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Original poster

Constant erection failure with condoms

34 replies

djftruyghg · 02/09/2015 15:27

New here, so can't post under 'Sex'

What can I do about a new partner who consistently loses his erections the moment a condom goes on? We're newish, have lots of sexual fun, & he successfully gets decent looking erections but the moment that condom goes on, it withers & dies I'm a big fan of condoms & have never had this problem in the past. I feel like we communicate well, there seems to be no bashfulness in our learning each others bedroom likes & dislikes. He appears totally calm, relaxed & into it, until the last moment. He says he has a 'mental block' with them. Don't really fancy the female version or getting tested & going without. Anyone got any ideas?

OP posts:

SpendSpendSpend · 02/09/2015 15:29

Tbh i hate condoms. They feel horrible.

If hes a partner rather than a casual relationship they why dont you pop yourselves off to the local clinic and get tested. Make sure you are on the pill and take it correctly.

Problem solved.

HellonHeels · 02/09/2015 15:35

Can he practice on his own?

How did he manage in previous relationships / casual encounters?

I don't think OP going on the pill is the answer - she prefers condoms. Personally I couldn't tolerate hormonal contraception so that's not a simple solution for everyone.

Original poster

djftruyghg · 02/09/2015 15:40

I want condoms for continued sti protection. I'm not confident we're exclusive.

OP posts:

category12 · 02/09/2015 15:52

Surely the question is what he should do about it?

pocketsaviour · 02/09/2015 15:54

Have you tried female condoms? I get on with them quite well.

Is there anything in his manner that suggests he might be self-sabotaging in an attempt to get you to "give in" to unprotected sex?

WhySoAngry · 02/09/2015 16:59

Ah, pocketsaviour, always the first to wonder if men have underhand motives.
You don't have a lot of faith in hu-man-ity do you?

ToGoBoldly · 02/09/2015 17:09

I have a newish sexual partner with something similar (and just freaked out when I read on another thread that it's definitely not normal ). We haven't done much yet but he is on a mission to resensitise himself. Maybe it is caused by too much "death grip" self pleasure, maybe it's a mental block, or too much pressure which only grows with every flop... But I don't think it's uncommon. There are loads of matter of fact websites about how to get past the problems of death grip. Found it quite interesting, not having a penis myself.

It sounds like you have a frank and healthy approach to sex so I don't get the feeling he is trying to get you to give in. As long as he respects your wishes it's all good. I don't think accusing him of trying to trick you into unprotected sex would help matters; if you stand firm you will realise pretty fast if that is something he is trying to do.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/09/2015 17:16

I had a relationship with someone who had this issue. Erect during foreplay, but as soon as the condom came into play, willy snoozeville. Turns out he had erectile dysfunction. Never got any better in our case. Hopefully not your DS's issue, but it could be the problem in some instances.

kinkytoes · 02/09/2015 17:22

Have you tried other sizes/types of condom? Maybe thinner ones would help?

DrMorbius · 02/09/2015 17:40

Is there anything in his manner that suggests he might be self-sabotaging in an attempt to get you to "give in" to unprotected sex?

OMG - I have heard (read) it all now. That has to be the most ludicrous statement I have ever read. if only we had that much control over our erections.

Spydra · 02/09/2015 17:43

Yes - I second the recommendation to try other types of condom. It might be the thickness, the size etc. If they're too tight they cut into the blood supply and of course he can't keep it up.

chelle792 · 02/09/2015 17:51

This happened with OH. I just didn't sleep with him until we were ready to be more serious. Took a fair few months. It literally was just a problem with condoms.

Original poster

djftruyghg · 02/09/2015 22:11

I am quite confident that the erection 'failure' is a natural one, not manufactured to con me. We are using 'Skyns' which I thought were supposed to be the best? The size of them looks appropriate when newly applied. This might start to be a deal-breaker though if it carries on for a long time...

OP posts:

kinkytoes · 02/09/2015 22:29

Must be v frustrating OP!

Never tried skyns so don't know tbh. Dp and I always liked the fetherlite ones from durex - think they're called something else now. But it won't hurt to try out some different ones anyway, and maybe give it a few weeks to take the pressure off him a bit. Can he give you your kicks in different ways in the meantime?!

suzannefollowmyvan · 02/09/2015 22:40

why should you mess with your hormones and go on the pill

have him take viagra, then he can take the pharmaceutical hit

LovelyFriend · 03/09/2015 10:24

really nice that you are trying to find a solution to your P's erectile problems OP.

