Does anyone actually have a perfect relationship?

[DextersMistress]

Where both parties are completely themselves, there's no resentment, no jealousy, you 'get' each other?

We're forever being told we shouldn't change for people but don't all relationships have some degree of compromise?

I'm happy with dp but in an ideal world there are some things I'd like to change, and I'm sure he'd say the same. Is this not normal?

I don't know what a perfect relationship is but DP and I aren't jealous of one another and we never bicker. I scream at him perhaps twice a year and he sulks at me perhaps twice a year . We are both very loyal and supportive of one another and to the DC (who are loyal and supportive to one another) and have dealt with things like ill parents and bereavement, on both sides.

I know him and he knows me ultra well and we are both big on self-development and push one another and the DC forward, constantly. It's a team job

I wonder how much it helps to grow up in a family where you get good models of how to make a relationship work long-term. My parents have been married very happily for 55 years. My brother is coming up to his silver wedding anniversary, I've been married 33 years and all of my cousins are over the 20-year mark. My aunts and uncles and one set of grandparents all had long marriages. It was similar on my husband's side of the family. I was very struck by reading a comment here a couple of weeks ago from a woman who said she couldn't think of anyone she knew who hadn't got divorced or split up after a few years. Not my experience at all.

Gasp0de I am the same. However divorce in the farming community might be rarer because splitting up the assets (farm) is a disaster.

doesnt it all boil down to the costs and benefits of staying together?

the relative amounts of push and pull factors and how they play out over time

Gasp - I'm sure that being surrounded by good role models of working relationships (and parenting) is immensely helpful. Fortunately, we can also learn from bad experiences and from observing and analysing our contemporaries outside the family sphere. I'm not sure that relationship role models from previous generations or cultures replicate very well in other times and places. Ultimately the families I think "do it best" have invented their own lives, not (unconsciously) copied the lives of others.

Yes, I agree with that too, BoboChic. I remember reading an interview with Janet Thingy who was a Blue Peter presenter and whose daughter is a singer whose name I can't remember. She said her first marriage broke up and she thought one reason was that her own parents had a very happy marriage where they hardly ever rowed, so she had no model of how to cope if things were difficult and perhaps unrealistically high expectations of what marriage would be like. I agree that does make it hard. My parents never, ever row and rarely disagree on anything, so I had to work out for myself how to cope with disagreements.

Interesting. I have friends with strong policies of never disagreeing in front of the DC and always working out their differences in private. We don't hesitate to disagree in front of the DC (or with them) at table and out meal times can get very lively - but we disagree in good humour.

GasP agree with a lot you've said.

I thought I had a "normal" relationship (20yrs) but as I get older and see what happens elsewhere - and some of the horror stories on MN! - I realise I've got it pretty good.

We laugh. We chat. We find each other attractive. We're on the same page with our outlooks (there's things we differ on, but on the big ticket items we're similar). We support each other - we've gone through different stages of who has been the main earner, who has not worked at all etc but we've always thought of these as joint situations. He's a hands on dad. He irons his own clothes. We share house stuff - sometimes I'll do more or he'll do more depending on what else we've got on. There's no jealousy. No fear. No tension. No resentment. And most of all, I've never found our relationship hard work, or so something that has had to be worked on. It's just a natural way of being.

But even after seeing the shite that goes on elsewhere, I still don't feel like I've won some kind of relationship lottery. I think that what I have is just what it should be for everyone.

Thinking back to when I was a child, my parents had a good relationship but there were times I knew others were not "right". I remember my friend telling me her dad wouldn't allow her mum to learn to drive. I must have only been about 8 but some kind of alarm bell went off. I also remember hearing my mum and her friend discussing the friend's husband (prison, violence etc) and the resigned "well what else is there?" tone of the conversation. I think at some basic level, seeing and hearing those kind of things set off some kind of defence mechanism in me. I never had a particular ambition as a child, but I knew that I had a good brain and getting an education would give me options beyond what I was born into. I've always been adamant that I can support myself.

I've had a fair bit of luck in that my children are NT and my husband and I are both in good health and I appreciate just what a difference that makes to your options. But I do strongly believe that if any one particular thing has "saved" me from rotten relationships, it's that I've always believed I'm entitled to a good one and that I'm capable of going it alone rather than being grateful for what I receive.

I'm reading this back and it's very me me me and stinks of smug and I promise you, I'm the least smug person out there, but I hope it's useful to someone maybe wondering if they're just not trying hard enough, or if their relationship would be better if they just changed xyz about themselves and they can maybe stop being so hard on themselves. Hopefully it's come across the way it is intended rather than "I'm so great and you're all doing it wrong"

I've been reassessing my relationship with my husband since we split up last year, and wondering if there were too many compromises, or if I downplayed the negatives because I wanted to think my life was good. But there's a fine line between an acceptable compromise and one that goes too far.

There are comparatively little things such as: I like pets and he doesn't; he put up with me getting pets, and in return I was always the one to look after them. It is now nice not to be with someone who dislikes pets... but I can hardly blame him for it, and he did put up with them.

Then there are bigger things, like the fact that he put his work first, before time spent with his family. I accepted that his work was important to him, and it didn't interfere with my career, as I work from home and was able to do all the childcare. But I resented the amount of time I spent alone, and didn't feel as if he took any steps to make the situation fairer. That would be a red flag to me today; the resentment and the feeling that the compromise was all on my part.

