'office' he's out off too his parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
IreallyKNOWiamright · 06/09/2015 20:41

my sister thinks it's in my head, but his reaction and her 'blocking' me on fb is a sign that something was nipped in the bud. (I hope)

OP posts:
Hopefulnewbie · 06/09/2015 20:56

Has he even explained himself, said sorry, said there's nothing in it, begging you to hear his side?
Sounds like your fighting for a man who doesn't give a toss (I obv don't know the details- I'm just going on your posts)

Original poster
IreallyKNOWiamright · 06/09/2015 21:09

I don't think he does either. I was trying to talk to him the other day about why does he never compliment me. And why do I bother trying to look good, but I bother because I take pride in myself.
I could wear a bin liner and he won't notice. Other people notice the effort I make not him.
He went on making excuses that relationships are not about attraction.
He could not bring himself to tell me that he is still attracted to me. He said because of my insecurity, (which I am working on and starting counselling soon) nothing he will say or if I even met someone else/other people would help me feel better or confident about myself.
I don't know what his idea of relationships are, but I thought relationships were about attraction. ffs. Am I wrong here??

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 06/09/2015 21:15

Yes, because it's all your fault.

Of course you're not the same person you were X years ago. People aren't supposed to remain unchanged and undeveloped over years and years, and to be completely unaffected by experience. He's probably stunted though.

Hopefulnewbie · 06/09/2015 21:17

No, you are not wrong! Your DP should be the one making compliments and be the one to try to build your self esteem.
Sounds to me like you need to have a serious conversation explaining exactly how you feel, what you need from him and how he has made you feel and if he doesn't realise how lucky he is then someone else will.. Life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't care.
I'm not one for saying 'leave him' but I think there's comes a point where you have to think about what you want from a relationship, and if he's not willing to try -your not on the same level it's only going to get worse

AnyFucker · 06/09/2015 21:19

perhaps you have low confidence in yourself because you are married to an arsehole ?

Original poster
IreallyKNOWiamright · 06/09/2015 21:29

I thought I would start my counselling and then see how I feel in 3 months time. He does not help me though, if I am really struggling and have a low day he gets wound up instead of building me up. I always feel second best, even though his hours are 'family friendly' he is so career focused he forgets about others in his life.
We went away this summer, he took all this work i pad and phone and yet when I showed an interest in his work he was 'on holiday' and switched off, so didn't want to talk about it. I said not enough to be bringing your i pad.
He moans at my taste in music my taste in films. so yes he can be an arse, and I am starting to get to the point of wondering if I am best on my own.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2015 21:47

I think you would be better without him

mumofthemonsters808 · 06/09/2015 21:58

I think you both need some time apart, even if it is only temporary, he needs to consider if he still wants to be in a relationship with you and you need to think about how much belittling you are willing to put up with. If things remain as they are you will end up with little self worth, no self esteem, paranoid and rowing with every female who flutters her eyelids at him. He will eventually grind you down, so it really is time for some deep thinking.

Original poster
IreallyKNOWiamright · 07/09/2015 09:38

yes. I was wondering about some time apart.
I think he does want to still be in a relationship but he just cannot express his feelings.
I find it really hard - it doesn't take a second to say 'you look nice'.
Are some men just not bothered about looks 'really'?? or is it because he struggles with his feelings in general that he doesn't say anything??

OP posts:
Isetan · 07/09/2015 09:57

Oh dear God woman, seriously! If he is open to having an affair you're going to have a hard time "scaring off" all potential candidates. Treating him like some misguided fool and the women he takes a shine to, as 'husband stealers', is just plain old denial.

I hope counselling helps.

DrMorbius · 07/09/2015 10:10

AnyFucker - I think you would be better without him

Sometimes I wonder about the vacuity of the "advice" given on here. Either that or the advice giver must have the insight of a mind reader/demi-god. So from 5 (one sided) posts, you have deduced that the Op would be better without him Amazing.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2015 10:18

This all just sounds like
'I love you, but I'm not IN love with you' crap that cheaters come out with.
Ask for a break and see how you get on without him around.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 10:28

I believe that women are better off without these half-baked men, yes

Don't you, DrM ?

Don't tell me you are one of those men who object to women telling other women they can do better than what they are being offered.?

Because your one post has told me that.

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