Angry about the way parents are treating my marriage breakup

[Beaverfeaver2]

2 weeks ago I decided to leave my husband after a long time of being put down, negativity, rudeness, financial control etc etc etc

I had not shared how I had been suffering inside with any of my family or any of my friends.

I moved in immediately with my parents and over the past two weeks have been keeping busy by seeing friends and letting them know what's happened.

My friends all have the same identical reaction - one which is that they are not at all surprised. They they thought it would happen and they are glad I have finally made the decision and that things will now start getting better for me.
When I ask each of them why they weren't surprised, as none of them asked me any reason or details as to why I left, they also have the same response in that they saw the way he spoke down to me and that they thought that he wasn't a very nice person to me.
As annoying as it is that they hadn't said this sooner (they all said it wasn't their place and as I never showed any reason not to be happy they thought I was ok) I am glad to have heard it from them and each time I hear it I know I have made the right decision.

Because my parents are cross with me. Full of judgment and disappointment.
My little sister isn't even talking to me!
They all want me to move back in with him and try harder.
They say that I have a lovely house and a lovely dog which I am giving up on and that should be enough for me.
They say that everyone has problems as did they in the past and they work through it.
They see me as having given up.

When he came around a week after I left to talk things over I made sure my mum was there so I felt safe and like I had a pair of ears to ensure he wasn't too verbally abusive and that if he was she would see it.

He stayed for 5 hours and wouldn't leave. Mostly shouting at me.
In parts crying and telling me it's all my fault and that I'm just depressed and he doesn't want this (after telling me repeatedly to leave him)

She heard all of this and at times tried to leave the room. At no point did she say anything or try to get him to leave me alone or leave the house.
When things calmed down she asked him to stay for dinner!
I was so hurt that she had done this.
I didn't need that. I need to be away from him.

A week later and he comes over today to collect our dog from my parents house. I have mostly managed to ensure I am out to avoid him but this time I was in and straight away he started being angry with me again.
So I walked to the room where mum was and he followed and continued his rant.
All the while mum not saying anything again.
I was about to head out to dinner with some friends and said I need to get ready to try and make him leave and then mum offers him a beer!

I have also found out that he comes over and stays for at least an hour when he collects the dog sometimes and they discuss me and think of ways for me to go back to him

I am at a loss of what to do.
They are making me question everything until I see my friends again and all feels right again.

I am rock bottom, no job and no where to live, losing my love home and maybe my dog.
(My dad told me explicitly last night that they wouldn't have him whilst I sort myself out, which mum has since promised won't happen)

It doesn't feel right. It makes me feel just as abused at the place I seeked refuge as I did when I was living with him.

I spent today job hunting and have applied to many jobs and arranged meetings with old clients and recruiters to give me the best chance of finding something soon so I can get out of here.
All the while having dad tell me that I would never be able to afford to live alone and I will now be stuck forever. I'm only nearly 30 years old! I don't expect to be like this for long or alone forever. I'm very much hoping that many more positive things come out of this, but I fear it's caused a barrier between my parents.
I have told them how I feel about the things they say to me but they just tell me it's their opinion and they are so they want to give advise.
I don't see it that way.
Why can't they see he was abusive and still is trying to be?

He keeps asking me to meet up for dinner and drinks at the weekend. I don't want to. I don't want to now or ever.
I've told him I'm busy for the next week and I will let him know when I'm ready.
He wants me back and is being all apologetic and says he will change.
Mum and dad think that's enough and say that he obviously really loves me.
I fell out of love with him a long time ago. And I've told them that.

Until I settle into a new job and can move out how else can I get rid of this negativity? It's not helping me sleep or concentrate on all the important things I have to sort

Your mum is an enabler. is she one of those that believe a woman should stay in a marriage no matter what because she is the property of her husband? Or even more sinister is she from the school of "i had to put up with it and stay in my marriage so why shouldnt you"

She is not supporting you Is it possible for you to go and stay with one of your friends?

Oh i see your dad is doing it too. Phone a refuge/ Womens Aid for advice and tell them your parents are being emotionally abusive as well as your husband.

I don't think I can comment on the rights or wrongs of leaving DH, but I do find it odd that you want your parents to intervene in your marital problems. I know you'll say that you just want them to have your back and support you in your decision, and certainly not be inviting him to join them for dinner / drinks / etc. But honestly, I think you need to grow up and take responsibility for your decisions, and you need to stop looking to your parents for validation. They, too, should stay out of it, they just shouldn't get involved at all if they feel you are in the wrong.

It could be that your dps think you'll go back to him and don't want to do or say anything which may turn him against them if you do.

While your friends who have validated your decision to leave your h, it may be some time before your dps climb on board Team Beaver if, indeed, they ever do.

In any event, you've made your decision and it's to be hoped you'll soon be in a position to move out of your dps' home because feeling that you've gone back to a time when you were dependent on your parents brings its own negativity, which is quite apart from that engendered by their lacklustre support of you wanting to end your marriage.

