Angry about the way parents are treating my marriage breakup

[Beaverfeaver2]

2 weeks ago I decided to leave my husband after a long time of being put down, negativity, rudeness, financial control etc etc etc

I had not shared how I had been suffering inside with any of my family or any of my friends.

I moved in immediately with my parents and over the past two weeks have been keeping busy by seeing friends and letting them know what's happened.

My friends all have the same identical reaction - one which is that they are not at all surprised. They they thought it would happen and they are glad I have finally made the decision and that things will now start getting better for me.
When I ask each of them why they weren't surprised, as none of them asked me any reason or details as to why I left, they also have the same response in that they saw the way he spoke down to me and that they thought that he wasn't a very nice person to me.
As annoying as it is that they hadn't said this sooner (they all said it wasn't their place and as I never showed any reason not to be happy they thought I was ok) I am glad to have heard it from them and each time I hear it I know I have made the right decision.

Because my parents are cross with me. Full of judgment and disappointment.
My little sister isn't even talking to me!
They all want me to move back in with him and try harder.
They say that I have a lovely house and a lovely dog which I am giving up on and that should be enough for me.
They say that everyone has problems as did they in the past and they work through it.
They see me as having given up.

When he came around a week after I left to talk things over I made sure my mum was there so I felt safe and like I had a pair of ears to ensure he wasn't too verbally abusive and that if he was she would see it.

He stayed for 5 hours and wouldn't leave. Mostly shouting at me.
In parts crying and telling me it's all my fault and that I'm just depressed and he doesn't want this (after telling me repeatedly to leave him)

She heard all of this and at times tried to leave the room. At no point did she say anything or try to get him to leave me alone or leave the house.
When things calmed down she asked him to stay for dinner!
I was so hurt that she had done this.
I didn't need that. I need to be away from him.

A week later and he comes over today to collect our dog from my parents house. I have mostly managed to ensure I am out to avoid him but this time I was in and straight away he started being angry with me again.
So I walked to the room where mum was and he followed and continued his rant.
All the while mum not saying anything again.
I was about to head out to dinner with some friends and said I need to get ready to try and make him leave and then mum offers him a beer!

I have also found out that he comes over and stays for at least an hour when he collects the dog sometimes and they discuss me and think of ways for me to go back to him

I am at a loss of what to do.
They are making me question everything until I see my friends again and all feels right again.

I am rock bottom, no job and no where to live, losing my love home and maybe my dog.
(My dad told me explicitly last night that they wouldn't have him whilst I sort myself out, which mum has since promised won't happen)

It doesn't feel right. It makes me feel just as abused at the place I seeked refuge as I did when I was living with him.

I spent today job hunting and have applied to many jobs and arranged meetings with old clients and recruiters to give me the best chance of finding something soon so I can get out of here.
All the while having dad tell me that I would never be able to afford to live alone and I will now be stuck forever. I'm only nearly 30 years old! I don't expect to be like this for long or alone forever. I'm very much hoping that many more positive things come out of this, but I fear it's caused a barrier between my parents.
I have told them how I feel about the things they say to me but they just tell me it's their opinion and they are so they want to give advise.
I don't see it that way.
Why can't they see he was abusive and still is trying to be?

He keeps asking me to meet up for dinner and drinks at the weekend. I don't want to. I don't want to now or ever.
I've told him I'm busy for the next week and I will let him know when I'm ready.
He wants me back and is being all apologetic and says he will change.
Mum and dad think that's enough and say that he obviously really loves me.
I fell out of love with him a long time ago. And I've told them that.

Until I settle into a new job and can move out how else can I get rid of this negativity? It's not helping me sleep or concentrate on all the important things I have to sort

Hi all, thank you for the replies today.

So some answers to the questions posed :

I had a job I loved dearly. My perfect career. But it went downhill this year when things when from bad to worse with my relationship which made work tense and I was being scrutinised all the time.
It got to the point where I was having daily meetings criticising what I was doing and I couldn't feel I was able to offer any more.
I loved the people and the owners are long standing family friends.
So I handed my notice in and they immediately put me on garden leave.
That was 3 weeks ago. So have a week left on garden leave.
Being on garden leave made me realise I no longer had an excuse to stay out of the house and the relisation of how reliant and stuck I could be dawned on me.
I was scared.
Husband had been asking me to quit my job for 9 months and I refused. I loved it and he was jealous of the wonderful friends I made. All of which have stuck by me and kept me company.

