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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No sex for three years - what is wrong???

50 replies

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 10:16

It is nearly my birthday, and the last time my dh and I had sex was my birthday 2003. Neither of us seems particularly bothered. I love him, but I just don't fancy him. I feel upset that he doesn't fancy me either.

On the whole our relationship is good, but we're kind of like flat mates. Our dd is now 2 and a half, still breastfeeding. On the rare occasions we have the house to ourselves (maybe 5 times total since she was born) he just wants to play computer games and I have tried half heartedly to suggest we make the most of the time, but I guess we've just forgotten how.

I'm only 32 and feel very sad about this. My dh is very overweight and doesn't brush his teeth, so I don't want to kiss him really. But it seems so lonely, just living in our own separate worlds. I have tried over and over again to talk to him about this. He just says to give him time.

anyone experienced anything like this?

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 13:27

oh and i am very familiar with dperession

Original poster

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 13:37

He wouldn't help me with the cleaning though, would be all me. He doesn't do cleaning. I am currently sitting at "our" desk surrounded by piles of his papers. Can't throw them away, cos they're not mine and can't tidy them up cos nowhere to put them.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 26/11/2006 13:41

Does he masturbate?
Lots of people are asexual and it's not problem at all until they want another baby, if they're both happy with that. It's when you get a difference between people that it's an issue.
I certainly wouldn't let it carry on as it is if you're not happy. Not sure what I'd do if were ever with someone who got over weight and unattractive.

zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 13:47

sort the papers into house and personal me/him

and put each pile in a carrier bag and or get some trays/box file from supermarket

making sure any bills are paid up first

zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 13:48

and he does now do cleaning and tidyiong and throwing out as you are doing it together and as he acknowledges that you might be depressed he is going to offer to help to lift your depression by doing this

MammyM · 26/11/2006 14:00

Just to add another spin to this which is probably way off the mark as the others seem to have hit the spot with the depression issue, but, as you say he's overweight, is he impotent and too embarassed to admit it? Do you have any intimate contact? Are you sexual without having sex? He's probably got lazy about it because you're not causing too much of a fuss, he thinks he's getting away with it..... If he knew how much it bothered you, he might make more of an effort, try......suggesting, that you 'take care' of him and he does nothing for you and then reverse it another night? Just thinking it may take the pressure off for full sex, you never know things may just take their own course...or even less sexual, just rub his back or his feet....turn the TV off....hope this helps?!

zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 14:02

he may also know that some anti depressants can cause sexual dysfunction but not all do and there are ways round this

I think also if your bm is in the obese category then you can be prescribed viagra type products (no epereince of this but i have seen it reference to depression)

Original poster

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 14:03

ZTT just feel too tired right now to even contemplate it. Don't know where to begin.

Xenia - No, he doesn't, I'e asked him this and he says no. He just seems to have no urge at all. Seems wierd to me.

Dh has always been the same since I met him, he loves to eat and he is messy and can be a real slob. But when we met we both lived in a shared, student house, classic - no one did washing up, never cleaned except after a party etc etc. The thing is that I looked forward to a different lifestyle once student days were over, but he has not changed at all.

Where do you draw the line between loving someone for who they are, not trying to change them, but wanting them to change at the same time?

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 14:04

then I think you definitely need to see the gp and ask for anti depressants as you shouldn't be that low

MammyM · 26/11/2006 14:06

If he's telling the truth about not masturbating, then I agree with Xenia, he sounds asexual....

Original poster

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 14:07

MammyM, when I suggest things like that he gets all embarrassed and withdraws, both physically and psychologically. I don't know if he's impotent, because I haven't got close enough to find out.

When we are toddler free, he is only interested in watching TV or playing computer games.

He is totally against anti-depressants for him OR me. We have to pay to see a doc here and also travel one and half hours by train.

OP posts:

MammyM · 26/11/2006 14:11

perhaps, then the trick is not to suggest it and just do it....perhaps while he's relaxed watching TV, just rub his back and let things progress, just let him know you're there and he has your attention.

MammyM · 26/11/2006 14:12

Why is he againt AD's for you, surely that's your business?! What about St John's Wort if he won't have convential meds?

Original poster

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 14:13

I guess this is bothering me more than I realised. I had pushed it all to the back of my mind. Writing it all out like this is kind of upsetting.

OP posts:

MammyM · 26/11/2006 14:14

It's upsetting but you obviously need to get this off your chest, you'll never find a solution unless you think about it in this way.

Original poster

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 14:18

I will try the backrubbing next time I have an opportunity. I haven't tried for a while. Maybe I need to make him feel wanted too. We have slipped into the habit of not really paying each other much attention, just letting it drift on. Maybe he doesn't feel attractive and I need to boost his self-esteem????

OP posts:

MammyM · 26/11/2006 14:21

That sounds feasible (sp?) maybe that's the key...

MammyM · 26/11/2006 14:22

Is he put off by the fact that you're still bf? Some men find it hard to think of their partner sexually while feeding the baby?

MammyM · 26/11/2006 14:23

Do you compliment him? Just a little, that shirt looks nice, can do wonders for self-confidence.

MammyM · 26/11/2006 14:43

Ok, going to push off for a bit now, need to get my lazy arse into gear and do some housework, I'll check later.....

Original poster

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 14:55

Thanks MammyM for all your help.

I have wondered about the breastfeeding too - he says he isn't bothered, but I don#t know. I really don#t want to stop bfing, but I may stop being so blatent about it - maybe he doesn't see me as a sexual being anymore. I'm not sure I see myself as one either.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 26/11/2006 15:24

We had lots of sex when I was breastfeeding - not when the babies were very little but later. I don't think it will be that. I have a theory with no research that the more weight you put on the less sex you want and the more depressed you are so it's a vicious cycle. Is there any way you can change his diet and get him interested in jogging? He should go to the GPs if he's lost his sex drive. I suppose you need to convince him it's important to you. Presumably he's not getting it elsewhere.

Original poster

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 16:21

He keeps saying he needs to go on a diet, but it lasts a few days and then he goes back to normal. Neither of us are getting enough physical exercise at the moment, it's a big problem.

Absolutely certain he's not getting it elsewhere, as he's always either at school (he's a teacher) or at home with me.

I am kind of pleased to hear that you had lots of sex while bfing - so it IS possible!

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 26/11/2006 16:39

is there a walk you could all do together in the early evening?

don't diet but change your meals and shopping list gradually

I think if i lived somewhere very remote and was in your position I might consider buying anti depressants online, having first researched them very well

Original poster

thirtysth · 26/11/2006 16:47

I have thought about that Zippi, but would be very nervous of doing so - I was on Seroxat a few years ago and it made me completely nuts.

I think I'm going to try and see another dr.

OP posts:

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