Stress of a new baby or just a shit marriage?

[Kalokagathia]

NC as I'm not discrete on my usual MN NN and I don't want anyone in RL to know I'm having marriage difficulties.

DD is 3 months old and DH and I have started to argue quite a bit.

I don't know if it's just the stress of a new baby that's making us argue or if it's just the fact that we aren't compatible and have a shit marriage.

How can I tell?

How do I know when to call it quits and give up on my marriage?

I was surprised that more than one set of friends (in long term relationships) broke up within a year or two of having children. Having had a child, I understand it more.parenting is hard and tiring, but more than that, it's the first time I really needed my partner to step-up and help me - mine had a wobble in the first few months, i thought about leaving and then he fully embraced parenthood. In return, this has made me love him more. Best DH and daddy. We couldn't ask for more.

Sorry, meant to say, yours might get there too. It's still early days.

Don't sit around waiting for him to "get there".

This is the first really hard thing you've had to do together, and instead of pulling together, he's acting like a dick.

You are allowed to make your own choices about staying married to someone whose first reaction when the chips are down is to treat you like a non-person.

He's finding it hard?

What because he had to leave his work? Have massive changes to his body? Had his whole life changed?

I'd be pissed at how self absorbed that statement is. Has he even considered that it's 200% harder adjustment for you?

Hopefully he snaps out of it quick. The newborn stage is almost over, time to establish your family and relationship properly again. Hope he puts in the effort and stops pouting.

Why do you have to be in his debt because he did some parenting? Whoop de do. It's not optional.

He does tend to only think about how something impacts him and not anyone else.

I think it's his upbringing, his family are all like that too, they are incredibly self absorbed people.

When I say he does a lot for me too, I mean that, for example he does the night feeds on a Friday and Saturday (that's for DD) and looks after DD so I can lie in until midday, on Saturday or Sunday, if I need the extra sleep.

Because I've 'just got on with it' I don't think he has realised that motherhood, not being at work etc is a huge adjustment for me, but I just get on with it, so he thinks it's a walk in the park for me.

To be fair, he also does most of the housework, too.

I do think it comes as a shock the, the reality of parenting. The newness of it all is The same for both of you. He needs to know that you are taking such a big part of looking after your baby and to just 'Take himself off' is very selfish.

We visited a couple recently with a 3 month old.,They Said she had been quite a good baby so far. Then the husband said, "at least we have done the worst part, it can only get easier from now on"

I made the mistake of 'just getting on with it' after my ds was born and i didn't really articulate or let on how fucking exhausted and deranged I felt a lot of the time. My dh is one of those who is lovely, but in order to actually get him to understand what I'm feeling he requires tears, drama etc and I'm not easily pushed into either. I tend more to talk and use words to describe how I'm feeling but this just doesn't seem to get the message across. Perhaps you need to be more direct and expressive with him about your experiences?

Also men do suffer from PND and I find it a bit much that some on here are so dismissive of him labelling himself with this. If he is genuinely feeling depressed his ability to problem solve will be impaired, including his ability to seek appropriate help for himself. Men have difficulties seeking help anyway and tend to act their difficulties out either by becoming immersed in work, games, going out with mates (head in the sand basically). It sounds like he's struggling to acknowledge your experiences as he's so self focused and this is what's hurtful and needs to be addressed. Perhaps coming up with clear guidelines on when you both have time to yourselves would be good, e.g. every other Saturday night you choose whether you want to go out or have a cosy/early night in or whatever. Saturday nights aren't owned by him!

I have a 3 month old as well. It's fucking hard work

My DH has a couple of hobbies that if he went every time would take up two evenings and an afternoon each week, or three evenings. He would ask me if I was ok with him going but I never said no.

A few weeks ago when things were really tough with DD on an evening I asked him in advance not to go to an evening practice. He agreed but then forgot (or something, I don't know) and started getting his stuff together the night before. I was furious and I told him so (up to then, I'd told him when I was finding things hard, but it had usually been via text through the day as and when things were happening). He didn't go and since then has really stepped up his game.

My (long, convoluted) point is that he should be responding to your needs. My DH doesn't do any of the night stuff (I've never asked him to) but he will do a lot in other ways (we both like cooking, for instance, but he'll let me do it while he takes DD as I see it as a break for me!).