The first week I was away on holiday with mum and sister so did no job hunting and was absolutely miserable being in a part of the country husband and I would go to regularly with our dog.
I just wanted to come home. It was all very tense.

To answer another question : I have been job hunting full time this week. Despite only sleeping approx 4 hours each night I get up at 8 and job hunt and network until 6pm with breaks to walk the dog and have a cup of tea.
Just yesterday alone I applied for a large number of my perfect job and contacted a lot of old customers in the industry who would know me in case they had anything coming up
I have registered with 6 recruitment agents so far and more to go.
Today was full on with phone calls and meetings with recruiters putting me forward to 'the perfect job'.
I am hopeful.
I have been made redundant a few times and each time got a job within a week of searching and always ended up better off.
I have been panicking because my self confidence was so low that I thought (somewhat like my dad was telling me) that I will never get any better than I had and I will be stuck.
I am well respected and known in my industry for being a loyal hard worker and have received emails and calls from old clients suing sorry I wasn't there any more and could they meet up to discuss opportunities with them.
Which I am doing on Monday. Unfortunately it's all London bass but beggars can't be choosers.

Answer to question 3: I haven't been spending any of my money on nights out and weekends away.
These are all home cooked dinners with friends and weekend stays in their parents country houses.
So I'm not forced to go out spending money and the only cost to me is the fuel to get there.
My friends agree with me that I need to keep busy as sitting at home worrying about not spending will do my health no good.

When I am with friends I feel well looked after.
Tonight's plan is a hot bath, a dvd and a glass of red wine.
Which is all I need.
Husband has the dog this weekend, next weekend I will have the dog and the weekend after I am far away at a wedding for the weekend so either mum or husband will have him.

Hope that answers the questions posed and thank you for the ongoing support. It's all been valuable as even I know I am beings selfish right now.
But why not? I've lived my whole life pleasing others and it's got me here to a place where I have had to leave because I'm so unhappy.
I will be selfish as I never have been before and fix myself before worrying again

Honestly I'm pretty unimpressed with your parents too. What they think doesn't really come in to it and when it's so hugely at odds with how you're feeling they badly need to STFU I'm afraid to say.
You will sort the work thing. It's hardly a surprise that the last job was tricky when you were being treated so badly at home.
Your parents are not good people for you to be around right now unless they change their attitude a lot.

I will be selfish as I never have been before and fix myself before worrying again

This is ABSOLUTELY the way to go as you only have yourself and the dog to care for and you owe nothing whatsoever to your stbx h and your dps. As for your dsis, be thankful she's not talking to you and make a note to rebuff any advances she may make to rebuild the bridge she chose to destroy.

Once you've got yourself a job and a place to live, look to find a rottweiler shit hot solicitor and start proceedings to divorce your h asap and consider counselling to rid you of your tendency to be a people pleaser otherwise you may find yourself sucked into another relationship with another abusive male.

You CAN do it - and you WILL.

It sounds as if your parents are the reason you grew up with such low esteem that you ended up with a awful husband. I'm sorry :( Suggest getting them out of your life asap. Also look up toxic parents - there are some good books and you'll feel less alone.

Can you meet up with your old boss and talk about getting your job back? Or withdraw yiur rwignation and replace with a sick note? If you have an income you can get some here else to live. It's not the job that us the problem.

You've done loads in two weeks, leaving him and the job hunting.

I would put your emery (well continue to do so!) into getting a new job and getting OUT of your parents' house.

I'd usually say about getting your old job back, especially if there's an extra chance with the owner being a family friend. But family friend means friend of your parents, doesn't it? And I think you need to walk away from that dynamic ASAP.

You won't like this - but I'd also seriously think about giving up the dog. It's a tie to him and he will work that.

For getting away temporarily - you have multiple friends who have parents with country houses?! Wow! We move in different circles. Do you mean holiday homes? In which case do you have any chance to house sit an empty house for a while?

A positive morning so far.
I slept well last night at my friends parents house and shortly after waking I received a few phone calls from recruiters offering interviews for excellent positions.
Something I think I may not be good enough for but I can't be in that mind set.
I also had a call from an old client offering me some freelance work from him too.