What is he doing about finding a solution for himself?

pocketsaviour · 03/09/2015 13:57

DrM I'll have to take your word for that, as I don't have the equipment myself

I'm simply remembering the lines some shady men have tried on me:
"I can't get properly hard with a condom"
"I don't like the feel of it"
"They're too tight and I worry it's cutting off the circulation"
I was quite gullible as a child and believed all this rubbish. I would have liked to say it was confined to my teen years but I've heard variations of this from men aged 15 to 50, sadly.

HelenaDove · 03/09/2015 14:24

"Is it really essential that i use one" was what i was once asked by a bloke in his late 50s.

DrMorbius · 03/09/2015 14:48

pocketsaviour - Great Ben Elton sketch about the penis and our lack of control over erections. (relevant part starts at 57 minutes, the erection part is at 1 hour)

ScarletRuby · 03/09/2015 14:49

I'm a woman and I hate condoms too, so it's not just a man thing.

When you say "I'm not confident we're exclusive yet" does that mean you would like to be? If that's the case then tell him you would like to be and if he agrees get tested and look at other forms of contraception. Doesn't have to be hormonal. I guess it's a case of howuch you like each other.

LovelyFriend · 03/09/2015 14:58

I would never say I LOVE condoms or even like them and I enjoy sex without them very much. (I am a woman). I dislike condoms but I still use them. And sex is still a lovely pleasure.

Do I prefer condoms to an unwanted PG or STI? Too fucking right I do.

WaltellaDisney · 03/09/2015 15:36

I'm a big fan of condoms & have never had this problem in the past.

I don't think it's uncommon. And I'm sorry to say that if it's a deal breaker for you, then I think it's easier for you to just walk away.

For some men (and especially for men who are of a certain age and were young post-the pill but before Aids) if it's a big psychological issue, it's one that isn't going to be solved in the short term. Men who "grew up" sexually with women who never or rarely requested condom use, get very used to that and will find it difficult or near impossible to maintain an erection with a condom. The effort and time it will take to move him from that place to a place where you can have good sex with a condom probably isn't worth it really - for either of you.

I maybe would say if you seriously think there is an exclusivity future, then maybe test out the female condom to see how it works for you. To see if you can have some kind of barrier method that allows you to have sex and see if there is an exclusivity future. My guess is though that will be no good either.

How old is he? In my experience, there is a higher incidence of this problem definitely in older pre-AIDS men.

If you tell him this is a deal breaker, he'll probably move on to a more tractable woman. And that is probably no bad thing from your point of view - because it's his problem not yours so you shouldn't be the one having to solve it.

virgospirit · 03/09/2015 17:10

Are you putting the condom on for him or is he doing it himself? Having to stop in the middle of foreplay to take the thing out the wrapper, make sure it's the right round and then put it on properly can destroy the moment and atmosphere somewhat. It's not the type of condom that's causing him to lose the erection, it's probably the psychological aspect of having to go through the rigmarole to put it on and wear it. A girlfriend of mine a couple of years back had an incredible knack of putting it on for me and I'd not even notice it was there until she'd say so, at which point we'd just get started without thinking about it... If you are putting it on for him and he's still losing the erection then there's probably something else he's not comfortable with.

pocketsaviour · 03/09/2015 17:56

Haha DrM love it! I actually had that particular show as a vinyl record back in the day!

My H told me he controlled whether he got an erection or not, and this did seem to be true. He said as you got older it became a lot easier to do. I gather that isn't the case for most men, then!

Mind you, this is the bloke who was given valium for severe back pain and then worried when he couldn't get an erection that night. Also once caught him trying to fry fresh pasta. So maybe I should have known not to take his word for anything

Original poster

djftruyghg · 03/09/2015 20:50

I put the condoms on & I would like to think I'm ok at doing it. Been doing it since day one as a virgin (grew up in the time of AIDS adverts everywhere). He tells me he's 47 but he may be a year or two older? Tbh I think I may well just walk away. Very sad, but I want to be with someone who has confidence & is a better match in the bedroom. Sex shouldn't be hard work & this has been going on for a while. I get very frustrated.

OP posts:

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