You are not seeking the approval of your parents OP (does your Mum post on Mums net?). You are hoping for loyalty and support from them and receiving the opposite. Betrayal. I have been through what you are describing - it's awful - and in the end I cut all contact with my ex and my family. Although it hurts, it's not a huge loss because none of them ever thought anything good about me or had my back. Well done on leaving this horrible, abusive man. Stick to your guns. If you have no one else you can stay with, I agree you should approach a refuge. Good luck x

Thank you for the replies at this time of night.

I don't sleep very well at the moment.

Both husband and parents seem to want to now my every move too at the moment.
I am ensuring I am out as much as possible and will be going away with friends from Friday afternoon and may not be back until Monday morning.
I'm dreading them asking and as unfair as it is I just feel like leaving.
I can't rock the boat too much whilst relying on my parents for now.

I hope they do come around and they see I am going to be happier.
I hate that he has so much contact with my parents and because I am avoiding them it's almost like he is showing me up to be a bad person when I just want to feel safe.

Do you have any friends who'd put you up until you can find a job?

I wish I did but they are either single with roommates already or coupled up and no spare rooms. I haven't asked anyone mind you but by telling people what's going on in sure they would have offered if they could

If you can't move out of there yet you can only be firm. Repeat your mantras until they give up. No discussion.

The marriage is over.
I'm never going back
I don't want him near me
It's my decision not yours
he is abusive and I won't tolerate it any more

If he won't leave and is shouting etc threaten to call the police then follow up on it.

Also phone women's aid and see if they can help.

I'd distance myself from the parents, tell them the marriage is not for discussion. They don't know the full story and should simply be supporting you in this instance. Absolutely they shouldn't be inviting him to bloody dinner!!!!

Likewise tell ex h to knob off! Meeting to transfer the dog is a 2 min job no need for anything beyond that.

Good luck with the job and new home hunting

Why can't they see he was abusive

Because they're abusive. It's probably why you chose an abusive partner - you were used to it.

I had this gut-wrenching realisation when my family did precisely the same thing when I left my abusive husband. He suddenly became the love of their life

I went into therapy and the whole thing unfolded: no wonder I'd chosen such a shit for a husband, it was all I knew!

Get out of there as soon as. I am NC with my family. When the chips were down they stabbed me in the back.

Please contact Womens Aid and sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
It's best to attend the course in person but you could do it on-line.
If he comes round then please go out.
Even to a cafe for a coffee, just don't put up with it.
Good grief, 5 hours, I've have shouted in his face and run out of the door long before that time!
You don't have to put up with him anymore.
As soon as arrives, you leave, or try to be out when he arrives.
Keep repeating to your parents, He's abusive, I need your support not more abuse from you. Repeat and repeat and repeat.
I'm not sure it will sink in but gotta be worth a try.
Good luck with the job hunting. I hope you find something very soon.
Sounds like you were put down from a younger age and your parents are still doing it. Do try to get away asap!
And don't forget - Freedom Programme!!

It seems to me that your parents primed you perfectly for an abusive relationship as an adult. As springydaffs say, they are abusive towards you, just as your husband is. It sounds like you're being told on all sides that you don't know your own mind, have no right to make your own decisions, should be grateful for what you have and just shut up and stop being such an inconvenience to every one. Well bugger that!

You sound very sure of what you want, and very sure of what you don't want. You are entitled to your feelings and to live in peace and quiet. You have enough self respect to realise that you don't want to live in a miserable marriage any more. Hold onto that.

I'm so sorry that things are so tough for you. Absolutely agree with advice to distance yourself from your parents as much as possible. I've been in your situation re being undermined and made to feel like shit by abusive parents. It hurts, and distancing yourself from them hurts, but it is the path to sanity and freedom. I can't recommend psychotherapy enough, to help you with the process of getting your head around all the dreadfully toxic abusive stuff you have had to deal with x

Agree with Springy and Pianos - it's no surprise you've ended up with an abuser when your parents are so neglectful and unsupportive.

You might find this book an eye-opening read: If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth

In practical terms - make whatever plans you need to get out of there as quickly as possible. You cannot rely on getting the proceeds of the house sale in the near future. Get any job that will pay enough for you to rent a room in a shared house or flat.

Ask your friends to put the feelers out and ask around for anyone who has a room to let, similarly if they know anywhere that's recruiting. You can probably pick up call centre work quite easily if you've got some in your area. You sound intelligent and articulate; most places don't require much more than that!

Could you also ask around your friends to see if any of them could foster or re-home your dog? I don't think you can rely on your parents for this and even if they agree to keep him, they will use him as a stick to beat you with.

"am rock bottom, no job and no where to live, losing my love home and maybe my dog"

Oh OP, its tough that after being brave enough to leave him- you now have this. You need to get AS MUCH EXTERNAL SUPPORT as you possibly can to give you strength. I AM ASSUMING YOU HAVE NO KIDS?

