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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me sort my head out-jealous

41 replies

willievertrust · 28/08/2015 09:46

I met a wonderful man 6 months ago who i have fallen in love with, he treats me amazingly well and gets on with my children, we have so much fun together and life is just perfect... however due to my last relationship having major trust issues (my ex cheated on me a number of times) and my new partner revealing he cheated on his ex a high number of times i'm struggling with this information. does a leopard ever change its spots??

i'm also struggling with the fact he has a past which is ridiculous i know as i have had a past too.please dont flame me for this as i know how stupid it sounds.

he tells me i am the only person he has ever loved, he wants to marry me and have children (he has never wanted this before) his family and friends have noticed a change and how much he loves me and we are planning for our future (holidays house etc)

what the fuck is wrong with me????

OP posts:
category12 · 28/08/2015 09:53

Ooh I don't know... I think the sexual incontinence is a worry. If it was one because unhappy and therefore an exit affair, then maybe not so worrying - but multiple times? More of a lifestyle, isn't it?

Original poster
willievertrust · 28/08/2015 09:58

so its not just me then, i would be interested to hear opinions of people who have cheated, on ex's then met the person they want to be with and settled down and never cheated again? if there are any??

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 28/08/2015 10:03

They can be pussy whipped tamed for a short time but they don't change their spots and what he's telling you is no doubt what he told his ex and the ow he cheated on her with.

6 months is a ridiculously short time for you to have 'fallen in love with him'; you barely know him yet you've introduced him to your dc and are 'planning for our future'.

FGS don't get pg by this man before the ring is on your finger and the ink is dry on the marriage cert.

As for what's wrong with you, I suspect that your pride was dented by having been cheated on by your ex and emotional neediness has caused you to fall madly in lust with a man who may look and act substantially different to him, but whose modus operandi suggests that they could be twins.

pocketsaviour · 28/08/2015 10:15

Was he talking about his most recent ex? Or someone far back in his past? Did he offer any explanation and say he had changed his ways, or was it just "Yep I cheated lol" ?

If it was recent, and monogamy is obviously important for you, I would be wary.

category12 · 28/08/2015 10:18

Friends and family of my ex thought I had changed him. It's an ego trip. Our love is so powerful and so good that he was on the straight and narrow... Yeah. Ex.

Original poster
willievertrust · 28/08/2015 10:25

Thank you, not planning on children any time soon or marriage. it is quick but he really is everything i could ever want, i suppose he didnt have to tell me about his past but he did. i wish it didnt bother me. he has told me he was never like this with his ex's? am i a mug?? he never spent anytime with his ex's favouring seeing the boys and doing anything but be with them but with me he would prefer to be with me. he is showing me this through actions. i discuss my feelings with him and instead of just brushing them off he talks them through and genuinely worries that i am worried, he really works hard to make me see how much i love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
willievertrust · 28/08/2015 10:26

his most recent ex

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 28/08/2015 10:31

he never spent anytime with his ex's favouring seeing the boys and doing anything but be with them but with me he would prefer to be with me.

Yeah, currently he prefers being with you, and I'm sure that's how things started with his previous relationships. I mean you don't start dating someone, then move in with them (I'm assuming) unless you want to spend time with them, do you? Or if he did move in with his ex and then carry on with his single lifestyle, then she valued herself so lowly that she put up with it - which suggests he likes to be in relationships with vulnerable women.

I'll be honest, he doesn't sound like a good long-term bet.

Threefishys · 28/08/2015 10:56

OP he hasn't fallen in love and nor have you - sorry to be harsh but your 6 months in. It's lust. At the moment he wants to sleep with you. When that dies off a bit and a real bond and love grows...if he still only wants to sleep with you then you'll know he's changed. I agree with the vulnerable women thing. Maybe he wants to believe he can change and you're the one who'll do it but... once the shiniess wears off a little you may find he goes wandering once again.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/08/2015 11:00

Have his friends and family told you how much he's changed and how much he loves you, or has this come from him?

