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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

One last dc even though the relationship breaking down

47 replies

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 00:59

Dp & I have been together many years. I've posted on here regarding our relationship. I'm very unhappy with the relationship. Dp isn't supportive. He's very indifferent & he struggles to communicate.

I've tried everything I can think of to improve the relationship but realise dp will never change. I've slowly come to the conclusion we need to separate. I've told dp this.

The thing that stops me from ending the relationship is I want another baby.
Utterly selfish. Totally unrealistic but I think about it almost daily. I'm 42 so I know this is my last chance. If I was younger I wouldn't want another dc with dp.

I sound ( & feel) ridiculous but I have a fear that I will regret not having one last dc.

How do i get past this?

Is it an age thing or did other people feel like this at the end of a long relationship?

Tia.

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 27/08/2015 01:08

You know the answer yourself, don't you. Even if it's not mild yen from the end of a relationship or you might get from being menopausal it would not be fair to anyone.

If you have told DP you want to split then it's time to get on with it. Letting it drag out isn't fair either.

If you then still want another child maybe ask a gay friend if he would like to donate sperm and buy a turkey baster! Or hope you meet someone.

Or accept that there is not going to be another child. Many others before you have had to do this.

Macadaamia · 27/08/2015 01:13

How many DC do you use currently?

IF in process of seperating then where will you live? Do you earn enough to support everyone? Bear in mind ur ex dp will have to pay maintenence for any new baby

Original poster

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 01:20

We have 4 dc together. This is my house. Dp has property og his own. I run my own business & am the main earner.

I know all the realities associated with another dc. The youngest is only 18 months. That's why I don't understand why I feel like this!

OP posts:

Original poster

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 01:23

I don't have anyone to ask to be a sperm doner!
I think it unlikely I would meet someone in time to have another child.

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 27/08/2015 01:33

what does your partner think? Does he want another child no matter what? would he agree to trying to conceive even though you are on the verge of splitting up?

Macadaamia · 27/08/2015 01:33

In time? I think I remember your posts, don't some DC have disibilities too?

BitOfFun · 27/08/2015 01:37

In time? You are way past time. It would be much healthier for you to accept that your ship has sailed and focus on doing the best you can by your already-existing children.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 27/08/2015 02:02

I agree, your existing children should be your main consideration at the moment and another pregnancy and baby on top of the separation of their parents is unlikely to be easy for them.
I'm sorry you're going through this

wafflyversatile · 27/08/2015 02:03

BitofFun many many women have children at 40s. There's a thread on it just now.

BitOfFun · 27/08/2015 02:20

Sure, but not generally. It's not something to hang your hopes on.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/08/2015 02:44

Could you cope financially with 5 kids (one a baby), working for yourself with no DP? Pregnancy/baby will definitely curb your earnings for a good couple if years.

I had a second baby with nowXH when we were already v rocky, so I understand how you feel. I just don't think it's in any way practical.

Cabrinha · 27/08/2015 02:44

I was getting ready to say that if you know you can support the child and existing one (I'd assumed you had one now) then I wouldn't do it, but I can see why.

A friend and I were in similar positions - both wanted a second baby, not to have an only. Both knew our marriages were dead in the water. Both preferred children close together with same father. For me, I decided my impending split meant I couldn't TTC. She decided it meant she should get on with it.

4 years on, we're both divorced - she has 2 and I have 1. Neither of us regret our decision.

BUT: you have FOUR kids. What's to say when you have #5, you won't want #6? This is not about having one child and wanting a sibling relationship.

I think it's the knowledge that this is your last chance (driven by the split, not age so much) that is causing this.

I actually think it's wrong to have a child when you know you don't intend to stay with the father. Unless you've separated and both agree. Otherwise it's false pretences to your partner. Even if you've mentioned separation as a possibility - because they can think it won't happen.

I personally disagreed with my friend's decision but I understood it, from increasing 1 to 2. I don't understand it at all going 4 to 5.

You have enough kids! Don't use up time and energy on another baby that you should be spending on ending your marriage and helping your existing kids through that.

wotoodoo · 27/08/2015 02:51

My dh's mother did this, had a last baby (my dh!) before divorcing her husband. I was shocked how unfeeling she was when she told me! She was also the breadwinner and had no regrets.

