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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I being precious? Really not sure if I am asking too much or not.

87 replies

whostheJohnsonnow · 29/08/2015 22:13

Just that really. I would appreciate some opinions.

I've officially been with my DP for 9 months now. In all that time he has never once taken me out on a proper date. When I say proper I mean a date where he has arranged it, and decided where we go etc. Yes we have been on nights out, but I have ALWAYS been the one to suggest the venue, and basically implement the whole thing.

I've mentioned several times (meaning about a million times!) that I would love him to arrange to take me out...just once! It just never happens. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight, but even at midnight last night had no idea where he was taking me, saying that he would "look for something"

Am I being a spoilt princess just to want him to take the initiative? I just feel a bit rubbish about it all. Even this morning he was asking if I wanted to "do something" tonight, but no mention of what that thing might actually be. It's really starting to become an issue, and I'm not even sure if I have any right to let it be one?

OP posts:

giggly · 29/08/2015 23:11

Twinkle that's my 25 year marriage as well, thoroughly depressing

Bifflepants · 29/08/2015 23:17

This is my relationship of 21 years .... and it's fine. I like organising things anyway.

Bifflepants · 29/08/2015 23:19

This is my relationship of 21 years .... and it's fine. I like organising things anyway.

Bifflepants · 29/08/2015 23:19

This is my relationship of 21 years .... and it's fine. I like organising things anyway.

Original poster

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/08/2015 10:59

I might get that stitched onto a cushion as well Goddess. Hopefully I will get a taker if I leave it prominently displayed.

Yesterday evening I ended up going to see my horses instead. He did come round later with some presents for me. So that was nice...perhaps? He only really bought them as I had an argument with him last week about how he never gets me anything. I don't think I'd have gotten them otherwise. Maybe that's me expecting too much again though?

For the record...I've bought him loads of things while we've been together. So I'm definitely not expecting to receive without giving.

OP posts:

PeppasNanna · 30/08/2015 11:25

Know your worth...

listen to your dp. He's telling you loudly & clearly who he is & how he is.listen to him.

Best of luck. You know what you need to do.

Branleuse · 30/08/2015 11:29

i dont think either of you are unreasonable tbh.

Its up to you to decide whether youre ok with being the organiser of things. It doesnt sound like you are. Do you think hes a bit wet, or is he just easy going and happy enough to do the things that make you happy?

category12 · 30/08/2015 11:33

The cv writing and false reference, then he lost the job after a month?!

Branleuse · 30/08/2015 11:33

in my relationship if i want to do anything exciting or different or book a holiday etc, its me who does it. DP has done it once, and that was lovely, but hes no bargain hunter. He spent a fucking fortune on one weekend that time. I could have got the whole family 3 weeks for that.

Hes just not that bothered, but will do things i want to do, which is actually ok by me. It occasionally irritates me, but he isnt my twin. We arent the same person, and he looks after me in other ways.

If you go to ANY relationship and look for dealbreakers, then youll find millions. Everyone has flaws

WickedWax · 30/08/2015 11:39

Gifts that are bought and given after a huge row - practically under duress - ah the stuff dreams are made of.

Welcome to the rest of your life if you stay with this man.

Organising dates, nights out, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, marriage, children, jobs, holidays, finances, and all the minutiae of day to day life will fall to you.

Fine, if you like that kind of thing and you're OK with it, but it doesn't sound like you are.

Jux · 30/08/2015 11:43

Sounds like he's a limp biscuit, content to trail around anywhere so long as he doesn't have to do much to make anything happen. You want someone a bit more dynamic, don't you?

He doesn't buy you things because it doesn't occur to him to do so. More initiative needed.

VenusInFauxFurs · 30/08/2015 11:52

Tbh, this wouldn't sit right with me.

I don't think men should be expected to arrange all dates but I would expect it to be roughly 50/50.

Arranging dates especially during the first few months of a relationship seems really important. Its how you demonstrate what sorts of things you're interested in and engage the other person in those interests. I'd expect both parties to say stuff like "There's a restaurant I love/always wanted to go to" or "there's this concert/comedy gig/art exhibition/whatever I want to see. Do you fancy it?" If he's not done that ONCE in 9 months, I would find that a bit weird.

Does he like going out? Does he have any interests?

Although, the work thing sounds a bit worrying so I think that him not arranging dates might not be your only issue here.

thehypocritesoaf · 30/08/2015 12:12

Does he contribute financially or not? This would be key for me with someone this wishy washy.

