Am I expecting too much from In-Laws?

[popeye123]

where do I start...?
InLaws are both in late 60s/early 70s. My DD (12mths) is first grandchild. MIL is really step-MIL and never had children of her own but has been married to FIL since DH was teenager.
See DD every 2-3 mths, lead very busy lives (of their choosing) e.g go on mini breaks all the time.
Just drove 2 hrs to see us this weekend. Went for 2 hour walk/shopping on Sats by themselves. Feels like they play with DD briefly then retreat behind a pile of newspapers. MIL only seems to play with DD when she is handed to her. I could understand that they may find DD tiring but they don't even seem to look up from papers when DH and I play with DD.
Never offer to do anything with DD or for us. Never changed a nappy, never fed her, never said why don't you two go for a walk, why don't you two go back to bed....?
IF they played with her lots but did nothing for us then I'd accept that, if they did things for us but found it too tiring to play with her then again that would be something, BUT they don't, and I don't really know why they bother!!!!!
They have only bought her a couple of small things ever, didn't bring anything this time - so again, if they spoilt her with pressies that would be something....
They do make all the right cooing noises (but a bit like a stuck record). They like to take photo's to stick in an album probably just to show off to their friends.
I'm really starting to resent them - I know as a Mum I find it hard to take my eyes off of DD and I shouldn't expect the same from others but they hardly see her yet complete half a dozen crosswords while she's at their feet.
They are her only Grandparents, we have no family nearby so they know we never get time to ourselves or have a break.
I don't want to ask them anything directly because I will explode and I don't want to hear any pathetic excuses which will upset me more.
Don't know if I can keep on biting my lip as this is causing arguments between myself and DH. He doesn't seem to mind/notice/care and as far as they are concerned he won't say anything just for a quiet life (she's s very sulky person and everyone treads on eggshells around her).

Am i expecting too much - what are Grandparents "supposed" to do?

Think I needed to rant more than anything !

tis a hard one for you but if they have n't been round small children for a long time it can be hard for them to knowe what to do. I know from experience this knind of interaction can be hurtful to you as a mum. 5 years down the line they do (my inlaws ( same set up as you) more hands on stuff and pay for some activities, I found it easy if i expected little from them then I could be pleasently surprised hth

Poor you! This must make you really frustrated, angry and upset. All I can think of is that maybe because she's never had children of her own she doesn't really know what its like to have a baby and what it demands of you. Also, she probably doesn't know what to do with her in terms of play etc and maybe your FIL is just taking her lead. Perhaps it would be worth asking when they come to see her again how they would feel if you left dd with them for a couple of hours? Just approach it really calmly and try to be fine with it if they say no - then come back on mn and have another rant!!
I must admit I expect a lot more from both sets of grandparents, both of whom are willing available to babysit whenever and my mum helps out for two days a week when I work and does lots when she's here. I never ask them to do more than they are comfortable or capable of doing though. HTH

thanks for replying so soon - feeling pretty fed up right now and avoiding DH.

to be honest, i don't want them to look after DD, at least when I'm not around. They haven't exactly given me any confidence that they'll be OK. On the other hand, I don't HAVE to leave the house. Someone to keep an eye on her while I have a bath would be a HUGE change!

there's alot of other issues bubbling beneath the surfice...I'm sure MIL is insecure (has gotten competative in the past that she doesn't get much sleep either..?!?!?) and I suppose there is an nagging doubt that my DD will remind FIL of when DH was young and of now deceased MIL...How to I deal with that ! I can't can I?!?!

I have tried to drop hints at how tiring life with a baby can be and they know DH works all hours but they really don't seem interested. Even overheard them saying they thought I wanted my old life back?!?! Totally missed the point. They seem to think this is my life/baby/job, shut up and get on with it. They just come to coo and thats all they are required to do. So this is obviously MY problem, I'm expecting too much.

AND of course, there's the issue of my Mum. Again, no longer with us who would have been on my doorstep all the time, swept DD up in her arms and I wouldn't have gotten a look in. DH thinks THAT is the problem and therefore I am blaming PILs too much and nothing can be done. Yes - they do make me miss her more but this IS about them not her.

I'm honestly trying not to expect anything from them but now MIL seems to be getting funny with me (insecure again?) - making snide comments e.g overheard her commenting on how much I was eating... SO this is now getting personal!

I think she probably doesn't get it. Could you maybe start offering suggestions - "do you fancy taking DD to the park/for a walk, while I just get on with X?" or something like that.

well this is imo....but I would say compared to how dh & I are with both sets of gp's you are expecting to much. Sure both sets have babysat for dd for a few hours over the last 18 months BUT thats all. Every other week we visit both sets and spend a hour or so with them and dd and it suits us fine..!

My parents have offered many times to take dd out to give us a break and especially as I;m a sahm and now 7 months pregnant mum always offers to help out with dd BUT its not what dh or I want. Maybe this will change once ds2b arrives in Jan..who knows.

I suppose its down to individual choice and although the set up you have would be ideal for us I totally understand that its not for everyone.
BTW when boths gp's see dd they do play and interact with her BUT there are occasions when they don't iykiwm.

I would suggest you have a word with them and maybe suggest they get more involved..?? How about when they visit you arrange a night out and ask if they minded babysitting.??? Or say you wanted to do something with your dh and wanted to leave dd in their care for a hour or so..? Maybe they think you are coping and don;'t want to "take over"..? Like I said, I would prefer how your il's are being because at times both sets of gp's make comments on how we are with dd and (my parents)constantly ask if they can do things with her...All in good time I say...

Go on broach the subject with them.

mourn the lossof teh grandparents you expected / wanted for your dd and try to find other ways of ahving support have you tried homestart so you can have abath while someone else watches the baby.
Ignore your MIL and try to build a life without them so if tehy are there it is more on your terms and not based on expectations.

btw forgot to say dd, is now in the "terrible 2's" and dh only really noticed it last weekend along with my il's, mainly due to him working long hours...BUT fil commented to dh later on "I don't know how x copes with your dd as she's a live wire and x must struggle now she's gone 7 months". BUT no offer of help....BUT although the lack of offer does upset me I wouldn't want it anyway.!! Im only 100% happy when dd is in my or dh's care. But thats another thread .

hmm it's difficult when two families with different understandings of what family means come together. i would say i'm in the opposite position, my family is fairly distanced, enjoy each other's company when we see each other, but few expectations of help (mainly due to physical distance). while my mil comes from a large family who all lived nearby and that is what she would like with us (unfortunately for her they live 60 miles away). however, this suits me fine, as i would see what she considers normal family interaction as interfering. not because we don't get on, but we have different experiences and expectations of family life.

but i think you should be able to meet in some middle ground eventually (although the early months can be over emotionally charged ime). i agree that someone who's never had her own children, and presumably with barely any experience of small kids, shouldn't be expected to a) know what to do with a small child or b) understand the pressures on new parents. and possibly, given his generation, your fil may have similarly little experience of babies. i would say that as she gets older they may find it easier to interact with her naturally, but there's nothing to stop you giving them a gentle push now. just what you said - ask if they could keep an eye while you have a bath, so you don't have to worry about leaving her entirely in tehir care if you doubt it.

i think it's a bit much to expect them to know what to do, without spelling out what you'd like (if they then refuse you may have reason to complain). i also think your animosity towards them is a little out of proportion and perhaps as your husband suggests, reflects how much you miss your mum, which is completely understandable and forgiveable, but try to make an effort to separate that issue from the perceived shortcomings of your inlaws.

inlaws can take well to training ime, if you stand together as a couple and try to make allowances and compromises yourself, while making your wishes and non-negotiable rules clear.

My inlaws are quite distant as well, have babysat for us about 4 or 5 times in the last 2.5 yrs they don't really play with dd either although fil is better than mil.

My parents are the exact opposite, very overbearing and in your face. Fortunately they live 250 miles away but the contrast makes pil look worse iyswim.

pil have got significantly better since dd turned 2 though. When she was a baby they left me to it and didn't even really hold her when we visited, now they will play with her for short periods and will occasionally bath her, put her to bed etc. things might get a bit easier as your dd gets older.

