Advice needed about a sad and difficult situation

[stargirl04]

Hi,

My sister (DSis 1) has cancer, diagnosed recently, she has 2 young DCs and me and my other sister (DSis 2) will between us help out with household chores, babysitting, school runs, taking her to hospital for chemo etc.

I live further away in a different city, but I am freelance and can reduce my work commitments to be there as much as I can be.

I can't imagine what my poor sister must be going through. She doesn't want to talk about it but I know she is very frightened and putting on a brave face for her DCs.

To further complicate things, I have some friends visiting from overseas which has been arranged for a long time. I had arranged to take 2 weeks off work to spend time with them, a week of which was to be spent abroad in Europe.

Me and both my sisters have only recently found out about the cancer diagnosis, and only now have we found out her date for surgery and chemo/radio follow-up, so I have messaged my friends on FB to explain that while I will endeavour to see them as much as possible while they're here, and they can use my place as a base whether I'm there or not, I now won't be able to go abroad with them for a week, and explained why.

They are specifically coming to see me and travelling from New Zealand. The one I'm closer to was due to visit last year but her friend let her down at the last minute and I couldn't get enough time off work to spend with my friend, so she decided to delay the visit till this year.

I've been under pressure from her to take a good chunk of time off work to spend with her as "she is not coming all this way to not spend a decent amount of time with me". (This conversation was prompted by the fact that I'm reluctant to take off LOADS of time - ie. 3wks - as money is an issue - I don't get paid if I don't work but that's really besides the point.)

My mum died some years ago of cancer, and I felt I wasn't there enough for her (because I live and work 3 hours away) and regret that. I don't want to make the same mistake with my sister.

Our parents have both passed, we don't have any other living relatives we know of and we are a close-knit family.

I've messaged my friend on FB, and tried calling her, but she hasn't answered, and now I'm worried that she is monumentally p**d off with me for letting her down - the second time she will have been let down by a friend over a massive overseas trip. Which I feel bad about, and this is the last thing I wanted to do, but I can still try to spend as much time as possible with her/them while fitting it around DSis 1's needs.

DSis 2 tells me that DSis 1 would not want me to cancel my arrangements, but another RL friend says that the last thing DSis 1 would need is a conversation that puts pressure on her or makes her feel guilty, so should say nothing and make sure I'm available for her if I'm needed - which I agree with.

Am I being unreasonably unreliable to my visiting Kiwi friends / overreacting to my sister's diagnosis, or would good friend/s understand the situation?

If you've got this far, thanks for sticking with my long post.

Has your friend actually responded to your message?

I think the best way forward is to prioritise your dsis. She will of course need lots of practical support even if she isn't ready to receive the emotional support. This will be particularly so for about a week or so after each bout of chemo. We found the first 2-3 days with my MIL's chemo were ok, then it hit quite bad for a week. Then a steady improvement until the next round of chemo.

But just a word of caution, do not run yourself ragged. This could be a long process for your sister and it would not be helped by you falling to pieces at some point due to exhaustion. If you are looking after your dsis, who is looking after you a little bit?

I had a cancer diagnosis and did not want to talk about it.

What is there to say? My DMIL would phone daily to commiserate - v annoying, I would be busy with something and not dwelling on the fact that I might be very ill in the near future!! and someone keeps phoning you to discuss it!! Better to be busy and distracted imv, to put it out of your mind as best you can.

Your sister must come first at this time. Any reasonable friend would see this.

Hi stargirl the Tamoxigang thread began for those of us who had had breast cancer or were awaiting test results. Now it is for anyone whose lives are touched by any sort of cancer. Amberlight is a mumsnetter who posts on that thread. Her research skills are legendary and she will find out and explain all the latest options in treatments for your sister's cancer.

Stay strong!

I am so sorry for you and your family that you are all going through this - especially as you have been there before - you will know that there are no straight lines in any of this - so many twists and turns - cancer is so unpredictable. My DM was diagnosed with ovarian cancer - she didnt survive the surgery (died 10 days after) was not killed by the cancer - this was so unexpected and shocking - she was youngish (58) healthy, fit, non smoker, non drinker....Dr said that sometimes this happens - initial surgery was "successful" but her stats just nosed-dived 8 days later.

This is when friends and family have to work together.

You need to support DS1 and the DS2 and you need to support each other.

Your friends need to support you all.

A rota worked well for us in the family - we didnt consult DM on it and our friends helped us out with our kids when we needed to be there for our Mum.

I would expect your visiting friend to not impose at this time - but only rock up if she can pro-actively support you.

As you know you will be pre-occupied and stressed for many more months - you dont need to entertain or fake joy at this time - it is a long exhausting process whatever the outcome and you and your family are at the sharp end right now.

Please dont feel guilty for doing the right thing at the right time.

Take care and pace yourself.

The Tamoxigang thread is for anyone who has any concern relating to any any cancer regardless of its primary or secondary site(s) but you could, of course, start your own thread on the GH board.

Amberlight is cancer survivor and regular poster who crunches the latest research, treatments, and stats, and presents them in plain English.

I should make it clear that I don't post on the Tamoxi thread but I've learned a lot from lurking over the past 4 or 5 threads in my attempt to find innovative ways of supporting a friend who has cancer.

It's to be hoped that your dsis is under the care of a recognised centre of excellence that is well versed in treating her particular cancer; if not, please encourage her to seek second, third, or more opinions from specialists in the UK and further afield if necessary.

I lost a very dear friend to cancer some years ago and it breaks my heart to think that he may have survived if he'd asked for a second opinion from a specialist hospital, but he wasn't the type to 'make a fuss' and he tended to believe anything/everything medics told him. I was able to get him home for his last weeks which was what he wanted and was advised against but, in retrospect, I should have done some far more serious arse-kicking on his behalf.

Regardless of whether money is an issue for your dsis, please encourage her to contact Macmillan who can advise her of all the government allowances she is entitled to claim: www.macmillan.org.uk

It may help you to think how in three/ six / twelve months you will feel about things.

Your friend may be concerned she won't have a free place to stay - did she buy you a ticket for the rugby to say thank you? I think ten days as tour operator and entertainments director isn't much of a hols, and an expensive one at that.

Also, having time off for family issues is very different to time off for a friend who wants a companion. You're the one that will be sucking up the fallout, not her. You have to put yourself first, and think what you want and how you would like to be treated. Also, as you say, you can't afford it financially and future challenges for your work. You can have a night out or two but really- I would be a bit hmm at an overseas friend who put me first when her dsis was going through what yours is.

Just because someone doesn't make a fuss doesn't make it ok. My DM was just the same. You can't get the time back.

If your friend has not had experience of an ill friend or relative they may not fully understand the practical & emotional impact

I would offer to let your friend stay, but say that you have committments to your ill sister & that you cannot be fully available

I am sure your friend can come to the hospital with you and or find other things to visit & do in UK

If you are friends it will all work out ok

I do think that a lot of your heartache could be solved by having a conversation with your friend and also (if she is up to it) with your sister.

As other posters have mentioned there is lots of support available - please use it.

Put your sister first.
The worst issue your friend has to face is that her holiday may not be quite what she planned.
What your sister is facing is something else.
But please don't talk to your sister - it's not fair to put the responsibility of this decision on her. Of course she will say that you should look after your friend. So please keep her out of it as she does not need any more stress.

If your friend is not being supportive, cancel the whole trip. If she can come and accept the changed circumstances and not give you any hassle, then let her stay.