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Original poster

Worried about shy son at university

48 replies

jezestbelle · 25/08/2015 22:33

My son got his grades at A Level to go to the university and course of his choice which is great. I am however seriously concerned about how he will cope when he is there. He is a very quiet type to the point of often seeming withdrawn although I know he also has a very caring and funloving side too when he is in the right environment. He has been in an allboys school-bloody brilliant idea of exDHs-since he was 10 and is pretty naive. I dont seem to see him looking forward to it the way I would expect. He has a summer job and works shifts so I dont even see him all that much

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 25/08/2015 22:36

Does his current chosen career depend on having a degree, or is he just going to meet family expectations/because it's what "everyone" does? Because if the latter, it's a giant waste of money and time.

Micah · 25/08/2015 22:39

He'll be fine. He'll find his niche. There are so many clubs, activities, housemates, coursemates, he'll find friends along the way.

Just don't push him or ask about friends/social life. Some people are happy not going out every night, and you could end up making him feel self conscious about it.

Google introvert.

Fairenuff · 25/08/2015 22:39

Has he been in contact with any coursemates/flatmates through facebook? People seem to be getting in touch already. Lots of nervous/excited freshers out there at the moment.

iwantgin · 25/08/2015 22:39

I bet he will be fine.

If he has a job he willhave had to meet and talk with strangers at first. It's just the same. Not all new uni students are going to be super confident types. Some will be quieter.

I am a year behind you. My DS is just about to go into Y13. I have little niggles about him going away to uni. He isn't a party animal but neither is he shy and quiet.

I think we have to just let them find their own way.

Epilepsyhelp · 25/08/2015 22:42

There were lots of shy individuals at my uni, but there seemed to be a group for everyone, there's such an eclectic mix of people at uni.

Original poster
jezestbelle · 25/08/2015 22:49

Hi I dont know if he has got in touch with anyone yet. He doesnt like using the internet except for his music and refuses to have a Fb account. I guess he will have met colleagues at work and so on. He seems to get on well enough with them. He hated his school and hates living in the London suburb which house prices have condemned us to, which is why I thought hed be a bit more excited

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 25/08/2015 22:53

He may be too anxious to be excited but that will settle down once he's there. Has he sorted his accommodation out?

goddessofsmallthings · 25/08/2015 22:58

Don't worry - he won't be in a minority of one and I suspect your shrinking violet will blossom in a co-ed environment but, hopefully, not so much that he neglects his studies. Smile

This is a rite of passage for both of you and I hope you'll come back with an update when he comes home for his first vacation.

Original poster
jezestbelle · 25/08/2015 22:58

He will be living in college in the first year. I think he doubts his choice of university and what he will do if it doesnt work out

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 25/08/2015 23:00

If he can be persuaded to use social networking he can start getting in touch with others in the same halls. If not, they will be there to welcome him when he arrives. Will he be far from home?

Original poster
jezestbelle · 25/08/2015 23:01

90 minutes drive. I dont think he is planning on coming home too much as he needs a break, did not have a great few years here

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 25/08/2015 23:13

Try to worry about him. Sometimes quiet lads do well friendship wise as everyone can't be all chatty and outgoing or who would listen to them. This time last year l was nearly in melt down worrying about my ds heading to college three hours away. He is quiet and also had difficulties with organising stuff. He had a brilliant year. Students in the accommodation want to make friends. He came out of himself and looking back l needed have worried. Please do not let him think you doubt his capacity to cope. Send him off with every confidence. But do keep in touch a good bit. Often boys are not great to text but you keep sending him random messages just so he knows you are thinking of him.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/08/2015 23:13

Not to worry!!

scarlets · 25/08/2015 23:30

Most people find their niche at university. Be optimistic.

goddessofsmallthings · 25/08/2015 23:37

If his choice of university doesn't work out, he can revert to plan B which is to apply to another that he's checked out beforehand and knows he'll be happy at and spend the time working until he can start over next year.

But if he's in halls he's bound to be caught up in the social whirl of Freshers and make like-minded friends, many of whom will have the same reservations that he does which will be forgotten once they've found their feet and start cracking on with their studies.

LadyB49 · 25/08/2015 23:49

I could have written you original post, many years ago.

I was worried sick when my ds got his grades. Quiet and shy. School wanted him to apply for Oxford but ds said no. He was also very young in the academic year.

