Another birthday on Friday, and I feel I've missed the boat for marriage and family - anyone have any tips to find a man later in life?

[Lostgalyyy]

It's my birthday on Friday and I will turn 29.

I have only had 2 serious relationships and only ever lived with one. I broke up with my ex in February because he didn't want to move forwards with us at all (also some mil issues - mummy's boy).

I'm happier about myself and who I am since ending it, but now I'm like shit, I'm 29 and single. I've been on many dates but haven't had that ok just yet.

I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me and I am beginning to feel empty without that special person in my life. I am very busy and don't feel lonely, but I can't deny that something is missing - and it's that amazing feeling of being in love.

I'm so scared I won't find that again. Life is busier now and the last of my closest friends got married on Sunday. In fact, most got married by age 26. It makes me think something is wrong with me - why didn't my relationships work?!

First time I've felt the fear... I feel like I'm missing the boat. Hate birthdays, I doubt I would worry if I wasn't another year older!

I broke up with my ex in February because he didn't want to move forwards with us at all (also some mil issues - mummy's boy).

Good OP, this is really good and well done. You are getting a healthy sense of what you want in a man and to avoid the problem ones. Nothing could stand you in better stead if a family and kids is what you want.

I know it doesn't feel like that when you feel lonely, but you have so much time, time enough not to have to even think about "settling". Time to just get out there and see who comes along.

I too clicked on this thinking you were going to say you were 40+. You are 29, it's all good! Relax.

I had my babies at 35 and 40, and although I might have preferred a little earlier, I can look back and say I really enjoyed my pre-family years – late nights, being in bands, travelling, indulging in my interests. This is your time to get on with being who you are, and that's the best way to attract the right man for you.

I x-posted with you brokenhearted, I'm sorry your thread didn't get many replies. That just happens sometimes and can be quite random. But this poster still deserves support too.

My father told me when I was 27 that I'd left it too late for marriage and children, the charmer. I had recently broken up with a long term bastard boyfriend and was really down in the dumps about it.

I spent the next year single and carefree, not entirely intentionally, but my intention was to enjoy me, understand what I wanted and cared about without having to accommodate others - not by being a selfish dick but by doing things that prior boyfriend had sneered at me enjoying and the like. And living alone, which was amazing.

At the end of that year I met my now DH (he was 34), and we are very happy together. He'd been single and enjoying his own company for a while too. I like to think that the time we spent alone means we're both comfortable with who we are and not too clingy. We complement each other rather than completing each other .

I suppose what I'm trying to say is you're young and single so enjoy yourself and your space. There are plenty of other singles around and you're definitely not "on the shelf" (hateful expression, but it feels that that's what you're projecting). Remember that you don't need to live by others expectations and values, just your own.

I didn't see your thread, brokenhearted55a. If I had, I would have commented, and I'm sorry you got no replies.

No reason to be catty on this thread though.

Please don't despair OP! I got married at 27 after what I thought was a whirlwind romance, but was actually fear that no one else would have me. My ExH was a good man, but we weren't right for each other and I left him after a year of marriage. The pain for everyone involved and the shame I felt were terrible.

I turned 30 in March and although I'm single and not where I expected to be at this point, I'm now looking forward to this new decade as an adventure. I would love to marry again and have a family, but there's no crystal ball to tell me when or if that might happen. In the meantime I'm working on making myself happy and enjoying my life as it is.

Please don't regret the things you haven't done yet OP, look forward to all the exciting things yet to come!

I have a 32 year old son, who is desperate to settle down and have a special someone in his life, he is solvent, hard working,kind and intelligent.
He is watching his friends marrying and having families, has bought himself a flat, but feels that his social circle is diminishing from the point of view of having single friends to go out with or to go on holiday with.
He has had several long term relationships in the past, but I fear that he is losing his natural self confidence, as he regales us with details of his on line dating disasters!

Perhaps mumsnet should set up an introduction agency

You know, I got married at 25 and divorced at 34. There's a lot to be said for waiting, and settling down in your thirties. I wish I had! At 29 I was busily having kids and wrecking my career by following my husband around the country. I think you're in a much better position!

Thank you so much for replies :)

I think I've found it really daunting that all my closest friends are ao settled - all by age 28. I don't know how they've managed it! I barely had time to focus on a relationship in early twenties with university etc. Perhaps that was a mistake, but after hearing your replies I can see there is still hope!

I'm a similar age and none of my friends are in the settled down stage, none are even married! I think 30 now is different to what it was 30 years ago!

Pppffft. 29 is young!

