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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lies again

29 replies

Lieslieslies · 03/09/2015 09:12

Hi all.
I've name changed as I have friends on here. I'll also have to be a bit vague unfortunately.

Been with dp for 6 years. We have 2 year old ds together. Found out after 2 years he hadn't been honest about his past. I found out via a mutual friend he'd cheated on his previous gf's. And he'd also had an affair with a married woman. We worked past this. Him apologizing and explaining he lied cos he was ashamed and didn't want to mess things up with me.
Over the years I've repeatedly discovered him watching porn and searching online for pictures of other women to fantasize over. I've made it clear over and again this isn't acceptable and it makes me feel awful. I also told him I was worried about how he viewed women as sexual objects rather than real people.
This all stopped about a year ago. He went to counselling and said he'd realised some things about himself which he needed to change.

Around the same time he was invited to Amsterdam on a stag doo. We were in a bad place relationship wise and I told him I was concerned he'd end up in a strip club. And as I didn't trust him at that time, it would set back any repair I'd done emotionally. He swore he wouldn't go to any strip club. Said he'd been to one when he was 18 on his brothers stag doo and hated it. Said it ess seedy and uncomfortable and the place smelt of sweat. Said he'd never since stepped foot in one and didn't intend to start now 20 years later. Regardless he didn't go to Amsterdam and we've been stronger than ever this last year.

Last night lay in bed we were chatting and I mentioned one of my crazier friends was getting married and I'll probably be invited to her hen doo. We'd had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner so we were a bit tipsy. He dropped in to conversation that he'd been to strip bars twice since his first visit.
First time with his brother he didn't realise what it was until this girl asked for his ticket. Then he said he went to one in Australia 10 years ago with a group of friends. Then he said he went to one in Bulgaria a few months before he met me. He was with a friend who didn't want to go cos he had a gf but my dp was single and basically dragged him in. Said he paid for a private dance.
He can't understand why I'm angry. He says he lied cos it would have upset me to tell me the truth. I'm questioning everything about him. Obviously my feelings were right. He's a sleaze like the rest of them.
All this bull crap about him realising what he's done and wanting to change is just rubbish. I feel he's filtering the real him to live up to my expectations. In reality he always has and always will be a sleaze who sees women as something to glare it.

Please help. I have counselling this morning and can't even face going

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 03/09/2015 09:30

I do think before a man will open up it depends upon how he thinks that person will respond. His instinct was not to tell you but he did anyway.

I don't think he committed a crime. I'm relaxed about the issues you mention.

You clearly aren't so I just wouldn't bother. You can't force him to be someone you want. Men rarely work that way. Chances are he thinks strip clubs are ok and likes to watch porn. You have tried to make him change his perception of these things but imo it just doesn't happen.

Mostly, we are who we are.

Original poster
Lieslieslies · 03/09/2015 09:37

I've tried to be relaxed about stuff. And in past relationships I've been cool with porn and was ok with it in this relationship when I thought it was occasional.
But I found out he was watching it instead of coming to bed with me. When I was caring for a newborn and he was pretending to nap but actually searching social media for pictures to fantasize over.

I probably could have been cool with strip bars had all the other stuff not been in my head. I think he's looking for something I can't give him. I can't live up to a professional body

OP posts:
Threefishys · 03/09/2015 09:50

Is he who he is and you are who you are. You either fit or you don't. It's that simple . There will be elements of each other you don't like but its down to you to decide if that's a deal breaker. Nobody should change who they are to be in a relationship. Evolve together. Yes. By mutual agreement. If the problem is you comparing yourself to other women, that's your issue to deal with. If the problem is him looking at porn instead of coming to bed, you both need to work through that, together. And if you can't/he won't, well you know what to do. Make a decision.

L4stChanceSaloon · 03/09/2015 09:59

I couldn't handle the lies.

I want my partner to treat me like an adult - I'm entitled to my own opinion about any given issue, which might conflict with his. If it does, then we need to work through that conflict as equals. We can't do that if one half of the partnership isn't being honest.

So, unlike PPs, I don't think this is about strip clubs, stag doos, professional bodies or porn. It's about the lies.

It sounds as though your DP lies to make his life easier - when it's more convenient than telling the truth. That's cowardly. And he's not respecting you.

I'd give serious thought to whether it's a deal breaker.

Original poster
Lieslieslies · 03/09/2015 09:59

I understand what you're saying but he tells me we are working together. That we are building a future and he understands how his actions have affected my confidence and self esteem. I'm trying to fix these things about myself but how can I when he keeps these secrets?

I feel like I don't know him

OP posts:
Original poster
Lieslieslies · 03/09/2015 10:02

Exactly!! It's the lies.

OP posts:
L4stChanceSaloon · 03/09/2015 10:02

You're not working together, by definition, while he tells you lies. Because you're not working with all of the facts available to you, so can't make informed decisions.

He might well understand how his actions have affected your confidence - but not enough to stop him lying.

Threefishys · 03/09/2015 10:02

I can understand why he lied about things that happened before he was with OP. He was obviously trying to give the best account of himself. However, OP knew 2 years in who her DP was - and she's still with him. So the moral of the story is what.....keep lying and you'll retain your relationship. If OP feels so strongly about lies she has been told then she needs to act on her principles and get rid.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/09/2015 10:03

He's a liar and that isn't changing. Almost doesn't matter what the lies are about, as they come so easily to him.