I was also concerned that his home life was pretty difficult as his father had a severe personality disorder.
When ds started uni I left his father.
Ds went to a local uni on the other side of the city, living at home with me for the first year. Year 2 he house shared, and came home about once every 2 or 3 weeks. Got a bursary, made friends, joined uni clubs. It was afterwards that I heard the stories of uni life and came to know my son as an adult....his escapades, ...... And to learn that although they don't tell mum everything (very little in fact) they actually do become more outgoing within their own circle and limits.... like the night the police were called to their party cos they'd taken all the traffic cones into their house - for a laugh.!!! Police discovered they'd also taken in the crowd control barriers, and gave them 10 minutes to get everything outside again.

Now most parents would be appalled at this. I was just glad to hear he'd been letting the hair down and having fun. He still worked very hard and came first in his course, getting 100%.

He is now a ph.d married to a ph.d, with young son and living a great life.

And as for the quiet boy..... hmmmm.... I wouldn't want to work for him !! He more than holds his own.

As pp said, keep in touch, text randomly....news snippets, and don't expect regular responses. At only 90 minutes distance you could meet occasionally for lunch.- your treat.

And actually it's easier not to worry when they don't live with you.

zas1 · 26/08/2015 01:43

My son was shy when he went to university, he has come out of himself though. He did voluntary work and paid work in vacs and seemed to slowly build confidence that way. Some young men are quiet and society expects them to be the opposite

Wando · 26/08/2015 06:41

It's normal for boys to shy - that may be his character but he is likely to come out of his shell. Don't worry ( although much easier said than done).

TheMissingSheep · 26/08/2015 06:48

My DH and I met at University (same course). At the very beginning he was the most painfully shy person I'd ever met, but 10 years down the line, you'd never guess that! University really brought him out of his shell.

Chottie · 26/08/2015 07:26

I would echo what lots of others have said.

There are loads and loads of clubs and groups at uni - in fact something for everyone, your DS will find his niche.

Perfectlypurple · 26/08/2015 07:36

I feel the same about dsd. She spends all her time in her room. She has friends but never really bothers to see them. All she does is art and gaming.

She is going away to uni and is really excited but I worry that she will spend all her time in her room not making the most of the experience. If she does that she may as well have stayed here and saved us a shit load of money.

I have had a chat with her and explained she will probably be home sick and want to hide away but to get the most out of it will need to force herself to socialise, I have spoken to students who are extrovert who found it hard and had to force themselves to get out and meet people. They are now glad they did as they have a great uni life.

I know she isn't going to be the extrovert going clubbing etc, but she is very immature for her age and I am hoping if she meets like minded people she will grow up. Need to get her motivated to get a job too as I have been trying for 2 years to get her to get out there and find something, but unless I tell her to go out she just doesn't have the motivation.

Really hoping going away will be the making of her and that she will mature, and enjoy it. I hate the thought of her sat in her room while all her flat mates and other students are socialist around her and her sitting there feeling left out. Unfortunately so doesn't seem to realise you need to make the effort.

Isetan · 26/08/2015 07:45

He has a job, he's going to a university of his choice and he has a mum who cares about him, imo he has a lot going for him. It's time to focus on the many positives in his life and University just might be the place where he finds his niche but he'll have to be open to the possibilities to benefit from them.

Isetan · 26/08/2015 07:50

but I worry that she will spend all her time in her room not making the most of the experience. If she does that she may as well have stayed here and saved us a shit load of money.. Seriously! It's her experience and it's not your call on how she chooses to experience it Hmm.

ravenmum · 26/08/2015 07:57

I was very shy and immature (and also younger than most) at university - had a social phobia as a teenager - and found it extremely hard to go out of my room and socialise. I did somehow manage to get some friends, though socialising even with them was quite a struggle! But I knew all the time that I needed the practice, and though there were some miserable times, in the long term it had a positive effect. It got me out of the family home and showed me that I could be independent, even if I was a bit shit at it Smile. And more importantly, sitting on my own in my room a lot of the time actually got me a good degree and a career.

Chillywhippet · 26/08/2015 08:00

Nice thread on higher education

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/2439631-Quite-introvert-dd-going-to-uni-need-advice-tips-or-reassurance?pg=2

Quote from JasperDamerel which I read out to my DC:

"University is an introvert's paradise! You get your own space, so people only bother you when you want. You get to spend hours by yourself in the library, reading books. You get to join societies where you meet other people who share your interests without having to spend ages on small talk. If you feel sociable, you just go wherever it is that your friends congregate, and there will be someone to talk to. It's full of scholarly people who understand if you tell them that you don't want to go out because you're busy thinking. "

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