Think of it this way - you're old enough to know what you want and not take any crap. But things don't happen passively. If you're not happy with your situation then you need to do something about it. New job perhaps? Move abroad? Take up rock climbing? Start doing triathlon?

I changed careers, countries etc in my early thirties and met my dh. Now married and expecting our first little one. You've got years yet.

brokenhearted I'm sorry to hear that, I didn't see your thread.

Oh and without sounding horribly cynical, all those happily married friends? A good percentage of them will not be happy at all. People tend to only put the shiny bits of their partnerships/lives on things like Facebook. They may well be ground down by young kids, unhappy in their marriages or thinking 'man, look at lostgalyy, she's all happy and single..wish I'd waited a bit..'

I called off a wedding at about your age - the number of people with outwardly happy, well off lives I knew who confessed afterwards that they wished they'd done the same was an eye opener.

29 is later in life? What are us 40 year olds then, geriatric?

You need to chill out for a start. Desperation is not a scent that attracts anyone you want to be with!

29 is later in life? I better tell my 28 year old sister to hurry it up with babies and marriage!!

You are still young and fertile so keep looking and I am sure you will find the right guy for you.

I met my husband at the age of 32! You've bags and bags of time. The main thing I wanted to say to you is: Step Away From The Narrative. The narrative? Yes, you know, the narrative that says you should be married by the age of 29, and have kids by the age of 33, go back to work and get promote by 40, move to a huge mansion by 45, etc. etc. Move away from the idea that everyone else is getting married, or everyone else is having kids, or everyone else is buying an SUV. This is not their life - it's yours. Just because you all hit milestones roughly together when you were 9 does not mean you do so now you are 29! Here's where life starts to diverge. And that's a good thing, because how bloody boring would it be otherwise?

I'm now 37. I can remember thinking at age 28 - "Shit! Everyone I know is married and here I am, coming out of a dreadful relationship, stuck in a godawful job that I hate, and living somewhere I absolutely loathe! I've lost all my friends to children and family life! I'm a mess! A failure! I might as well just hide under the bed for the rest of my life." My confidence was in tatters.

Tell you what - ten years on and I am happily married. I gave up the hateful job and am now doing something I like, and I love my house and the surrounding area. I even have a crowd of friends my own age, for whom I am eternally grateful. Meanwhile, a couple of my friends are getting divorced, dealing with infidelity, and struggling financially.

And you know what? Those hard times I had in my 20s were not a result of personal failure. I am not happy now because I followed some magic formula and I wasn't a bit of a mess before because of anything I'd done 'wrong'. I'd just been dealt a shitty hand at that point. My friends who are fighting life now aren't in that state because they're failures, but because they've been given a rough ride that isn't their fault. It happens. We get good times and bad times, and increasingly as we get older they don't occur at exactly the same time as those of other people. The rhythms of life that are so similar when we are children fade away - the rush to marry at between 26-28 might be the last shadow of that hamster wheel of growth charts, tests, puberty, first dates, exams where our experiences coincide externally with those of others - and we become brilliantly, wonderfully different.

It also means we have to look out for others a bit more, because this difference and our urge to hide unhappiness as if it were shameful can lead to all kinds of misplaced sadness and isolation. Volunteering and looking after other people really helped me to deal with this.

I fully sympathise op. I'm 36, a year out of the break up of my long term relationship, & life is not at all how I'd imagined at this age. I guess we just have to keep going and keep the faith. Have you tried online dating? I am trying to pluck up the courage to give it a go. I've joined a few activities etc and have made some new friends but not met anyway romantically that way so far.

I'm wayyyy older than you, OP, and wayyyy older than Broken-hearted too.
I left a long term cohabiting relationship about 4yrs ago, and found single men in their 30s, 40s and 50s were coming out of the woodwork.

I have been with the current one for 2 or 3 years - he wants to marry, settle down (we are dating, but don't live together). He's lovely, but I'm not in any rush.

Men, children, friends - none of these can make you happy. You need to be happy in yourself first.

I think you're wobbling bcs of your friend's wedding at the weekend. It'll fade as life romps around you and surges you forward.

I too bust out laughing when I saw your age. Darling, you're getting things out of perspective somewhat!

Brokenhearted, I didn't see your thread. I also didn't think you were catty on this thread though thought it was catty of the poster to say so . in sorry you're facing this.

Anna..I'm another one who made a list after the success my friend had with her list.

My friend after she broke up with her cheating husband dated lots of unsuitable men wrote a list with about 20+ qualities she wanted in a man. He ticked all the boxes except he didn't play scrabble. I kid you not. She was that specific and he learnt how to. She must have been in her fifties. She stepped out of a pub( might have been stumbled I don't know) and there he was.

