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Original poster

Stress of a new baby or just a shit marriage?

48 replies

Kalokagathia · 05/09/2015 22:37

NC as I'm not discrete on my usual MN NN and I don't want anyone in RL to know I'm having marriage difficulties.

DD is 3 months old and DH and I have started to argue quite a bit.

I don't know if it's just the stress of a new baby that's making us argue or if it's just the fact that we aren't compatible and have a shit marriage.

How can I tell?

How do I know when to call it quits and give up on my marriage?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/09/2015 22:55

Why do you think you 'aren't compatible and have a shit marriage'? (And what are the arguments about?)

MistressWeatherwax · 05/09/2015 22:58

How long have you been married/together? What do you argue about?

With a 3 month old, I think sleep deprivation can make everyone grumpy, but you should still feel like a team (at least most of the time, maybe not at 4am).

Original poster
Kalokagathia · 05/09/2015 23:08

We seem to be arguing about everything at the minute.

I don't even know where to start with it all... Sad

I feel like we 'argue' about lots of things, rather than discuss them because DH doesn't ever try to see anything from my POV.

For example, he's depressed and wants to go out with his friends so will make plans without discussing it with me.

I think it's a bit 'cheeky' to make plans to go out without even checking if I'm happy to look after DD on my own, and to be left in on a Saturday night with no notice at all.

He thinks that because he wouldn't care if I just told him I was going out, I shouldn't care if he does it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kalokagathia · 05/09/2015 23:10

I don't feel like we are a team anymore.

The other week DD wouldn't sleep and had been awake for 3 hours, at 5am I was absolutely exhausted and asked DH for some help and he just said "it's not my night" and went back to sleep.

We've been together for 5 years.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/09/2015 23:13

Hmm. How do you know he's 'depressed'? Does he mention it to you as a reason for not doing things?

Original poster
Kalokagathia · 05/09/2015 23:19

He's told me that he thinks he has male PND.

He's unhappy at work and parenting "isn't what he expected".

No, he just tells me he's depressed when we argue.

OP posts:
expectantmum79 · 05/09/2015 23:20

Get dressed up and go out then, ask him immediately beforehand (or just tell) see how he likes it. Maybe next time try doing something nice together If all goes well. If it doesn't go well you a r your answer.xx

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 05/09/2015 23:21

He sounds like an arse. You should be a team. It's not ok for him to make plans without discussing them with you, he's treating you like a babysitter. You are not default childcare.

And as for refusing to help you, that's not on. If my dc wake at silly time then dh swaps with me and let's me sleep a bit more.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 05/09/2015 23:24

Is he getting help then? Or just using it as an excuse to go out. What were his expectations?

expectantmum79 · 05/09/2015 23:26

(You have).

Original poster
Kalokagathia · 05/09/2015 23:29

He claims that if he did discuss it with me, I would just say no, which is such bollocks! I don't mind him going out at all, I just think it's polite to discuss it first. To me, that's what couples do.

I just hate these last minute plans, it means I'm then stuck in alone with DD. Mat leave Mon-Fri can be lonely enough as it is!

expectant I don't want to do that, I can't say to him I wouldn't do it and then turn around and do it myself!

OP posts:
DragonsCanHop · 05/09/2015 23:30

Not his night??

I remember arguing about really "silly" situations when our DD (s) were at such a young age. I really did think he was a complete and utter arse.

And then I found MN realised he made me tea every morning, got me snacks when I was BF, took older DC out for hours on end so I could sleep with our baby, let me rant and cry without joining in, made me a packed lunch on days he was working, lots of little things that made the new months easier, we still argued in the middle of the night but it made it bareable,

Is he helping you in other areas? Do you have friends that could come and help and shame him

Original poster
Kalokagathia · 05/09/2015 23:34

He thought that parenting would be a lot easier.

DD isn't that difficult, but she doesn't always settle for DH.

I think he thought that he would come home from work in the evening and DD would smile and giggle at him, be happy to see he is home and then he would bath her and put her to bed and she would sleep peacefully all night. She would only cry for a reason and because he was her dad he would know exactly what she would be crying for... etc etc etc.

When, of course, the reality is much different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kalokagathia · 05/09/2015 23:40

Dragon yes, DH does 'night duty' on a Friday and Saturday.

He does do his fair share with DD but I am starting to feel like because he does these things that he feels he can 'take' back in return rather than discuss, if that makes sense?

I don't mind give and take, but I'm starting to think he's taking it a bit too literally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kalokagathia · 05/09/2015 23:46

I'm just starting to feel like I don't actually like who he is as a person.

He can be very giving but when it's something he wants, he's an incredibly selfish person.

That's why this 'give and take' thing is sticking in my head. He gives a lot but because of that he feels he can 'take' as and when and however he likes.

Everyone thinks he's a wonderful husband but I'm just starting to feel really trapped.

OP posts:
MistressWeatherwax · 06/09/2015 21:51

Maternity leave itself can be quite hard and lonely I think. It's hard to explain that to someone who is not doing it.

Do you still like your DH? Can you see in him the things that attracted you initially?

Scarydinosaurs · 06/09/2015 21:58

Yup, I recognise this. It got a lot better, but it took hard work, and by the time we had DD2 he was a different dad. Still shit about a lot of stuff, but then so am I. It's really hard. We'd never even argued until we had a child and then suddenly I felt like I didn't know who this prick sitting across from me was.

Are you getting time to yourself? Have you been able to go out and enjoy yourself a little bit and reconnect to who you are outside of being a mum? That's so important and gets really (understandably) neglected.

Original poster
Kalokagathia · 06/09/2015 23:31

We spoke this evening. He recognises that he is being selfish at the minute and that he needs to change.

He said he is just finding it hard to adjust to the big changes that a baby brings.

I haven't had much time to myself, I think I need to do that to remind me who I was before I became 'mummy'.

Now I've had a chance to calm down (I was a mixture between furious, fed up and emotional last night) yes, I do still like him. I still love him, I just hate the selfish streak that he has.

I can't imagine my life without him, but equally I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who behaves like this.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 06/09/2015 23:53

He said he is just finding it hard to adjust to the big changes that a baby brings.

Hmm

Yeah, welcome to parenthood.

That's no excuse for being a selfish, self-obsessed, self-diagnosing douche-bag.

scallopsrgreat · 06/09/2015 23:57

How does he think you adjust to parenthood? Just as well you are btw. You might want to point that out to him!

Male PND? Pffft. Just another entitled bloke thinking childcare should be wifework and why should he put the effort in.

scallopsrgreat · 06/09/2015 23:58

Actually BathtimeFunkster puts it much better than me Grin.

Original poster
Kalokagathia · 06/09/2015 23:58

[nods in agreement]

I know, I know.

His expectations about parenting were something out of a Disney film.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kalokagathia · 07/09/2015 00:01

The thing is he actually does do a lot but he ruins it by then acting like I'm in his debt because he does a lot.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 07/09/2015 00:40

But he's not doing these things for you, he's doing them for his daughter.

She's the one "in his debt" for his unbelievably generous acts of caring for her (rather than just himself).

Tell him to start keeping a tally.

He can present it to her on her 7th birthday.

Scarydinosaurs · 07/09/2015 07:15

bath I wish I could like your post!!

My DH definitely got better around her first birthday, but I had to really have it out with him when he was being a dick.

Have clear boundaries- neither of you can spring last minute 'going out' on the other deliberately, and you must make time for yourself.

Hopefully he will return to the man he was, I think pointing out to my DH how fucked he would be if I left him helped matters...

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