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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is living separately the answer?

30 replies

FishFace99 · 30/08/2015 23:32

When I met DP he had 3 yo twins who are now 9. I had a 2 yo DD who is now 8 and now together we have three DC aged 3, 2 and 5 months. We moved in together 2 yrs ago because he worked away and I was studying before that but I (we) have been much less happy since living together. I feel totally claustrophobic because I have either the kids or him touching me 24/7, I literally do not get a single second to myself all day. I am a SAHM and he does nothing around the house bar washing up, the kids don't want him to do anything for them.

His DC are refusing to have contact because they have various issues like they don't want the other DC to ever touch their things etc. He has no authority and parenting is only made harder by him being here. I love him but I hate living with him. Any time I have my hands free he's pouncing on me for a cuddle. He tells me 1000 times per day how much he loves me and finds me irresistible. It's all too much. I was so much happier when I had a nice clean house, could have some time to myself when the DC were in bed, could see him on mutually agreed terms etc.

The 3 yo starts nursery on Tuesday and he's constantly nudging and winking about how we can get the other two to nap together so we can get it on. I just want a break from being responsible for someone else's happiness. By living together I can't afford to work because he earns too much for tax credits but not enough to contribute to childcare so it means I'll never have the career I want and have worked hard for and we'll never be able to afford to buy a house or have holidays.

If we lived separately he could see his DC and they could have their ownrooms and belongings and would be happier. I could pursue my career and be happier and we could have a better quality of life and save for the future. Or should I accept that I'm just better off alone? He says he'll give up his DC if they're refusing to come but I can't respect a man who could do this and think its only putting off the problem til the future anyway.

OP posts:

Macadaamia · 30/08/2015 23:35

Do you mean 'Split up'

pocketsaviour · 30/08/2015 23:40

He says he'll give up his DC if they're refusing to come but I can't respect a man who could do this

I agree.

How is he with the DC you share?

PennyHasNoSurname · 30/08/2015 23:41

I think this is why he isnt with the twins' mother. He sounds unbearable.

Split, imo.

And he says he would give up his twins for you? Wonder if he will say that about your kids to the next woman.

TheTigerIsOut · 30/08/2015 23:46

Ok... You are just exhausted, which I suppose is perfectly natural with 7 children in the equation.

I think is very important that you try to get your career back, because without it you will be married to the tax credits (and their rules) or fully dependant on your partner. I think however that before thinking that separation is the answer, you need to have a full and frank conversation with about how you feel and how you xan work TOGETHER to ensure you are not sitting frustrated at home (i also believe that with so many children the only way you can get a bit of time on your own to recover yourself is by going back to work so, if all your salary goes in nursery fees, so be it. Much better in the long run not to make much money now than letting that career gap get wider.

Relate?

Morganly · 30/08/2015 23:47

Yes, yes, this clearly isn't working for you, so definitely go with the separate living arrangements. You may feel in the future that you want to split up as well, as Macademia says, but if that's too big a decision right now, try the separate living first. Of course, he may not be happy with that and look around for someone who is more wholeheartedly committed more of a pushover.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 30/08/2015 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FishFace99 · 30/08/2015 23:49

He says he doesn't want to have two separate families/that his DC behaviour isn't fair on ours so he's left with no option but to walk away.

He loves our DC but I feel like he loves me more and I don't like that. If it was a choice between having just me or just the DC I think he'd pick me. I think if I left him and made contact difficult he wouldn't pursue it. But if I made it easy for him then he'd be a good father without the preoccupation of me.

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 30/08/2015 23:51

"He says he'll give up his DC if they're refusing to come but I can't respect a man who could do this and think its only putting off the problem til the future anyway."

good grief, I can understand why you would have no respect for him if he can say this!

I would say you're better off alone but not because of you...because he sounds horrendous to live with.

You are not the only one who would feel claustrophobic what with him pouncing on you every two minutes yet he cannot be bothered to do anything around the house bar washing-up?! what planet is he living on...please PLEASE tell him that by doing nothing around the house does NOT make him irresistible to you nor do the constant 1000 times a day declarations of love. Tell him if he loved you that much he'd put some effort into doing his fair share of the housework/childcare and see how he reacts.

TheTigerIsOut · 30/08/2015 23:51

I totally missed the part of giving up his children... Get back to work ASAP, this wanker can't be relied upon to help you raise his children. Keeping your earning power is the best you can do to ensure you can provide for your children in the future.

