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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he just not love me?

29 replies

RollerGirl7 · 22/08/2015 13:10

I'm in the situation of having 2 kids with a guy who says he wants to get married but has yet not popped the question.

Been together 6 years, finances are good. Quite happy, few argue ends but no-one has cheated and it is generally agreed that we will get married, we've had conversations about the type of wedding, honeymoon, etc. he is quite traditional and would be embarrassed and never forgive me if i asked him. He just won't ask me, he's always buying himself expensive guitars, spending couple of thousand so money for a ring isn't an issue.

Only issue in our relationship, and a much bigger issue really is that we don't have sex. He's not the usual cold unfeeling guy that you think of when someone says they don't have sex, we hold hand, cuddly, sleep lying together but there is nothing sexual about it. We're a bit little 12 year olds in that way. We hardly ever kiss, every day we will give each other a peck when he leaves the house but we won't snog or have a proper kiss, it's been so long I think I'd be a bit embarrassed to do that now.

Last time we had sex was April, it usually happens app 3 times a year, maybe an anniversary or birthday as we feel we should but this year our birthdays came and went and we just didn't get round to it.

This makes me feel awful. Does he not live me anymore? Are we just friends? Does he just not fancy me?

I'm not awful looking, I'm no super model but average height, size 10/12 and prettyish. I try to make an effort for him, e.g wearing nice matching underwear, the other day I got into bed like this but he literally ignored me and went to make us tea before we went to sleep.i can't help thinking a normal sex life would have been him wanting to have sex with me a couple of times a week. I'm so conscious after all the rejection that I never instigate sex, I would feel embarrassed like he might say no.

Please help this is the only place the relationship falls down, I don't really want to leave him but sometimes I find myself fantasising about cheating (I never would actually do it) but it would be nice to be wanted by a man again.

What can I do to get some spark back? Bearing in mind I'm a bit conscious and embarrassed and he seems to have no sex drive. Although I believe he does want porn sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollerGirl7 · 22/08/2015 13:10

Help or thoughts would be appreciated Sad

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner · 22/08/2015 13:27

I'm really sorry to hear you are upset about this, it's horrible when the person you love doesn't appear or need intimacy. You say it only normally happens about 3 times a year, has it always been like that ? When you do dtd is he enthusiastic or does he give the impression of wanting to get it over with ? You have 2 dcs, is he the father ? has your sex life ever been frequent ?

Original poster
RollerGirl7 · 22/08/2015 13:32

Yes yes the father, in the beginning, first year, it was what I'd call a normal sex life, at least 1/2 week. He lost his job, got a bit stressed and it slowed to pretty much nothing. He got a new job almost straight away but that's when our sex life dived and it's never recovered. I know stress can have a huge impact but he's not stressed now that was years ago, it's like now he's in the habit of not wanting it.

To get pregnant I had to be very determined, I'm very fertile so it happened straight away both times, first time I took him away for a weekend, next dc was concieved over my birthday. Both times I could pressure him almost into having sex as its to be expected that we would.

Recently though it's gone even further downhill, we went away for a weekend as a couple and didn't even have sex (surely that's not normal?) I can picture us, if we do ever get married, not having sex on the wedding night or during the honeymoon at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollerGirl7 · 22/08/2015 13:33

The sex is good when we have it, although I really remember last time it was a bit awkward as if had been about 6 months since the last time and we both had seemed to forget what the other one likes. I do sense tho that he feels obligated to have sex if ever we do, at least at first.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 22/08/2015 13:40

Your problem here is that he uses porn but doesn't want sex with you. You need to be open with him saying that's not right and you don't feel appreciated sexually. If he'll accept what you're saying he should consider counselling.

wafflyversatile · 22/08/2015 13:44

Have you ever tried to talk to him about it? There is no way round this without talking to each other.

TheStoic · 22/08/2015 13:47

Unfortunately the only person who can answer your questions is your partner.

You need to fight the discomfort and awkwardness and talk to him.

Original poster
RollerGirl7 · 22/08/2015 13:50

We've tried talking, last time I found porn, it wasn't anything weird and although I'm not overly happy about the porn industry in general I can accept it, or would if he had sex with me too, since the last time I found porn (prob 18 months ago) he said that we will both make more of an effort to have sex as he does want to, etc. he says he wants to do what he can to fix the relationship but he would probably refuse counselling as would be embarrassed. If I have him an ultimatum he would probably go.

I don't think he watches a lot of porn he's not in the house on his own that often but I could be wrong.

While the rest of our relationship is good I feel like I'm causing a problem to bring this up out of nowhere

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 22/08/2015 13:53

Well in that case then, you need to say, things haven't changed, we need to get some help or I can't see us carrying on.