I now realise that I spent a lot of time thinking "well x and y aren't great, but I can't complain as he is a decent, nice person, we don't argue much, life is pleasant, we still fancy one another". Looking back it does seem like I was trying to convince myself. I shouldn't have needed to list all the good things.

I got it, Down! I don't think you're smug but in Britain we're not very good at talking openly about things going well without somebody less fortunate taking it as a personal slight.

Yes I think I have a perfect relationship though it is my third marriage and his second. We have been married for nearly 27 years and have 5dc and 9dgc between us.
We have total mutual respect and love all our assets are shared.

ravenmum
I now realise that I spent a lot of time thinking "well x and y aren't great, but I can't complain as he is a decent, nice person, we don't argue much, life is pleasant, we still fancy one another". Looking back it does seem like I was trying to convince myself. I shouldn't have needed to list all the good things.

That's really insightful. When my cousin split with her long term partner she said she didn't actually realise how unhappy she was until after they split because although she knew things weren't "right" she put it down to her being too picky and she thought everyone else's relationship was the same (he was a horror - so glad she's rid of him!).

To me, the problem with relationships isn't disagreement, it's an inability to resolve disagreement. In my experience, couples who never disagree are either 1. secretly oppressive 2. startlingly boring in the sense that they have no interest or passion that could ever lead to disagreement or 3. not that close in reality (this can go with number 2). Most of the great and strong couples I know go have some disagreements, but they have really quick and effective ways of resolving these where both parties feel 'heard'. It's when you have ineffective or oppressive resolution that problems and resentments start to creep in.

I think it really, really matters to be close, and to be absolutely genuine and honest with each other. That's as much about the small things as the big one - it's about developing a kind of mini-culture between you where everything is on the table and transparent. Including your phones, email accounts, bank accounts social media, whatever.

That's as much about the small things as the big one - it's about developing a kind of mini-culture between you where everything is on the table and transparent. Including your phones, email accounts, bank accounts social media, whatever

that makes sense, although personally I just don't like that degree of 'enmeshment' maybe some people are just not cut out for full time partnerships?

We are no way near perfect. But we are both reasonably content both with our separate lives and also with the life we've built together, which helps.

I've never met anyone who I like more than him and vice versa. We work hard at communicating and apologising when we realise we have been unreasonable.

Ultimately he is a very, very decent man and that reassures me.

I can foresee difficult conversations in the future when it comes to settling. We are from countries at opposite ends of the world, so there will always be some degree of compromise.

suzanne - You've made me reassess what I wrote as too narrow. Maybe it's just different for everyone. Sometimes I think it's almost aesthetic, or creative: that what you're doing is making choices that build a life together that expresses your values and commitments. whatever they are. And that is always to some extent an ongoing process of negotiation and ongoing choices that need to be constantly made and remade if they're not to go stale.

I mean, maybe we all define happiness differently. I bet if you asked all of us what we would see as a 'perfect' relationship, you'd get a wide range of answers. They might all be roughly the same colour, but they could be quite different shades of it. As you say, I'm very enmeshed and focused on monogamy but there are other people on the board who are very anti-monogamy and who find their joy in multi-person relationships. And I guess that's a good thing.

Nope ours nor perfect by any means
.....but we are totally committed to the on going cause ( our relationship our children)
and always considerate

I don't believe that they do.

It may look perfect on Facebook but the reality is most relationships have their ups and downs.

I'm not sure why phones and email accounts should be transparent - I really couldn't be bothered to read DP's email or phone and I'm sure he feels the same about me. We both have lots of conversations with other people and tell one another anything important.

Facebook is hilarious.(sad) ..especially when you have the real life story behind the pics people post of their 'perfect ' lives
Don't be fooled

I wasn't alluding to poly amoury Shove (if thats what you thought I meant) more that some people prefer to be alone for much of the time and find it tiring and intrusive to be in a full time partnership

Or is that just me :o ?

My DD has just met a man who seems to be everything she was looking for. She says things like " It just seems so easy" and " we agree on everything important". She is a bit taken aback at how effortless the relationship is after previous BFs. I think when you meet someone who is a good fit with you the whole thing feels right. But if you have never felt it you don't know it's missing!
Fingers crossed it works out for her

nobody is perfect

no relationship is perfect

enjoy the good times

take comfort if you have people to help you through the bad times

compromise

treat others as you would like to be treated

be kind to yourself

someones ideas of perfection maybe someone elses idea of not their perfect way of life

if you are unhappy make positive changes to improve

We just focus our relationship on the two of us, then the children, then friends and family.. We have fun as a family and as a couple..
There are external stressors and situations which no couple can control, but we DO NOT allow friends/family to dictate or affect our family unit..
We made a promise to one another and no friends however old are more important than the marriage and family unit..

We have goals as a couple and as a family, some are short term, some are mid term and some are long term..
Conflict resolution, we've both learned something from each other and even if we fail to be mindful of our words, we reflect, apologise and forgive..
We build trust and talk which means talking during the day and at the end of the day and we are open and communicate, we respect each other so if we go out with friends we don't come home paralytic and we come home when we say we will..

In my life experience nothing beats the security of the family unit and the love and enjoyment shared between the family and as a couple, she's my best friend..