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Relationships

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Feeling depressed, he's treating me like he hates me

73 replies

Goncol · 30/08/2015 06:12

Been together 4 years. Always had a turbulent relationship to say the least but we we supposedly getting better. This past week how ever he's being a bastard to me and I have no idea why.
It started last Saturday night. He went for a drink with his mates and I went out with mine. At midnight he called to say he was in a taxi on way home and did I want picking up. I said yeah and told him what pub we were in. To cut long story short he came in, face on ... Started ranting at me about what a dive the place was we were in and said it was obviously a pick up bar (it's a really popular, busy pub in the middle of the main drinking area of the city). He ranted on, made us leave, refused takeaway like we'd planned and carried on ranting on the way home. Totally ruined my night.
He apologised the day after but still maintained it wasn't really his fault as the pub had wound him up!!!???

Later in the week ... I'm sat looking at photos of me and a friend and he snaps "what do you keep staring at her for?? Do you fancy her or something??" Confused

Next day we went to cinema to see a horror film. When we left the cinema I joked "that's who is haunting our house!" (I've seen a few weird happenings in our house but I was clearly joking on this occasion). Anyway he blew up, started ranting at me about how he was sick of my bullshit, I'm taking the piss out of the house, he's sick of it and it stops now Confused agsin he carried it on all night, right into bed time again, ruining the night.
Later in the week we're sat watching tv and something about lookalikes came on. I giggled and recalled the time my youngest son had casually suggested that my mum looked like the guy from SAW. dP used to find this funny too but on this occasion - turns out it's now no longer funny and he snapped that it was about time I grew up Sad
Friday night we're watching a movie and in one scene the couple of the house hire a maid/cleaner. I joke to DP "obviously an affair will happen between the bloke and the Young maid ..."
Well he flipped again, said I was out of order and that if I think that, he may as well assume that I'm having an affair with male colleagues at work. This isn't the first time he's suggested that I am likely to mess around at work and I told him that me joking about a film and him turning into a real life dig at my work was not nice. No apology, nothing in fact, he maintained that I was the unreasonable one.
Last one for this week, last night he insisted on doing a BBQ. I stayed outside with him, tried engaging with him, offered to help etc and afterwards he said he was going to knock bbq's on the head as it just results in him running around after everyone like a "fucking idiot". It was his idea!!! I don't particukarly like bbqs but he insists almost weekly on them yet now it's my fault???

So last night we ended up going to bed not talking ... Why? Because he said he'd doenloaded a movie for us. I'm sat in the living room waiting for him to come off the computer (where he was supposedly sorting this movie out) only to hear him playing on battlefield, knowing full well I was waiting for him. I didn't say anything, I left it until 9pm snd then went in and asked how the film was coming on, he said he was trying to get it to work. I calmly said "we could always just watch TV?" ... Well apparently it turns out that me saying that is me putting pressure on him (!!!) and slagging him off.
I'm absolutely sick to death of him to be honest, I almost feel a bit bullied. Everything I say he sighs, snaps, turns it into an argument. This past week has been horrendous.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/08/2015 18:33

You would be a fool to stay with this man

Stop looking at the small things and look at the big picture. He's an inadequate little loser who needs to put you down to feel better about himself.

category12 · 30/08/2015 18:51

Wouldn't it be nicer for the kids on Xmas day without him? They don't really like him. You could do a late or early Xmas dinner.

Why couldn't you go to festivals? Single people do. If those friends are 'his', you can make new ones.

Your losses here are minor (and I can't see why they need to go if he goes, but going along with the premise) - weigh it up against being with someone who treats you like dirt. The answer, when you're unhappy is not more of the same, lots more, let's continue on course to get married Shock

MudCity · 30/08/2015 18:58

If he isn't even communicating with you then there is no need to feel guilty about cancelling your wedding. It's the only sensible option. You can't continue to plan a wedding with someone who hasn't got a nice word to say about you.

It is a pain about the practicalities...mutual friends, Christmas etc. However, you will make new friends and maybe you could have a word with your new boss now about working Christmas Day. Not ideal I know when you are starting a new job but if there really is nowhere for your children to go for the day then you can explain that to your manager (the sooner the better).

There will always be reasons not to leave a relationship whether it be this Christmas, next Christmas or the one after that. There may be friendships that change or come to an end, places you don't go any more. However, you will replace all these things with something different and substantially better in time. And you will have peace of mind which is priceless.

Take care.

Lweji · 30/08/2015 19:33

Christmas can be sorted. I'm sure you could find a baby sitter, or someone who doesn't do Christmas.
Also, Christmas is still a long way away.
You will always have excuses to stay, and the longer you put it off the greater the risk you will take of finding yourself marrying this man for all the wrong reasons.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/08/2015 19:45

Your excuses that you are coming up with are pathetic (sorry)
Not trying to be cruel but you are honestly just chucking silly little objections in the way. This is the rest of your life (or a long time and a lot of money and heartache) and you need to woman up and end it now if you are planning to end it. Waiting 3 months is cruel to everyone and you will just come up with more silly excuses once Christmas is done.

