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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being precious? Really not sure if I am asking too much or not.

87 replies

whostheJohnsonnow · 29/08/2015 22:13

Just that really. I would appreciate some opinions.

I've officially been with my DP for 9 months now. In all that time he has never once taken me out on a proper date. When I say proper I mean a date where he has arranged it, and decided where we go etc. Yes we have been on nights out, but I have ALWAYS been the one to suggest the venue, and basically implement the whole thing.

I've mentioned several times (meaning about a million times!) that I would love him to arrange to take me out...just once! It just never happens. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight, but even at midnight last night had no idea where he was taking me, saying that he would "look for something"

Am I being a spoilt princess just to want him to take the initiative? I just feel a bit rubbish about it all. Even this morning he was asking if I wanted to "do something" tonight, but no mention of what that thing might actually be. It's really starting to become an issue, and I'm not even sure if I have any right to let it be one?

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 30/08/2015 14:16

I'd be more put off by the job thing.

With him out of your life you'd be a lot happier.

wallywobbles · 30/08/2015 15:10

God really do you want be shackled to him anyway. He sounds like an utter lead-weight. How can you respect him? And how can you be with someone that you cannot honestly say you respect (please tell me you don't). Even if he is a total stud-muffin he's not worth it.

trackrBird · 30/08/2015 15:38

Twinklestein asked the question that was going through my mind. Your answer is saddening, and I wonder if it goes even further back than that.

It sounds as if you're not really used to people caring - otherwise you wouldn't ask if you're being a spoilt princess, in expecting reasonable efforts from the man you're dating. :(

Your self esteem needs building up, so that you start expecting more from people - equal treatment, for a start. And if you don't get it, you don't feel you have to work for it or deserve it - you move on.

Imagine you're helping a good friend. What would you tell her if she was in this relationship? How might you help her think more of herself?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2015 15:46

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?

So you "love" him?. I think you have no idea what love actually is because no-one's ever bothered to show you what that is. Its certainly not with this man.

You seem to be co-dependent when it comes to relationships and act as such; its of no surprise to me either that you are in a caring profession. You've put others above yourself really your entire life and you're putting this person before your needs and wants now.

If you have never done Womens Aid Freedom Programme I would suggest you do so and asap to boot. You are simply repeating all the damaging crap you have learnt along the way; you are still a magnet for low lifes and this man is the latest in a series of low lifes. You have simply swapped one type of abuser for yet another, albeit different, type of opportunistic chancer.

Love your own self for a change. You and he should no longer be together.

pocketsaviour · 30/08/2015 17:59

Do you know why he got sacked/"let go", out of interest? I'm willing to bet it was turning in late, not turning up, being late back from breaks, or something similar.

That would be a bigger issue for me than the organisation thing, but then I like to be in the driving seat most of the time, iykwim.

Does he smoke weed?

thehypocritesoaf · 30/08/2015 21:48

The job thing is bad. Very bad.

Unless he really is 14 and it clashed with revision for his gcses?

magiccatlitter · 31/08/2015 00:51

He does sounds like a lodger. How much has he actually worked since you've know him?

Attila is spot on with getting yourself sorted before getting involved. When you treat yourself and see that you are deserving of good, you'll attract those who can actually give it to you.

I know this all too well. Spent many years with a grade 10 loser and then went to a grade 7 loser thinking I had won a prize because he didn't hit or scream at me.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 31/08/2015 01:37

Well I've just asked him to have the decency to be honest with me, and told me that he " doesn't want a job right now" It's just too much for him apparently. He wanted one for the first week after he got sacked, but then it became "too much"

I am so distraught I'm actually laughing about it. Yes he has issues, depression etc, but do you know what? So do I, and I hold down TWO fucking jobs.

So there you go. The person I have supported, helped, spent a small fortune on cannot even return the favour by wanting to get a job. He'd rather lose me. I'm not asking him to become a CEO ffs. He could flip burgers for 20 hours a week, and I would still appreciate the effort.

Oh and he lost the job cos his manager said he looked half asleep on shift. He was supporting people with LD. Also. He used to smoke weed, but hardly does anymore.

I feel like I must be the most worthless woman on earth. My boyfriend would rather not be with me than GET A JOB!!!

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 31/08/2015 02:14

And you need to get a life without losers and abusers in it, honey.

This lazy git isn't worth any further investment of your hard earned cash and you're best advised to do the Freedom Programme before you give any consideration to going out on the pull finding a replacement www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 31/08/2015 02:21

Thank you goddess. I will look at FP now.

I honestly don't think he is a loser though. He's just young, and a bit lost.

On the other hand he has me, who adores him and would rather lose me than work. I sound just like his mum apparently, and I'm also taking it personally and making it all about me.

I'm sitting in the kitchen because I can't face being in the bedroom with him. I have to be at work for 8am. He doesn't though...that goes without saying.

OP posts:
Lightbulbon · 31/08/2015 02:41

He sounds far too immature for a relationship.

