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Original poster

Advice needed by a man

30 replies

NotSure15 · 30/08/2015 19:10

Hello there,

I had been seeking advice at this forum long time ago which proved really helpful and wonder if I could get some advice regarding the split of household expenses etc.

My profession requires shift work frequently. To provide stability for the family, she has chosen to remain with the same employer for many years as she can work around the family requirements. Our children go to nursery full time but she ensures pick and drop of children is done timely which is not always possible for me because of the nature of my work.

I earn at least 40% more than my wife does. Having said that, she can earn equal to what I do, if she does not have to stay with the same job to provide the stability for the family.

The expenses consist of the usual household bills, child care costs and mortgage etc. She also supports her parents financially on regular basis.

I am trying to work out a fair financial arrangement between both of us to meet our family expenses.

My initial thoughts are to pool all the income, pay the bills out of the pool and the rest is divided up between the two.The money she sends to her parents can be treated as a standard 'bill' like childcare, mortgage etc or may go out of her share which is left after the bills are paid.

What are your thoughts about this.

Many Thanks

OP posts:
JustCallMeDory · 30/08/2015 19:18

Most people will differ, but as far as I'm concerned if you've got children and an house together your money is joint. You earn more, your partner does more childcare - which in turn frees you up to do shift work and earn more.

Pool your money. Then you'll stop thinking of 'mine' and 'hers' and start thinking of 'ours'.

JustCallMeDory · 30/08/2015 19:18

an house? oops. A house.

Skiptonlass · 30/08/2015 19:36

Separate primary accounts and at least one joint account. Into the joint account you pay enough to cover your mortgage, bills, food etc with a % buffer. You might want a joint savings account too for holidays etc

Leave each partner a small but not miserly amount in their primary accounts that's just theirs and pool the rest, basically.

And do stop thinking of it as yours and mine - you couldn't do those shifts, and she could be earning much more, if she wasn't doing the childcare. You'd need to sort out all those pick ups and drop offs for example. You're a team, so think of your assets as joint ones. Over our married life dh and I have both been the primary earner at various times - we are a team and our assets are pooled, but we keep a little separate for ourselves as treat money. Works well for us!

I can't give advice on providing for family outside the primary household, sure other posters here will be able to advise.

quicklydecides · 30/08/2015 19:40

What does your wife think?

Lweji · 30/08/2015 19:46

I agree with you in pooling resources, one way or another, so that both have the same disposable income (don't forget to set up some savings for both in equal terms, and for larger expenditures).

I suppose for me (you?) the main question would be how to address the money she gives her parents.

I think you should propose what you would think would be fair if it was your own parents.
I would take into account how much they need it, how much they help out, or have helped out previously.
It also depends on how you consider them your family, or part of a separate family.

Original poster
NotSure15 · 30/08/2015 19:56

Wow, lots of helpful replies. Thanks to all of you.

so, the main question is to how to address the money she gives to her parents.

I do consider her parents as my own family but I do have thoughts about it, at times - to be honest.

This is a tricky situation.

I strongly hope I can find some answer with your help, wise mnetters :) Please share your thoughts about it.

OP posts:
ChickenTikkaMassala · 30/08/2015 19:59

Why is she giving money to her parents? I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it, it's just slightly unusual. Are they struggling financially?

Original poster
NotSure15 · 30/08/2015 20:10

Why is she giving money to her parents? I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it, it's just slightly unusual. Are they struggling financially?

They don't live in the UK and they could do with extra financial help. I don't mind her helping them out in general terms but I do think sometimes if they could do with a bit less help. Having said that, I know it makes her happy to help her parents specially when they don't live close to her.

OP posts:
OddlyLogical · 30/08/2015 20:13

We have joint income and joint expenses. Everything gets pooled.
What's left over we use fairly sensibly. Big purchases we would run past each other but it's never a problem.
The money she gives to her parents would depend on the reason, but it would just all come out of the pot in our house.

Hassled · 30/08/2015 20:18

Do you have an equivalent expense - a hobby, say - that balances out the money to her parents? I can see why you might struggle with that, depending on how bad their circumstances are - I'd imagine if they're in a different country (so she's from a different country?) then homesickness may be driving her wish to keep involved by sending money. Does she get to see them?

But other than that, yes, pooled resources makes the most sense. She could earn more if she looked elsewhere, but then you wouldn't have the flexibility which is invaluable when you have small kids - you'd all miss out if you lost that.

