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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mental health/emotional abuse

34 replies

AtSea1979 · 01/09/2015 21:21

Wasn't sure whether to put this in mental health or here. Chose here as want more relationship advise than MH.
DP believed he was depressed. I saw no obvious outward signs of this. He's always quite a negative, draining person but we've been getting on much better and I went as far as thinking 'we'd made it' 'living the dream' etc which blew up in my face when I said it to DP who then said he had depression and put himself on anti depressants, since then he's been a nightmare.
Angry, abusive, controlling, paranoid.
I've just thrown him out, I know he had nowhere to go but the past 72 hours have been awful and I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 01/09/2015 21:28

Change the locks to make sure he can't come back in the middle of the night, or some other time when you least expect it.

Obviously he needed a GP or similar to 'put himself on anti depressants', which begs the question of why you thought this pessimist was capable of optimism?

How long have you been living together and do you have dc?

mix56 · 01/09/2015 21:29

Send him back to Mother, this site is full of inadequate partners & women trying to help, question, retrieve or otherwise fix broken... men/relationships/marriages.
Sorry life is too short.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/09/2015 21:32

I have 2 DC from previous.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/09/2015 21:47

He just turned up. Nice as pie, saying he was sorry. Until I told him that he wasn't coming in and then he turned nasty again.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 01/09/2015 21:52

You don't need a drain on your emotional resources but, more to the point, your dc shouldn't be witness to their dm being maltreated by a selfish arse who sees no joy in life.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/09/2015 21:59

He's drove off. I'm relieved he's gone without too much fuss. It's not good for the DC. They are 10 and 6, it's a difficult age for them to understand but at same time too old for it to go over their heads.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 01/09/2015 22:10

Well done for standing firm. Does he have a key to any of the entrance doors? If so, can you bolt them from the inside?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/09/2015 22:38

He has a key but the chain is on and I don't think he'll try and enter now.
Bed feels so empty. We weren't living together for long but I'd gotten used to him being around, it's going to take some readjusting.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 01/09/2015 22:50

Pack his belongings in bin liners and put them somewhere you don't have to see them. Change the bedlinen and rearrange your bed - pillows in the centre and, if you have 2, display only your possessions on both bedside tables. Pack his belongings in bin liners or boxes and put them somewhere you don't have to see them - and be sure to clear his items out of the bathroom.

Grit your teeth and resolve to readjust asap because your dc not only deserve to have your full attention again, they need it after what sounds to have been a period of turbulence in their home.

Twinklestein · 01/09/2015 23:05

Can I ask why you moved in with a 'negative, draining person'?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/09/2015 23:10

He's not always like that but about 50% of the time he is.
I joke that he's like victor meldrew but the truth is he's very like him and it's not funny.

OP posts:
SomeBalance · 01/09/2015 23:35

Pack his belongings in bin liners and put them somewhere you don't have to see them. Change the bedlinen and rearrange your bed - pillows in the centre and, if you have 2, display only your possessions on both bedside tables. Pack his belongings in bin liners or boxes and put them somewhere you don't have to see them - and be sure to clear his items out of the bathroom

You seem to be positively salivating at the opportunity to type all that out (for the thousandth time probably)

What about the depressed person who has now been kicked out of his home?

Sod him, I suppose?

www.beliefnet.com/columnists/depressionhelp/files/2015/08/a2.jpg

goddessofsmallthings · 01/09/2015 23:54

If you check my posts on this site, SomeBalance, you'll find that this thread is the first and only time I've contributed that particular brief paragraph.

The only thing I salivate over are my meals and I endeavour not to make a meal of any threads on this board.

As for the 'depressed person', it appears that it's not his home and as the OP has said that 'the past 72 hours have been awful' it would appear to be in the best interests of all concerned, and in particular the OP's dc who may have returned to school today or will be doing so during this week, that he stays elsewhere at least until he has sought and received treatment for his obvious issues which may, or may not, be caused by any mental ill-health.

daiseehope · 02/09/2015 00:44

Speaking as someone who has suffered from depression, bad behaviour is not excused by it. Is there a lot of it goes on? Constant moaning is really wearing. X

mix56 · 02/09/2015 10:53

SomeBalance it seems you are defending a corner.

If someone is depressed & is destroying someone else's life,(& their children's) are you entitled to just be forgiven forever... or do you, at some point set them free?
Do depressed people only think about themselves ?

pocketsaviour · 02/09/2015 10:57

OP, just to double check - you expressed that you were happy in your relationship, and that caused him to flip out and go on the attack??

I think you've dodged a bullet here. He doesn't sound depressed so much as permanently angry.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 02/09/2015 11:46

Thanks I've just caught up with the thread. I came back as I'm struggling this morning. Strangely I have more energy than I've had in a long time despite the lack of sleep.
I'm getting drawn in to petty text arguments with DP. He isn't remorseful. He's telling me he wants to come home but on his terms and when I lay out mine he replies with 'I can't commit to any of those because you know I'm not well', which is just making me cross with frustration.
So I've blocked his texts and come here instead.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 02/09/2015 12:03

I'm sure you'll find time spent here more rewarding than exchanging texts with your now exdp who, it would seem, is still trying to dictate terms rather than accepting that he needs to seek professional help for his issues. .

How long has he lived with you and were you aware of his 'depression' before you let him move in?

What 'dream' did you believe you were living which caused him to kick off and what behaviours did he exhibit during the 72 hours prior to you telling him to leave?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 02/09/2015 12:59

I was aware of his 'negative outlook' on life. I was aware of some 'issues' but he seemed much brighter and happy with me. I've helped him out a lot over past month, with debts etc. So the dream I was in was that we were happy, financially straight and in love. That we'd get married and live a happy, commited life. But the very implication that he was happy seemed to panic him. It seems he doesn't want to be happy or can't handle the concept of being happy.
The past 72 hours he has been aggressive, abusive, accusatory, mocking, controlling.

OP posts:
mix56 · 02/09/2015 13:11

He thinks this is just being "told off", Have you told him its not working for you, it's finished. His belongings are in a bag ? he seems to think he can negotiate. so the final & only response is

"I am not interested in your terms of return since this is definitively not happening. if you wish to retrieve your things they are bagged & ready, please inform as if they are still there in another 2 days, they are going to the Red Cross."

mix56 · 02/09/2015 13:14

You "laying out your terms" tells him the door is still open & he can come back

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 02/09/2015 13:19

Yes because I thought there was a way back. I thought it was a blip. I thought he would calm down, see sense and be kind.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 02/09/2015 13:24

Are you saying that he's only been living in your home for a month? How much has it cost you to help him out "with debts etc" and what is the "etc" you've helped him out with?

Duckdeamon · 02/09/2015 13:35

he sounds like bad news and best out for your DCs' sake as well as yours. Even 50% of the time as idris Elba couldn't compensate for 50% as victor Meldrew, and this was before the recent episode of abusive behaviour?

Sounds like there were red flags that you missed or ignored.

How much of your family money has been wasted on his debts?

Duckdeamon · 02/09/2015 13:36

Why are you telling him he can come back if he agrees to certain things?

Do your DCs actually like him?