He's a pet not a DP.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/08/2015 03:22

You know, I have no problem with 'house husbands'. If your bf was 'keeping the home fires burning' whilst you were at work, I'd say he was keeping his end of the 'bargain' up. If you came home to a clean house and a hot cooked dinner, if he did the shopping, the cleaning, everything that a stay at home wife does, I'd say he might be worth 'keeping'. But he isn't. He isn't really contributing anything to your life, is he?

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn in life was that 'sometimes love just ain't enough'. And that it's better to be alone in peace than miserable with someone you 'love'. You can love someone to distraction, but that doesn't mean that they are right or healthy for you. Or that they are a positive contribution to your life. It took me about 18 months of counseling to realize that. And to learn, not only to recognize what a 'good man' is, but that I deserve a good man! And I found one and we've been married almost 30 years now.

You need to drop him like a dead weight. Yes, you will be 'lonely' for a bit, you will miss him. But you will also experience a sense of freedom, a sense of (for lack of a better word) 'lightness' in your life. That part of you that's weighed down with resentment, with worry wondering if he'll ever shape up? It will be empty and ready to be filled with happiness and peace.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 31/08/2015 03:31

I've already told him it's over AcrossthePond55. Even my self esteem isn't so low to stay with a man who doesn't want even a part time job/to volunteer/go back into Education.

He says I'm making it all about me when it's not. He is such a sweet, loving person and I feel like a total bitch for not being able to see past this. :(

I'm always lonely; that's the problem. I am sick and tired of being lonely. Ironically I though he was different, but clearly not.

I just feel so utterly alone and worthless right now.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 31/08/2015 04:49

It's always sad to finish a relationship but you might be mourning more what you wish you had than what you did have.

And you know what, it should be "about you". What you want is important.

Try the FP, Flowers for you

AcrossthePond55 · 31/08/2015 04:57

You are NOT worthless. Far from it! You are level headed and self supporting. You care about him, even though you know he isn't right for you.

I'd suggest you look into counseling. It's pretty amazing what the right counselor can help you understand about why you do things and how to change the things you no longer want to do.

Again, he may be a sweet, loving person, but that doesn't mean that he's right for you. Or that you're a 'bitch' for not overlooking his negative qualities. You're not a bitch. You are a person whose needs are not being met in your current relationship. You deserve to have your needs met, too.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 31/08/2015 05:48

When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!

ARV1981 · 31/08/2015 06:18

Hi op, you've been really brave and strong to end the relationship.

I haven't done the Freedom Programme, but it seems to be widely regarded as brilliant on here (I didn't know about it before joining mn) so I suggest you give it a go. I understand that it will help "reset" you from being vulnerable and attractive/attracted to loser men to being able to identify such men instead. So that you can f

ARV1981 · 31/08/2015 06:22

Sorry posted too soon!

So that you can find someone decent, who treats you the way you deserve (with love and respect and as an bbc equal).

It doesn't sound like your ex was ready for a relationship with anyone so don't beat yourself up because it didn't work out. You did your best, but if he can't be arsed to get a job even then he's not worth the effort.

Good luck with everything and please spend some time being you and getting back to you.

You sound lovely, and can and will meet someone equally lovely.

ARV1981 · 31/08/2015 06:23

Random bbc in there. Sorry. I'm 38 weeks pg and my fingers have swelled!!! Blush

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 31/08/2015 06:37

I will reply to everyone's lovely messages later, but just need to get this off my chest.

Snooped in his phone (first time ever, but still really wrong I know) Found messages from this weekend that he'd been exchanging with a girl I had never heard him mention. All flirty and written in this really lengthy style that he never uses with me. I wouldn't have even recognised them as his!

Grilled him on who it was, and he finally told me it's one of his best friends girlfriends.

I NEVER thought he was that sort of person. I am numb with horror. That's what you get for snooping I suppose. He's swore blind so many times that he doesn't message/ flirt with other girls. I've always believed him.

I'm an idiot. He's played me like a tuba. :(

OP posts:
ByTheNine · 31/08/2015 06:50

He's given you a gift there - now you can ditch him without feeling sorry for him. He's tricked you into thinking he might be helpless but at least he's a nice person, but as it turns out he's a bit of a shit who's not worth a further second of your precious time. Chin up, lovely, and get him gone.

Egghead68 · 31/08/2015 06:52

Bin him properly and don't have any more contact with him (not even looking at his Facebook page).

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 06:52

You're not being precious at all.

But you say "I love him very much" so please don't be convinced that he's useless and you should bin him by people here. If you feel that way then you can't give up without at least giving him a chance. I know you've asked a lot. I have only loved one person in my life and I think it's rare to feel that way. My husband isn't perfect but he loves me. Just think carefully before you make any decisions.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 06:53

Oh dear.. Should have read the thread, sorry op. I hope you aren't heart broken :(

Youarentkiddingme · 31/08/2015 06:59

Don't be confused into thinking you love him because you love being the carer of a relationship and he allows you to do that.