Does anyone actually have a perfect relationship?

[DextersMistress]

Where both parties are completely themselves, there's no resentment, no jealousy, you 'get' each other?

We're forever being told we shouldn't change for people but don't all relationships have some degree of compromise?

I'm happy with dp but in an ideal world there are some things I'd like to change, and I'm sure he'd say the same. Is this not normal?

No but i did think there is the perfect relationship i was close to it at one stage but people change over the years (over 23 years and counting) things that were cute or never previously existed cast a spell of gloom over you, I've compromised all i can without changing who i am and will stand my ground and if he doesn't like it he can either change back to who he was until a year or so ago or move out, glad to hear you are still happy and any little niggles gradually work on so they don't become massive problems later in relationship

It depends on the magnitude of what you'd like to change.. Are we talking "oh my god woman why can't you learn to put your keys in the same place every time??" Or more serious stuff?

We aren't the waltons. We bicker a fair bit but we don't really argue. There's no resentment or jealousy and I'd say we were happy.

No ones perfect and you can't really change people on a fundamental level. You can maybe get them to change minor bad habits - what sort of stuff would you like to change?

I am.
Completely myself and don't want him to change and he doesn't wind me up in any way. Never feel need to snipe.

But key factors....we don't live together and both had really shitty marriages previously, so.....you just don't go there again and I know I would and could walk away if at anytime I felt unhappy.

I think we're both completely ourselves, no resentment or jealousy and we very very rarely argue unless it's something huge - but in other ways (untidy, no forward planning skills) he drives me utterly insane - I don't think anyone's perfect but I think you can find someone who drives you less mad than others if your basic morals/ways of operating are the same

I think I am in a perfect relationship. thought sigh.... me n him rub song perfectly, never argue, same opinions on most things, v calm, great physical side, same hobbies/habits.
Then found out he'd lied about an enormous debt the whole time we've been together. It's been months and I'm still trying to get my head round it but fundamentally, I still believe we're perfect and won't give him up... just need to fix this bit and perhaps it'll all be as I thought it was....

I'm sorry to hear that opera

I see threads on here sometimes and the posters problem seems so trivial to me, I'm not in any way dismissing their feelings btw, I just wonder if other people's expectations are unrealistic or whether I've got the wrong idea of a relationship.

Wouldn't say perfect. Wouldn't tempt providence but it's very good.

I know what he doesn't like. Using sharp knives on a glass cutting board. Leaving sharp knives in the washing up bowl etc so I do remember no to do that.

Mostly it's good to very good. We are honest with one another and trust one another . That helps.

can you ever really 'know' someone?

The only thing I would change is my I inlaws as the only friction in my relationship with DP stems from them. When they butt out things are as near to perfect as I can imagine.

I always think when the trivial problems seem to be a huge deal it is a sign that there is a much bigger underlying problem, which often boils down to the fact that the two partners no longer like each other all that much. If you get on really well, just as in a good friendship or a close, loving family, you learn to tolerate minor annoying traits.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 35 years and are very happy, but he is not perfect and neither am I. He hates clutter and finds my procrastinatory tendencies baffling. I find his need to plan the day out in great detail utterly mystifying. He has unbounded energy and likes to be busy all the time. I am the world's greatest expert at timewasting. And so on!

But the bottom line for us is that we get on really, really well. We make each other laugh and we look out for each other. We have the same attitude to money, which I think is a huge help, so no arguments there. So often major stress is the death knell for a relationship, but when we've had difficult times the effect was to bring us closer together.

A lot of this has been luck, some of it has been hard work, a bit of it comes down to having good judgement about each other right back in the beginning. I don't believe in soulmates and 'we were meant to be together'. I think it's just common sense to take your time and be practical over deciding who you want to spend your life with and especially who you want to have children with.

Gasp, totally agree with you.

Well written, good luck in everything.

I do think the perfect relationship exists. Sometimes small chnges have to be made in some occasions but you shouldn't have to change your whole demeanor and self. Dp and I have the relatively perfect relationship we get each other and understand each other. There is definitely no resentment or jealousy in our relationship as wee fully 100% trust each other and aswell if there's a hint of resentment there IMO that means you regret something and you should have any regrets in a relationship it would lead to problems later in if not dealt with. Every relationship has its flaws but that doesn't mean it's not perfect x

Also I find if you can't be comfortable around each other, everyone has a 'silly' side that other people often don't see but if you can't be your full relaxed silly self with dp it normally indicates a lack of confidence with in the relationship. The key is to talk rationally and talk when issues arise never leave issues even small one for a later date as it normally boils to a head in a massive argument x

Every relationship has its flaws but that doesn't mean it's not perfect

I think you're working on a different definition of perfect from me, mummy! I don't believe any relationship is ever without flaws and to expect it to be is setting unrealistically high standards. There will always be problems and things you aren't 100% happy about in your partner. A good relationship is one where the compromises on each side are about relatively minor things and both parties can live with them without resentment.

