has anyone else had- 'you are not the girl I met'.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

as it says above. anyone else had this conversation with their dh recently.

I am guessing a hot new girl is at work or he has had a crush on someone that looks sparkly and 'different'.

i agree - you would do a lot better without him.
he's dreaming of getting out but he's too chickenshit to do it.
is this what you want for your life - to be pandering to someone who clearly does not love you?

this " I love you but I am not in love with you" shit is spouted by people who want the other partner to carry on keeping the home fires burning while they look elsewhere

it's also very helpful to their cause to diminish any self respect, have them questioning themselves, have them taking all the responsibility and be the one looking for solutions to the big fat mess

DrMorbius you've been here a while so surely you know by now that Anyfucker knows everything.
She really does!
Do YOU believe she should stay with this man?
Read the OPs parts properly. Do you really think this is all she deserves?

I agree with Anyfucker.
honestly, the shit i see women putting up with on here is just staggering.

AwesomeAF Sun 06-Sep-15 04:06:13

When friends ask you how you are you can tell them you're doing brilliantly, you recently distanced yourself from an unreliable needy friend and things are going well.

DrMorbuis come on admit it, this is you under a namechange, right ?

Taking his ipad on holiday may have been to keep in touch with the OW. From what you have said he sounds like he has already started something with her .

AF - you may have an extraordinary powers of duduction and to be able to conclude from my one post, that I am one of those men who object to women telling other women they can do better than what they are being offered. Even more creditable when my post didn't even address any of the Op's issues.
However you are beyond bonkers if you think I was awake 4am Saturday night/Sunday morning posting on MN.

OP, leaving aside the possible/probable cheating:
I have grown up, had a dd and stand up for myself I tell him what I want and I don't think he likes it

This is a similar story to how my marriage broke down.

My self-image had changed from me feeling needy, unconfident and relying on my H for all emotional support, to realising that actually I was stronger than he was.

During one argument he shouted at me, "This is what always happens to me! I help someone when they're weak and need me and then when I elp them get strong they fuck off!"

I said, "Have you considered what it is that makes you seek out vulnerable women as partners?"

He was like

But that's exactly what he had always done throughout his life, not because he was abusive, but because he felt that a strong woman would not "need" him, and he could not bear that.

Keep on with your counselling. You are growing and changing, and not for the worse.

I agree with Anyfucker as well.

But then I always do.

I also agree with CalmYourselfTubbs that the shit I see women putting up with on this forum is just staggering.

I haven't had "you're not the girl I met" but if I had I would have ended the relationship. It's a comment designed to put the blame for whatever's bugging his ass on you, and is devoid of any intellectual content.

You are the same person. You have not morphed into Linda from Accounts. You may have grown and changed your perspective on various things as any mature observational person does with experience, but that is expected. If he seriously, and I doubt he's given the matter that depth of thought, means that you are at fault for not having been frozen in liquid nitrogen the day he met you, then he is clearly far too immature to be of any real interest.
DrMorbius may not approve of the sentiment but I too think you can do better. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Playing catch-up with his latest flame? Having to Have Words with them? Dragging your dirty laundry round the town? Checking his phone?
As my dear departed Dad used to say "Better an empty house than a bad tenant."

The way some men come on and pull other women up for calling it out is quite staggering too.

Op, your life could be much, much better than this

"You're not the girl I met"

turns into

"You're not as much fun as you used to be"

turns into

"You're fat and boring"

turns into

"No, I'm not seeing anyone, you're fucking paranoid"

turns into

"Fine, I'll leave then, you miserable cow!"

turns into

"We met after you and I split up."

I have no idea why these shitty men follow the exact same script as each other, maybe they lack imagination, but follow it they do. Good men don't, of course.

OP, I assure you, there is life outside of this and it's brighter and better.

thanks everyone for your lovely replies. I haven't abandoned the thread just been really busy.
Yes, I know I can do better. When you have been with someone for so long, it almost becomes the norm that this behaviour is right, you just push it under the carpet hoping he will change but he doesn't. I have realised I have changed and I don't find this behaviour acceptable anymore.

good for you

This does sound like a very dysfunctional relationship.

Don't focus on the woman, look within your relationship and don't try and 'win' with looks, that way madness lies.