39 yr old daughter hates me, always has

[NMMom]

I have never posted to a group before, so I hope not to make any mistakes. I am 59 yrs old, live alone. I have a 39 yr old daughter and a 23 yr old son. The nuts and bolts of what I am dealing with is my daughter hates me, and as far back as I can remember, always has. I was a single mom, but had a steady full time man in my life, who was with her when she grew up. He was great, she has no problem with him. It has always been me. I have two grandchildren by her, granddaughter 12 and grandson 14. She has never felt any remorse or told me she was sorry for anything she has done to me. She tells me she hates me, she has hit me so hard, I could not lay down for a month. This last month, she came to my house looking for the grand children because she was mad at them. I was sitting in my room watching a movie when she came in. She grabbed my grand daughter, and began. I tried to push her off of her, and she hit me, then went back to the girl. I again pushed her off, and she came after me again. She screamed at me I hate your guts, and hit me one last time before leaving because she knew the police were coming. My neighbors heard the commotion. The police didnt do anything. It was a farce in that regard, but what I dont understand is the degree of anger and hate she shows me, and how out of control she is with the kids. I have blamed myself, changed about everything I can, never beat her, never spoke down to her. I always have been the one who goes to her, and has to either say I'm sorry, (often even when I dont even know what I am sorry for) or have to act like it never happened. After she left, she txted me and said If I try to contact the kids or her again, "She will abandon me for the rest of my life". It feels like she never cared enough to even abandon me now. My relationship with my grand kids is great, but it is very limited. My daughter has told them so many stories about me, that I dont know what they think. She says one thing, but they see how I am and it does not match. Its as if her memories are a mirror. She is in a room full of mirrors which reflect the original image over and over again. So one incident becomes 100. I hope you understand what I mean. I am so sad, and at such a loss right now. Many of the stories she has told the kids never even happened. I know, she probably has some mental thing, but I cant help myself trying to make or do something so I can have my daughter, and grand children. It is killing me.

Some of the posts suggesting the violence is the ops fault are ignorant and offensive. Even if the Op is a lousy parent it's not justified. If people asked a woman what she had done to cause her husband to beat her there would be outrage.

Lovespeace you are one of the posters who hint that the Op is a bad parent and therefore deserves it. You go as far to call her melodramatic and self pitying. You then go on to tell us how you are the victim of your mother's behaviour. Using your own logic , it's fair to ask, what have you done to deserve it ?

There is a power imbalance between parent and child Whatifitoldyou. If a child's behaviour is poor, the parents' behaviour and responses are rarely unrelated, whereas the parents' behavioural patterns have already been formed by their own childhood relationships and expectations.

If an adult child hates a parent there is a reason.

The poster has explained in great detail the daughter's actions towards her demonstrating her daughter's hatred but has left out all detail as to why.

If an abused wife attacks her husband in frustration and desperation, would we not understand?

But if you suspect there is more, ask about it. Don't assume it's the mother's fault. As it may not be.

Some of the posts suggesting the violence is the ops fault are ignorant and offensive.

There was a poster on MN who used to post prolifically on threads started by parents having trouble with their children; she had experienced the situation first hand, and her line, almost always, as that it was probably not the fault of the parent/s and that the child probably had a personality disorder.
I saw her posting on a lighthearted thread about "your worst parenting fails" once; her jokey contribution was that on one occasion she'd thrown a chair (or a kitchen stool?) through a window* because her primary-school aged child was messing about at breakfast time.

*Through the window, not out of the window.

Two posters have asked this on the first page but no reply yet. I didn't want to leave the harsh reply to Lovespeace unchallenged.

I don't think it's a logical reply

Family relationships are funny things, aren't they? So often people only hear one side of the story because they are friends with only the gran or the daughter etc but not both. So they get a very skewed view of the situation.

My parents have just come back from a holiday with my sister and her family. Both my mum and my sister separately described a rather fraught incident - altercation between my mum and sister's husband. Both of them could have been describing 2 completely different scenes, they had such a different take on the matter. Of course, I wasn't there to witness what ACTUALLY occurred, to say who was "right" and who was "wrong" so I just kept schtum. It was interesting, though, to see how 2 people could describe the same event in 2 different ways. It illustrated to me the danger of always taking the same person's word for it and getting a skewed picture of a situation.

