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Relationships

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Original poster

Talking about sex to DS 18

34 replies

AWayToGo · 05/09/2015 21:08

DS is 18 and has his first girlfriend - shes a little younger. Feel i need to have the sex talk with him - don't rush into anything and don't get her pregnant is what i want to say. Don't think they're having a sexual relationship yet, but what do I know?

I don't have clue what to say ot him, or even if I should. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Thebookswereherfriends · 05/09/2015 21:10

I think a lot of people are going to com on here and tell you you've probably missed the boat with needing to have a sex talk with an 18 year old!

ooerrmissus · 05/09/2015 21:13

Assuming he knows the basics!

My dad in the same situation said to me 'i hope you are being sensible, taking precautions'

And then we both died of embarrassment.

twirlypoo · 05/09/2015 21:13

Like pp, I think you may have missed the boat! My mum got me a "bees and the birds" book when I was 18. Id been sleeping with my boyfriend for 2 years by then

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/09/2015 21:13

Yes I think 18 is a bit old for that chat, won't he tell you to mind your own business?

ChristineDePisan · 05/09/2015 21:14

Is this really the first time you've discussed sex with him? How much younger is "a little younger"?

twirlypoo · 05/09/2015 21:14

Haha, bees and the birds?! Sorry, I'm a little tipsy!

PurpleSkyatthewateringhole · 05/09/2015 21:16

In the words of my dfather - if you're old enough to be having sex you're old enough to cope with a baby. If you don't want a baby don't have sex or take double precautions.

rouxlebandit · 05/09/2015 21:16

Why do you 'feel the need to have the sex talk' with him?

TeaAndNoSympathy · 05/09/2015 21:17

How much younger is she? It makes a huge difference if she's 15 verses 16 or over.

Floralnomad · 05/09/2015 21:17

Way too late if you've not already discussed sex with him , but it's never too late to remind them about safe sex and being careful about what they do .

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 05/09/2015 21:18

Bloody hell. In our house the sex and relationships talk is ongoing. My daughter is 9 and it's already started. My son is 16 and never had a relationship and we are very open.

I suspect that if he's 18, you've probably missed the boat.

Haffdonga · 05/09/2015 21:19

Assuming you've had age-appropriate chats all his life and this is just a top up now it's for real? I'd say exactly what you said don't rush into anything and don't get her pregnant (plus remind him about respect and safety).

GnomeDePlume · 05/09/2015 21:24

About contraception:

What have you said to him already? Talk to him honestly and clearly. Be factual. This is useful for statistics.

Remind him that contraception only works if you use it. The least effective condoms are the ones which stay in the packet.

About relationships:

Talk about respect, having fun, keeping other friendships alive etc

Mostly just keep talking

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/09/2015 21:30

Liking your post Gnome
My DC are 16 and 13. We do try to talk to them a bit about relationships and sex but I do worry it's not enough, and all slightly random
But as you say just keep talking is something?

pocketsaviour · 05/09/2015 21:40

I'm assuming you've already talked to him about it but feel the need for a refresher, as it were?

I would talk in detail about consent, give him the cup of tea analogy (although he's probably already heard it), talk about equal responsibility for safe sex/contraception, tell him not to send/ask for any photos he wouldn't be happy with being posted on Facebook or emailed to his Grandma, and explain that real sex bears about as much resemblance to mainstream porn as driving your Corsa does to Need for Speed 4.

Then invite her round for tea :)

Morganly · 05/09/2015 21:53

I think it's highly unlikely that you can tell him anything that he doesn't already know. Most 18 year olds will have had all the school sex ed & contraception lessons plus picked up lots from friends and reading and the internet etc. You need only be concerned if you think he is a bit sheltered or naive so may not have picked stuff up, or he mixes with a particularly laddy group so may need a shot across the bows about consent and respect etc, though if this is his first girlfriend at 18, that's probably not the case.

If he is generally a sensitive and intelligent young man, I think you should probably trust him, though no harm in being open to conversations about the girl and their relationship generally if he seems receptive.

Joysmum · 06/09/2015 01:17

I'd assume he knows the mechanics and practicalities but unlike other posters, I don't think you've missed the boat.

This is exactly the right time to tie in the book learnt facts with the emotional connection tying in with a sexual relationship. That's the bit most people getting into their first relationship aren't particularly prepared/aware of.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 06/09/2015 08:24

Your son is 18 and you're going to have the sex talk with him. Sorry, but if this isn't part of your regular interactions with your son, you've spectacularly missed the boat!

TenForward82 · 06/09/2015 09:29

Yeah, really hoped you've talked about this already with him.

123Jump · 06/09/2015 09:47

I was presuming that the OP is talking about what pocketsaviour refers to, the non mechanics around sex.
Emotional issues, consent, the whole issue around images/recording sex,respect, issues relating to porn...
If your child is having their first relationship, which many don't until they're 18yo, then there may not have been a need as such,felt by the OP to discuss these things. She now feels she does want to discuss them.
Whilst I will have discussed most of these issues with my DSs by the time they're 18yo, I would still go over it all again if they were having they're first relationship.
They never listen to me the first time anyway!

Moln · 06/09/2015 09:55

I imagine the best way to start is by mentioning the girlfriend, the fact you think she's lovely etc. then add that he needs to respect her, in the sense he should never guilt or pressurise her into anything she's not happy with jury because he wants it.

Whilst he's realing in embarrassment simply add on the importance if using condoms correctly.

I've been talking to my 11 year old about respect recently. Just light stuff such as not making people feel bad to do things.

scatterthenuns · 06/09/2015 10:00

Like twirlypoo, my mum missed the boat too. By the time she sat me down to talk consent and losing my virginity, it was long gone.

I'd go down the contraception angle with an 18 year old. 'So DS, GF seems lovely and I'm really pleased you've found someone who obviously makes you so happy. Have you sorted contraception out? Do you need help?'

Take it from there.

Shodan · 06/09/2015 10:19

My dad in the same situation said to me 'i hope you are being sensible, taking precautions'

And then we both died of embarrassment

I had a similar conversation with ds1 at that age. Obviously we'd covered all the basics well before that but DH suggested it might be as well to mention the safety aspect again.

So it went thus:

Me (whilst driving ds1 somewhere): Right. I need to say something, we're both going to hate it, so let's just get it over and then forget about it, ok?

DS1: (starts looking very uncomfortable): 'K.

Me: I just want to...I mean...erm...are you and X being... you know... safe?

DS1: OH GOD! YES! SHUT UP!

Me: Good! Right! Ok! What do you want for dinner?

Wishful80smontage · 06/09/2015 10:21

How much younger is the gf?

Nonnainglese · 06/09/2015 10:27

Assuming he probably thinks he knows more about sex than you and I, like Moln I'd just discuss the emotional, respect and consent elements again.
Luckily we'd discussed everything about relationships as it came about, so no big fuss or embarrassment on either side.

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