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Original poster

contact after first online date?

59 replies

violet1300 · 31/08/2015 16:16

Hi everyone,

Could really do with some advice. Went on a first date on Friday with a man I met online (my first ever online date) and I think it went really well. We kissed and arranged on the date to see each other again on Weds.

I'm currently trying to stop my anxiety from taking over, because he hasn't said a word to me since the night of the date! I know this might seem like an overreaction but I have never dated a man who doesn't indulge in some 'between date' text conversations... surely its a great time to get to know each other a bit better so we are even more comfortable with each other by the next date?

I did text him straight after our date on Friday to say I had a good time, and he replied saying he did too, and that's the last I've heard from him.

Shall I get in touch? I could wait until tomorrow and just get in touch to make plans for Weds I suppose, but I am really worried that his lack of urge to chat means that he isn't that keen.

I wonder if he is having second thoughts because he is 11 years older than me. The age gap also gives me anxiety that maybe he just does things
differently to men my age, and I'm stressing about nothing!!

Apologies if I sound completely irrational. Just out of a long term relationship with a very sad breakup, and feeling very naive and stupid in the world of dating!!

OP posts:
hollieberrie · 31/08/2015 17:10

Oh no, sorry OP, but sadly this happens all the time with OLD. I had a great date last year, complete with smooch at the end and i never heard a word from him again. It wasnt upsetting, more just confusing. Confused

Hope you do hear from him, but if not, onwards & upwards. You sound lovely, stick with it, you will meet someone.

Trills · 31/08/2015 17:10

I agree with Gymbunny

Text him, suggest something.

Then you'll know either way and can stop angsting.

Original poster
violet1300 · 31/08/2015 17:12

okay. I might just text. I guess if he isn't keen he isn't keen, and me texting isn't going to change that.
But if he IS keen then me texting a very casual message would not be a bad thing to do, right?

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2015 17:13

Go for it!

Jan45 · 31/08/2015 17:13

Oh please don't text him again, you are coming across as really needy, I also wonder about your anxiety, do you think you are in the right place to be dating?

Believe me if he is interested he will be in touch, and it's true, you can have a great date but then not hear from them again, it's not unusual at all, in fact, it's pretty common practice.

Did you actually make a date for Wed, or did you just suggest you are free then, either way, I think he knows already that you are interested, leave it, let him do some running.

Original poster
violet1300 · 31/08/2015 17:14

thanks hollieberrie, that sounds awful! I will definitely be very hurt if that happens with this guy. It's not like I am besotted with him or anything, but it's just such a weird situation. If I didn't like someone on a first date I would just be very polite and let them know I didn't think we were that compatible!
I guess he could have had someone else on the backburner and things have taken off with them, or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
violet1300 · 31/08/2015 17:15

I do have anxiety issues and am seeing a therapist, who thinks it's a good idea for me to start dating! i may have to punch him at our next appointment.

OP posts:
Original poster
violet1300 · 31/08/2015 17:16

I don't want to come across as needy and scare him off. Oh god this is horrendous. I might just lock my phone away and go sit in a darkened room for the rest of the day.

OP posts:
Egghead68 · 31/08/2015 17:21

Maybe online dating is not for you at the moment.

loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2015 17:23

I don't see what is needy about texting him with a date idea!

pinkfrocks · 31/08/2015 17:26

If you want to see him again then I'd hold off. If you just want to know what he's thinking then contact him. Did he initiate the first contact online? If so, then the ball is in his court. I don't care about 'equality' I still think that many men like to do the running and if they are keen, they will. They are simple creatures who do not agonise or over think. If he hasn't got the gumption to contact you then leave it. If you set a pattern of being needy or chasing then that establishes a pattern. He might agree to one more date to be 'kind' but if he were to repeat this behaviour then I'd really leave it.

TBH it's not OD- it's just 'dating'. OD didn't exist when I was single, and we relied on landlines. Yes, that long ago. But it was still agony waiting for call to confirm. Nothing's really changed.

