When is an affair 'ok'

[Patchworkpatty]

Have just returned from a lovely village 'do' . My near neighbour was there, he is a lovely kind guy , middle aged, own home, semi retired . The 'problem' is that he was there with a lady who he is obviously romantically linked to, but he is married and the lady was not his wife. His DW had to move into a care home last year as she has Huntingdons Chorea (sp ?) and despite his Herculean efforts over the last decade he could no longer provide the care she needed. He is devoted to her still but she was diagnosed in her early 30's and has progressed to not being able to walk, talk easily or look after her personal needs hence the care home. He visits daily although she doesn't seem to know him sometimes. (I don't actually know the exact extent of the situation but I do know he hung on to avoiding care until it was impossible) so my question is , 'when does death us do part' become null and void. ? For me, I was thrilled for him to have a 'normal' loving relationship, but there were others there 'tutting' in the background and even one person being quite vocal in their disgust ! So maybe I have got this wrong. Are situations like this the exception to the rule ? He has been her carer for about 22 yrs. no DC's .

"When is an affair 'ok' " - when I read your title my automatic response was 'never'. But then I read your OP .

His wife has Huntingtons Disease. Have any of the pearl-clutchers any idea of what that actually involves? To be blunt, your neighbour will have watched the slow death of the personality of the woman he loved, and her body taken over by a different personality. I expect he has been grieving her loss for years.

As soon as she was diagnosed, they would have known what they were dealing with - it's progression was inevitable. There is no cure, just slow deterioration. I cannot imagine that he and his wife did not discuss the future. Well, his future - there was no doubt what hers would be.

In his wife's place, I think I would have hoped that my beloved husband would find happiness before my body died - I would be long gone before then.

RedYellaGreen

I'm very sorry about your condition. I wish I could be as truly noble and loving if I was in your position.

Redandblack

Thanks. I hadn't even considered this decision in my future, but I now see its yet another obstacle to throw into the melting pot of my future.

I believe in complete honesty and so will simply have to make it clear - to my DC also - that I would wish for a proper break rather than the appearance of an affair. Even a so called "acceptable" affair.

My DC are only very young though, so I won't start explaining that one just yet! But if they were to see their Dad with another woman, doing it clean is best all the way round.

I do think this is something everyone needs to talk about NOW with their spouse/partner as well as their nearest and dearest.

Nobody expects to have an accident/disease that would take away their mental capacity but we've wanted to make damn sure each other is supported as people, rather than as the role of, in the event something does happen.

Seeing my FIL gradually robbed of who he was when he eventually died of dementia really did open our eyes. DH isn't a very open person so no real close friendships, another relationship would be his only hope.

...oh and when we update our wills we'll be adding letters to it.

OP You have only come back once since you threw this hand grenade into MN and I wonder if this is a genuine post- or you are someone who was bored on a wet sunday and just wanted to ask for other reasons? It seems a bit odd that you posted a very contentious post here , with a provocative title, then disappeared. Especially when you yourself say you are fine about it.

I think it's fine so long as the wife isn't hurt, in this instance.