That said....back to the OP. Why have you tolerates the physical violence all this time? Is that normal in your family?

The upshot of this thread is OP couldn't be arsed to come back and enlighten us as to why her d "hates" her. Hmm. Compelling arguments there then. Hate exists in a bubble does it with no cause or reason? Parents can be abusive very early on in kids lives then try to gloss over it but the damage is done on a sub conscious level. It's ALWAYS the parents' fault.

I think that is a generalisation schlong. Life is much more complex than that. Parents make mistakes-most parents do. There is certainly a power differential between parents and children but that doesn't necessarily apply when the "child" is adult.
I think that it smacks of arrogance to make such a strong judgement based on scanty information.
Sometimes the roots of "hatred" are in abuse but sometimes other factors are at play.
The OP is not obliged to come back and enlighten us. She was distressed because she had been assaulted. She is not before a jury.
In response to curlyhairedassassin sometimes parents tolerate physical abuse longer than anyone else would. Its one relationship that people don't want to give up on precisely because they do feel responsible.

As for all the abuse the OP is accused of (without any evidence), why is it that no one is also accusing the father?

And why apparently there are no problems with the 23 year old son?

But go on, build a whole story in your heads based solely in your experiences and stick to it.

It's perfectly sound logic canal. Either victims of violence deserve it or they don't. Or do some people deserve it ? If so who , under what circumstances ? You logic is as daft as lovespeace. You say she hasn't given any reason for her daughter's actions. What reasons, in your mind , justify physically attacking your mother ?

The reason doesn't matter. It's never ok and cannot be justified. Do people really think it ok to attack your parent in their own home ? What about the 12 year old girl who witnessed this attack ?

My gentle kind mum was abused in a similar way by my sister. She made it her life mission to make her life as miserable as possible. She would tell lies to the police and anyone else who would listen (as an adult). She was violent , especially to us , her siblings. She's abused every member of my family over the years and has been a thief , liar and abuser for as long as I can remember. When my mum lay dying after a massive stroke my sister helpfully relieved her of the contents of her purse and her jewellery. It wasn't my mother's fault , and I can assure you she didn't deserve it. I suspect sister has some severe problems but that doesn't excuse it.

People will accept she was an abusive sister. People would probably accept it if her husband said she was an abusive wife. People would accept it if her daughter said she was an abusive mum. None of us would be blamed. But my mum wouldn't be believed and would be held liable for another adults behaviour.

I imagine if you are from a normal family it would be inconceivable that a family member would abuse their parent hence the idea that a parent must be deserving of such treatment. Maybe the truth about what really happens in some families is just too much.

The lessening of the power differential once the child becomes an adult, rarely lessens any anger felt towards a parent about childhood trauma. Anger may worsen or develop for the first time in adulthood once the child can analyse their childhood with adult understanding. Anger can also be directed at other adults who did not protect the child from abuse, people who stood by, for whatever reason, and let the abuse take place.

The OP asks for help, yet vital information is missing. It's like asking a mechanic to start her broken down car, but not allowing him or her to open the bonnet.

An on line forum, no matter how expert the advice, is unlikely to be able to usefully tackle such a complex issue. It's possible that both social services and psychological help could make a difference.

I am really sorry to hear that Whatifitoldyou - that sounds like an enormous amount of suffering for you all.

Oh well that chair/window THROUGH, to be clear, woman has damaged that poor child and no wonder that child hits her so she can't lie down for months. What can she expect.

Iirc about that poster, she had a history of abuse stretching right back, every conceivable relationship, and was at that time an abused wife at the end of her rope, half out of her mind. She couldn't have posted, certainly not prolifically on this taboo subject, that all abusive children have a personality disorder because she had worked extensively in therapy to address and understand the abuse dynamic and knew it couldn't be as simple as that. I remember her posting how the chair/window THROUGH, to be clear, incident was seered on her heart for eternity and that the incident had been extensively addressed, including professionally, with the child in question and fulsome resolution secured at the time and into the future. I remember that poster very clearly.

You should get a job on a tabloid zozz. Get your facts straight love.

:)

I think there is an erroneous belief that children are blank canvases on which their parents paint. People really do believe this.

There are any number of variables that can influence the development of a child, not least inherited traits. Yes of course parents have a lions share of influence but it isn't entire, children aren't the direct artwork of their parents in entirety.