SilverBirchWithout · 31/08/2015 17:28

I would opt for a quick chatty text, rather than mention plans for Wdnesday. If he doesn't respond you will feel less "rejected" Ifykmim

beaglesaresweet · 31/08/2015 17:29

OP he may have been away for hte long weekend or busy being social. If he said 'can't wait to meet on Wed' then assume it's on and he should contact you this eve or tomorrow. If he doesn't he's changed his mind. Don't text again! you ve already texted after the date and also suggested Wed (while he was vague) - do not scare him off early on by chasing. In the days before texts, it was absolutely NORMAL not to hear for a week or even more after the first date yet a man was really interested, it's called keeping his cool as men also don't want to come across as if his tongue is hanging out, especially if he's older this may apply.
It's literally been THREE DAYS of no contact! and peopl;e say write him off? he may have lost interest but 3 days of no contact is not a sign of that in itself.
Also some people (incl me) much prefer getting to know each other face to face - texting is so tiresome and you don't see theit expression, so much better to see their face when they tell you about themselves.

pinkfrocks · 31/08/2015 17:34

Texts are a PITA when it comes to dating. Much simpler when they didn't exist and people made contact by phone. My DH and I lived 90 miles apart for 3 years when dating and all the contact we had in between was a phone call once or maybe twice a week. The Goold Old days.

Zampa · 31/08/2015 17:34

Text him! Worse thing that could happen is that he either doesn't respond or he let's you down (hopefully gently). Best result is that you have a date planned for Wednesday. Either way you get some certainty.

FWIW I went on a date with a guy one Saturday that I thought went really well ... then I didn't hear from him all week. A colleague told me to get over myself and text him (on the following Friday) and it all snowballed from there. Currently sat on the sofa with our 14 week old daughter!

Original poster
violet1300 · 31/08/2015 17:39

oh zampa what a lovely story :)
thanks everyone!! really appreciate the advice. I think I will text tomorrow and keep it very casual... and see if he mentions weds or not.
He contacted me first and made all the arrangements so I assume he likes taking the lead. That said, I don't want to set a precedent of playing games, playing it cool, sticking to rules and so on. I just cannot be arsed.

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 31/08/2015 17:44

You need the hide of a rhino for OLD, and it takes a while and a few encounters just like this, to be able to recognise this type of behaviour for exactly what it is. OLD is hard work.

The fact that you've said you'll be "very hurt" if he does a disappearing act suggests that you're probably not mentally or emotionally in the right place for OLD right now, and I do mean that in the nicest possible way.

Men being all keen on the first date, vaguely suggesting a second date, then disappearing never to be seen or heard from again is really common.

ImperialBlether · 31/08/2015 17:55

Zampa, what was his reason for not being in touch?

Trills · 31/08/2015 17:56

They are simple creatures who do not agonise or over think

Bollocks. Men are just as complicated as women.

And texting to arrange a date is not being needy, it is being normal.

Being needy would be sending many texts without getting an answer from him in between.

He sent the last message. How could it possibly be needy for you to send the next one?

Fuckitfay · 31/08/2015 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2015 18:13

As trills says

Botanicbaby · 31/08/2015 21:58

"Dammit. I wonder if I was really ready for this. I assumed it would be like normal dating but there's a whole other realm of issues that come with meeting complete strangers I suppose"

sorry but I don't think you are ready or prepared for OLD...it can be brutal and as PP say you need the hide of a rhino to survive.

on the other hand, why should the date on Wednesday all be about what he wants and up to him to arrange?...if you are still free and willing to meet on Weds then just call or text him about it. But be prepared to be let down however I hope that doesn't happen to you.

Nevergoingtolearn · 31/08/2015 22:10

I have been OLD for a little while and sadly this happens a lot and has happened to me several times, I have met men, they have come across as really keen and have asked if we can meet again, then contact stops. You really do need a thick skin, I found it really hard at first now I don't get too excited when a man seems keen, I don't think you can feel safe until after the 3rd or 4th date as there's a big chance that they will vanish.

Fuckitfay · 31/08/2015 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

turtletea · 31/08/2015 22:16

This is so common - just get back out there and message some other people, then if he messages, he messages, if not, so be it. I've had a couple of dates with a really nice guy- snogs and everything and they've just gone awol. I think it's rude and cowardly, but very common sadly. Do you really want to be with someone like that?