39 yr old daughter hates me, always has

[NMMom]

I have never posted to a group before, so I hope not to make any mistakes. I am 59 yrs old, live alone. I have a 39 yr old daughter and a 23 yr old son. The nuts and bolts of what I am dealing with is my daughter hates me, and as far back as I can remember, always has. I was a single mom, but had a steady full time man in my life, who was with her when she grew up. He was great, she has no problem with him. It has always been me. I have two grandchildren by her, granddaughter 12 and grandson 14. She has never felt any remorse or told me she was sorry for anything she has done to me. She tells me she hates me, she has hit me so hard, I could not lay down for a month. This last month, she came to my house looking for the grand children because she was mad at them. I was sitting in my room watching a movie when she came in. She grabbed my grand daughter, and began. I tried to push her off of her, and she hit me, then went back to the girl. I again pushed her off, and she came after me again. She screamed at me I hate your guts, and hit me one last time before leaving because she knew the police were coming. My neighbors heard the commotion. The police didnt do anything. It was a farce in that regard, but what I dont understand is the degree of anger and hate she shows me, and how out of control she is with the kids. I have blamed myself, changed about everything I can, never beat her, never spoke down to her. I always have been the one who goes to her, and has to either say I'm sorry, (often even when I dont even know what I am sorry for) or have to act like it never happened. After she left, she txted me and said If I try to contact the kids or her again, "She will abandon me for the rest of my life". It feels like she never cared enough to even abandon me now. My relationship with my grand kids is great, but it is very limited. My daughter has told them so many stories about me, that I dont know what they think. She says one thing, but they see how I am and it does not match. Its as if her memories are a mirror. She is in a room full of mirrors which reflect the original image over and over again. So one incident becomes 100. I hope you understand what I mean. I am so sad, and at such a loss right now. Many of the stories she has told the kids never even happened. I know, she probably has some mental thing, but I cant help myself trying to make or do something so I can have my daughter, and grand children. It is killing me.

Why do you think her opinion/experience of childhood was like. If you put yourself in her shoes, what do you find?

My parents have no memory of lots of incidents and have a rose tinted memory of my childhood. The reality was that my mother never have time for me and she made no real connection with as a child.

The police/social services do need to be involved in the violent situations though.

I don't believe she is a rebel without a cause. What experience has made her this way

Sometimes when people have abusive upbringings, it happe s throughout such a crucial stge in their brain development that they can't just 'move on' without serious intervention. But they might not realise that they need it. Or be able to process it to that extent.

It's very easy to dismiss people's behaviour without looking at where it came from. Having said that, the violence should not be toleraated whatever the cause.

OP this is terrible for you. Can you tell us the reasons that your daughter gives for her hatred towards you?

Just to clarify - not suggesting op was abusive, just respondibg to posters who think adults should just get over it if they have crappy parents.

What does your son think about it all? How well does he get on with her? Where was her dad when she was growing up? Where is her step dad now? When did your relationship sour? What was the 'one incident'? How does she behave with her children? Has their dad got anything to say about it? Or your extended family? How do you get on with them? How does she?

Lots of questions, sorry.

You should not put up with violence. Why didn't the police take it seriously?

I also agree that walking on eggshells isn't working.

Coo you've had a bit of a bashing on here NMom but some balanced comments too. Are you going to come back I wonder? I wondered if you had a good relationship with your son? Could you daughter have an undiagnosed medical condition (maybe on the autistic spectrum) It's very easy for it to be missed in girls as they are more able to cover it up. I know it's a long shot...........but just a thought.

There are many issues here - what was she like as a baby/pre-schooler/ any problems at school or in teenage years or in general in her growing up years. What sort of r/ship does she have with her DH/DP if she has one. Does she have friends - is her hatred reserved for you exclusively.

Maybe you don't want to come back, but I hope you do. I don't think it's a case of "it's the fault of the parent" v "it isn't the fault of the parent" - that's far too simplistic and much depends on the dynamic between parent and child and a myriad of other factors come into play to create these difficult situations.

X posted there with you wafflyv - think the OP might be put off by all our Qs - but we are trying to help - so hope you come back and don't feel you have to answer all our Qs!

The o/p wrote in to unburden herself and look for a little support. Why some of you are hounding the poor woman with talk of what a 'victim,' the abusive daughter is...this is bordering on the malicious!

Others have written in citing incidents of adult kids abusing their family members and nothing is mentioned of that. Its as if someone has designed a specially written script marked 'definitions of abuse - mothers are to blame in every case,' and followed it.

Let's get something straight shall we?

There are sons and daughters out there who are wonderful, kind, supportive, decent and honourable. Equally, there are those who, for reasons yet to fathom, treat their parents like dirt. Often, the reason why they treat their parents like that is nothing to do with anything other than nature rather than nurture. They're simply nasty, self absorbed, entitled little nobodies who get some strange kick out of causing drama, upset, shame and despair to their parents.

I've seen it in my own extended family so don't tell me that it doesn't exist!

Actually sometimes something that the adult in question wouldn't think twice about stays in the child's mind as severely damaging.

MY grandmother lived with us and was not my biggest fan. One thing she said to me one day when I was nine stayed with me forever and did have a very damaging psychological effect on me for which I blamed her right into adulthood. And it was so insignificant that I am too embarrassed to repeat it here. I'm sure she wouldn't have remembered it even the next day.

And then I have a friend whose father used to beat her and her mother to the point that once my friend ended up in hospital because he had broken her ribs, yet she loves him and treats him as an honoured guest when he visits.