Your dd is not your IL's responsibility at all. They are not obliged to babysit, change her nappy, take her for a walk and by you assuming that this their role I can understand why tensions are simmering. To drive 2 hours to see you shows a huge amount of commitment. Children that age are hardly a barrel of non stop entertainment so I quite understand why they may want to go shopping in between. The lack of babysitter is hardly their problem and one you should not look to them to solve. You should just accept them for the people that they are, active busy and sociable, rather than expecting them to give you a break as that's between you and your dp. My brother had a child before me who I only saw once or twice a year. When I did I have to admit to being extremely uncomfortable with knowing what to do with a child. If they had turned round and said that as her Aunt it was my obligation to change nappies, babysit and play with her I'd have told them to take a running jump. My level of commitment was to visit every now and again, apart from that I didnt feel that anything else was my responsibility.

Unfortunately you can't force people to be interested in babies - some people just do not find babies and toddlers interesting, even when they are related! On the other hand, some people are great with small kids and awful with older ones.

I think you have to accept your pils for what they are, and be grateful that they are at least making the committment to seeing their grandchild. You may find they get more interested as the child gets older.

Remember too that you may be fighting the same battle in the opposite direction when your DD is older and doesn't wish to visit the GPs...

Message withdrawn

Crikey - well, I did ask for it didn't I !

Probably should have mentioned that lack of involvement/experience with children doesn't stop them giving advice!

Well the answer seems to be YES , I am expecting too much. I suppose I just feel my DD deserves more. Gothicmama hit the nail on the head, I probably am mourning the loss of the GPs I wanted and Yes, even the GPs I thought they would be.

Yes - I should be grateful that they do make some sort of effort, No - I can't expect them to be mind readers, Yes - Its good they live far enough away not to be in our hair all the time.

I need to have a plan of attack for the next visit. Be more in control one way or another.

Thankyou everyone for saying it how it is. Really appreciate it even if you all didn't say what I wanted to hear ! (but she still IS a dried up old cow )

xxxx

It's unclear to me from your posts just what you are expecting, tbh.

Grandparents get much better with grandkids as the grandkids get better. When my DS1 (the first grandchild for the ILs) was one, they didn't know what to do with him. And I absolutely wouldn't have left my ILs in charge of him. Now DS1 is 5, and he's spent a week staying with them.

I think you should try talking through what you want and how you feel with your DH, and think about what you want from your ILs and how achievable that is.

Agree with nqc - work out what are your priorities in the relationship and take it from there.

I think you are missing your mother - it must be really tough for you and throw up all sorts of emotions.

However, re your IL's, to give you a point of comparison, My Dad (70) is much better with DS now that he is a toddler, but certainly didn't change nappies and didn't hold him until he was well out of the the little baby stage. I still can't really imagine leaving him in sole charge of DS (who is 3) My IL's are much more hands on, by chance DH's step dad is an absolutely brilliant grandfather. However, I wouldn't really expect him to have any relationship with his step grandchildren if he didn't initiate it - I think alot of the reason he is such a good grand father is that he was quite a hands on father, but if he had no experience of children I wouldn't expect him to suddenly know how to handle them.

Anyway, the main point that I was hoping to come around to is that having a relationship with a baby or a young toddler is very much a practical thing which some people are good at and some people aren't. Later on, you can have a relationship with a child who has interests and can hold a conversation. But some people just don't 'do' babies.

Of course I must be missing my Mum, I'm aware she's not here but I'm not crying about it - I've had to get used to life without her. BUT if she was still alive it wouldn't matter what my PILs did. But she's not and they know it - they also know that they are DD's only GPs and that MIL has struck gold in being the only GM when she had no children of her own.
totally agree that some people aren't good with babies but not when its my baby. while I'm being expected to cut them some slack what about my DD? Surely she's missing out on what should be a very special relationship and needs more than 1hr of their undivided attention whenever they feel like it every 3mths? They aren't exactly spring chickens you think they'd make the most of it and get over themselves.
I'm having to teach myself how to be a mum, DH to be a Dad do I really have to teach them to be GPs aswell!
My FIL was a very hands on Dad as DH got older and if you heard the advice he churns out he knows it all... but he's all talk.

As far as what I think my priorities are....I suppose I just want them to spend some time with her...not loads, not every week just to spend more time with her then they do reading papers and going shopping when they are here. I want them to WANT to be with her. I want her to have some sort of relationship with them. At the moment she gets more attention from strangers when I go shopping!
I really didn't think my expections were that high?!?!?

