Yes he was unreasonable, he knows he was unreasonable, how do we move on?

[AnotherDayAnotherFridge]

Dh and I have had a rough year (massive understatement). I had disability issues that are now much improved but ongoing, dh had depression, we had a newborn (as well as older dcs), and it all happened at once.

Dh admits that he has screwed up. He needed lots of emotional support, I needed a lot of physical support and instead of pulling together we pulled apart.

He was amazing. He looked after all the dcs. He dressed me. He did all the housework (I couldn't).

In return I gave him full and unconditional emotional support. I talked him down from his anxiety, I comforted him, I was there for him.

Things got better physically, I took back the reins of doing most things, he was still good and hands on (working full time) and that regained its balance.

But the depression stayed, and his neediness continued and I supported him.

Then he did something stupid. I want to be vague about it, i did post at the time. He basically wanted me to create an online profile for him so that other women could boost his self esteem.

I was devastated and hurt. He was shocked that it hurt me, but as soon as he thought about it, he could see that of course I would be, and was so sorry.

I felt like I'd been so supportive, and this was just a kick in the teeth. Why wasn't I enough?

And it brought up all this resentment in me. Yes he did everything physical for me when I was ill, but he wouldn't touch me or show me affection. Yes he did all the housework, but there were places downstairs that I couldn't get to in my chair, because there was stuff everywhere, and one day, when I was alone, I sobbed as I had to use the broom to clear a path through all the shoes and things to get to the toilet. I felt so useless and trapped. It didn't happen only once.

I didn't want to nag. He would spiral at any negativity, and I learned that it was easier not to mention things than to have to emotionally support his "oh god I'm so terrible" after I'd pointed things out. I know how that sounds. I felt trained. But I don't believe he did it on purpose.

So the profile thing was 3 months ago. He's tried. He didn't at first. He just waited for me to get over it, but since then he's tried. We became closer.

We used to talk everything through anytime one of us was unhappy. But I find it so hard now to mention things.

Then we planned to get away. Just the two of us. We arranged babysitters for the whole of next weekend. He sorted it all. We would have some time just the two of us. We were laughing again.

Then two nights ago, I was sat next to him on the sofa whilst he was on the phone to his DM. She wanted to come and visit next week, and dh said, "I tell you what, we've actually got this coming weekend free, why don't you come then and stay longer?"

I couldn't really believe what I was hearing. This big weekend that meant so much to me, he just gave away without even running it by me.

I just got up and left the room.

I was... I am so hurt and upset that the one thing I was looking forward to, our first childfree night in years, was just given away.

He came up after he'd got off the phone. He saw how upset I was, he apologised. Later he called his DM back and cancelled them coming.

He bought me flowers and chocolates. He walked through the door, took all the dcs, and said go and do whatever you want for the evening. He made me my favourite.

I just feel numb. It's not that big a deal. But it feels like he took the thing I was valuing the most, and threw it away.

I feel like I'm in shock.

I don't know who he is anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to get past this but I'm not sure how.

We were such a good team. Just a year ago we were on track, communication was fantastic, he thought of me and I thought of him. That's how it had been for years. Now it's just crumbled. He doesn't think of me anymore. I can't and don't want to stop thinking of him.

I don't want to LTB. Last night he asked me what I want and I said "it doesn't matter what I want, I don't have it in my power to give me what I want. I only have the choice of stay or go, I can't change your behaviour"

He is willing to do anything. I can't help but feel something is broken inside me.

Just tell me I'm overreacting. This is a bad patch and we'll get through this. I know he is a good man. I just don't know if he's able to be good for me anymore :(

Well done for your primal squeak it sounds as though you have found your voice. Identifying your lines in the sand and communicating them to him is absolutely the right thing to do and it sounds as though he is responding to that well. Make sure you don't internalise the responsibility if he slacks off and let you down but also make sure you acknowledge his positive actions - like taking the kids. Doesn't have to be a big deal, just a thanks or well done to let him know you've noticed.
If you want to make it work the key is not to get dragged into a negative spiral where you both withhold positive affection from each other, waiting for the other one to do it first.

Good luck! Keep on squeaking

Whatif, I do believe he's still depressed, and he has been very ill at times. But you're very right about the buddy system.

I don't know if it was his depression clouding his thoughts. I know at times I was his anchor and he utterly trusted in me being there to keep him safe. I think that was abused and taken for granted. Somewhere along the line I stopped being a person and became the thing that would help him get better.

Iwasworried, I know I'm struggling with being grateful in amongst the anger, but i do thank him when he does things (just as he thanks me).

it's been a weekend of ups and downs. Too much wine (me) on Saturday night, meant I certainly didn't hold back about how bad I was feeling yesterday we gardened together, cooked together, watched a film together, and it was... Distant but easy.

He has booked a counselling session for us for Tuesday evening. I'm hoping this will help.

If she's any kind of apologist for his actions, then I'm not interested, and I won't be entertaining that.

I can't clearly see how my actions led him to do what he's done, but I can also clearly see that he made the decision to be so cruel and selfish, so my being over nice to him, does not make it my fault.

In some ways a counsellor trying to lay the blame at my door could be exactly what I need. If he didn't defend me and set her straight, then I'd know he wasn't the one for me :o

I can clearly see how my actions...