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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

One last dc even though the relationship breaking down

47 replies

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 00:59

Dp & I have been together many years. I've posted on here regarding our relationship. I'm very unhappy with the relationship. Dp isn't supportive. He's very indifferent & he struggles to communicate.

I've tried everything I can think of to improve the relationship but realise dp will never change. I've slowly come to the conclusion we need to separate. I've told dp this.

The thing that stops me from ending the relationship is I want another baby.
Utterly selfish. Totally unrealistic but I think about it almost daily. I'm 42 so I know this is my last chance. If I was younger I wouldn't want another dc with dp.

I sound ( & feel) ridiculous but I have a fear that I will regret not having one last dc.

How do i get past this?

Is it an age thing or did other people feel like this at the end of a long relationship?

Tia.

OP posts:

Zanymummy · 27/08/2015 08:41

I'm in my mid forties and baby is healthy although unplanned and having my differences/problems with hubby I'm enjoying being a mum again and wouldn't have it any other way, if you want one last child go for it as like me you can afford to have another and i presume like me will cope even if we decided to end the marriage

Original poster

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 09:53

pickledmypoison It's my company. I only go in once/twice a month.

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 27/08/2015 09:57

What a shame that the FOUR children you already have are not sufficient to meet your needs.

You have children with SN and a toddler and run a business. Oh and you're planning on becoming a single parent.

The children you already have deserve better.

Lndnmummy · 27/08/2015 10:00

Some posts here are really harsh. OP, I feel for you alot.

Twinklestein · 27/08/2015 10:23

so why do I still think about it?

Because some women feel broody their whole lives, well into their 80s.

It's not a good reason to overload yourself with responsibilities, compromise the care you can give your existing children, and upset your husband (by using him as a sperm donor before dumping him). And you have no guarantee that the broody feelings would even stop after another child.

I think you would be prioritising hormones over reason and common sense.

Wando · 27/08/2015 10:47

It's normal to feel broody - why do grandmothers have such love and nostalgia for their grandchildren. It's human nature. You've had 4 - don't worry

Original poster

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 10:54

Absolutely valid points & thank you Lndnmummy I appreciate kindness.

I think many posters are missing the point of the thread!

I know all the realities of having young children. Of having a large family. As well as having dc with SN, working, dealing with everything as dp really isnt interested but I still think about one last baby.

There is no logic to it. I often wonder why I want another child. Mixed genders so that's not an issue.

Sadly the situation with dp is very unlikely to improve so i know i need to move on with life. Get to the next stage. Maybe when all the dc are in school consider a career change, something not child related. I admit I really only deal with dc or work. I don't do anything else, I've not wanted to.

I think hormones & feelings can be difficult to manage, especially as we manage & control nearly every part of our lives.

OP posts:

juneau · 27/08/2015 10:57

What twinkle said.

Broodiness isn't necessarily rational - its hormones - that's all. Some women (and men), have a much stronger natural desire to procreate than other people and you should see this for what it is - a natural urge to add numbers to the human race. You, however, are not in a great position to do this. As a single mum with DC with SN how on earth would you cope with five DC, on your own? Four is going to be a stretch, I would think, what with running your own business too. This urge to have 'one more' may never go away, so I think you need to make your peace with it, learn to live with it, and then focus on separating from your DH and caring for those four DC that already exist. That's a lot already, by anyone's reckoning.

mrstweefromtweesville · 27/08/2015 11:02

If you want another baby with your DP, have one. It won't stop you splitting up.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 27/08/2015 11:19

if you have a successful business that you only need to go in to one or two days a month and gives a good income surely a career change would be crazy? Or do you mean on top of that.

I have three children and am absolutely not broody now. But I know plenty who are. I know a girl who's husband and her agreed he'd get the snip after their fourth child. she then decided she wanted another baby but he didn't so she left him and had a fifth with someone.else and is now pregnant with her sixth. only issue with her husband had been the baby issue which I think was extremely selfish of her. sometimes I think you just need to know when enough is enough.

Original poster

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 11:19

mrstwee I know it won't, that's not the issue.