I'm obviously just having a rant and probably sound very unreasonable because I feel very emotional and haven't really joined up all my feelings and thoughts. No relationships are straight forward, all have history - too much to include on here. I'm particulalry fed up right now because I feel protective towards DD and also because relationship with MIL has changed in general. I don't know why she never had children and I do sense some resentment towards me. I don't know if she feels me having a child has belittled her life somehow.. hard to explain . Also feel that DD is dragging up the past somehow. I feel that FIL is also aware of this, acts like he's treading on eggshells around her and possibly holding back because of it. Any natural conversations about DH as a baby are avoided/brief as if to avoid mentioning his Mum.
I don't know - give up, too much bubbling away on both sides to know what the hells going on.

Next time, they can do what they like and I'll give them their 1-2 hrs with DD and for the rest of the weekend I'll just get on with things so I don't have witness their apathy.

I can completely understand your frustration, esp the inevitable comparison with how your mum would have been, and very sorry that she isn't still around.

I think you are right, though - you do need to teach them how to be good GPs. They have no basis for comparison, I would be tempted to start pushing the envelope a bit "hey dd, let's take such-and-such a toy to show grandma" etc. (Once she can walk, this can be done without your assistance ). Force them into interacting with her.

I do think as she gets older and - forgive me - more interesting (my ds is 17 months) they will begin to want to interact with her more, I don't think you should take it as a lack of interest on their behalf that they don't spend all their time playing with her.

I also totally understand your frustration about these people turning up when you are desperate for a break. Push it here as well - suggest they take her for a walk, they don't have to go to the swings or anything, just a walk in the buggy.

FWIW, my FIL has never met ds, only the second grandchild ever and the first in 15 years. I've met him once, when heavily pregnant. He never mentioned the baby, or me, at all, and went away after 90 mins, never to be seen (or virtually heard from) again. THAT pisses me off.

The taking photos thing is another pet peeve of mine, my MIL does that, to the exclusion of actually doing anything with ds. He's like a little papparazzi baby. Fortunately now he is more likely to make a beeline for the camera to try and wreck it so she is easing off

i think i get you!

my 2 sons are the most wonderful, fantastic, amazing and fab children in the universe. everything they do is funny and shows how clever and amazing they are and as far as i am concerned, everyone should be fighting each other to get close to them, everyone should be telling me how great my children are and hugging and kissing them. all people should be admiring my children at all times and should be willing - nay, desperate - to climb mountains for them.

This is because i am POTTY about my children and i see no reason why everyone else - especially relatives - should feel any differently!!

but in reality - nobody owes me or my kids anything and i have no right to expect anyone - even if they are related, to help me out in any way - my child, my job!! and i CERTAINLY cannot get snotty if they dont choose to babysit / buy my kids as much as i think they should. they're under no obligation to!

my mum and dad wont have my boys on their own (they are scared of them because they are autistic!!!!) they have my neice to stay over, but wont have my boys, they take my niece to the seaside, but wont take my boys... and it used to hurt, but i've come to accept that they just dont want to - and that is their absolute right - they are not their children and they owe them nothing.

your family is you, your partner and your child(ren). that's your unit. everyone else is a visitor and under no obligation to help you with anything.

AND. should be told to mind their own business when they start with the 'advice'!!!

Do you know why your mil never had kids of her own..? Who knows..maybe she couldn;t have them..? Then obviously being in this situation is something she wasn't prepared for. When she started a relationship with your fil I;m sure she didn't ask if he had kids or maybe she didn't ask if his kids wanted kids iykwim. Quite a personal and touchy subject imo.

We have friends (not mega close) who have had around 10 mc's...I know the time we see then (around twice a year) its hard for them. We have what they so desperatly want. BUT I would never expect anything more from them than what they already do. Having had mc's myself I know how hard it is esp when dh & I at one stage thought we would never have our own family.

It sounds like a little resentment that your mil is still around yet your own mother isn't and you know your own mother would have been totally different with dd. That must be hard for you..but I really wouldn't push your dd onto them if they want to keep that distance..Maybe time will allow them to come around and if not then relax..Like others have said, I would rather dd have a loving and nice relationship than a forced one which may happen if you push to hard.

