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Feeling depressed, he's treating me like he hates me

73 replies

Goncol · 30/08/2015 06:12

Been together 4 years. Always had a turbulent relationship to say the least but we we supposedly getting better. This past week how ever he's being a bastard to me and I have no idea why.
It started last Saturday night. He went for a drink with his mates and I went out with mine. At midnight he called to say he was in a taxi on way home and did I want picking up. I said yeah and told him what pub we were in. To cut long story short he came in, face on ... Started ranting at me about what a dive the place was we were in and said it was obviously a pick up bar (it's a really popular, busy pub in the middle of the main drinking area of the city). He ranted on, made us leave, refused takeaway like we'd planned and carried on ranting on the way home. Totally ruined my night.
He apologised the day after but still maintained it wasn't really his fault as the pub had wound him up!!!???

Later in the week ... I'm sat looking at photos of me and a friend and he snaps "what do you keep staring at her for?? Do you fancy her or something??" Confused

Next day we went to cinema to see a horror film. When we left the cinema I joked "that's who is haunting our house!" (I've seen a few weird happenings in our house but I was clearly joking on this occasion). Anyway he blew up, started ranting at me about how he was sick of my bullshit, I'm taking the piss out of the house, he's sick of it and it stops now Confused agsin he carried it on all night, right into bed time again, ruining the night.
Later in the week we're sat watching tv and something about lookalikes came on. I giggled and recalled the time my youngest son had casually suggested that my mum looked like the guy from SAW. dP used to find this funny too but on this occasion - turns out it's now no longer funny and he snapped that it was about time I grew up Sad
Friday night we're watching a movie and in one scene the couple of the house hire a maid/cleaner. I joke to DP "obviously an affair will happen between the bloke and the Young maid ..."
Well he flipped again, said I was out of order and that if I think that, he may as well assume that I'm having an affair with male colleagues at work. This isn't the first time he's suggested that I am likely to mess around at work and I told him that me joking about a film and him turning into a real life dig at my work was not nice. No apology, nothing in fact, he maintained that I was the unreasonable one.
Last one for this week, last night he insisted on doing a BBQ. I stayed outside with him, tried engaging with him, offered to help etc and afterwards he said he was going to knock bbq's on the head as it just results in him running around after everyone like a "fucking idiot". It was his idea!!! I don't particukarly like bbqs but he insists almost weekly on them yet now it's my fault???

So last night we ended up going to bed not talking ... Why? Because he said he'd doenloaded a movie for us. I'm sat in the living room waiting for him to come off the computer (where he was supposedly sorting this movie out) only to hear him playing on battlefield, knowing full well I was waiting for him. I didn't say anything, I left it until 9pm snd then went in and asked how the film was coming on, he said he was trying to get it to work. I calmly said "we could always just watch TV?" ... Well apparently it turns out that me saying that is me putting pressure on him (!!!) and slagging him off.
I'm absolutely sick to death of him to be honest, I almost feel a bit bullied. Everything I say he sighs, snaps, turns it into an argument. This past week has been horrendous.

OP posts:
Goncol · 30/08/2015 08:24

It's his house. I can't leave yet as I have no income - I'm on 0 hour contract to tide me by until I start my new job so no landlord would look at me yet.

See another example is that he wants to go away for a night in October. I have requested the two days off work but whether the manager gives me them or not is a different matter. Ever since he's laid the guilt trip on me saying I don't care about his birthday and that I'm not trying etc - for fucks sake it's a new job! I can hardly tell manager "soz but I'm taking them days off no matter what you say!". Is he trying to get me sacked or what.

I feel under constant pressure - like nothing I do is ever good enough and anything that doesn't go right is my fault.

Realistically I don't think a landlord would look at me until I've been working 6 months plus anyway. I could always just call off the wedding now and then bugger off completely in 6 months time. People will expect it once the wedding is off.

I have two teens. Neither are over struck on DP but eldest has said a number of times that he doesn't want us to leave - but I think that's more down to the fact that he likes the money and the house. Typical teenage way of looking at things.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2015 08:42

Re your comment:-
"Realistically I don't think a landlord would look at me until I've been working 6 months plus anyway. I could always just call off the wedding now and then bugger off completely in 6 months time. People will expect it once the wedding is off".

I would find out for certain rather than make suppositions. Also speak to Shelter.

Whose idea was it for you all to move into his house?. His mainly?.

His behaviour regarding his birthday in October is par for the course with such unreasonable and emotionally abusive men. Such men also at heart hate women, all of them. Its always the woman's fault you see, never his.