TheStoic · 22/08/2015 14:12

Your relationship is almost completely devoid of intimacy. You don't have sex, and you can't make yourself vulnerable enough even to bring up the subject.

Would he be willing to speak to a third party about it? A counsellor?

kittensinmydinner · 22/08/2015 14:15

Is there any chance he could be gay OP ? If not you have two choices, swallow your embarrassment and force a direct conversation about it, and don't underplay how important it is to you. if he doesn't change, leave . Or decide you can live in a marriage without sex for ever more. Some can but most cannot.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 22/08/2015 14:17

i wouldn't be happy with this situation.
i would call it a day. life's too short.

Cabrinha · 22/08/2015 14:23

You talk like it's one small thing missing but it is the only thing that makes him a husband not a friend.

Never marry a man that:

  1. Doesn't want sex with you
  2. You can't bring that up with

Seriously - you'd marry a man who you can't talk to about it, who says he'll sort it but - oh, not if he actually has to do something like counselling Confused

(Btw you're not "very fertile" you were lucky to get pregnant first time twice, but actually a large number of women do)

Original poster
RollerGirl7 · 22/08/2015 14:51

Thanks for the advice, I'll have a talk with him tonight and give him an ultimatum re counselling if I have to.

I thought fertile would be a quick and easy way to say I get pregnant very easily, only twice have I had sex without birth control and got pregnant (intentionally) both times, so no offence meant with the world fertile.

Thanks for the advise, I'm not sure that I would leave him over this as some people have said they would, even if it means we do only have sex 3 times a year, but I am definitely keen to put the effort in to get it back to a normal sex life if we can

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 22/08/2015 14:55

But do you think he prefers porn to sex?

springydaffs · 22/08/2015 15:01

You sound like his mum. He's got the whole domestic setup down to a T - with his MUM. He shows no sign at all of proposing - why should he, he's got it all with no effort.

I'm really surprised you'd put up with this soul-destroying situation, much less want to marry him. Why would you want to marry someone who puts precisely zero effort into your relationship? Confused

BocaDeTrucha · 22/08/2015 15:10

Interesting that seems quite acceptable here for a woman to say she pressured her dp into sex but if this were the other way round, it would be LTB. I understand what you mean, op, but the double standard is incredible.

springydaffs · 22/08/2015 15:23

Ffs Boca. What kind of non-comment is that.

If you want to embed it in a constructive post then by all means do.

BocaDeTrucha · 22/08/2015 15:29

Just an observation, nothing else. I can see where op is coming from I'm just trying to imagine if a man had said the same thing.

I didn't realise all comments had to be constructive.

Original poster
RollerGirl7 · 22/08/2015 15:34

I know what you mean boca I did think about putting persuaded. But often I think it is pressuring, and prob a big manipulative, e.g it's hard not to show disappointment or sulk after yet another failed attempt to create some intimacy. Not great and it wouldn't be taken well if a man had said it but I'm only human so won't always do the right thing and when taken in context don't think it amounts to abuse.

OP posts:
BocaDeTrucha · 22/08/2015 15:42

That's why I said I know what you meant, maybe just the choice of words struck me.

Do you have any type of intimacy at all with him? Holding hands, cuddling up to watch a film or anything? When you talk to him about it, what reasons does he give? I know dp and I don't have as much sex as either of us would like but that's just down to me being lazy. But we are both very are affectionate with each other all the time.

Original poster
RollerGirl7 · 22/08/2015 16:12

We are both try affectionate, lots of kissing (just pecks on the lips tho, and lots of cuddling) I suppose it's the whole I know he loves me but is he still in love with me situation.

He doesn't say much, says he'll change and make more effort but he doesn't. I don't either to be honest, I'm not saying it's all his fault, we both need to be less lazy and make more effort.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 22/08/2015 16:15

OP, what is the financial set up here? Do you rent or own, whose name is on the lease/mortgage? Being unmarried you are very financially vulnerable if he decides he's going to walk away.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/08/2015 16:25

But it's not about pressuring it's finding out the reasons why he is what he is. 3 times a year? Come on-it's either the porn or he's gay or something else.

kittensinmydinner · 22/08/2015 16:37

It doesn't always have to be porn or gay - it can be simply that he has a very low sex drive and can't be bothered to 'make the move' - many women (me amongst them during last marriage - just went off it. Had to MAKE my self because I realised my self imposed celibacy was not fair on then DH) sadly I didnt/couldn't keep it up for long and we eventually split. We had become mates and there was no way back. Hope you can prevent this by having a proper discussion about the situation before it's too late.