Inherent, I meant

It's estimated that approximately 1n 25 people are a psychopath. I believe there are similar figures for narcissists and other disorders. Medical research suggests that the brains of these people do not function in a normal way. I have certainly met many people who do not function in a normal way and our prisons are currently overcrowded with people who think it ok to molest children and kill people. The impact of disordered people can be seen here on these boards most days.

I also think it's quite normal to feel anger and resentment towards parents , whether it's valid or not. That often changes when people realize their parents are just people , and also when they start to face difficult parenting challenges themselves. Personally I did not appreciate my parents until they were no longer here.

Some people have asked the Op what has caused the daughter to inflict violence on her. Considering we know the horrific scale of child abuse , we could ask why more people are not physically attacking their parents.

I have found among my friends that the ones who were severely beaten and mistreated as children are the most loving and attentive adult children. It is often the ones who were really loved who are unkind to their parents.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this. If it's genuine it's awful.

Yes, we'd need the op's input, but maybe she simply already got what she needed from the thread.

Can we just clarify one thing, people on the autistic spectrum do not lack empathy. Just like neurotypicals some do and some don't. I would suggest googling anti social personality disorders if you are concerned about abusive family members

I don't think anyone has suggested that Op's daughter is on the autistic spectrum. Autism and schizophrenia were only mentioned as examples of things mothers were blamed for in the past (notably in the 1960s) which are now thought to be a neurological disorder and a biological illness.
As you point out many neurotypical people lack empathy.

I have a 32 year old daughter who has a 5 year old son . She packed in 6th form college saying she was bored . She is a very bright girl with a very high IQ . We were sad to see her leave 6th form but respected her decision .
My daughter then left home @ 17 during my divorce from her father .
She went to live with a group of people in their 30's . I tried everything to get her back without success . Her grandfather died during that time & my own mother was in hospital . She suddenly returned to me 3 months later . She was a Goth - It was clear to me there was a problem when she came into my room in the middle of the night & said " I hate myself , I hate what I've done & I want to die "
I saw my GP who agreed to help .
My daughter was given anti depressants - 3 weeks later she took an overdose - one of the men she had been living with had returned into her life then dumped her - it was this day that she took the O/D . The following 2 years were a living nightmare . I discovered sinister pictures & items in her bedroom - sado masochistic / fetush literature in the post addressed to her - it was sickening . It was as if she had suffered a complete personality change - the whole family were devastated .
She eventually came through was she now says was a breakdown - the drug given by the GP was removed from use for under 18's as it was proved to have a direct link with teenage suicide .
She never talked about what happened during the 3 months she was with this group of older ' goths '
Over 15 years I have become the focus of her anger .
She met a guy & decided to marry - 6 months after , he was having an affair . Eventually my daughter kicked him out . She got back on her feet - met another guy - 3 months later she was pregnant with her son . 12 months after he was born she discovered his dad was a swinger - she made herself homeless & came to live with me in a tiny 2 bed house . She is now in a council flat .

She is a fantastic mother to my grandson - she has worked around the clock trying to get on her feet . She is a very talented artist & has just succeeded in the government " kickstart " programme for young enterprise . She has done remarkably well . I am & always have been so proud of her .
She has 2 brothers who both went to uni - both in good jobs - each with their own busy lives & problems . My relationship with my daughter is completely unpredictable ..... it was good for 18months until I met someone - it has now gone back to the same as it was .
She is extremely abusive verbally , she has thrown gifts at me & pushed me out of her flat .
She is now dredging up the issues from 15 years ago & blaming me for everything - her father & brothers get regular outbursts as well .
She says she is autistic though I went with her to see a psychologist who dismissed her claim during the assessment .
She screams , shouts , swears at all of us - abusive texts & voicemails .
I do as much as I can for her but she sees it as nothing . I work 4 days a week - I have little time . I lie awake worrying myself sick about her & how best to deal with it . I have seen my GP & had councelling .
I have tried to encourage her to speak to her GP - she did - was diagnosed with PTSD - she never went to the councelling she was offered . The GP said it was following the break from her sons father - I feel she is in denial from when she left home - she has always said she cannot remember what happened . Just recently during an abusive incident , she mentioned something from around that time .
How on earth can I help her & save my own sanity at the same time ??

4amber I suggest you'd get a better response if you start your own thread with this rather than reanimating one from several months ago.