Threefishys · 03/09/2015 10:05

Also OP making your feelings clear 'over and over again' is effectively no stance at all. If you constantly have to reiterate that you're hurt by your DP's actions well, two things are happening...your not asserting your right to leave a relationship that doesn't suit you and he's not comitted enough to minding your feelings.

L4stChanceSaloon · 03/09/2015 10:06

People who lie to you don't respect you.

spanisharmada · 03/09/2015 10:13

I think you've asked for honesty from him, now he's given you that you still want to punish him, which wouldn't encourage future honesty. Also, if I've read it correctly, these are events from years ago that he's finally been open and honest about, not new events that have occurred since he found out how you feel?
Maybe it is just a matter of being incompatible, but it does also sound like your self esteem has suffered since having a newborn and finding him watching porn at a time when you felt vulnerable? I think that should be your focus.

Original poster
Lieslieslies · 03/09/2015 10:27

Yes. It's affected me more than I'm able to admit, even to my counsellor.

I feel ugly old and disgusting. I can't look in the mirror cos I feel sick. I feel sorry for him being stuck with me when there's no many beautiful sexy women out there. And he knows this and can't stop fantasizing.
If he wants them he should go get them and leave me alone.

OP posts:
KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 03/09/2015 10:28

You are afraid he will have an affair because he has cheated on other partners before. That is a reasonable concern.

I don't agree that watching porn means he only views women as sexual objects. However, if it did, the problem is that he objectifies women not that he watches porn. The porn would be the symptom that tells you about the underlying disease. Asking him to hide the symptom changes nothing.

If you think he has no respect for you then deal with that. Picking over his life choices before you met really isn't going to help anything. You can't shout someone into respecting you.

What is it you want from this thread anyway?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 03/09/2015 10:29

If you want him to leave, then ask him to leave. Don't wait for him to decide to go.

wotoodoo · 03/09/2015 10:33

He's a normal man. He was comfortable enough to let you know all about his visits, you are being overly harsh and controlling. He would have done it for a laugh, there is nothing wrong with that!

I would think you would have a lot more to worry about if he didn't open up to you. You've got a newborn and your hormones are all over the place so be kind on yourself but don't let your insecurities ruin your relationship, so going to counselling is a good idea.

pocketsaviour · 03/09/2015 11:09

I feel ugly old and disgusting. I can't look in the mirror cos I feel sick. I feel sorry for him being stuck with me

You need to work on this. I honestly think if you felt happier about your body and more confident, you would not give a shit about him visiting a strip club before he even knew you existed.

There is plenty of stuff in my past I would not tell a partner about, because things that happened before we met are irrelevant to the relationship.

You asked him to stop watching porn - he did. You asked him not to go on a stag do - he didn't. He went to counselling. I'm not sure what more you want from him. He cannot make you feel more secure, because your feelings come from within you. You cannot rely on another person to help you love yourself, it doesn't work like that.

I hope you manage to get to counselling today Flowers

0dfod · 03/09/2015 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lieslieslies · 03/09/2015 14:56

Yes I asked him to stop watching porn- he did but broke this promise numerous times.
Yes I asked him not to go on the stagg doo and he didn't but it took days of me explaining over n over why I wasn't comfortable with it.

Part of his argument was that there was no harm as he absolutely wouldn't go to a strip club cos he's been once before and wasn't interested. He argued the point that even intrigue wouldn't get him in the door as he's been once and didn't like it. He said that he could of gone to a strip club when he went on any of his lads holidays but didn't.

It's the detailed lying I hate. He's been back twice and paid for private dances. He not only left this out but actually give an explanation to the contrary.

I did go to counselling but I felt worse after it today. I couldn't open up

OP posts:
Original poster
Lieslieslies · 03/09/2015 15:00

I felt fine about my body til this relationship. I've been placed second to internet images for years and it's taken its toll. I feel like running away

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 03/09/2015 15:09

So run - there is no reason why you should stay. You aren't happy - how could you be?

QuiteLikely5 · 03/09/2015 15:10

Honestly, don't look to someone else for your happiness. If you don't like your body do something about it. Eat better, gym beauty salon etc.

He looks at those things not because of you but would do so anyway whether you were in his life or not. I don't think the two things are related.

My dh watches porn occasionally and I don't mind. He's always done it, well before I was on the scene.

Yeah of course they are slim and sexy or whatever but there are loads of women around who are waay better looking etc than me. It's a non issue. He doesn't need to access porn to know that.

He can just look anywhere really!!

Threefishys · 03/09/2015 15:16

In all honesty I would rather my DP look at women in porn than women in the street - now that would really knock my confidence.

HellonHeels · 03/09/2015 15:41

I'm amazed at the porn apologists on this thread! OP's partner objectifies women and lies to her. This knocks her self esteem. The proposed solution is for OP to improve herself by working out and going to a beauty salon?

Seriously surprised at these suggestions.

OP I think you are not compatible with this man. His behaviours and opinions are not in line with your expectations of a partner. He lies to you and will continue doing so. I think you'd feel better not having a partner who lies to you and whose moral compass is out of line with yours.

pocketsaviour · 03/09/2015 15:51

But, Hell, the vast majority of men watch/view porn. So it would be far more useful for OP to improve her self-esteem and confidence (whether she's in a relationship or not) than to leave, thinking "I'll find another man who doesn't watch porn and doesn't mind telling me the history of everything he's ever done that I might have a problem with".

If she doesn't want to stay with this guy then fair enough, if they're not suited then it's best to break up.