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Original poster

Worried about shy son at university

48 replies

jezestbelle · 25/08/2015 22:33

My son got his grades at A Level to go to the university and course of his choice which is great. I am however seriously concerned about how he will cope when he is there. He is a very quiet type to the point of often seeming withdrawn although I know he also has a very caring and funloving side too when he is in the right environment. He has been in an allboys school-bloody brilliant idea of exDHs-since he was 10 and is pretty naive. I dont seem to see him looking forward to it the way I would expect. He has a summer job and works shifts so I dont even see him all that much

OP posts:

Crosbybeach · 26/08/2015 08:08

SS went to uni and enjoyed it, but really only made a couple of close friends and spent s lot of time in his flat gaming. Doing same now he is back. Rather frustrating vas does feel a bit like it was a waste of a lot of money...

I suppose eventually he'll get a job..

Anyway, don't worry too much, he'll find his space.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/08/2015 08:14

You said he's 'living in college'. Does that mean Oxford or Cambridge? If so, don't worry - thet are plenty of single sex educated quieter types there! (As well as über confident social types). Agree that university is a good place for introverts.

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 26/08/2015 08:15

Crosby did he graduate? If he did then I can't see how it was a waste of money. This thread is weird, as if 'the experience' is somehow the point of university, rather than it being a ticket on to the next part of your life.

ravenmum · 26/08/2015 08:26

I also don't get why the experience is seen as quite such a big thing, especially if it's a question of money. Back in the days when you didn't pay so much (in the UK) I can understand if the focus was on having fun, but I'd have thought that today paying all that money for education reminded you that education is what university is meant to be about!

To me jezestbelle seemed more worried about whether her son would be unhappy, and whether he'd manage to finish the course as he wasn't sure it was the right one. That would be what worried me - especially as I knew a couple of people at uni who really found it hard to cope and had to drop out as it affected their health. That is pretty rare, but it is worth keeping an eye on kids for that reason (which it sounds like you are already doing now, jezestbelle).

Maybe people who are naturally thick-skinned and extroverted just find it hard to understand what a shy introvert finds so hard abut socialising?

Crosbybeach · 26/08/2015 08:30

balustrade it is more the fact that he's just come back and resumed his position at the laptop rather than, say, get a job,, a grad level job, that seems a waste of money.

But I do think part of uni is having an experience and moving on from school/home in an intellectual environment or to prepare you to get a job that requires a degree (unless you study while working) otherwise what's the point of it? Those experiences will vary drastically, but something has to happen!

ravenmum · 26/08/2015 08:37

It probably also helped me that when I finished uni I couldn't go back home as I didn't have a room there any more ... I didn't feel ready to get a proper job back then either, as I could still hardly hold a conversation so I went off abroad instead and did "easy" jobs until I'd got the confidence to go further - at which point the university degree came in handy. My brother, on the other hand, has never used his degree; I think he just took it as he had no idea what else to do, to be honest! Sometimes you just need the time to grow up.

Micah · 26/08/2015 08:38

Perfectly my mum gave me the same advice :).

I agree with itesan. It's not your experience and not your life and how you want her to be. If your dsd is an introvert it's completely wrong :). Google it.

Forcing yourself to socialise has the opposite effect. You don't want to go, you feel uncomfortable, it's a miserable experience. Next time it's harder. Then you wonder what's wrong with you because people are telling you socialising is easy, if you just get out there and do it.

Far better she goes out when she wants, and feels confident to do so. There is nothing wrong with sitting at home on a Saturday night because you don't want to, it doesn't mean you have no friends or social life.

Perfectlypurple · 26/08/2015 08:52

I am not saying she should go out on a Saturday night if she doesn't want to. But if she doesn't make the effort to meet people she won't have any friends. I have spoken to end of year one students and they have said they needed to make themselves go out to make friends. I have told her no one expects her to go out clubbing- as I said in my previous post but to sit in her room not making any friends will make her feel isolated. I know this because she experienced it at school and was upset that she was never invited to stuff. All I have tried to do is explain that she won't get invited to stuff if she doesn't make the effort to make friends. The sort of thing she would like would be groups - geeky stuff, but if she doesn't put herself out there it won't come to her. I am of course going to try and help her make the most of the experience, whether it is social clubs, night clubs or whatever. I just don't want her being upset because every one around her has made friends and she hasn't because she hasn't made the effort. She is so excited about going to uni and it will be hard, she will be homesick. Feeling isolated because everyone else is in a friendship group won't help that.

Isetan · 26/08/2015 09:28

All I have tried to do is explain that she won't get invited to stuff if she doesn't make the effort.

