Am I expecting too much from In-Laws?

[popeye123]

where do I start...?
InLaws are both in late 60s/early 70s. My DD (12mths) is first grandchild. MIL is really step-MIL and never had children of her own but has been married to FIL since DH was teenager.
See DD every 2-3 mths, lead very busy lives (of their choosing) e.g go on mini breaks all the time.
Just drove 2 hrs to see us this weekend. Went for 2 hour walk/shopping on Sats by themselves. Feels like they play with DD briefly then retreat behind a pile of newspapers. MIL only seems to play with DD when she is handed to her. I could understand that they may find DD tiring but they don't even seem to look up from papers when DH and I play with DD.
Never offer to do anything with DD or for us. Never changed a nappy, never fed her, never said why don't you two go for a walk, why don't you two go back to bed....?
IF they played with her lots but did nothing for us then I'd accept that, if they did things for us but found it too tiring to play with her then again that would be something, BUT they don't, and I don't really know why they bother!!!!!
They have only bought her a couple of small things ever, didn't bring anything this time - so again, if they spoilt her with pressies that would be something....
They do make all the right cooing noises (but a bit like a stuck record). They like to take photo's to stick in an album probably just to show off to their friends.
I'm really starting to resent them - I know as a Mum I find it hard to take my eyes off of DD and I shouldn't expect the same from others but they hardly see her yet complete half a dozen crosswords while she's at their feet.
They are her only Grandparents, we have no family nearby so they know we never get time to ourselves or have a break.
I don't want to ask them anything directly because I will explode and I don't want to hear any pathetic excuses which will upset me more.
Don't know if I can keep on biting my lip as this is causing arguments between myself and DH. He doesn't seem to mind/notice/care and as far as they are concerned he won't say anything just for a quiet life (she's s very sulky person and everyone treads on eggshells around her).

Am i expecting too much - what are Grandparents "supposed" to do?

Think I needed to rant more than anything !

I can totally understand the feeling that your dd is the most precious person in the world to you, and as such, you feel that her other relatives should feel exactly the same about her, but in reality this isn?t always the case for many reasons. I also think that when our children are babies it?s harder to accept that other people aren?t interested in them, because at that age they?re so vulnerable and contact has to be initiated from the other person iyswim, but as the ?baby? grows up, they are capable of initiating their own contact, and the relationship can be formed by the child as opposed to the other person. My fil appeared to have no interest in ds when he was a baby. He didn?t talk to him, didn?t react when he was playing, didn?t do anything, but as ds got older, Fil began to show much more interest in him, and I realize now that he just didn?t know how to interact with a baby who couldn?t communicate with him. Now they have a good relationship, albeit they only see one another every three months or so. But similarly my sil showed no interest in ds either, and I resented that bitterly, esp considering she made such a fuss when we came to visit and I dared take ds off her when he was crying. But with time I?ve realized that actually, she has no maternal instincts. She comes round maybe once a year, bosses ds around for the time she is here and then leaves. But ds is now old enough to make his own decisions, and he doesn?t like her at all and almost refuses to interact with her. And so while it?s impossible to force someone to have a relationship with your child, from the other perspective I don?t feel that I should have to force ds to have a relationship with an auntie who he has no connection with.

If your ILs stay that detached, your dd will ultimately make up her own mind about whether she wants a relationship with them or not ? you can?t d that for her.

Popeye ... you have my sympathies. My parents are brilliant grandparents but sadly live on the other side of the planet to me. My PILs are terrible grandparents and live in the same country. I have grieved for the grandparents I feel my children deserve. It is very hard.
MIL loves my children very much, adores them in fact. But has no desire or inclination to see them more than once or twice a year and that would go to zero if I even suggested she look after them . FIL (divorced from MIL) and his god awful wife are jaw droppingly bad. FIL has NO idea how to talk to a child and Step MIL, who dotes on her own grandchildren, is incredibly jealous of any relationship FIL has with anyone ... so it is all a bit of a disaster really.
I spent the first two years in NZ crying about their apathy and general crapness - until Step MIL went one step too far with her shenanigans and I was able to draw a line under my feelings.
The moment I accepted the fact that they would NEVER miraculously turn into kind, loving, benevolent grandparents I felt better about it all really. I accept that fact that they are crap and see it as their loss ...
Both FIL and MIL were very distant parents so I couldn hardly expect them to change just because they were grandparents could I? FIL has 6 grand daughters from his 1st marriage and he is just as crap with them so I shouldn't really have been surprised tbh.
Funnily enough, my children don't feel deprived - (you said that your DD is missing out on a special relationship) ... they (well, DS as DD is only 2) really loves his grandparents (not Step Witch though) ... he talks about them all the time ... he doesn't know how grandparents are supposed to behave ... it is just how they are and he still loves them ...
So, what I am saying, in my ramble, is don't think your DD is missing out ... the fact she sees them now and again is great - she will know them as her GPs and unless you tell her what YOU think grandparents are 'supposed' to be like then she won't know any different and she will love them. Children are incredible really ...
I agree with others who say, your family is YOU, YOUR DH and YOUR DD ... the others are related, but still only visitors ...

popeye, big sympathies from me to. I know exactly how you feel. All of my in-laws are fab, they play with the kids, take them out, spoil them rotten, actuall make the effort to come and visit.

BIG contrast the with me miserable lot.