I think it was a case of getting what she wanted before it was too late despite the domestic abuse she suffered.

I don't think practicality comes into it when broodiness hits you. She was the most sensible, rational, dignified woman so learning what she had done shocked me.

Finola1step · 27/08/2015 02:53

In the gentlest possible way...don't do it.

You have 4 dc. Their needs come first. You have already told their father that the relationship is over. In all likelihood, he will leave. Your priority must be to support the 4 dc you already have with the break up of the family unit.

Perhaps you are having these thoughts as a sort of grief type reaction to the end of the relationship?

Arsenic · 27/08/2015 02:59

BitofFun many many women have children at 40s. There's a thread on it just now.

Add message | Report | Message poster
BitOfFun Thu 27-Aug-15 02:20:35

Sure, but not generally. It's not something to hang your hopes on.

I'm glad someone finally said that

Wando · 27/08/2015 06:18

Please don't do it. You have 4 DCs and your mind will be all over the place due to the problems in your relationship.

It's hard but I think you'll know deep down what the right decision is

Rebecca2014 · 27/08/2015 06:22

Yes you are being ridiculous. You have FOUR children already with this man!

You are crazy, focus on the children you already have and support them during the split instead of trying to add another child.

newnamesamegame · 27/08/2015 06:38

I think, again in the gentlest possible way, you need to get some support from a counsellor or someone if you seriously think, with four children and some among them with special needs, that having another child in a failed marriage is a recipe for success.

I don't mean that nastily, but you obviously are attaching a HUGE amount of importance in your emotional mind to the idea that having babies will make you happy. Very evidently, to everyone including yourself, another baby would be an absolute disaster. You know this too.

Don't have another baby. But also get some therapy or counselling.

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 27/08/2015 06:47

You think about it almost daily? Shouldn't this be an almost constant thought if you feel so strongly?
I have one DC and am not thinking about divorcing and think about next baby loads each day.
Please concentrate on the children you already have at what will probably be a very difficult time.

Pickedmypoison · 27/08/2015 08:02

I think it's absolute madness to have a fifth child at the age of 42 (well you will be older than that when she/he arrives) when you know you will be bringing them all up on your own. Presumably all five children will be with you? How will you manage physically, practically and financially to cater for all their needs?

The logistics of it all! I find the school run difficult with two kids (different schools.) How do you manage with five?

Original poster

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 08:12

I read back my post & thought, 'What would I suggest to someone who posted my thread? '.

Your all absolutely & totally right. Yes I have dc with SN. My days are long and very busy as it is!

I think at nearly 42, I can't presume any child would be healthy. Or of I became ill, itwould be ddisastrous.

There is a large age gap between dc3 & 4. I feel dc 4 is very much on her own.

I strongly feel (when I detach from my situation) that having one more dc is a way of staying in a situation I know & understand. I need to move from from dp. For me work has always been there. I set up after dc was born 13 years ago. So work isn't something that has changed very much, nor would it if i had another baby or split from dp.

It would be unfair on dp as it would give him false hope. That isn't fair on him. Financially his contribution would not be significant as he doesn't earn very much.

I know rationally that another dc is not a good idea, verges on the ridiculous & is selfish & irresponsible, so why do I still think about it?

OP posts:

123MothergotafleA · 27/08/2015 08:14

For the love of Mike!
The answer to this is so obvious really. Apart from anything else, the quality of life for existing children should be considered. Imagine separation from father, and the demands of a newborn, not to mention a rowdy toddler, oh, and a stressed out mother!
Keep it simple, I'd say, minimise stress on whole family, and " move on " as they say.

Pickedmypoison · 27/08/2015 08:15

Well that's amazing that your work would not suffer from you having five children on your own including a toddler and breastfeeding baby.

Barbafamiily · 27/08/2015 08:18

To conceive a child you would be needing to be dtd a fair old bit, or maybe just the once if you are still extremely fertile (but with all due respect, at this age, not many have that luck) I just don't know how you can want to be intimate with someone you want to separate from? And what message does that send to him, you tell him you want to separate but then start initiating sex? It just doesn't feel very honest to him or the child.

Original poster

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 08:29

Barbafamiily Your absolutely right!

OP posts:

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