I dont know what to call this thread, can you just talk me through this please, i need some support-self esteem related?

[Bullettoothtony]

I was married to xh for 12 years and we split up 5 years ago. The marriage was bad. He is an alcoholic and was emotionally absent/abusive and probably financially abusive. I was left quite traumatised. I've spent a lot of time working out why I married this man and why I stayed with him so long. I think it's because of my 2nd boyfriend. I had a great relationship with this guy when I was 17. We dated for 2 years, had loads of fun and were completely in love. I split up with him after I went to college and felt like I was going off in a different direction. A few weeks after we split up, on a drunken night out, he violently raped me. I never reported this, didn't process it for years, just moved away. Anyway looking back now, I realise this has had huge impacts on my self esteem, trust and judgement. After this, I had quite a lot of bad drunken sex with men I didn't know. A couple of which I really liked and built up hopes of relationships in my head, based in nothing; pursuing them embarrassingly. I rejected anyone who really liked me or was good to me. When I met my husband he treated me with no respect and kept me at arms length emotionally but said all the right things and was happy to be in a relationship with me. Perfect. We have 2 kids.

So, for the last 5 years my life has been all about my career and my children. I've lost contact with a number of friends and don't go out very often without the kids. I thought it was fine. I have had no desire at all to start another relationship. I don't want to share my life or complicate my kids lives. I don't need a man in any shape or form. And helpfully, my sex drive has vanished.

Until, I met this guy at work about 3 months ago. I have the BIGGEST crush ever. He is lovely and we have loads in common and I can't stop thinking about him. I can't eat or sleep...in quite an alarming way. I've lost half a stone in a week. I realise that my life isn't actually 'fine' at all and I would really like to go out with this guy and have some fun=. And sex. On the one hand, I am so pleased to feel like this whole dormant side of me has woken up. It died at some point during my marriage. It's really invigorating. I've got loads of interest in parts of life that were just passing me by..

So, I think I've decided to ask him out. But I'm really really scared he will say no. I'm not sure after having this kind of awakening, how I would cope with the rejection. I don't feel like I would just revert to how I was before. I don't even want to. But I really don't want to go plummeting to the depth of self loathing and ridicule, that I feel inevitable.

I'm also a bit scared, he might say yes...and that's due to body and sex confidence issues; post babies/over weight/been along time/history of bad sex/rape/can't remember what to do

Shit, that was long. I know this sounds fairly trivial, but I'm suffering anxiety over it and I need someone to talk me down/through it

Please. And thanks for reading

First off, congratulations on your growth so far! Have you had any counselling? Talked to Rape Crisis, for instance? I strongly suggest you give that a go, even just in general, but also because this new interest (hopefully budding relationship! ) may throw up some more triggers along the way, and counselling may give you a good outlet, a place to vent.

As to the self-confidence issues, I agree with the exercise ideas. Maybe add in some dance classes: better fitness, confidence and a social thing to invite him to, all rolled into one.

Yy, I was going to ask him to come see a film, that we have both been talking about.

engineer I did go for 1 counselling session. It took all I had to muster the courage to organise that and go through with it. I went to the assessment session. Then they put me on a waiting list. And never got back to me. I felt really ripped open and vulnerable.

Maybe it's time to try again

I exercise loads. I'm quite fit. But overweight because I comfort eat. Or , I did comfort eat. Now, I just pine

Im not in a good place myself so probably shouldnt be giving advice right not but there are alot of positives in your post, you are a strong person to have gone through what you have and to have stopped the cycle, it may not feel like it but you are.

I believe that people come into our lives with different purposes, some will only stay short time others longer. His role might only to be this healing one, reawakinging old desires /feelings, so you are ready to trust, accept someone when they do appear but that is still a positive.

Give yourself permission to have some fun if thats what you want, if he has a problem with your body or doing this on your terms then he isnt someone that you would want in your life long term anyway.

The difference here is that YOU are setting the rules and boundaries. The only thing that you have to be is honest in what you want from your time together, not to say that this doesnt change over time but if you only want some fun to begin with then its important that he knows this as well

Thankyiu headless. That made me cry a bit.

So, you think I should risk rejection and just ask him?

Important information I forgot; he is 9 years younger than me and childless. So rejection is the most likely outcome. But I don't know what else I can do.