IMO you should secure a job before splitting up. But yes, you will be better of without him in the long term.

whatsinthename · 30/08/2015 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FishFace99 · 30/08/2015 23:54

I've tried explaining that he needs to help in some way but he cannot do anything without explicit instructions. For example, if I say could you make lunch while I change the baby, he'd be in every two seconds with 'does DC1 like cucumber? Does DC3 like sandwiches or crackers? Shall I grate or slice the cheese?' etc. I can't remember the last time he made an independent decision.

OP posts:

Macadaamia · 30/08/2015 23:57

But he holds down a job??

So you do want to split up?

Original poster

FishFace99 · 30/08/2015 23:58

I've said that being more useful would make me happier but he just points out that having help, albeit asked for and instructed, is better than having no help. I disagree. Without him here to be inconsistent with the kids, to make so much messetc iI wouldn't need so much help.

OP posts:

PennyHasNoSurname · 31/08/2015 00:00

Could you pick one or two things and just make them his permanent reaponsibility? So he does bathtimes for all the kids, does all the bins, does all the vacuuming. Or similar. You do none of it and he simply has to learn how to do it and get on with it.

Rather than being responsible for giving him chores?

Original poster

FishFace99 · 31/08/2015 00:03

A very responsible job at that!

We were really happy before we lived together.

It just feels to me like his only aim in life is to work and to have as much physical contact with me as possible. We recently moved from a 3 storey house to a bungalow and I hate the thought of having sex here because any of the DC could hear us/walk in on us within seconds.

OP posts:

Original poster

FishFace99 · 31/08/2015 00:06

Even if he started doing a couple of things like that though Penny, it wouldn't solve me feeling fed up of being broke and with no career prospects, or the suffocation factor.

OP posts:

magiccatlitter · 31/08/2015 00:40

He's taking the piss at home pretending he needs play by play instructions to make a sandwich so you will get frustrated and do it yourself.

If he acted like that on his job he would have been sacked long ago.

I would tell him that and also he needs to back off some on the constant touching as it is OTT and pushing you away. Be direct and blunt on exactly what you need from him.

Macadaamia · 31/08/2015 11:10

You'll be more broke if you love seperately tho?

Macadaamia · 31/08/2015 11:17

*live!!!

Cabrinha · 31/08/2015 11:19

No, living separately is not the answer.
Splitting up is the answer.

He does nothing to help and constantly pesters you for sex. And is shit with his kids.

Remind me, the bit about you loving him - I seem to have missed why?

Coolforthesummer · 31/08/2015 11:33

Will your finances or career prospects improve if you separate? How does that work with so many young children?

Do you actually want to be with this man as your partner?

It must be awful for him to be all over you like that.

category12 · 31/08/2015 11:38

It certainly sounds like one solution. (Maybe because I have recently split up with my ex, and I'm loving having the house to myself and the kids, but I am currently having difficulty relating to wanting to live with someone.) We are all so fixed on the 'relationship escalator' but to me, what you're proposing sounds pretty good. Although maybe not with this man, whose disregard for the dc and smothering sexual advances make him undesirable. But with someone nicer. Yeah.

Penfold007 · 31/08/2015 11:39

Will he be able to afford a place of his own when he is paying two lots of child maintenance. Can you cope with 24/7 lone parenting of four children.

goodcompany2 · 31/08/2015 11:49

Maybe living separately is the answer. DB and I have been seeing each other for 15 months. We live separately and both of us love the choices it gives us. We both have our own space and independence. He can have time with his kids without me being part of the 'package' and I can parent my kids my way. We can bounce parenting ideas off each other but ultimately make our own decisions. How I run my home, finances and career is down to me and I love maintaining my autonomy. Don't know how it might work were we to have kids together (never going to happen) but think it's worth trying if the status quo isn't working.

A reference on MN to women's work book recently sums it up nicely for me. When a man lives with a woman. certain jobs, seem to fall to her and living apart avoids this. E.g. organising childcare, kid's social stuff, present buying, xmas arrangements, school stuff, health appts. When you don't live together maybe this work is more easily discussed and her role less taken for granted? Plus our time together still gets referred to as date nights and is scheduled in with a planned activity, even down to who's getting the food in, the wine and what shall we do? For me that's keeping it special and fresh. Keeps the physical side fresh too.

He may need convincing though as the current situation suits him more than you. Good luck.

tribpot · 31/08/2015 11:57

I can't see why you wouldn't want to live separately, frankly.

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