I think most people are thinking it will be a big jump going from as we are now to a single parent with 4 dc. Sadly not. Dp really isn't interested in family life. Ironic really as he was the one who wanted dc when we met, not me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 11:22

Sorry X post,
Career wise? I would be along side my existing business. Bread & butter, an' all that!

OP posts:

BrandNewAndImproved · 27/08/2015 11:34

I felt broody for years after my two, not they're 8 and almost 10 it's magically gone. I didn't go for the third because I couldn't afford it and I don't regret it. All I could think of a few years ago was another baby (not a child just a baby) and now mine are older I'd never go back to square one with all that hard slog all over again.

ouryve · 27/08/2015 11:37

I don't even understand why you would want to have sex with someone who makes you so unhappy, never mind have another child with them.

Wando · 27/08/2015 12:54

I think you need to think not just of your desire for a child but about your relationship generally. It sounds to me that notwithstanding any baby something has to change.

Original poster

Peppasmate · 27/08/2015 13:17

Wando sorry I don't understand?

OP posts:

IceBeing · 27/08/2015 13:26

I also wish I could have another even though it would be the worst idea going.

I only have one...so have all the added no sibling guilt too.

Emotions are stupid...but knowing they are doesn't totally silence them :(

wotoodoo · 27/08/2015 16:48

When my mil had another baby with her soon to be xh it probably gave him false hope and he and his side of the family never forgave her for that. Not only that but screwed him up mentally for the rest of his life and put my dh and sil through hell regards to divisions in the family following the divorce.

You may be ok with your cute little baby but the repercussions for the rest of your family , ex's family and extended family could be catastrophic.

Also I don't know the prevalence of violence/mental illness that is hereditary but those were the reasons mil divorced her dh which really made me wonder why on earth she would want to perpetuate/inflict those genes on another baby

juneau · 27/08/2015 16:53

What would also concern me is that you may well have another DC with SN. You already have one (or more?) and that raises you chances on its own, plus there's the fact that you're already 42. I know women of that age and older have healthy babies every day, but how would you cope if you had a DC with more severe SN or disabilities than your current brood? Going it alone with the known quantities you have is one thing, adding a wild card into the mix could be quite another.

RandomMess · 27/08/2015 16:54

I wonder if it's just the reality of this phase of your life coming to end and being ready to leave it behind.

I was devastated to be sterilised when DC4 was just 5. Completely my decision and very much the right thing for me but it still broke my heart that it was so final and the era of young children was at an end.

Perhaps much of it is a desire to postpone moving onto that next phase of life especially with the end of your marriage fast approaching.

Emotions are complex and weird

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2015 17:00

I think you have to just accept you are a broody woman and you always will be. The thing is that you have to make your head rule your heart. You could have another child with special needs. Something could happen to you, meaning your husband, who isn't bothered, would be left with all the children.

You have four lovely children and a thriving business. You have so much to be happy about. You actually do have a baby - to me, an 18 month old toddler is still classed as a baby. Those newborn moments don't last long - yes, they are absolutely lovely, but so are all the other phases your children go through.

Try to feel happy about the life you have, rather than feeling there's something missing.

PacificDogwood · 27/08/2015 17:05

Peppasmate, you and we all here know what the logical/rational answer is: it'd be madness to try for another child in your situation for all the reasons you have listed yourself: having sex with somebody you actually want to separate from and the hurt that will like cause him, having to cope with 5 children on your own etc etc.
But all posters ought to remind themselves that feelings are not rational, that's why they are 'feelings' - you feel what you feel and that's it.

However, you don't have to act on these feelings. Even if you continue having a twinge of regret at not having another baby, the reality of a life with 4 rather than 5 DCs, your current baby growing up and giving you more independence before you hit 60, may well make up for that.

None of us can make any kind of decision for you. Fwiw I had DS3 and DS4 aged 42 and 44 respectively; I conceived easily, had enjoyable pregnancies and delivered healthy babies without fuss. BUT - you really cannot bank on that.

I think you have to think about the worst possible scenarios: what if the theoretical baby had additional needs? what if you lose your earning potential? what if one of your existing children develops a health problem? what if this trying for another baby complicates your relationship to your current partner and the split turns from an amicable one to a bitter, confrontational one?

Emotions are indeed complex and weird. And not alway helpful. Twats

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