Naught so strange as folks

No one deserves abuse. There is absolutely no justification for abuse , ever.

There are plenty of female abusers. Nobody causes a woman to be abusive in the same way nobody causes men to be abusive. Being abusive is a choice.

I've seen many similar threads on here and its not unusual for the parent (victim) to be blamed for being abused. No other victims of abuse are blamed in this way. People would never call a woman reporting domestic violence from a spouse melodramatic and she would never be asked what SHE had done to cause the abuse.

Some of these responses are horrible.

Op I don't know if you're coming back - I hope so! - but if your daughter is 39 then there's no reason for her to be living in your house. Time for her to go - she should have gone loooong ago, certainly after the violence.

Please come back and let us know how things are for you legally where you live. You should have full support from the law with this.

I assume one of your concerns is the kids - do they live with you and your daughter? If your daughter moved out, would you have contact with them? It is important for them that they are protected from your daughter as she is clearly violent, at least. As hard as it is, you do need to involve child protection. You will need to collect evidence - did you get medical support when she got you? If you don't have evidence then start collecting it now. Keep a diary of days and times plus details of incidents.

Thank you for your point toldyou. It is such an excruciating thing to go through on so many levels - the heartache is immense. It is so painful and isolating to be blamed. As parents we of course blame ourselves and scrape the cupboard bare trying to work out what we did to cause it, what we could have done differently. Sometimes we really do draw a blank.

Sorry about that long loooong!

*hit you

I hope OP comes back. I really feel for her. Her daughter is being abusive towards her and there is a hint that she is being abusive to her children.
OP-if your daughter assaults you again involve the police.
I am not diagnosing your daughter on-line for a minute but whether she has a personality disorder or not I think you would get a lot of help from looking at BPD families site (formerly The nook) and looking at the section for parents.
As to the argument on this thread about whether OP must have done something terrible-this is the difficulty with the relationship boards-we only ever have one perspective.
Popular psychology invariably blames the parents for everything. It isn't long ago that mothers were being blamed for autism and schizophrenia (refrigerator mothers).
Some adults who have had really shitty childhoods forgive their parents for a lot-others go NC for self-preservation.
A few adults will take no responsibility for their own problems and like to project everything back to their parents-remembering and obsessing about every slight loss of temper or unkind word and not acknowledging where their parents were supportive. They start to "hate" their parents.

Their is no excuse for OP's daughter physically abusing her-if she hates her Mum that much NC is always an option.

OP-think back carefully. If you genuinely feel you have made mistakes apologise for them but do not apologise for anything you haven't done and do not tolerate abuse. Build up a life apart from your daughter too.

Ive already stated that physical violence is a police matter but I believe the daughters behaviour stems from somewhere. It may or may not be linked to the mother. We are largely a result if our parenting and environment though

Mintty - I am not responsible for teaching you reading comprehension skills.
And, had you bothered to read my post, I did spell out what my mother had paid for, in its totality. She lives a fictitious life where she is the heroine at the expense of both the truth and everyone else around her. I don't care if people are fool enough to listen or believe her. I don't particularly care if people are fool enough to listen or believe anything on Mumsnet either, including me.

If the OP leaves her daughter, and her daughter's children alone, as the daughter requested, that would be the best for everyone.

So if a child is eg on the spectrum/has schizophrenia their behaviour comes from trauma/bad parenting?

Taking your story at face value, you must report her to the police and pursue charges.
As someone asked, is she likely to hit her children too?
Why were they in your home? Why was she mad at them? And why did she go to your place to look for them?

Also, change the locks if she has a key and don't ever let her back in. Your grandchildren are old enough to see what's happening for themselves and there is no reason to lose contact with them because of her.

How is it the best for everyone if the daughter is, or may be, abusing her children? Op has a responsibility to ensure the children are safe.

I have a friend in your position, Peace re a toxic mother whom she cut off 15 years ago. Like you she can't countenance my position and can't help a kneejerk response - she just can't see it from the other side. I REALLY DO get that. We give one another a wide, if respectful, berth. It is a huge thing between us (more from her side if I'm honest - probably bcs I am ashamed and less confident).

Though it has to be said: just as there are toxic mothers there are toxic kids. It's not fair for you not to at least try to see that for the purposes of this thread.

Of course op could lose contact with the gc if her daughter chooses lweji!

Lovespeace-your Mum leads a fictitious life where she is the heroine. I believe you about that.
Some adult children lead fictitious lives where they are victims.
That doesn't diminish empathy for those who truly had abusive childhoods but please don't assume that every parent who has a difficult relationship with an adult child must be solely and completely responsible for this. Usually the situation is very complicated and fixing the blame doesn't always help.

LovePeace

We know very little about what happened, apart from what the OP said.

For all we know the children were there to escape their mother's rage in the first place.

I have one toxic grandmother, both capable of violence and playing the victim. Highly manipulative and capable of being very nasty. Even in her bed at over 100. I have no problems in accepting that what the OP said is true, just as much as accepting that what you said about your mother is true. And I have no problems doubting both.

So, if you want to discuss your issues with your mother, instead of casting doubt on the OP without even further probing, perhaps you should start your own thread for support.

Of course op could lose contact with the gc if her daughter chooses lweji

Yes, there is that risk, but it's mostly temporary. At 15 is hard to control contact, the gc is 3 years away from adulthood and at this rate she could lose custody if she keeps beating her mother up.