I have spent the rest of the Moroni g calling my banking commitments and changing any of my personal items over to my personal bank account so that I am not tied to joint account.
It was only my car, pet insurance and phone - seems like there should be more, but I guess the rest would be house bits.

So il be leaving my friends this afternoon and will stop at the shops on the way home to pick up some smart clothes for the interview tomorrow and spend the rest of the afternoon preparing and printing copies of my cv. I have a smart interview folded and am feeling more confident. Although still very scared.

The interviews are all for jobs about a 50 minute drive from my parents house and I really hope that I will be ok with that but there just isn't that line of work right near home.
I guess because I will be looking for accommodation soon that once I am settled with work that I can decide to live somewhere in between.
Making plans with friends still although this week looks quieter on that front.

My last hurdle is what to do with the cat who has had ongoing vet treatment over the last year which requires a trip to the vets every two weeks. It's not going to be as easy to do that with a new job. My old one was ever so flexible in that sense.

I can't think of any suitable option for him right now

Wow - well done and good luck for tomorrow.
Could you take your cat to a cat rescue centre?
It will be hard but may be a good option for you?

You sound stronger already. Very pleased you have lots of contacts for jobs etc... You'll get just what you need very soon.

Good luck with the interviews

You need to get away from your idiot parents. No one has to stay in a marriage that isn't working for them no one

Have a look here

OK, following post.

I was harsh/devils advocate as I don't think posters just posting 'Good you' etc are that useful.

Right, you need to put distance between you old life and new one. You are under 30; it will not be too hard. Just get up and go.

All I can add is let go of the pets. You will find renting a lot easier without pets.

Hope that all your work on the job front pays off soon. Then you can get your own place (nearer work/friends than the parents might be best!), get some cash together and escape the unsupportive (at best) parents. In the meantime I would tell them as little as possible about your thoughts, feelings and activities and seek support from others.

Are you 100% sure the bridges are burned with your former employer?

Are you due your fair share of any money from any joint savings or assets? If so, would get advice on pursuing that.

You weren't being "devils advocate" hereandtherex, you outright said that the OP wasn't being abused and said her husband sounded "fed up" (with zero evidence) and that she was lazing about doing nothing and should be on her own two feet, two weeks post breakup. If you're going to be vile to people at least have some courage in your convictions, don't flip it round when you get a bad reaction/your post gets deleted.

I don't really want to go back took timer employer. I loved it there and the people but feel I was treated badly towards the end because of their own assumptions.

Fingers crossed I will be successful in my job hunt soon and so far the money I am looking at is much better than what I was on meaning finding a place of my own would be a lot less scarier and more affordable.

Still worried about the pets though. I am part of a Facebook group for the breed of dog I own and the posts make me miss him so much.
And even when I am out and about and see one I miss him even more

But you are right. I do need to give them up really

Will your h keep the cat and dog and allow you visitation rights?

You are doing great. I hope the job sorts itself out this week and then you can find yourself somewhere to rent in a week or two. I understand the attachment to your dog and cat. Hopefully you can rent somewhere where you can have them.

I am very hopeful of the jobs.
Worried that they are so far away but it does open up a large search area of slightly cheaper rents for me.

I have no idea what value of rent I should be looking at, as affordability calculators seem to think I would be ok to pay a lot more than I would have expected.

I will have to look into this more

Congratulations on the interviews etc.

A job far far away from your ex and your DPs migt be exactly what you need.

Have you seen a solicitor? Are there assets to be split?

Just our house. No other assets.
That should be going on the market later this week.

Just went to drop dog off with husband and he is still trying to persuade me to reconsider.
I don't like living at home with parents and losing so much and starting again but I read don't believe I can go back.
I've told him I won't be coming back there and seeing him if he keeps saying that to me

I feel like I'm being such a cow

you are not, you are being fair

if you gave him false hope, that would be you being a cow

Thank you AF

In other news- my mum gave me a hug today and told me all would be ok.
That's a first.

And now I'm in pub with friends. I feel like I should go back home to parents but friends want me to stay with them and feed me.
Feeling so conflicted always

stay with your friends ! (and us)

Definitely stay with friends. Your ex's pestering just shows he does not respect you as an individual with an independent will and mind. Don't go back. He won't change.