What I am scared if is that he will be so utterly shocked and repulsed by the idea of going out. Like, he will think I am demented for even thinking it's a possibility

Listen to Lambrini

And pursue the counselling. Get back to your go and chase it. I think Rape Crisis you simply contact yourself.

Also, consider renewing some of the friendships you've let go by the wayside. Just the supportive ones!

I'm just concerned for you (and I think you are, reading between the lines) that you feel at risk of pinning too much on this one guy, either in terms of your own hopes or in an "overburden" kind of way. Especially if he's a work colleague: that certainly can make things complex if it doesn't go well. Having other [adult conversation] outlets in your life should help with taking some of the pressure off.

I get good vibes from him. But I can't trust my judgement. Like I said, I have form for building up relationships in my head.

The only way to know if it is in my head, is to ask though right??

Or, would he have asked me, if he was interested?

Yy to be worried about pinning too much on this one guy. both I'm terms of my own hopes and over burden. I feel a bit overwhelmed by the emotions I am feeling. Alot overwhelmed.

Even if interested, he would not be up for shouldering all this crap. Hes pretty vulnerable himself

I'm off work this week engineer and have already been and met up with a bunch of school friends. That was really grounding/centring

And I FBd 3 other lost friends from various parts of my life, who I really value and miss.

Working ft and being a LP to 2, I just Haven't had the time/energy to maintain friendships. Mostly, if I'm honest, because I have felt like I don't have anything to offer. I felt like I/my life is just dull and tedious for everyone else

No, the only way to know if its all in your head is to know your head better.

Just look at what you've written so far: that you're worried he might be repulsed, that he might not be interested in somebody older and with children. Sorry, but on some level, you're already building up something in your mind that may bear no relation to the reality of the guy.

IME, even these days, people, even non-British people, probably aren't going to say honestly why they'd say No Thank You to a date. It could be for any innocuous reasons that are absolutely nothing to do with you*. If you can honestly get your head into a place where that's your overriding thought, that's the right time to ask.

• he could be rushing home to tend his sick auntie. He could be skint until next pay day. He could be shy about crowds. He might hate that genre of film and is too polite to say it. He could be interested only in blondes/brunettes/big tits/tiny bums/whateva. He might not date people from work. He might have taken a vow of chastity set by an obscure order...

I dint understand your second paragraph

you're already building up something in your mind that might bear no relation to the reality of the guy

You mean, I have built up the reasons he would say no? Or I've probably built up the 'relationship'?

Oh Haas, I'm a fucking ng mess. I shouldn't ask him should I??

I think you should see if he wants to see the film with you and take it from there. Go as friends but give an opportunity for him to make a move. Either he will take it or he wont. If you want to totally break the cycle then the first date wont be anything more than a snog because you wont be ready yet emotionally, no matter what your physical response is.

You said it yourself, you have a massive crush on him. Some crushes work out but most pass and fade in time. He is 9 yrs younger than you but age is only a number, there is 9 yrs between me and DH but mentally we meet in the middle IYSWIM.

Ok ok, I think I get it!

Even if he turns me down, it doesn't mean I am too old/fat/defective in some way. It just means he is not interested in me, for whatever reason

My self worth should not be linked to other people's opinions/perceptions of me

Oh OP - if he did reject you, it might be nothing to do with you at all! You work together so he might think that having a relationship with a colleague is not on.

We have all had crushes on people, the best thing about them is the feeling of being alive again. But just dont put yourself down too much if it doesnt go to plan - there are other factors going on here that are not to do with you.

I had a crush on someone i worked with. We hooked up after we both moved onto other jobs and it was amazing for a short while. Just what i needed. Neither of us dared hooking up whilst we worked together though. It would have been round like wildfire and we would never have coped with the incessant comments, both of us being introverts.

I'm really sorry, to drag you all into my navelvgazing

The stupid stupid thing is; I don't even want a big serious relationship. Just someone to have some fun and sex with. So, it really shouldn't be this complicated!

Oh OP you sound so amazing to have come through such horrendous times.

I agree you totally deserve some fun and happiness in you life but, as gently as possible, I would wonder if having a man be the source of that is a good idea just yet.