Original poster
willievertrust · 28/08/2015 11:04

his friends and family have told me.
Threefishys, how can you say we are not in love?? you dont know us? also who says he just wants to sleep with me? i'm sensible enough to know if that is all someone wants.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 28/08/2015 11:06

Move in with him and it won't be long before he'll find 1001 reasons why he has to go to see 'the boys' and why he has to stay over with one or other of them.

He sounds well practiced and I'll put money on him having a second phone that he keeps hidden... most probably in his car.

Threefishys · 28/08/2015 11:07

I meant to the exclusion of others presently (ie be faithful) not that's all he wants you for OP. And call it a hunch 're the fallen in love at 6 months thing - though I'm very happy to be proved wrong and hope you'll be on here in years to come giving hope to those questioning their relationships. I know that sounds sarcastic - it's not meant to be.

Mabelface · 28/08/2015 11:11

Take things one step at a time and don't rush into anything with him. He may be a serial cheat or he may just be willing to change. Just don't give all of yourself yet.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/08/2015 11:11

You're not in love, honey, you're in a state of infatuation and the concern here is that you may pay a high price for having thrown caution to the wind before putting him to the test.

Original poster
willievertrust · 28/08/2015 11:13

if the always wanting to be with the boys creeps in, i will see my cue to leave as i will know that is only the start before cheating. no he doesnt pick sex over time with the boys, as we do things he would usually do with the boys together which he could quite easily say i'm going with the lads but he takes me. didnt take it as sarcasm Threefishes as i genuinly want advice. i want someone to tell me all is not lost... if he ever cheated on me i would be out of the door. i wantr to hear a story from a prior cheater who met someone and never looked back i suppose...there has to be at least one person out there

OP posts:
spanisharmada · 28/08/2015 11:13

I disagree that you can't be in love after six months, that's a very blanket statement.
I used to cheat on partners, I was young, silly and didn't take it very seriously. They weren't the one. Until I met my most recent partner who I just didn't want to cheat on, couldn't bear the thought of it and wouldn't do it to him. So yes, I think it is possible.

Original poster
willievertrust · 28/08/2015 11:15

Thankyou Spanisharmada. i do understand though that this doesnt mean he will not cheat just that there is hope and people can change. i appreciate both sides

OP posts:
MamaMotherMummy · 28/08/2015 11:15

I am so shocked at some of the responses here!

If it were me I would keep going with the relationship full heartedly but still knowing there's a chance it could go wrong. You can't predict the future and you can't totally know what's going on with him yet. Is the chance of getting your heart broken worse than the chance of finding the man who will love you for the rest of your life? Tbh I'd take the risk.

MamaMotherMummy · 28/08/2015 11:16

Also both my partner and I have cheated on other partners and are now faithful.

spanisharmada · 28/08/2015 11:17

Oh, but he did know about my past, I shouldn't have told him in hindsight that wasn't very kind I just wanted to be honest. And that did cause problems. Interestingly I didn't tell the people that I did cheat on that I was inclined to do so, so maybe that's quite telling?

Original poster
willievertrust · 28/08/2015 11:18

Thank you Mamamothermummy i am going to continue with caution as i can see a future with him and cant imagine meeting anyone who i could love more (and i have been married), i think there are alot of extremely negative messages which is why i posted in the first place as i have always been sceptical.

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MamaMotherMummy · 28/08/2015 11:19

All the best Smile

goddessofsmallthings · 28/08/2015 11:49

How many more threads are you going to start to ensure you get the 'heads up' result you're looking for, OP?

Original poster
willievertrust · 28/08/2015 12:10

i'll start as many as i want, i'm trying to get a balance of opinions, wow you are a nasty piece of work

I have access to his phone and never have or had reason to read his messages and am driving his car today and haven't had reason to snoop.

for the record i'm continuing with my relationship and will only end it if i am given reason to doubt how he is with me.

i want opinions from people who have cheated not just people who have been cheated on and thought my thread title may get more people commenting.

OP posts: