Advice needed about a sad and difficult situation

[stargirl04]

Hi,

My sister (DSis 1) has cancer, diagnosed recently, she has 2 young DCs and me and my other sister (DSis 2) will between us help out with household chores, babysitting, school runs, taking her to hospital for chemo etc.

I live further away in a different city, but I am freelance and can reduce my work commitments to be there as much as I can be.

I can't imagine what my poor sister must be going through. She doesn't want to talk about it but I know she is very frightened and putting on a brave face for her DCs.

To further complicate things, I have some friends visiting from overseas which has been arranged for a long time. I had arranged to take 2 weeks off work to spend time with them, a week of which was to be spent abroad in Europe.

Me and both my sisters have only recently found out about the cancer diagnosis, and only now have we found out her date for surgery and chemo/radio follow-up, so I have messaged my friends on FB to explain that while I will endeavour to see them as much as possible while they're here, and they can use my place as a base whether I'm there or not, I now won't be able to go abroad with them for a week, and explained why.

They are specifically coming to see me and travelling from New Zealand. The one I'm closer to was due to visit last year but her friend let her down at the last minute and I couldn't get enough time off work to spend with my friend, so she decided to delay the visit till this year.

I've been under pressure from her to take a good chunk of time off work to spend with her as "she is not coming all this way to not spend a decent amount of time with me". (This conversation was prompted by the fact that I'm reluctant to take off LOADS of time - ie. 3wks - as money is an issue - I don't get paid if I don't work but that's really besides the point.)

My mum died some years ago of cancer, and I felt I wasn't there enough for her (because I live and work 3 hours away) and regret that. I don't want to make the same mistake with my sister.

Our parents have both passed, we don't have any other living relatives we know of and we are a close-knit family.

I've messaged my friend on FB, and tried calling her, but she hasn't answered, and now I'm worried that she is monumentally p**d off with me for letting her down - the second time she will have been let down by a friend over a massive overseas trip. Which I feel bad about, and this is the last thing I wanted to do, but I can still try to spend as much time as possible with her/them while fitting it around DSis 1's needs.

DSis 2 tells me that DSis 1 would not want me to cancel my arrangements, but another RL friend says that the last thing DSis 1 would need is a conversation that puts pressure on her or makes her feel guilty, so should say nothing and make sure I'm available for her if I'm needed - which I agree with.

Am I being unreasonably unreliable to my visiting Kiwi friends / overreacting to my sister's diagnosis, or would good friend/s understand the situation?

If you've got this far, thanks for sticking with my long post.

I think your sister with cancer takes priority over this. If your friend does not understand this, then she is not your friend. I understand it is an extremely long way for her to travel, but you could not have predicted this in a million years. I can understand her being disappointed, but if she is pissed off with you for wanting to be there for you sister who is ill, she is being a bit mean.

Thanks Moly, I really appreciate that. Sometime you just need to hear it from other people, as I am a person who suffers from self-doubt and wonders if I've made the right decisions generally.

Feel helpless about my sister, and terrified. She won't talk about the C word either, because she is frightened of losing her composure in front of her kids.

I agree completely with molyholy. If a friend said to me "I'm so sorry I can't spend the time I'd planned with you but my very frightened sister has cancer and needs me" I'd be saying "Of course she does, how can I help? Shall we delay the trip?" etc!

I agree with molyholy, you have to proritise your sister. Your friend should understand if she's a real friend

I wish your sister all the very very best with her treatment

Thanks GoooRooo.

My sister doesn't "look" frightened, and would never admit to being so - she's always been a strong and stable person. On the surface she is being INCREDIBLY brave - but I know she is scared, and who wouldn't be?

She has a good husband, but he is self-employed so it is difficult for him, too. She has great friends around her so she has a good support network.

But I don't want to make the same mistake as I did with my mother, because I didn't feel that I did enough.

Thanks Bit out of Practice.

My sister is only young, doesn't drink or smoke, eats a healthy diet, as do her kids.... I am so shocked that cancer has struck her anyway. Although I shouldn't be, given the statistics and the fact that young children get it.

Medical staff tell her her case is rare. It was a year before it was diagnosed :-(

My DSis is going through similar.

If I was in your situation, my DSis would not want me to cancel arrangements with friends either. However, I think this would be about me and my choice would be to be with my sister. There are so many ways I feel I can help - accompanying her to appointments, looking after niece and nephew, dropping off shopping, giving lifts, etc etc. Even if I did go with friends I wouldn't be good company for more than a few hours.

Hopefully, there will be other opportunities to see friends.

