Help me sort my head out-jealous

[willievertrust]

I met a wonderful man 6 months ago who i have fallen in love with, he treats me amazingly well and gets on with my children, we have so much fun together and life is just perfect... however due to my last relationship having major trust issues (my ex cheated on me a number of times) and my new partner revealing he cheated on his ex a high number of times i'm struggling with this information. does a leopard ever change its spots??

i'm also struggling with the fact he has a past which is ridiculous i know as i have had a past too.please dont flame me for this as i know how stupid it sounds.

he tells me i am the only person he has ever loved, he wants to marry me and have children (he has never wanted this before) his family and friends have noticed a change and how much he loves me and we are planning for our future (holidays house etc)

what the fuck is wrong with me????

Well FYI I've cheated on every single partner I've ever had (and they've all cheated on me) except the last one. Ironically, I'd told him I wasn't monogamous by nature and didn't expect a sexually-exclusive relationship, but he told me that was a deal-breaker for him, so I said I would do my best to sleep only with him. I did - but subsequently discovered he was banging other women behind my back

I'm also an ex cheater. It's thought that cheating creates dopamine pathways in the brain and is highly addictive. Like smoking / drinking / gambling ect.

Nearly all cheaters will blame their cheating on external factors , they were unhappy in their relationship , they were lonely, depressed, having financial problems or the all time favourite, it just happened. I personally don't believe that external factors cause it. I think it's a character trait. If you have ever tried to change something about yourself you'll know how hard it is. I also think it can often be an unhealthy coping strategy.

A cheater who has committed to changing will be more self aware , I don't have male friendships and I don't put myself in a position where it could happen. Telling yourself you won't cheat isn't enough. Things to consider , were his friends and family supportive of his cheating ? Was there ever any serious repercussions for his cheating ? Do his friends cheat ? Does he still spend time with them ?

I think it's a bit like going on a diet. A short term crash diet doesn't work. There has to be long term lifestyle changes.

OP your post of today at 12.10 breaks the talk guidelines as you have personally insulted another poster. You sound a little immature to me and have been getting somewhat defensive when posters have not said what you wanted to hear. What's the point of asking for opinions if you only want to hear something specific.

I am sure there are any number of people who have cheated in one r/ship but not with another, but that tells you nothing about your present r/ship and whether your DP will cheat on you. So I can't see the point of your post really. Why not enjoy the r/ship as it is and see how things pan out - none of us can see into the future.

his friends don't cheat (that i'm aware of) his family are not supportive of cheating in fact him mum sat him down to have a serious word half way through his last relationship as she knew what he was like and from then on he stopped. this is going off his word mind xx

Don't be swayed by the friends and family saying how much he has changed, never seen him like this before.

On the day of my SIL wedding the (ex)BIL's family were telling anyone that would listen how much he had changed his bad boy ways, used to cheat on all girlfriends but SIL was different and he would settle down now. Roll on 6 months and funnily enough he was shagging some woman he'd hooked up with before the wedding day.

Treat the friends and family as salespeople for your DP, take everything they say about him with a healthy dose of realism.

ive seen bigger insults on here nananina, that is more of an opinion than an insult just like you calling me immature??

i have gratefully received all replies and only defended the ones that say i am not in love as nobody but myself can know that.

i am aware of the saying a leopard never changes his spots hence my original question so i apologise if wanting at least one example of a positive outcome from a poster has offended you. Maybe i should have just logged off after the first reply??

Thanks zucker i will, wish i could go back to being all innocent and trusting but i suppose the outcome would still remain the same but at least i could relax in the meantime

Op you just don't know. We don't know what the odds are either. It's a risk you take when you give your heart to someone. Anyone can cheat even previous non cheaters. It's the way of the world I'm afraid.

Just enjoy things.

realistically you are 100% right Quitelikely5 deep down i know this and am sooooo scared

The way to deal with it to think that the worst has happened, ok so it happens. No one will die, your heart will hurt but it will eventually recover.........

Before you have children you need to make sure you're out of your honeymoon phase. See how he handles boring old life.........some men just can't handle it and look for a new thrill

Thank you i love this advice

Would also like to add I used to cheat previously too. Met my husband and have never been tempted, not once. I was with the wrong people before. Some where nasty some I didn't fancy. But whwn you have the real deal some people do change :)

loving the positive outcomes, it gives me hope x

Remember every relationship is different so you can't asume people will forever follow the same path. Some do, some don't. You can only trust and take the risk or walk away.

he tells me i am the only person he has ever loved, he wants to marry me and have children (he has never wanted this before)

Yadda yadda, that's what he says to all the girls. Irrespective of what his friends say, they've no idea what's actually going on in his head, whether this is a phase or a conversion. He doesn't know either.

Your username is willievertrust, your ex cheated on you, and you've decided to put all your faith into someone who admits cheating on exes.
What could go wrong with that eh?

If he starts seeing his boys more, or you ever don't feel like sex, or you get ill, or suffer a bereavement, you're going to be looking over your shoulder, reading texts and emails to see if he's up to snuff.

I don't see how realistically you can relearn trust in these conditions.

Blimey. What is wrong with this thread!

You've asked a perfectly ordinary question and now you're 'immature', 'attacking a poster', 'if monogamy is important to you' (wtf??); attacking you for 'being in love after 6 months' and introducing your kids to him etc etc. What on earth is going on, a high proportion of cavalier posts here imo.

op I wouldn't put my trust in this guy. As hard as it is, things will be harder later on when the gloss wears off. I've personally never cheated, though at times it has been an almighty struggle, I just didn't do it. It's a serioius 'crime' against a person and I wouldn't like it done to me - and, hey, monogamy is important to me, as it is for the vast majority. Especially you because of what you've experienced in the past.

I do think once a cheat always a cheat I'm afraid. I wouldn't trust this guy - you'll have years of constantly checking up and looking over your shoulder. He's clearly told you who he is: listen. You think you're going through it now, think of years of that, the stress of it....