That's fine but the consequences of not making the effort are her responsibility and I would disengage from the moaning if she isn't prepared to help herself. I understand your concern and frustration but this is her path.

fastdaytears · 26/08/2015 09:34

Devillish yes, or Durham. IME if it's Durham you have nothing to worry about as college life means there are always people around and everyone finds their niche. You definitely don't have to be super outgoing to enjoy university life, but I'd be amazed if you don't find him a bit more sure of himself when he's back at Christmas. And LOADS of single sex school people at Durham. The look on some of the boys' faces when surrounded by real life taking breathing girls.... Terrified! But not for long.
Are you two very close? Could he be hiding the excitement because he's worried you'll be sad about him moving away?

Perfectlypurple · 26/08/2015 09:41

as a parent surely you advise your children of things?

They don't magically know all this, despite as a teen thinking they know everything. I HAVENT forced her to do anything. Merely explained what could happen. I don't see how that is awful.

Chillywhippet · 26/08/2015 09:52

We had a walk around an empty campus last week. DD1 going in September and DH had not seen the Uni.

DD1 is very gregarious and social so I'm worried about her spending too much time socialising and not enough in her room studying.

My other DC are much more reserved/geeky. DD1 walked past the societies notice board with barely a glance but the quieter DC stood for ages really excited by what was on offer. "Look there are 4', er wait, no 5 seperate gaming societies, and kayaking and ... And .. Wow!"

So I think DD1 will do more partying. The jury is out on the studying. The other DCs are actually more likely I think to have a really broad expereince in uni and in fact make the most of more opportunities.

Inspite of DD being very sociable I am worried about loads of things - will she meet nice people? will she cope with the work? will she manage her money? will she be homesick? cold? Hungry? Wet?

I think it's normal to worry and I'm trying to be upbeat with DD. my mum told me recently that when she dropped me off at uni 30 years ago she cried all the way home. I had no idea.

MultiShirker · 26/08/2015 11:01

You sound over-involved. He'll be fine. Just support his choice (you sound ambivalent about it) and then -- BACK OFF.

If he struggles, he may come back to you for advice. He needs sensible support, not anxiety from you (which I sense from your posts). Also be assured that if he struggles at university, there are multiple support systems he can use if he ass for help.

There will be his Personal Tutor, there will be a student counselling/support service (the one at my institution runs peer support groups which are v good), there will be advice, activities & support from the student Union or Guild.

Often university is where otherwise socially reserved young people blossom.

MultiShirker · 26/08/2015 11:06

"asks for help, obviously!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/08/2015 11:16

Don't worry OP, uni is full of all types of people, from super sporty types, bookish academics, grungy alternative music folk, computer gaming nerds, loud people, quiet people, shy people etc On a campus of thousands he will find his 'type' of people and forge life long friendships. His first port of call will be his immediate course peers, followed by his halls of residence neighbours and outside of that he has a myriad of uni clubs to join from chess, to rugby to fencing through to film clubs.

I remember people during the first week of uni crying down the telephone with homesickness, not knowing how to heat a tin of beans, unable to to write a cheque and incapable of operating a washing machine who within a term had grown up, found their feet and were enjoying that uni life threw at them.

Time to cut the apron strings a little OP

Lucylloyd13 · 26/08/2015 11:19

I am sure he will be fine. A new environment offers new opportunities.

As for having gone to a boys school, so will many others, and if he is that way inclined there will be a Gaysoc there too.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/08/2015 11:35

As for having gone to a boys school, so will many others, and if he is that way inclined there will be a Gaysoc there too.

Are you suggesting some link between attending a single sex school and being gay?

Wando · 26/08/2015 12:43

I think you've got to let go. I imagine this scenario is being played out in thousands of households at the moment.

Horsemad · 26/08/2015 18:17

Mine can be a bit introverted but he's looking forward to going next month. I'm concerned he'll spend most of his time gaming but there's not a lot I can do about that

Uni is a great halfway house between school and the grown up world, they usually all find their feet within a few weeks.

tunnockt3acake · 26/08/2015 21:33

No need to worry

His choice

Lot of clubs to join

If he is lucky he will meet life long friends

Make great memories

Wando · 26/08/2015 22:02

Some of the best friends in my life I met at university. It's an amazingly exciting time for him. The strong odds are that he will thrive.

Wando · 26/08/2015 22:39

You may be worrying in 3 months time why he is not calling his mum all the time and why he had changed!

Skiptonlass · 26/08/2015 23:15

I reckon he'll be fine. You meet all sorts at uni, that's one of the joys of it. It might take him a term or two to find his feet, but he likely will. If you're quiet and studious, uni is actually a pretty good environment - intellectual, half way between the security of home and the real world. There are a million societies, from the massively outgoing to the quiet and geeky.

All he needs is a few good friends and an inclination to work hard and he'll be fine :)

I feel quite nostalgic now...I was (still am) an introverted geek and I had an absolute blast at uni.

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