I was the friend in a similar situation recently. I had flights booked , plans made ect
I received one text from my friend saying she didn't know what to do for the best.
I text back that I had cancelled my flight & she wasn't to give it another thought.

Your friend is being very thoughtless.

Thanks Olly. I really hope your DSis gets through this and has a good outcome.

I feel guilty having a good time on a day or night out, let alone going away for a whole week abroad - I'd worry all the time.

Besides, it's not fair to leave everything to DSis 1.

Leaving your sister out of the picture, your 'friend' has already been putting pressure on you to take more time off work than you can afford, and has been quite pushy by the sound of it. If she doesn't immediately back off when you tell her about your sister, then I would tell her to get stuffed as she is being completely unreasonable.
Good luck to your sister and I hope you get to spend plenty of time together in the coming months.

Your friend is making it all about her. Does she really think you'd enjoy having a holiday and fun knowing your dsis has cancer and needs you? She does, and if you go ahead and let an old acquaintance in NZ trump your family you might find that bites you on the bum forever more, and your " friend" will have shoved off again, and got on with her own life, probably de friending you on FB first because you weren't as much fun as she was expecting, during The Visit of the Important Friend.

Is she an old friend whom you used to be close to? And now speak or email once in a while? She is disappointed of course, but really she could hide that and say " never mind, I'll come another time, call me if you need to talk"

Any friend worth having would instantly shut up about their own wants as soon as they heard the circumstances. I'm so sorry about your sister. Having lost both my mother and my sister in law in the last six months, I understand something of what you're going through

What does your sister want you to do? Have you asked her? Don't assume she wants you to cancel your plans and holidays.

Your sister comes first. I was like you, worked during my mums illness, her choice. She was old-fashioned and worried I would 'get into trouble' if I took time off! She lived nearby and I managed to see her every day after work, but I regret not doing more for her.
Tell you're friend that right now your sister is your first priority. If she wants to make the journey, that's up to her but she must know and understand your first commitment won't be to her

Thanks Clobbered: My friend has put pressure on me, it is true.

I have visited friends overseas before - in NZ (for 2 weeks) and Germany (1 week) - and I never expected anyone to take off a whole week or fortnight to spend time with me, I just saw them when they were able to see me and was happy with that.

I don't think my friend realises what it's like to be freelance in a declining industry; there is less work available and more people competing for it. I have no pension or sick pay and no partner to help carry the financial burden of living expenses (in London).

I don't take more than one or two weeks' holiday a year for this reason. She is well off, with a tiny mortgage - or it may even be paid off, she has a lodger, two cars and a well paid job with all the associated financial perks, and can well afford a big overseas trip. She just doesn't understand that not everyone is in her position.

Thanks too to all the other PPs.

To the person who asked "what does your sister want?", I'll see her this weekend but am a bit reluctant to ask her because of the possibility of putting her under pressure, and I know she will say "You must go on with your plans".

DSis 2 was going to cancel her holiday also but I think she is reconsidering so must have had a conversation with DSis 1 that's made her change her mind.

The friend from overseas - there are two of them coming. One I'm closer to, let's call her DF1, and the other is more of an acquaintance, but a mate all the same.

DF1 - I used to live in her country and we became close friends, saw each other often, and she really helped me when my mum died. She isn't ordinarily someone I see as particularly pushy although on this occasion she's made it clear she wants me to be available for at least 10 days/2 weeks because she is mainly travelling here to visit me, and she and DF2 are going to see some of the world cup rugby games so it's probably not an option for them to cancel their trip at this stage as they have spent a fortune on tickets.

To the PP who mentioned about "getting into trouble at work", that's exactly the situation I had when my mum died, which I regret.

I have a similar situation now as in my line of work you just don't cancel existing bookings unless you're in hospital or something because no one wants to get a reputation for unreliability, which in turn affects your ability to get more work.

And I am booked solid in September - with October I have more freedom as I'm not committed to anything yet.

DSis's surgery will be mid-Sept so I'll talk to DSis 2 and figure out when I'm likely to be needed most, then approach my employer/s and explain the situation and I'm sure they will understand.

Issues of reliability are one of my tests in this lifetime, I suspect, as it's a theme that crops up over and over. I once started a new job despite having a punctured lung because I didn't want to "let anyone down".

Thanks so much to everyone for all your advice.

I agree with Lavender - how can you possibly put up the pretence of enjoying yourself on a week away, when you have this on your mind?

If your friend is as selfish as she seems, I'm surprised she'd want to spend all this time with someone who clearly won't have their heart in it!

I had a old friend in my teens that moved away and put pressure on me the whole time to visit and drop everything when I visited her. She was extremely PA, and made things very unpleasant - we exchange birthday and Xmas cards now - but that's it!
I feel for you!

