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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex for three years - what is wrong???

50 replies

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:16

It is nearly my birthday, and the last time my dh and I had sex was my birthday 2003. Neither of us seems particularly bothered. I love him, but I just don't fancy him. I feel upset that he doesn't fancy me either.

On the whole our relationship is good, but we're kind of like flat mates. Our dd is now 2 and a half, still breastfeeding. On the rare occasions we have the house to ourselves (maybe 5 times total since she was born) he just wants to play computer games and I have tried half heartedly to suggest we make the most of the time, but I guess we've just forgotten how.

I'm only 32 and feel very sad about this. My dh is very overweight and doesn't brush his teeth, so I don't want to kiss him really. But it seems so lonely, just living in our own separate worlds. I have tried over and over again to talk to him about this. He just says to give him time.

anyone experienced anything like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:26

bump....

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/11/2006 10:30

Give him time to what, exactly?

Does he say why he doesnt want to?

Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:32

He just doesn't feel any sexual drive at all. Zilch.

I guess he thinks it will come back???

OP posts:
zookeeper · 26/11/2006 10:34

maybe he has low self esteem and is down about his weight - when I feel fat I don't fancy sex.

Maybe try Relate?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/11/2006 10:35

So - what has he or you tried to up his sex drive?

What is it thats putting him off? Do you think he has some "issues" about you having given birth or breastfeeding?

Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:36

Yes, I also thought he might be depressed - he is very stressed with his work and some other stuff. But he doesn't seem at all bothered by it. I have always had a higher sex drive than him, so it seems like if I'm not pushing for it, we just go without.

Relate would be good, I think, but we are not in the UK.

OP posts:
Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:39

Haven't tried anything to up his sex drive VVV.
I know I ought to try the whole seducing thing, but...I don't really feel like it. I am not blaming him at all, I am just as much at fault.

He said it's just become such a huge hurdle in his mind after so long, that it's impossible to try.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/11/2006 10:44

But whats the "hurdle"?

I think, what you both need is some time to yourselves. Learn to be a couple again. Go out on a date. No expections, just spend time together, and cuddle and kiss. You will need to enlist a babysitter of course.

Arrange to go out on a date - something you both will enjoy - meal out, cinema etc.

Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:44

OK, I guess I have answered my own question - we aren't having sex because neither of us actually wants to

Not sure what to do about that.

Had better get on with some work now.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 26/11/2006 10:46

Does he want things to change, or is he actually happy as he is? You've given him plenty of time, I would say that it's time for him to decide what he wants and make some steps towards changing things.

Does he know that you aren't happy? Have you told him how lonely and miserable you are, and that you want things to change?

If he's happy then you may have to decide whether you want to stick around in a relationship that's making you so unhappy.

If he wants things to change then take him to the GP to see if there is a medical problem, and maybe ask for a referral to a psycho-sexual counsellor. You could also try Relate.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/11/2006 10:47

If you dont want sex, but it makes you sad that you dont want sex, then I think you need to deal with it one way or another.

IMVHO, to go such a long time without sex without any (medical) reason, isnt 'normal'. I think this is what you are thinking too.

How would you like things to change?

Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:48

Sorry VVV, cross posts.

We have been out together a few times, but dh thinks going out without dd is a chance to get drunk (NOT attractive) and she (dd) is always awake when we get back.

Before dd, we mainly had sex when drunk I think. I don't drink anymore, except an odd beer.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/11/2006 10:50

When you were both drunk?

Do you get turned on by anything at all (not necessarily your DH)?

Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:52

It makes me feel a little better that you have both said that we need to do something about this. I want to make things work because he is a great dad and I do love him.

Where we live (a tiny village, not in the UK), going to a doctor is not feasible. That is why I am posting here, I have never been able to talk to anyone else about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:54

Sorry, my replies are totally out of synch by now...need to type faster.

Yes, our lives were go out, get hammered, have sex.
We had a long distance relationship for several years after getting married (long story) then as soon as we were together, dd was conceived. So we've never had a "normal" married life without a child.

Most of the time we've been living together, we have not had sex.

Perhaps we should live apart again (half-joking)

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/11/2006 10:57

So, does anything turn you on at all - about DH or otherwise?

zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 10:58

why doesn't he brush his teeth?

did he used to?

lack of personal hygiene is a factor in dperession which alkso relates to sex drive. Has he put on weight in the last 5 years also an indicator of depression. Anti dperessants for him might address these things.

Are you dperessed do you feel anxious?

You could see a doctor about depression couldn't you?

How is your home is it nice, clean and organised and are you both eating well and nutritonally good foods?

How much exercise are you getting?

All these things will effect your well being and be detrimental for your relationship if they are poor

Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 11:09

VVV I do get turned on, and sometimes let off steam by myself. And some things about my dh do turn me on, definitely. Not in a ripping-our-clothes-off kind of way, but in a loving him kind of way.

I am definitely concerned that he may be depressed. He has never brushed his teeth since I've known him, but it didn't use to bother me. Our house is messy, I try my best but I'm no housewife and dh is a total slob. He loves to cook though which is great.

I think I had/have PND as I am terribly anxious and quite depressed, but tried to see village doctor about it and he couldn't get me out of his office fast enough.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/11/2006 11:14

You both seem pretty depressed.

You really need to go to your doctor again - or arrange to see another one perhaps if your local one is no good?

I think your DH does too. Surely he cant be happy with how things are either?

zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 11:16

ok

I think you both need to address the idea that you might both be suffering from depression and or anxiety

there is hope for those things

Anti dperessants are very effective and counselling can help

You need to get help from the gp..which country are you in?

You mean he has never cleaned his teeth..buy him floss and a toothbrush and tell him that he will get major problems if he doesn't, how can he enjoy food? Don't his work mates complain?

Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 11:26

Thanks for listening. Dh is coming back now, with dd, and I'm going to say something to him over lunch. Not sure what though!

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 11:27

in the meantime summon the energy for a spring clean..throw stuff out that is causing a mess

strip the bed and and clear out underneath it, wash all the dirty clothes and throw oiut any old ones ditto shoes

clear the windowsills and make sure you have neat blinds or light curtains up in the bedroom

take any work paraphernalia or books papers and rubbish out of the bedroom and off the surfaces in the living room

clear the kitchen work surfaces and scrub the sink, bath and toilets

buy some new bed linen and pillows

if you smoke try and give up

drink less caffeinenataed drinks and avoid sugary and high carbohydrate refined foods

go for 5 fruit/veg portions a day and take vitamin supplements with zinc and thiamin

have hair cuts

use a bath product like sanex

buy him new socks and boxers

zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 11:28

do all these things together and have a bit of fun over it, laugh

Original poster
thirtysth · 26/11/2006 13:19

Wow Zippitipitoes, your post is really inspiring! If I could do all that, it really would be fab - even if I didn#t get my sex life back, I would certainly feel better!

sounds like you have been there yourself?

Dh thinks that I may be depressed but certainly not him. Hmm

I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 13:27

feeling better is a big part of it..and if you are actually still friends then doing things together will benefit your relationship

if it seems a lot then take a few days to do it

give one of your rooms a coat of paint too

if you really can't see the gp though i recommend you both do, then you could try st johns wort

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