ARV1981 · 30/08/2015 12:31

Does he not go out much because he doesn't have much disposable income? (I'm assuming he isn't currently working, and if he does it's low paid as it's harder to falsify a reference for a highly paid job - correct me if I'm wrong)

Do you pay 50/50 or is it down to you to pick up the tab? ("Because you picked this place")

I would have a problem with being with a man that didn't arrange things to do - and if money's a problem then I'd expect him to think outside the box and suggest something free or inexpensive (like a trip to the local free-to-enter museum/art gallery or picnic in the park, a walk at the local nature reserve etc). Those things can be fun! Probably more fun than some expensive days out tbh.

trackrBird · 30/08/2015 12:42

I even helped him get a job a few months back (rewrote his CV; got a friend to give him a false reference) He got sacked after a month.

This is a bigger problem than the lack of initiative on dates. Inadequate CV: no references; sacked.....It's not just about someone who prefers his partner to do the social stuff.

Original poster

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/08/2015 13:19

He does have very little money. Although he did get paid twice from his job before they let him go. That's something else that is pissing me off tbh. He was always promising to treat me when he got paid to " show how much he appreciates the things I've dine for him" In reality I hardly got a thing before I practically bullied him into it.
He has paid for things, but it's definitely me who has paid the lions share. I'm no high earner myself I should add!

It's usually me who decides where we will go. I often mention things, and wait to see if he will take the hint, but it never happens. We have had some great nights out and stuff, but again...my suggestions!

Last night he was apologising for how much he's let me down. Yet this morning he didn't wake up until noon (another ongoing issue) So now I'm annoyed about that as my time is limited, and therefore rather precious. Trying to hide how pissed off I am, cos I don't want another row on my day off. Plus in his defence he does sleep really badly. He's currently on ADs to help him with that and his depression.

But I don't feel I'm BU to want my bf out of bed before midday when I've been awake a few hours. Or am I? I just don't know, and he makes me feel like I'm being really unkind to him. :(

OP posts:

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 30/08/2015 13:27

Oh dear. Run, OP, run like the wind.

BerylStreep · 30/08/2015 13:43

I have to confess I don't really understand the need to have presents bought for you.

However you do both sound very incompatible. It doesn't sound like he has much get up and go. Why are you with him?

Aqualady · 30/08/2015 13:50

I think op is waiting for the gestures to be returned. At some point when its you always doing the nice things you can get a bit pissed off if it's not reciprocated.

This will morph in to - I do all the house work and get no help or thanks or I do all the child care and get no thanks or help of my DH

OP some people are just takers where they glide through life on the backs of others.

Don't get tied down to someone who already makes you question the relastionship at this early stage. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that!

DarkNavyBlue · 30/08/2015 13:50

You love him? Seriously?

It sounds like you think he's a nice guy but a bit pathetic and lacking in gumption.

I think you've got a pretty low threshold for calling something 'love'.

Original poster

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/08/2015 13:54

I don't need to have presents bought for me strictly speaking. It would just be nice now and the. Perhaps it's not fair to judge him by my own behaviour.

I'm with him for that age old chestnut of I love him. I've known him two years, so it's been quite a while.

I have had suspicions that he may be a bit on the lazy side. I honestly thought he just needed a chance to prove himself, and I put SO much effort into helping him find a job. For him to get sacked after a month has absolutely floored me. I think I'm more upset about it than him tbh. It's like all the fears I pushed aside are now flooding our whole relationship, and it's making me so resentful.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 30/08/2015 13:55

So you're kind of paying him to be your BF.

He doesn't organise anything, he's promised you things that never happen, you pay the lion's share of activities... What does he actually contribute to your life?

He's like a teenage son trotting along in your wake, sleeping until midday.

What has happened in your past that you've set bar so low?

Twinklestein · 30/08/2015 13:57

Xpost: you found him a job, and he got sacked after a month?

And feckless to the list.

Original poster

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/08/2015 14:05

Twinklestein. What has happened? Well basically a series of emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationships. Followed by nothing but casual flings with arseholes for last 3 years until I started seeing current bf. It was just so nice to have someone sweet, who seemed to adore me, and who I could adore.

Now the honeymoon period is wearing off, and I can see how badly I've been kidding myself he's ready for a relationship. I feel so low over it all, and truly broken. Nobody ever seems to think I'm really worth the effort. It's like they love me for how I make them feel. Once I ask for a bit of effort in return it goes to shit.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/08/2015 14:06

He proved himself alright. To be lazy and irresponsible. Is this the future you want? Not one where he magically changes, but one with him as he is - lying in, content with you as the driving force, unconcerned about working for a living?

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