Lweji · 30/08/2015 20:24

What would your thoughts be if the same amount was spent visiting them, attending family functions, presents and so on?

How is it with your family and friends? Do you think she'd begrudge if you had to pay for care for your parents or to have them at home?

But ultimately I'd be happy to teach my children that parents should be supported in their old age, and hope that they'd follow my example and support me should I need it.

daisychain01 · 30/08/2015 20:27

Re: financial support for her parents, if it's within reason and doesn't leave you - and importantly your children - short, then it's a lovely and kind thing to do and I wouldn't see anything wrong in it. I would support my DP if he wanted to help his parents out, for example.

But if it's a bone of contention, then it is best 'aired' with your partner.

Joysmum · 30/08/2015 21:04

I'd go for a fumivmxedcaffordable allowance each month that goes to her account and she can allow that to build for when they need it or transfer it to them monthly. I'd certainly see it as coming from joint money and not begrudge it but would do the fixed allowance so that it's a controlled expense. I know how easy it is to get over enthusiastic about wanting to help out parents so make it a budgeted expense.

ElkeDagMeisje · 30/08/2015 22:35

Personally, if you are pooling the money, I wouldn't be happy paying for her parents out of it, and would separate that as being her responsibility alone. I don't think its fair otherwise. If not doing this, I'd want to know exactly where the money is going and why they are unable to support themselves after (presumably) a lifetime of earning. Is the money being siphoned off elsewhere to support other family members, for example?

In general, I would say it sounds as though her earning capacity and career has suffered through being in a relationship with you and having children and you should pool your finances (subject to above) on that basis.

quicklydecides · 30/08/2015 22:48

Wharf does your wife think?

ReportingForDuty · 30/08/2015 22:58

It's impossible to say without knowing your wife's views.

I would pool all the money, pay all the bills and put aside some savings if possible. Then split whatever is left over.

As to whether the parents are counted as a bill or just your wife's expense would depend on how you both feel about it.

Original poster
NotSure15 · 30/08/2015 23:06

What does your wife think?

She thinks her parents are her responsibility as our children are and this is the least she can do for them to look after them, ideally she should be close to them and helping them with day to day stuff as they looked after her when she was a child. I don't disagree with any of that.

She says she won't have a problem if I ever have to do the same for my parents. Helping her parents is something she can't compromise on and if the money does not go out of the joint pool, she is happy to spend it from her savings i.e. her share after paying off the expenses.

In this case, she would be only able to contribute a certain amount as she would need to account for savings for retirement etc, which might mean either I pay more to maintain our current life standard or we might have to make changes (downgrade) our life style.

I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSure15 · 30/08/2015 23:10

Another important point is that she wants her parents to see it like she is spending money on them and not both of us.

OP posts:
ElkeDagMeisje · 30/08/2015 23:10

If you are asking the question in the thread title, I cannot understand why you are not asking more detailed questions about how much your wife's parents need, for what purposes and the cost of living in the country that they live in (presumably it is one without a state pension?)

ReportingForDuty · 30/08/2015 23:17

It sounds like you are both happy to pay her parents out of your joint money so what's the problem? Confused

Original poster
NotSure15 · 31/08/2015 00:00

I am generally ok with that, but when I think, money she is sending her parents can be used in our own retirement and for our children, I feel uncomfortable about this. When I see things from her own perspective, I can understand what she is doing too.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/08/2015 00:21

Presumably she can earn as much as she does and have the job she does at least in part thanks to her parents?

What would the alternative be? Would they starve? Not have a decent home?

I don't understand an earlier comment. Does she want what she gives her parents to come from her own spending money, so that they are that it's her giving it and not you?

BrandNewAndImproved · 31/08/2015 00:34

Can you not both put the same percentage of money in a joint account and then you can both have separate money for your own things. All the bills come out the joint account and leftover money every month into savings?

magiccatlitter · 31/08/2015 00:34

I need some more information on why her parents need so much help? how much monthly money is she wanting to give them?

Dollius01 · 31/08/2015 07:21

Yes, I think we need to know why her parents need this money. Unless they are really impoverished, I do not think it is right for them to be taking money that should be spent on/saved for your children and your own retirements. Life in the UK is expensive enough and it is going to be nightmarish for our generation when we get to retirement age. State pension is dwindling and care home costs are rising at exponential rate. Frankly, our generation is going to have it a lot harder than our parents (DISCLAIMER, this is clearly a generalisation and not the case for everyone).