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Original poster

End of relationship - relocation with child

68 replies

Flumplet · 06/09/2015 15:08

Hi all. I've been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 13. We have a ds together aged 4. We met at uni and I moved 100+ miles to live with him in his home town. We bought a house together before getting married. We have been thinking of moving for over a year to a bigger house locally, however it is becoming apparent that our relationship is drawing to a close and I am considering using my half of the money from the house to pay off my debts and move back home. I don't have an awful lot keeping me here. No family, no friends, I don't feel loved by my husband, I'm very lonely and don't enjoy my job). Would it be unreasonable of me to start afresh with my son in my home town? Has anyone done this before who can offer advice?

OP posts:
IguanaTail · 06/09/2015 16:10

True lunar - there's no perfect option. But I don't think it's fair to say that by thinking of not remaining somewhere she feels isolated and miserable is selfish.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/09/2015 16:11

I think you should go for it Flumplet. And best of luck to you Flowers
(surprised there isn't more balance on here so far regarding responses)

VikingVolva · 06/09/2015 16:11

There's no reason to think she will be unhappy by remaining in the town where she has lived for the past decade of so. Indeed, once separated there will be all sorts of possibilities for making a new future right where she is.

And if there is need for family support, then perhaps she could get on the train every other weekend to see them?

The DC has the right to a relationship with both parents. This trumps the putative happiness of one parent considering the hypotheticals of (rise-tinted?) life in childhood town or continuing in the place where she has spent whole adult life and their DC his entire life.

IguanaTail · 06/09/2015 16:11

He just shrugged and carried on doing whatever he is doing on laptop.

Doesn't sound like he's desperately interested and keen to be there for him.

BurningBridges · 06/09/2015 16:12

Just had to scroll up there to see if we were in AIBU by mistake. OP has said that the partner isn't really that interested or hands on, and that she is willing to chip in with costs/get car etc., to facilitate visits (where presumably the boy's Dad will continue to be not very interested).

Tanito279 · 06/09/2015 16:13

I moved 100 miles to live in my home town and my ex fully supported me. We were happy to see each other every other weekend. Then a month later he moved to London 100 miles in the other direction to live with his parents. We're struggling now. So no advice except do what is best for your child, which in my case was being near family and having a bit of free childcare. Good luck x

IguanaTail · 06/09/2015 16:14

I don't think it "trumps". I think it's a factor to be considered.

If I had my 4 year old and was in a job I hated with no support and a husband who I didn't love and felt isolated, you better believe I would be giving very serious consideration to living near my own family who I know would be really keen to help and support. In some families, the grandparents and uncles and aunts are indeed more supportive than dads. OP will know if that is the case with her.

Shiningdew · 06/09/2015 16:15

I would be very upset if this happened to me - I don't know though.

VoyageOfDad · 06/09/2015 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Supermanspants · 06/09/2015 16:32

I think you need to stay put for now. See how things pan out regarding your DH seeing your DS and his active (or otherwise) involvement. If it becomes clear that he genuinely doesn't seem that bothered and starts to disengage then that may be the time to consider your options.

lunar1 · 06/09/2015 16:38

Put like that voyage it sounds like a complete waste of childhood, they would miss out on so much.

Cabrinha · 06/09/2015 16:43

On how actively involved he is:
My XH was shit with our child. Didn't do a thing when I was there - he had to step up and at least feed her when I was working away, but nothing beyond basics.

Divorce has been the making of their relationship, IMO. OK, so he didn't bother to ask for her at weekends for EIGHT months - until he got a new girlfriend and it was convenient to look good and provide a playmate for her daughter who is with the mum full time. (If that sounds like a bitter interpretation, then they split he stopped asking for her at the weekend, started again when they got back together Confused)

Anyway... she now has a great relationship with him and has done a lot more with him (albeit only when it's a complete new 'happy family', but she doesn't realise that)

It would have been FAR better for my life to have moved. If I had, I really don't think they'd have the lovely relationship they do now.