In answer to your original questions I think it is more stress of new baby then shit marriage but it is probably the first time your marriage has been tested and the first time you may have had to work at things. None of this means your marriage is shit just that you need to work on things as a couple to make sure it doesn't become shit ifykwim. Having a new baby is hard on any relationship it turns your world upside down and inside out and I think all relationships wobble at this stage as you both a. get used to being a parent and responsible for this tiny little baby and b. adjust to parenting with your partner. You are both individuals with different childhood different experiences, different ideas on how to do things so it is important to keep talking, keep discussing what is wrong and how things could be done better, keep talking about your expectations of them this goes both ways, give each other time to adjust. It has been said that having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into the middle of your marriage, as time goes on you will adjust and figure each other out and there will be things he does as a parent that drive you bonkers and vice versa but as is true with kids pick your battles and keep talking

In my case my relationship 'worked' before DD because neither us had any responsibilities. I had rationalised and excused a lot of poor behaviour on ex's part because I was independently minded and in denial. When DD came along, my Ex acted like parenthood was my responsibility and an option for him and I had very little support (thankfully DD was a very easy going baby). Ex literally (DV), knocked some sense into me and I realised that my expectations for him ast a father was far greater than my expectations for him as a partner.

The scary part is, I could still be with that waste of space if it wasn't for DV and the criminal justice system disciplining is arse.

Your (not so dear) H needs to get his shit together and fast. He is shamefully using depression as excuse to behave like a selfish and inconsiderate arse. I'm guessing he was probably always like this and you now needing his support and consideration has exposed just how one sided it was in your relationship.

Tell him, not in a confrontational way, but over a drink open up and say what a huge head fuck it's been for you to. He needs to know what a massive change to YOUR life it's been too.

Thanks all. Your posts have been really helpful.

We've had a long talk and he has acknowledged that he hasn't been doing enough to support me emotionally. I think he thought that practical help was all I needed. I think I also need to be more honest with him about how I am feeling, I bottle it all up far too much.

I'm hoping things are looking up, however, I am prepared to walk away if things don't improve.

We have a 22 month old and an 8 week old and i completely get where you're coming from. DH does a lot for us all, I really can't deny that, however I get annoyed when he arranges things 'for him' which apparently he needs due to the stress of parenting. I BF both and DD1 still doesn't sleep through at 22 months so I haven't actually had a night completely off in almost 2 years, and with 2 pregnancies and 2 babies don't really get any time to do anything for me. We've had a similar discussion about it being courteous to discuss plans before making them, I told DH that that's what adults in marriages do, he didn't agree! He said its normal to just plan what you want to do and let your partner know afterwards rather than discuss in advance. I know that all our current problems are down to the relentless exhaustion of having two under two.

I don't think he sounds like a selfish prick. It sounds like you are both struggling to adjust to the biggest life change there is. Recognising that you need more emotional support sounds like a positive step for both of you. Being on maternity leave is hard, it's not a holiday and that's hard to understand until you are in the position. Try to be patient with yourselves and each other.

I agree Lost I think we both just need to be a bit more understanding.

Worlds I take my hat off to you! Two under two sounds like more than a handful!

he has acknowledged that he hasn't been doing enough to support me emotionally. I think he thought that practical help was all I needed.

Oh, that sounds familiar!

You do need practical help, though, so at least he's stepping up in the way he's good at.

he didn't agree! He said its normal to just plan what you want to do and let your partner know afterwards rather than discuss in advance.

Not when you have 24/7/52 shared responsibility for two completely dependent beings.

Somebody has to look after your babies while he goes out. By not asking in advance, he is forcing you into the position of his default childcare.

That is not cool, not considerate, and not at all fucking fair.

I suggest you make a plan to be away without either child, and announce it as you waltz out the door.

Preferably at a time when you know he has other plans (because considering that your spouse might have plans isn't important, right?)

And then sit this fucker down and explain that he is not just a husband now, he is a father, and fathers don't get to plan their social lives without making sure someone is willing to mind their children.

Bathtime thanks for your reply. I'm a bit confused as you have quoted some of my posts and some of WorldsBiggest's posts so I'm not sure if your advice is to me or her?

DH had agreed that he was being a twat last week won't be planning any nights out without checking with me first.

Bathtime I have told him all of those things and thankfully he now realises what a twat he was being

No, sorry - second bit not for you.

Was just saying that giving practical support counts for a lot when you have a small baby.

It even helps to get your emotional side back together if you aren't having to stress about housework etc. :)

Good for you, WorldsBiggest :)

(Can't call you Grotbag! )

Ah, I get it

You are right, practical support does count for a lot. DH is very good when it comes to that.

One thing this thread has made me realise is that we just don't tell each other how much we appreciate what we do for each other.

Maybe I don't have a shit marriage, after all.