I am sorry about your sister,and I would do what your doing.If your friends are anything other than supportive then they are just not good friends,I also think expecting people to take weeks off work is odd,are they usually this needy.

My dad had cancer and I lived a plane ride away,I know that sinking feeling of being away and trying to be there enough, I couldn't concentrate a lot of the time while he was having treatment. Sending best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Can you try to work things with yout Dsis2 to ensure that between you there is cover for your Dsis1 and then explain exactly when you hope to be available to your friends? Tbh depending on the nature of the surgery,master wards there may not be a huge amount to do assuming her DC are already in school or nursery. She would very likely have friends from school who would help with school runs.

Remember that this is going to be a long haul. I would try to spend as much time as you can with your friends whilst still doing whatever needs to be done to pick up any slack then give your dsis2 a break and do more after that.

Does your dsis1 have critical life cover? A friend of mine did, it is common in self employed people with mortgages. she forgot about it but when she applied when she had breast cancer she received a very large payment which obviously helped with the costs. just a thought.

I hope your friend remembers herself soon and does behave like a friend.mi fear you are going to have to be very blunt about your finances and remind her we aren't all lucky enough to not work and take time off whenever we feel like it.

Your "friend" is being a bitch. Just leaving your sister's awful situation out of it for a moment, you live in London and she should be absolutely delighted to have free board and lodgings there for any duration without putting pressure on you to entertain her and spend "special time" with her. That your sister is seriously ill and needs you and yet she is still sulking is unspeakably bad behaviour. Don't give this spoilt woman another thought and spend time helping your sister whom I sincerely hope makes a full recovery.

PS I have also been a freelancer in a shrinking industry (journalism) and I completely get what you say but track record does count for something and I don't think anyone - and bear in mind I dealt with some of Fleet St's finest divas - would begrudge giving you a bit of slack in the circumstances.

Sorry for the typos. Meant to say I agree re not going away.myou wouldn't enjoy it anyway. Spend some 'quality time' with your friends and let them work out the rest.

I can understand why your friend is disappointed, but she is being rather ungracious. However, as she's been a big support to you in the past I would try to at least see if you can arrange a weekend away with her, having checked first that your sister's needs will allow this.

Do try not to get into a mindset of 'oh I can't enjoy an evening out as I would just be worrying about my sister' - obviously if your sister has major surgery the following day this is 100% normal, but otherwise you should still be able to enjoy your life. As a previous poster said, it's a long game and you will adjust to the situation to some extent as the time passes.

I have managed freelancers in this sort of situation, and so long as you give clients as much notice as possible, are clear about what timescales you can manage and explicitly say that you understand if they'd rather allocate X super-urgent project to someone else I think it should be fine.

I'm so sorry that your dsis has also joined the club that no-one wants to be a member of.

On a different note, may I recommend the Tamoxigang thread on the General Health board which is a valuable resource for anyone who has cancer concerns including relatives who are supporting their loved ones through ops/chemo/radiotherapy etc.

Both you and your dsis may find it a valuable souce of knowledge and support from others who have experienced, and are experiencing, the same roller coaster of fears and emotions.

Although your dsis's cancer may be rare, I have no doubt that amberlight will provide a jargon-free explanation of the latest treatments available together with reassuring stats that may serve as a beacon of encouragement through her darkest hours - of which, sadly, there'll be many, although she's unlikely to let on to you how often she feels despairing.

for you and for your dsis with best wishes for her speedy recovery.

Thanks so much everyone. I have to go to work soon and unfortunately don't have time to respond in detail to those who've posted but I really appreciate all of your comments and ideas.

I don't know what insurance my Dsis has in place but I will ask her about it.

Just to be clear, sorry if I've given the wrong impression but my friend hasn't actually responded to my message yet, but I know she's seen it.

I'm just getting myself into a worried state about not knowing how she will react and letting her down. She might yet be really understanding - so my apologies if I've painted a bad picture!

As PPs have said, this will be a long process and me and my sisters will work it out, I guess.

Goddessofsmallthings - my sister is not affected by breast cancer - would that thread still apply to me? And what is amberlight, please?

Thanks for all of your kind thoughts and wishes for my Dsis.

Sounds like your friend is lacking confidence and needs someone with her to do the travelling. In fact most people travelling alone meet up with others just because they are on their own. But she seems to want you with her.
Can you look into trips/ tours etc that she can go on so that she is with others. She would have a great time anyway. Is she a NZer as there are expat groups around (or at least in London) that she could maybe meet up with.