Last time my mum bothered to come and see us was 2 years ago, no longer, 2 and a half, so only time they see grand kids is if I drive haly way across europe with 3 little ones and make the effort to go to their house. Wish I didn't have to. tbh. Last time we went, we stayed 4 days and my mum didn't eat 1 meal in the same room as us. She's got a cream carpet in dining room and didn't want it spoiling, so my boys had to eat in kitchen with lino, I refused to leave them to eat on own, so we ate together and she'd eat on her own , or with her dh. She only took 1 day off, even tho, as I said, she sees them 1 or 2 a year. And even then, we went to a museum and she didn't even wander round with us, just dithered off on her own.

The day I was leaving, I had all 3 kids in my room while her and her dh sat listening to the radio and reading the papers. Then she started stripping down the beds and hoovering. We were due to leave in half an hour, and rather than actually spend 2 mins with them, she was trying to get rid of any trace of use before we had even left.

I was SO SO SO BLOODY MAD at her. Still am.

SO like I said, I know how you feel. I don't know the answer. Just accept the fact that they're shit and not going to get any better? Like you, I reckon they just like to have pictures and anecdotes to tell folk. I nearly died of (bitter) laughing when I saw how many pictures of my boys she has plastered all over her house. But to actually spend and time with them. ha. forget it.

And like I said, HUGE contrast to my in laws who can't get enough of them, visit regularly, phone regularly, send them treats, take them out, take time off work to be with them etc etc. Just very lucky we at least have got one good set.

Message withdrawn

Sort of know how you feel although my MIL is very hands on and would do anything for me or my DSs.

It has taken FIL about 3 years though before he would do anything with them. Last week they were staying here and when I came down in the morning after my lie is () all 4 of them were sat at the table cutting and gluing. DH was nearly in tears and said "He never did anything like that with me....." - but very chuffed

It may be that you need to take the lead a little bit and say "Would you mind if we popped out for an hour this afternoon and you look after DD?" - they might not want to push themselves onto you and an specific request might be needed?

Good luck anyway

popeye, my in-laws and parents are quite similar to yours. They obviously adore the children, but often seemingly unimportant things are placed in priority to seeing them, and when they do visit, they just want to sit down with a drink rather than interact with the children. I despair that I will ever get some time off from my children.
Occasionally, they will read to them or go to the playground.

I agree that maybe you should accept that this is the relationship they have with the children - my children still love their grandparents whatever. Also, your dd is still very young, many people find it easier to interact with children once they are older. (and they are less tiring then too )

I can sympathise with you. Your ILs sound very similar to mine. Certainly nowhere close to my idae of a good grandparent. Yes they like the photos and talking about their grandchildren... but actually spend some time interacting with them? Forget it.
Maybe they are just a bit unsure what to do with their grandchildren? Perhaps MIL in particular is a bit unsure of her "status". It could be worth trying to steer them in the right direction, even if it's just stuff like "could you keep an eye on her for half an hour whilst I have a bath/make a couple of phone calls/cook supper/etc". Would they like to hold her/take her for a walk/help out at bath time?
I tried the above type of stuff without success with my ILs - but it might just work for you. And, if it doesn't, then I think you might just have to accept your lot and find what help you can elsewhere.

They sound very similar to my Inlaws. They kind of say the right things but their actions speak louder than words. They thought DD1 was spoilt and I think they took it upon themselves not to buy her anything or lavish too much attention on her to strike a balance!

In my more sympathetic moments, I accpet that perhaps they've just been out of the world of young children for too long to be 'natural' at it anymore. And perhaps they are afraid of intefering and so wait to be asked to do something like feed DD2 her milk.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is, it has got better as DD1 has got older. She's 4 now. When my inlaws visit, DD1 demands her own attention from them. She's figured out that my MIL will happily read to her and sing with her and she seems to milk this for as long as she possibly can. My inlaws are much more charmed by DD1 now she is a chatty, bright, confident little girl.

So, things might get better in the future. I know it is natural to want your relatives to be as utterly thrilled by your children as you are. Perhaps they're just not 'baby' people and once your baby is talking, they'll play more enthsistically with her.

Just a quick and hopefully final update...

Talked everything through with DH last night. Went through ILs actions at the weekend plus the fact that I keep "going on" because he doesn't want to know. He apparently doesn't want to know because he doesn't think we can do anything about it and I therefore keep going on because I don't feel like I can continue like this....vicious circle.
He was also disapointed with them at the weekend but he says he's not surprised, they've always been aloof and distant. He also agreed that MIL has changed but neither of us are 100% sure why. Anyway, we talked through how we can make things better in future for both of us and basically came to the conclusion that we need to be more in control. We're not going to sit around waiting for them to come and go as they please (they would go MENTAL if we disappeared for 2 hrs when we stay with them)or for them to decide when they'll feel like playing with DD- we'll agree when we'll spend time together so we can also do our own thing.

It may sound a bit harsh but I don't feel like I can just sit back and watch them ignore DD until they decide she's more interesting.
But, the most important thing is that DH and myself now both agree.

Thank you to everyone, you gave me alot to think about.

Bit late but just wanted to say that my dad took 5 grandchildren (3 of mine and 2 of bro's) to really get the point of babies!!! It's only now that he has finally started to enjoy being with LOs. He was always OK with bigger kids but babies are a different kettle of fish. Mum was always OK but dad wasn't that sort of father/grandfather.