Cabrinha · 06/09/2015 16:46

At 4, you won't be considering weekend activities much. But next year he'll be in school, and there will be parties at weekend, maybe things like joining a sports club.

What happens when at 6 he's dead keen on Sunday morning football, but never makes the team because EOW he's 100 miles away? At least when you're both local, the child can have one life with two homes.

SurlyCue · 06/09/2015 16:46

I agree, i think stay put for now, I dont mean stay married, leave him if thats what you want but stay local. See what happens with DH. Maybe start with a 50/50 arrangement and see if he is actually interested in parenting and supporting you. If he proves not to be then you could look again at moving. Its quite possible he doesnt seem too bothered bow because A) he doesnt think you'll really leave and B) if youre currently doing all parenting/care he maybe sees no space for him to step in and do his part. If you left the house/marriage he might suddenly realise how important his relationship with DS is and step up to the plate.

SurlyCue · 06/09/2015 16:50

What happens when at 6 he's dead keen on Sunday morning football, but never makes the team because EOW he's 100 miles away?

Yes i have experience this. My DS kept not getting picked for the team because EOW his dad wouldnt take him to training. Not due to distance, he just didnt bother. The first match my son did get picked for his dad didnt bring him. It broke his heart. We had to call time on the football and he now knows he (and his younger brother) can never join a weekend activity. Birthday parties can be a battle ground too. I now have to outright refuse any invitations that fall on his weekend. My youngest son really struggles with this.

antimatter · 06/09/2015 16:52

tbh 100 miles can be driven in 90 min or 3 hours in worst traffic - what is the actual journey time between your current house and your mum's home?

Nonnainglese · 06/09/2015 16:56

100 miles in 90 minutes ??
Hmm

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 06/09/2015 16:58

Have you tried to improve your life where you currently live? Change jobs? Join some clubs or something so you can make friends? You might find your life really opens up and becomes much more enjoyable once you are no longer with your DP, you get to do your own thing etc

Original poster
Flumplet · 06/09/2015 17:06

I don't know what im going to do at the moment. I hate living here it's known nationally as being a dump. I think quality of life where I'm from originally is much better (including better schools). I'm aware it would be a massive upheaval. I will take my time to consider the options. These things can't just happen overnight.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 06/09/2015 17:07

tbh 100 miles can be driven in 90 min or 3 hours in worst traffic

Bear in mind that one journey is likely to be on a friday evening after school or once the dad has finished work and already driven 100 miles to collect him. They will probably hit all the friday evening traffic and possibly need to stop for toilets and or food. And then back on sunday. I wouldnt put my kids through that every or every other weekend. In fact, i cant stand my ex and i wouldnt even put him through that.

Temporaryanonymity · 06/09/2015 17:09

I did this, only is was a little further than 150 miles away. My exH is an alcoholic and at the time was in and out of residential rehab for nearly a year. I had little choice but to move back to be near my family and friends. Where we lived was very expensive and I knew my home town.

Judge away, but it was the right move for me and my children. Incidentally, my exH is now sober and left the town where we once lived and moved. Guess what? He could have moved to where we were, but he didn't.

Cabrinha · 06/09/2015 17:24

But Temporary you felt you has little choice. You needed the support because the other parent couldn't provide it, from rehab. It's not the same situation here at all.

I don't think it would screw up this child's life... But I do think it wouldn't be as good as having both parents featuring equally in day to day life.

antimatter · 06/09/2015 17:32

yes, 100 miles in 90 minutes if motorway is empty and you live not too far from exits
I drove 190 miles yesterday in 3hours and 10 min, including going through town at 30 mph at each end for 25 min but it was very early on Saturday morning

springalong · 06/09/2015 18:52

For those of you glibly talking about going to court and PSO - let me tell you from bitter experience that I cannot think of a faster way to totally destroy any chance of a cordial relationship between the 2 families of the DC. This child is 4 - 15 years of future hell. Surely serious compromise and discussion from both sides has to be worth trying first.

sonnyson12 · 06/09/2015 19:42

springalong,

The mother is the 'glibber' and catalyst for 500 miles of 'future hell', what compromise would you suggest?

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