DP works full-time. I work part-time. I do pretty much ALL the housework. Fair?

[GnTformeplease]

Hi,

So it's just that really.

DP has a bitch of a commute, I know, but I work 3 days a week too and whereas I don't have the stressful commute, it's a fairly demanding job, which leaves me with little-no energy in the evenings to tidy, wash up, clean and cook...which I do every night.

DP will wash up usually once at the weekend and might cook one meal. Takes out the bins, mows the lawn every fortnight etc. That sort of thing, but when it comes to the week, nothing. Seriously. Nothing.

This all came to head last night and she was really upset and said that she didn't have any energy in the evenings and that was that. I don't either, but it doesn't seem to matter. I know her job is full on and yes, she certainly works longer hours, which is why I'd be more than happy to do the lions share of the housework, but not all of it. That's fair enough, right? I'm honestly not expecting her to do much more. Just maybe wash up after dinner on one or two nights and not make out as if cooking a meal at the weekend and doing the saturday morning washing up, is somehow going above and beyond her 'duties' as the main breadwinner. Seriously, just taking the plates in the kitchen after we've eaten a meal (which I've cooked) would help.

She's not lazy in the slightest. She works ridiculously hard and I appreciate all that she does and I know she pushes herself at work so she can climb the ladder fast and provide a nice life for us, but I don't like this divide. That's what it feels like anyway. She sees her job as bringing in the money and mine as bringing in the pocket money and house keeper.

I know she loves me and my DC and I know she works harder than she would want to, not just for her, but mainly for us.

Anyway, I don't want to ramble on. I just wanted to get an idea if I was justified in my annoyance at having to do 95% plus of the household chores.

Would really appreciate your thoughts.

TIA

Hmmmmm. Tough.
These are the main things that I always think on threads like this.

1. How much time is actually spent on housework? If she works and commutes for 60 hours a week, and you work and commute for 30, and housework is 10 hours - it's fair.

1. But: depending on age of kids, you may need to add childcare to that hypothetical 30 hours

1. Outside of the box: away from who should do it, why is it taking so long? I'm a single parent (only one child tbf, but in the young constant mess making stage!) and I work very long hours and seriously, I don't get what housework people do, cos it sure as hell doesn't dominate my life!!

1. You touched on this: attitude. The not taking the plates in. I've never had an uneven split on housework, but I can tell you this - if I picked up more (and I have in individual weeks) it's because it was fair for me to do so. What I am NOT, is someone's damn skivvy! My XH was like this. I would do housework, but I would not clear up his lazy arse mess! So it's like laundry - will I take the basket downstairs and load the machine? Yeah. Will I go around the house collecting abandoned dirty clothes? Will I fuck. I sincerely hope that's the same for you. Dishes: if they're not in the sink, you don't do them. End of.

I think it depends on how much time you are in the house, but the attitude here is what would worry me. You are feeling resentful and she doesn't want to help.Not a great partnership.

Hmm. Tricky one. I have a DP with a very demanding job and that does impact sometimes on the day to day tasks we do around the house. He's more knackered than me and that's a fact - I've sat at a desk all day, he's been doing something physical and stressful. So some days I think it is the kinder thing to take up a bit more of the slack on dinner, washing up etc.

Added to that, do you have any time alone in the house? You don't say what ages your DC are but if you have time when you are not at work and your DC are at school or nursery, then it is probably both fairer and more practical for you to do more of the cleaning.

But having said that, it sounds like her attitude about the housework is quite shitty. Cooking and washing up needs to be done whether you've had a busy day or not. So when you're both home in the evenings then it does sound like it needs to be split more fairly. So if you cook because you got in earlier and it's more convenient for you to cook 6 out of 7 days, fine. But that doesn't mean she gets to sit there and let you finish doing everything that evening. She can hang the washing or run the hoover around quickly while you are cooking. She can help stack the dishwasher after dinner. Tiny, simple things.

Lion's share, yes, that sounds reasonable given your working hours difference. But definitely not all.

(Though I'll admit I'm like Cabrinha, I must be a slattern as I don't understand what housework people do to be rushed off their feet with it every day!)

As cabrinha says really. My dh is the same but he leaves his stuff everywhere for the tidy up elf. So crumbs everywhere, butter n jam left out and smeared all over the place, nothing put back in fridge, bath left full. So i can see it is bad attitude. I see it as his loss now as i am so pissed off all the time

I work part time, I do do most of the housework. But I work a different system to you. On the days that you are both working you should both do the cooking and washing up. On the days are off I think that you ought to do a bit more general housework. Or book a cleaner?

Some things are easier when you're at home, ie laundry, getting tea cooked on time. So logistically the p/t person is likely to do those. But it makes no sense for one person to be washing up / clearing the kitchen while the other just sits down, as my DH always says, networks of time - do it together, takes half the time, then you can both watch TV.

And being tired from work isn't really an excuse not to wash up - it's not physically or mentally demanding, unless you eat off cast iron plates!

I work 3 days and my DH is full time.

I tend to do about 90% of cleaning, usually on my days off when the toddler is having his nap.

But DH does 50% of the cooking/washing up/packed lunches/childcare on the days we both work and at weekends. He also does more gardening and baking (bread) than me.