Sound to me like your priorities are

get yourself an emotional suit of armour, and some strength to not engage with this conversation
Ensure you do NOT get back with partner
Look for work, and eventually financial independence

sound like, as others said, that the abuse started with your family

WELL DONE! you have got out and you should be so very proud of yourself- keep taking each day at a time XXX

If you are living in your parents house they are entitled to know if you will be there for mealtimes or if you will be away for the night. It's probably also basic courtesy to let them know if you will be home after their usual bed time.

They aren't entitled to know more than that about your movements although for good relations it's probably wise to keep up a vague dialogue about your plans for the day.

Your ex husband doesn't need to know any of your movements.

Re the dog - stop swapping him over at your parents. Find another meeting point so that you can just hand them over and walk away.

Long term shared custody of a dog may not be a realistic proposition though, especially if you end up in a shared flat - you are going to have to face that I'm afraid.

Make getting a job and somewhere to live your full time priority. Once you have your own space, however small, your life is your own.

Talk to your friends. Even if they can't offer you somewhere they may know someone who has a spare room and needs a lodger (and like Dogs).

Go and see a Solicitor - you can usually get 1/2 hour free advice. The "lovely house" etc. are 50% yours, you need to fight for your rights. Women's aid may be able to recommend a rottweiler (Solicitor) for you. (Friends may even be able to recommend someone.)

Do do the freedom course.

I think you should say final goodbye to the dog. That ties you to him. It wouldnt suprise me if he suddenly didnt want the dog at that point either.

You seem to have a lot of disposable income to be out so much and on weekends away. Can you pool what you have and travel for a while? Find a job abroad? Have an adventure?

Why dont you have a job? Seriously.

Did you lose it before you split?

I would not give me DD hassle about splitting up with partner - relationships fail, all part of lifes tapestry and all that.

But I would go nuts if she turned up, with no job and just whinged about the dog FFS!

You are almost 30 YO. You need to be able tostand on your own feet and support yourself.

heatherandtherex

*Why dont you have a job? Seriously.

Did you lose it before you split?

I would not give me DD hassle about splitting up with partner - relationships fail, all part of lifes tapestry and all that.

But I would go nuts if she turned up, with no job and just whinged about the dog FFS!

You are almost 30 YO. You need to be able tostand on your own feet and support yourself.*

OP left her abusive husband two weeks ago, there could be a multitude of reasons why she hasn't worked or isn't currently working. What's done is done, berating OP for not working is just nasty. Don't be such a dick. Being upset about the dog is perfectly reasonable, a friend of DH's was in a abusive marriage for years, her pets were her lifeline, the only thing that kept her going, have some empathy.

OP

They shouldn't be doing this, obviously. I'm sorry they feel the need to behave like this, as if you don't have enough on your plate :(

You've done wonderfully leaving someone who treated you badly. That is a huge thing, HUGE. Agree with others about distance and mantras, keep it vague, enforce boundaries, remember that this is temporary, you're only two weeks out and there is a long way to go but you will get through this, and you'll be on your own feet and starting afresh soon enough. Agree with others about seeking legal advice and seeing what can be done about all this. Healing from an abusive relationship takes time but it can be done.

Have some from me, it's going to be alright. You deserve better than an abusive husband and parents who treat you like this. I hope you have a great weekend away with your friends :)

Nice hereandtherex, and very helpful. Do you always enjoy kicking people when they're down?

How is 5 hours shouting at someone in their home and refusing to leave not abusive???

Give OP a break, it's been only 2 weeks and she's trying to extricate herself from two abusive situations at the same time

How you have interpreted that OP's ex is "fed up" is beyond me. Sounds like you're projecting to be honest based on what OP has said about herself. I work, I think everyone should work, but that's my one opinion, if OP hasn't been working there is nothing wrong with that at all and it is entirely her affair and as I said, there could be a multitude of reasons why she hasn't been.

Financial control, shouting abuse at her, putting her down constantly, these are abusive behaviors. Abuse doesn't have to be "off the scale", you don't have to be put in hospital for it to be considered abuse . How ignorantly simplistic of you.

It's been two weeks, that's no time at all, it takes time to get over that kind of thing and get your head straight, and when assets like their home and things are still up in the air, that also takes time to sort out. You can't just walk out and find a job and move into a flat the next day and everything be right immediately. That just isn't how the world works.

OP's parents want her to go back to a relationship she was unhappy and felt unsafe in, that is not normal or proper behavior.

You sound absolutely vile and a bit thick. Not everyone has the same life as everybody else, some people work, some don't, some people marry the wrong person who treats them like shit, some don't, some people have awful parents etc, is that really so difficult for you to understand?

I think you're wonderful. You've sorted out your feelings, made the first move to detach from him. You're sorting out a job and making moves to become independent - pretty impressive and to be applauded.

Grin and bear it with your parents for now. Its not forever. You come over as incredibly strong and ready to build a good life for yourself. I admire you and your tenacity - its a pity others can't see that but if they can't, then they're singing from the same song sheet as those abusive parents/ex husband of yours.

Stay strong.

Very well said RachelZoe