I would call off the wedding now and leave asap rather than in six months time. You and he need to be apart as of right now. It will just give him another 6 months to belittle and degrade you otherwise.

Even though some teens do think of tangible benefits to them in terms of house/money etc, the very fact that neither of them are over struck on him (not surprisingly) trumps that completely. They do not get to make the decisions ultimately on your relationship either. This man is a terrible influence on them because they see you as their mum get completely belittled by him. They hear and see far more than you perhaps care to realise as well.

Lweji · 30/08/2015 08:45

I'd ask for advice from cab and the council.

What do you think will happen if you call off the wedding now?
Would he kick you out?

Goncol · 30/08/2015 08:51

I was very stupid and naive initially, I agreed to move into the house and pay towards the mortgage under the assumption that we'd get married and live happily ever after. Lesson well and truly learned.

My eldest son is almost 17 so to be honest as harsh as it sounds, he'd just have to get over it. He's an independent lad with a good work ethic, I'm sure it won't take him long to get over it. Plus we'd be moving into a nice house (its not like I'd have to go and find a hovel somewhere, I can afford somewhere decent) and plus it would be right near his college.

Youngest would be over the moon to get it back to just us again even if we did go and live in a hovel lol

If I called off the wedding now he'd just whinge and complain that I was messing his family around, who to be fair have spent money on booking hotels etc but he wouldn't kick me out.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2015 09:03

Lesson well and truly learnt indeed re your first paragraph.

Re your comment:-
"If I called off the wedding now he'd just whinge and complain that I was messing his family around, who to be fair have spent money on booking hotels etc but he wouldn't kick me out"

His family are irrelevant in all this (they do not have to live with him day to day) and they could likely get the money back. People do call weddings off, its not that unusual really. You have excellent reasons to call this whole thing off.

I would not count on him not kicking you out particularly once the wedding has been called off. He also is within his rights to tell you all to leave if it is his house. I think he will further ramp up the power and control ante instead and make your lives within his home completely unbearable. Would you want to stay there in any case, the relationship is really well and truly over now and has been really for some considerable time.

category12 · 30/08/2015 09:11

Get the facts, don't assume you won't be able to find a rental. You have a job. People move places to take up new jobs all the time, so landlords must take them on - I'm not sure where you're getting the six months thing from?

Move out, move out, make your younger dc happy and be free of this hideous bloke. Sooner rather than later. Gives people time to cancel their plans and get their money back. Who gives a fuck what his family will say - oh no, because you might cause them a bit of inconvenience you should go through with marrying a miserable bastard bully?! Crazy.

Lemonfizzypop · 30/08/2015 09:12

God he sounds exhausting, you need to leave.

With regards to moving out- even though landlords/agencies ask how long you've been in your job I've never actually been asked for proof! I've never even been asked for a payslip. But if things have changed since I last moved then perhaps you could offer a few months rent up front? I dunno, there must be options though.

Lweji · 30/08/2015 09:14

BTW, if you have been contributing towards the mortgage and you have evidence, you can get a percentage of its value. You should check this out.

If he can't kick you out, then why not split now and live separate lives until you get your job in a few weeks. Do you think he'd be violent?

Scarydinosaurs · 30/08/2015 09:40

Ok, can you bring your start date forward for your new job?
Call landlord and see if he'll take you with a guarantor (do you have anyone who can help out?)
Don't say anything to him until you have your exit plan.
Start selling things- jewellery, electronics- anything of yours that you can. Open a separate account and put it in there.

You marry him, and you are saying to yourself, I can be miserable and make my children miserable, for the rest of my life. Run- run fast and run far!

Rebecca2014 · 30/08/2015 09:45

Been together 4 years. Always had a turbulent relationship to say the least but we we supposedly getting better.
*

It sounds like you been flogging an dead horse for a long time. I was in a volatile relationship for over 4 years, I even stupidly married him! these relationships never work out. In the end, the passion fizzles out and all that is left is coldness and resentment.

He will not magically get better once you marry, he will most likely get worse. This is him, this is your life. You have a career mapped out, you are finically secure on your own. You have no reason to stay with this man and you are wasting precious years of your life.

Clutterbugsmum · 30/08/2015 09:45

It will be cheaper to cancel the wedding then divorce.

I suspect he acting like this because he knows once you start earning your own money that you will start to see him for what he is.

Why did his last (I take it it's just one divorce) marriage end.