Already he has a hold on your happiness to some degree- you'll be giddy and delighted if he accepts a date (who wouldn't be?) but perhaps quite upset if he says no. It may be a deeper hurt to you than it should be had you not been so betrayed by men before. He shouldn't have that much power over your inner sense of joy and well-being. No man really should.

Happiness, joy, self-esteem and a deep well of contentment are things that have to come from within you in order to be really meaningful. Otherwise you're letting someone else control your happiness. However lovely they might be, that puts you in such a vulnerable position.

My advice, and I may be way off the mark, would be to hold back. Look on this as a spark to ignite your desire to heal your own wounds. Get counselling. Work on inner happiness, focus of the joy your children bring, reconnect with friends as you have been doing. But give yourself time and expert help to work through the devastating blows of your past.

Otherwise I'd worry you're dooming yourself to relying on others, sometimes very new and insecurely connected others, to give you happiness. When in reality you deserve a deep wellspring of joy within yourself. That will allow you to form slow-burning, considered and thoughtful new relationships that will bring their own joy but never truly rock your core of they don't work out. It's within YOU to really relish life and live with joy but you need to work through your past to get there. It's a shit road but so so worth it.

and a big hug to you OP. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

I think you are trying to second guess things, break it down - you like him and are willing to dip a toe back into a having a possible relationship again. This is positive and a sign that you are healing. It doesnt matter if nothing else happens with him, this alone is positive.

So you want to see if you are ready for the next step - yes he might say No thanks, but dont let that take away from what I said above. He just isnt the person you think he is. This will let you see him for who he is and help you to get over your crush. You could see this as a positive as well - not wasting time and emotionally energy were its not deserved. I think the trick here is to do it in a way in which you can still maintain a working relationship and your friendship.

the trick here is to do it in a way in which you can still maintain a working relationship and your friendship

I think I can do that lambrimi

Then i would go for it, see what happens but as a pp said, your happiness doesn't rely on the outcome of this, if he says no, then there could be variety of reasons why and not one of those reasons will be because YOU are NOT a strong, wonderful person because you are.

Bullet

It sounds like you're ready to start thinking about a relationship, but not ready for an actual relationship. If you'd said "there's this guy at work, I really like him and fancy some fun so I'm thinking of asking him out" then that would be great. However, it sounds like what you're actually saying is that you can't function as a healthy person at the moment because of your feelings towards him, and this is not great.

The problem is not if he says 'no', the problem is if he says 'yes'. If you're already moving to infatuation, there's no way this can just be a bit of fun, and you're putting yourself at a big disadvantage in the relationship if he turns out to be a player or EA. As others have said, seek counselling. You need to do some work on yourself so that you have a healthy crush on this guy before you ask him out.

I don't think I'm infatuated Am I??

I think I'm just over whelmed by these emotions and desires, because I haven't felt them for do long. I don't even really want a 'big' relationship. I can't imagine introducing anyone to my dcs as a 'boyfriend'

I do see what you're saying about my emotions being high and potential for fallout. But I'm never going to risk my equilibrium (as dull as it might be) for someone who doesn't get my heart racing

"I had quite a lot of bad drunken sex with men I didn't know. A couple of which I really liked and built up hopes of relationships in my head, based in nothing; pursuing them embarrassingly. "

It appears that you are in serious danger of doing exactly the same with your colleague because you are obsessing about him.

If you ask him out and he says no, what you'll perceive as rejection of you personally will further compound your poor self-image and your mortification at getting it wrong may lead to tension at work whenever you are required to be, or find yourself, in the same room as him.

If he says yes and you spend enjoyable evening with him it may fuel your obsession and you could make a complete twat of yourself at work by continually finding reason to be in his presence if he doesn't follow through by asking you out in return.

It seems to me that the 'spark' that's been lit inside you by this particular guy is a sign that your body is reasserting itself as a sexual being and you're best advised to work on your mind before looking outside of the workplace for a friend with benefits arrangement with a man who also wants a lighthearted dalliance with a likeminded woman.

but that's the wrong answer goddess!!

This is the only man who I have found remotely interesting in 15 years+! I'm not going to go out looking for alternatives. I don't have the inclination to do that

I'm just not sure, no matter how much therapy etc I was to do, that the first man I have any kind of relationship isn't going to have this effect on me. It's a pretty big thing