I think some of us are better at letter things go and not becoming chronically and pathologically angry about all those little things that can just grate on your nerves over the years

I think we're pretty good. We have our ups and downs, especially since DCs.

But part of it is that DH travels a great deal with his job and always has done. We have a lot of time apart. But I tend to think I'd rather be wishing I could see more of him than less of him

I have what you describe broadly, but of course there are small things that I would change. However they are stupidly small. I sometimes get jealous of DH's job because he works for a large company who put on fantastic parties, have facilities in house for all kinds of entertainment, amazing free lunches, and sometimes send him off to exciting destinations. Whereas I work for a small company who wriggle out of ever paying overtime and we are lucky if we get a paid meal at Christmas. But I do love my job, and it's not as though I couldn't look to work in a more affluent company if I wanted to.

The other thing I would change is DH's love of greasy food. He loves to fry things in reams of oil and it stinks and tastes awful. And I don't like the way he washes up. But since he does all of the washing up I don't moan about it. I just close my eyes and dream of the day we get a dishwasher

That's it - that is literally it. There is no resentment, there is no point scoring, we generally support, accept and love one another, don't always 100% understand one another but both willing to work to get to that point.

We do compromise in that I am neater and tidier than I would be on my own and he doesn't eat and cook as much of the greasy stuff as he would if he was alone. He also used to smoke outdoors when he smoked whereas alone he would have happily smoked in the house.

Nope. I'm been very happily married to a great bloke for the last 30 years but our relationship isn't perfect especially when I'm driving and he's giving directions or when I'm cooking and he comes in the kitchen and starts doing the tasting my gravy thing.

I'd say we are 90% perfect. It's good enough for me.

What's your definition of perfect? And how long have people who claim to have the perfect relationship been together? And how many stresses have their relationship been exposed to?

I would think most relationships feel 'perfect' in the early years before children (otherwise no-one would get married!). There is then a dip in happiness due to the stresses of balancing children, work, money, time, personal space, adult time, bereavement, extended family etc etc. But assuming you survive that then there's the survival bias that makes people have pride in the length of their relationship and think they've got something special that made it last that long. There's a lot to throw away by that stage (e.g. DH and I have been together 20 years, and have 3 kids. We met as students and have grown up together. What am I and what he is is so dependant on what we are together as well).

can you ever really 'know' someone?. Of course you can. I've lived with my DH for over 25 years. I'd say I really know him and he really knows me.

Our relationship isn't perfect, but it is perfect for us. Of course we bicker. Of course there are things that piss us both off about each other, but we agree on all the fundamental things. We completely see eye to eye about how to raise our children, we have the same values, we make each other laugh and we get outraged at the same things. After 25 years we genuinely love and respect each other and he is the nicest person I have ever met.

I'm not sure there is a perfect relationship. For one thing, people and family dynamics change. What works one minute changes the next.

But DH and I have been together over 20 years. There is no jealousy or resentment.

DH accepts me for who and what I am. Both my parents did, so I couldn't have a partner who sought to change me.

Obviously, we compromise on small issues and take the piss about niggles.

How much does being so intertwined inhibit individual development and creativity?
Can both partners truly flourish in a relationship? ?

I suppose ythe test of a good relationship is being able to feel you can pull someone up if you need to, without them getting defensive/shirty. That you don't need to do a merry dance to get what you want.

And that you won't need to pull them up that often, and certainly not over central issues. On those you should be braodly in agreement, I think.

I think you can never use perfect as an adjective to describe human relationships.

I don't believe there is such a thing as a perfect marriage.

From the outside people often hold my husband and i up as 'the perfect marriage'

But behind that is lots of hard work...not minding about the niggly things....making sure we put each other first, trying to be happy, trying not to row. etc etc etc. We have been together for 24 years and have one child

I adore him, and couldn't live without him in my life. He adores me and could quite happily live without my mess! He says he doesn't want to live without me.

Do we drive each other crazy? sometimes.

Would I change anything? Not a single thing!