I don't think my other friend wrote a list after her fiancé cheated on her but she was 101 per cent adamant that the following year she would be with a really lovely man who wouldn't dream of behaving in such a despicable manner....and she is.

So Jan 1 st 2008 aged 55 I put on some gentle calming music and thought about the sort of person I would like to meet. I wrote my list . I wasn't taking any chances . I got it down in black and white. Thankfully I didn't include scrabble as I'm not a lover of it myself and my soon to be husband is dyslexic so can't play it anyway ;-)

I did smile when I saw your age. Then I thought oh shit, I'm 28 and I thought I was a young'un who was barely out of nappies with decades and decades of potential to fall in love. Now I've discovered that I'm nearly old enough to be classed as being "later in life."

Seriously though, I do empathise with you. Late 20s/early 30s is a horrible time. Birthdays at this age suck when you're single. You look around you and everyone it appears is either married or knocked up because you have now hit the magical age that says this is what you're supposed to do. Smug loved-up couples with their bouncing bonny babies endlessly parade in front of you. Their lives are "sorted", because they managed to get a ring on their finger by the age of 26, they will never experience being dumped, loneliness or any kind of romantic upset ever again. Whilst you sigh and think oh well, too late for me and prepare to buy a menagerie of cats. Of course, this is all a load of rubbish.

I honestly did used to think like this but your friends are way outside the norm. I think the average age for women to get married in this country is 30 and for men it's 33 or something like that. I have noticed a lot of my old school friends have got married this year and I don't believe it's because they've all suddenly experienced an overwhelming need to tell the world how much they love their partner. Call me cynical but I bet most of it is to do with their age, they don't want to be in their late 30s when they have their kids and because their friends and social circle are doing it and they don't want to feel left behind. Not that I wish your friends' marriages to end of course but statistically speaking some of them will end in divorce, some of them will be cheated on (or do the cheating), some of them will stay in unhappy marriages for the kids. Some of them may well be having to start all over again in their late 30s when you're happily settled. Life rarely stays constant for people like that.

Anyway, enough of my wittering. You have got loads and loads of time. Think of it this way - when you do get married you'll be yes a bit older than your friends were but wiser and have had more dating/relationship experience. I don't think that's a bad thing. You were brave enough to end a crap relationship, you know what you want and what you're looking for. This will all stand you in good stead to find someone you're likely to have a successful marriage with. I would suggest you widen your social circle a bit and try and meet more single people, not just to meet men but also so you can see that being single at 29 is not as unusual and disastrous as you think. Try and say yes to as many social events where you're likely to meet people as you can. And I would try online dating. There are lots of things about it I don't like but it's a good way of meeting people you wouldn't normally.

You sound intelligent, like you've got a good head on your shoulders and won't put up with any nonsense. I honestly think you'll be fine. :)

I think I had the same panic attack at 24 years young, I thought I was so old being single!! No I realise that ten years later even now I am a whipper snapper. I am pregnant with my first and got together with my now husband at 29, huge dry spell before. I married at 31 years young. With the people I went to school with, I would say a good chunk are still childless and some still single. You have plenty of time left!

Thank you so much for replying and sharing story's. I think ppl are right that it is another upcoming wedding that is making me feel this way and the fact that all my friends are coupled up. I have been on a few dates and there was one person I started seeing exclusively for a few weeks but it just wasn't right as much as I gave it chance. You hear of people going online dating and finding that person within 2 dates. That hasn't happened to me! I'm 6 months later and still nothing amazing has happened.

You've all kept me much calmer though. I think part of it is feeling envious that my friends are showing off their lives and I can't do that same as as far as they are concerned having a man is the defining point of your life.

Well at 29 realising what you want as is normal. Also the men you will be looking at are in general only just starting to think about their future in similar terms. In short I think you are the perfect age to get what you want.

At 29 I was engaged to someone who I knew deep down wasn't "The One" - like you, I was terrified of being left on the shelf. Fortunately I had the sense not to marry him and met my wonderful DH to be at 32 after countless disappointing dates. Don't give up hope or settle for someone who isn't right for you OP. Like others have said, when I read your thread title I thought you were going to say you were far older than you were - there's still plenty of time yet.

I went to an amazing wedding a few weeks ago. So many of the single women guests wobbled dangerously after it. Quite a few didn't go bcs they couldn't face not only the day but the fallout weeks afterwards. So bear that in mind.

6 months?! Erm, that's not long. And 29 isn't 'later life' - tho I think that's been established. But have you got it?

Thank you all so so much :)