DistanceCall · 30/08/2015 20:29

Christmas. Festivals.

Please tell me you're not serious.

pocketsaviour · 30/08/2015 20:30

You're coming up with trivial excuses because the reality of ending a relationship is a hard thing to contemplate.

If the only good reason to stay is "but who else will I go to a music festival with in 11 months time" then you know your relationship is dead, right?

I remember this stage well. My own mainly focused around practical things. Who would fix my computer if it went wrong? Who would put flat pack furniture together for me? What if I couldn't get the lid off a jar of jam?

I eventually realized the answers were: a computer technician; me, or a handyman if it's a really big job; I'll just use rubber gloves and run the lid under hot water for a few seconds.

You're putting obstacles and delays in your path because it's a scary prospect. That's okay, but recognize that that's what you're doing. You may not quite be ready to go yet. You'll get there.

horsewalksintoabar · 30/08/2015 21:12

Buh-bye sociopath boyfriend. That's all you've gotta say and do. What are you waiting for?

Robotgirl · 30/08/2015 21:41

Sounds like he's either projecting &/or really jealous of your life. And well insecure. And fucking miserable.
Don't marry him. It'll get harder if you do.

Norest · 30/08/2015 21:56

He sounds as though he is threatened by you and jealous of you to boot. Not exactly the sort of supportive and loving person you would want to marry huh?

As far as rent goes I think some rental agencies do find it a stumbling block if you are in a new job, however if you have anyone who can be a guarantor this will help. (I am currently in the process of moving and in a brand new job and they wanted a guarantor).

Nothavingfunrightnow · 30/08/2015 22:40

OP, the relief you will feel once you are shot of this man will be overwhelming. It is 60 days since my STBXH left. Fortunately for me he made it easy for me by assaulting me then leaving once I rang the police.

Every day I feel relief. Sheer, blissful relief that he is no longer in my home.

You will get a home sorted for you and your children. I fully appreciate your concerns re Xmas, festivals, etc... but the blissful relief far outweighs any miserable fucking xmas worrying whether you have done enough to make him satisfied or not.

One xmas, I had a friend who was recently single and had nowhere to go for the day. STBXH said I could not invite him for xmas lunch because it was a fàmily day. What a fuckwit. Never again will I leave someone alone on Xmas day!

NEVER!

I have no idea what I am doing this Xmas and I am sure there will be squabbles over who has DS but what i do know is that I no longer have to concern myself with him.

Get shot of the fucker, OP. LTB. You can PM me if you want to talk more. Xxx

Free at last, I am! Woohoo! :)

Goncol · 31/08/2015 07:44

I have enquired about the lovely house I saw. I know my excuses are ridiculous, I'm just scared. I'm not scared of being alone ... I always enjoyed being single, I'm just scared of making that huge life changing move but if I'm not happy with this life, what can I do other than change it?

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/08/2015 07:57

Good luck for the house. :)

Your resistance to getting out is, sadly, normal.
I do hope you have the strength to do it an focus on the main goal and just tackle the minor difficulties as they come about. It probably won't be as difficult as you can imagine it

Olddear · 31/08/2015 08:22

Get off MN! You have a wedding to cancel!!! He's a nightmare! Forget Xmas day, festivals, think of spending the rest of of your life with this man.....THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Let him say what he wants about how he knew you would leave blah blah, who cares? Get out ASAP

bittapitta · 31/08/2015 08:39

He is another child, an aggressive teenager abusing you. After even one of those incidents I would have left. You have put up for too long. And what are your sins learning from this!! Please leave for their sake, actions speak louder than words and they see you staying as tacitly stating it's OK for men to treat women like this. That makes me sad.

bittapitta · 31/08/2015 08:40

*sons (typo)

DoreenLethal · 31/08/2015 08:45

I'm just scared of making that huge life changing move

You should be more scared of the life changing move of marrying this asshat.

Lilifer · 31/08/2015 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 31/08/2015 14:54

Wrong thread?

Lilifer · 31/08/2015 14:54

oops wrong thread, please disregard above post!!!

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 31/08/2015 14:59

Hi Lilifer, we have withdrawn that post for you.

Lilifer · 31/08/2015 17:06

Thanks MNHQ

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/08/2015 17:18

I'm just scared of making that huge life changing move

Which one? The one where you leave the twat, or the one where you marry him and bind yourself even closer to him... This is one of those situations where doing nothing is life-changing. So make a positive change instead of a negative one.

pocket that was a really wise thread up-post, thanks, it helped me think through a few things wrt a friend's situation.

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