BifsWif · 30/08/2015 09:46

Please leave.

You're starting a wonderful new job, this could be a complete new start for you and leaving this horrible bastard means you're free to meet someone who won't bully you or make you feel shit.

If you stay with this man, then this is your life forever. Is that what you want?

MorrisZapp · 30/08/2015 09:52

Your 'wedding' is months away. Very simple to cancel. Nobody who loves or respects you will feel anything other than sympathy and admiration for you calling off. I bet thousands of married people wish they'd had the courage to do the same.

Staying with this annoying twat because you've put a deposit down on a wedding is the worst move you could make in your life. He doesn't love you, or like you. His actions demonstrate this very clearly.

You know what you have to do. Think of the great new life awaiting you and your teens without this tosser bringing you all down.

MorrisZapp · 30/08/2015 09:55

'I'm so glad Sarah spent twenty years in a shit marriage. Imagine how awful it would have been for me to lose my train fare to Dundee and have nowhere to wear that Coast dress'

Said no wedding guest ever.

sherazade · 30/08/2015 09:59

Sounds like he has very low self esteem and hates himself more than he hates you.

YouBastardSockBalls · 30/08/2015 10:24

'I'm so glad Sarah spent twenty years in a shit marriage. Imagine how awful it would have been for me to lose my train fare to Dundee and have nowhere to wear that Coast dress'

Said no wedding guest ever.

Grin
Twinklestein · 30/08/2015 10:32

If this is the relationship 'getting better' what can it have been like before?

I would be much more worried about a future with this man than without him.

OutToGetYou · 30/08/2015 12:46

Most landlords are happy if you can pay a few months rent upfront if you don't have job history. They may write to your employer but usually only to check it's a perm job that actually exists.

expectantmum79 · 30/08/2015 12:59

I've just come out of a similar relationship. I was paying the mortgage for a house that was in his name. I left two months ago and am just starting to get back on my feet. He likes you vulnerable by the sound of things, he is controlling and is playing mind games. My ex did all the stuff your dp has done but it gradually got worse until it started to become physical. He wore me down with the name calling and awful stuff until I questioned myself, he sounds very much like your dp with the jealousy etc - that's how it started.

Please get out for you and your boys - they deserve a better role model.

expectantmum79 · 30/08/2015 13:02

There are lots of empty houses available for rent since the Government lowered housing benefit and introduced the bedroom tax. Professionals can pick and choose. 0 hours shouldn't be a problem if you can show proof of earnings. Having a guarantor would also help. Let us all know how you get on.

DoreenLethal · 30/08/2015 13:08

'I'm so glad Sarah spent twenty years in a shit marriage. Imagine how awful it would have been for me to lose my train fare to Dundee and have nowhere to wear that Coast dress'

Said no wedding guest ever.

Precisely.

Don't fall for the 'I always said she would leave when blah de blah'. The only response to this is 'should have done it years ago'.

FantasticButtocks · 30/08/2015 16:56

Don't fall for the 'I always said she would leave when blah de blah'. The only response to this is 'should have done it years ago'.

OR...
'And you were right! How fucking marvellous it must feel to be right!

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2015 17:09

Oh god I really shuddered when I saw you were supposed to be marrying him. I'd sooner throw myself off a bridge than marry that man. It sounds so incredibly depressing - how can you put up with it?

I don't think anyone would tell you to stay with him. I'd get out as quickly as I could and thank my lucky stars I hadn't married him.

pocketsaviour · 30/08/2015 17:22

I moved into a new rented house a week after starting a new job, so don't assume nobody will touch you - ring round and ask.

I was also doing it on the back of relationship breakdown. If anything I'd say it helped to have a new job to focus on so I could forget all the shite going on at home while I was at work.

Check gumtree particularly as more private landlords advertise on there and can often be more flexible than agencies.

Goncol · 30/08/2015 18:24

Thanks for the replies, I have been out but have caught up. I'm split on what to do - biggest part of me just wants to leave now but it's the silly little things putting doubts there. For example there is a chance I might have to work Christmas day - if I'd moved my kids would be on their own (no family they could go to).
There are a few other things like that, mutual friends we go festival with every year - I couldn't go on my own so that part of my life (and the friendships) would be over.
It's just stuff like that I'm talking my way through really, if I wait until after Christmas that only leaves 4 months till wedding and a lot more money would have been spent. He's barely spoke a word to me all day - obviously still reeling over the suggestion that we watch TV instead of a movie last night ... I mean jeez, how does he put up with me Hmm

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