Cab, you've hit the nail on the head I reckon. It's not so much wanting or accepting her to do half or any of the washing up or cooking in the week, but at least take the plates, glasses etc in the kitchen and clear the plates ready for me to wash them up later. It's little things like that, but it makes a huge difference. The things is, I've mentioned this several times, but she's the kind of person who DOES NOT like being ' told' what to do. I'm not telling her, I'm asking her, but I still expect it to happen, because imo, it's only fair. She agrees that it's fair too, but it still gets her back up when I ask her to do something. She says she'll do it when she's ready, but 9 times out of 10, that's never and I end up doing it anyway.

I think you have to manage the three days that you both work a bit better. That might mean defrosting a one pot meal from the freezer, a ready meal or a takeaway.

Then you can cook on the days you don't work and you share the duties on the weekend.

Do you have room for a dishwasher?

I work part time, DH long hours. I do the lion share of housework and child work. However he doesn't leave his crap for me to do, if he makes a snack or drink he will clear his own crap. His washing is brought to the washer, I won't go looking for it, or it just doesn't get done.

Jobs that don't take much time but really do help as in, he does load the dishwasher put the bins out and we share the garden chores. And he will, if asked help with a good clean on occasion.

He knows what's to be done and just does it, it must be very wearing for you to have to ask even got the small stuff. Try been specific rather than 'just help more'

Sorry, cross posted.

Thurlow, yep, again it's the little things count. It would change the atmosphere completely, which has recently got very tense, hence things coming to a head last night. I didn't want it to happen like that- tutting loudly, sweeping both plates up and storming off into the kitchen with an arsey "no no, it's ok, I'll do it... AGAIN!! Like always! I was out the kitchen for all of 20 minutes! I better get back in there!" Or words to that affect

So basically, everyone is saying pretty much the same. It's fair enough I do most, but not all??

You need to get an attitude of your own.
Frankly, fuck that she doesn't like being "told" what to do.
You know you don't have to be all nicey nicey and ASK please can the lazy cow clear her own damn dishes? It is OK to tell her.
Not a row - just "can you move those to the kitchen please?"
I ask my child politely to do that, but we both know it's not optional.

Perhaps people will roll my eyes at me being quite LTB on this... but I've lived with a lazy, disrespectful, selfish arsehole, and this is one way that it shows. When they basically say "I am more important than you".

Now sure, compromise. If she cooks 1-2 nights per week - her half share of the days you're both working - and she wants to get a takeaway... then don't bitch at her for not hand preparing a gourmet complicated meal. But she still has to provide something.

*little thing that count

I think on your days off (i.e., when you're home and she's working), you do the housework, but when you're both at work/home, you split it evenly.

Her attitude would bug me, though. Working full-time isn't an excuse to do nothing at home. If you worked full-time as well, would she still have the same attitude, I wonder?

Grrrrr *little things

gogo, I really don't know actually. Next year that's a possibility (me working FT) and if she's saying she really doesn't have the energy to do anything in the week, then why/how would that suddenly change when I'm working the same hours as her?!

Some people are not very strong others are lazy. Others just could not care less about mess. So it might be something to do with that. We both worked full time which tends to lead to better more equal marriages, never mind a lot more money. I recommend it.

I think you working full-time will be very revealing of her attitudes.

People are tired after work, whether you work three days a week or five, you're tired when you get home. But as an adult, you can't just opt out of doing housework because you work full-time and you're tired as appealing as it might be.

She needs to buck her ideas up, really. Tired or not, you can still take your plates into the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher or stack them by the sink. You can at least put a wash on or run the hoover around. It's not exactly strenuous to do any of those things.

Have you asked her whether she'll do more when you work the same hours as she does? What has she said about it?

Fair IMO. I worked 2.5 days and DH full time plus long commute. In my time off during the week I did the house and shopping etc. Weekends were different though. It was both of our weekend so we shared equally then.

I wouldn't class clearing up after yourself as housework, that's just the basics of being an adult. Does she seriously expect you to clean up her mess?

What would she do if she lived alone? Who would clear away her plate then?

It's incredibly disrespectful to expect someone else to pick up after you, which is entirely different to allocating cleaning, laundry, cooking etc based on who has the most time at home.

Would getting a cleaner be an option?

Agree with general consensus that she needs to do more than she does, sounds like she is taking the piss tbh.

No, it's not fair that you have to do such a large proportion of the mundane household chores.

That stuff is dull, tedious, unrewarding and unpaid. It is absolutely NOT fair for anyone in any partnership to offload that completely.

How would she do her laundry, shopping and cooking if you left her, for example?

Does she drive on this commute or could she use the time to at least do an online shop?

Girlfriend, I wish! Maybe one day, but I guess that still wouldn't really help with the little, not really housework, stuff. Unless you have a live in cleaner\maid\butler\PA

mintyy, well that's the weird and contrasting thing. She had to pretty much drag herself up. Parents were bloody useless and basically abandoned her. I think it's just a really bad habit of accepting that this is the way of things. Her ex apparently used to be as messy as they come. He would use every kitchen utensil, every pot, every pan, before washing or tidying up, so maybe a few plates and pots lying around just don't phase her. I don't want to live like f*ing teenagers, with pizza boxes on the floor and wet towels on the bed, but this sort of thing doesn't bother her. If I suggests she helps and she's too tired, not in the mood, she'll say that if it doesn't bother her, but bothers me, then that's my problem, so basically to solve it, I should just sort it myself.

Well in that case I'd pile all her stuff up (dirty plates, wet towels etc) and put them in a large box ready for her to sort out when she does have time.

It doesn't bother her because you do it all for her!

I second picking it all up, putting it in a pile and dumping it in her space. A chair, her side of the bed, her desk, her wardrobe, wherever. She'll have to deal with it once she runs out of plates/clothes etc.