Yeah sure relationship with il's are hard..aftre all they are NOT your own parents. Believe me I have been there, done that and things are still awkward with my il's BUT its life and something I deal with x2 a month when its visiting time.

Don't forget it's your dd and not theirs. My garndparents never looked aftre me or my sister or other cousins for that fact..why..?? Because they had "done their time of bring up their own kids and these grandchildren where now their own kids responsability".Maybe its also a generational thing..???
All I know if it's not worth harbouring such bad feelings about.

Popeye, I'm struck by your comment that your MIL has "struck gold". Maybe she doesn't particularly like babies, or even kids? You can't automatically expect her to appreciate your DD. Yes, she reads the paper, and goes shopping, when she comes to see you - she leads a normal life.

There are often mums on here complaining that their MIL is always chasing after her grandkids, and is a giant hassle and won't ever leave them in peace.

As your DD becomes less of a baby, your MIL (and FIL) may grow to appreciate her more, and may interact with her more. Or they may not. But there's no point in being annoyed at them about it, either way. They're not doing it to annoy anyone.

Popeye, my situation is different as DH's parents are dead and my parents, as well as divorced, live too far away to get involved. I do find it irritating when other mums brag or moan about their MIL who does childcare, lends a hand financially, the PIL who drives 3 hours to put up a shelf, and so on. But it doesn't happen for everyone, and this help isn't always appreciated. In fact I sometimes wonder if these mums realise how childish they sound. You might not like this, but I think your PILs are being honest about their involvement. Not everyone wants to do babysitting or coo over babies, when they're not their own. It doesn't mean they don't love your DD -they're just not her parents.

Popeye, I do empathise as I am in a similar situation in that my mother is dead and much as I love my MIL I can't help but realise that I would have been able to call on my own mother much more.

But I also realise that she would have felt a freedom to butt in which my MIL does not; your own daughter's children are, in some mysterious way, different. I have no idea why this should be so with daughters but not with sons, but my MIL is much more bossy and hands-on with her daughters' kids than with her sons, conversely my father is much more hands on with my baby.

Have you considered that your MIL and FIL may be feeling a bit uncertain about boundaries and are waiting for a kind of "permission" from you to act? Perhaps, as other posters have suggested, a direct invitation from you to take DD to the park may be what they are waiting for.

popeye- i really miss my mum too. i never really knew her, she died when i was 9 after a long battle with cancer. since having dd 6 months ago i think about my mum more than i ever have done. and i think about the relationship that i never had with her and the relationship dd will never have with her grandma.

as much as you say you are frustrated with your ILs for not being the grandparents to your dd that you want them to be, i think this is about your own mother, that she can't be the grandmother you want her to be. it's like dd doesn't get a relationship with your mother, and she doesn't get one with your ILs, so it makes it even worse.

i hope you find a way to make things work with your ILs.

I totally understand the way the in-laws can niggle at you, then start to annoy you and irritate you, and then tensions rise.BUT I have to agree with puppydavies. You just have different ideas about family and they are actually doing nothing wrong.
My MIL is SO overbearing and lives down the road, so I canT really escape. When she visits, I can hardly get a look in with my DD. She wont hand her over when shes crying and obviously I can calm the baby quickly because I know her better. Its okay now, 9 weeks down the line, but when I was a new hormonal mu@m, I was ready to really fall out with her about it. On the other hand, she is more than willing to help out practially (babysitting, did my washing up and brought food after the birth, buys loads of prezzies for DD). But I would much prefer the kind of distant relationship that your in-laws favour. If we swapped husbands our in-laws would have the perfect daughter in law. As it happens, were stuck with people who have different ideas to us, but it this thread has made me realise that my MIL is not really doing anything wrong. And neither are yours.
You need to find a middle ground. Ask the mIL, to just hold her while I... and make it clear you wouldnt mind` if they got more involved. In my case, I have somehow made it clear that it was not okay to visit me without calling first, and I make a point to visit her or invite her on a Sunday, so I feel I have control over the contact (rather than her taking over all the time, doing what she wants, and me feeling resentful)