Help with parents

[MusicMum18]

Hi, I think I may have a deep rooted issue which I'm trying to get rid of. Please don't think I'm a bad person...

My parents came to stay with us the weekend my baby was due, they said they wanted to stay with us so they could do their house up which they've just bought the next village down from us. Normally this would be fine, but I told them I didn't want them around when I went into labour.

When my waters broke they were here, then when I had the contractions my mum helped me which I was thankful for. They stayed in our our house when I was giving birth my husband was with me. Then when we came home with our baby, they were still here.

I'd had an episiotomy and was sooo tired and adjusting to a new baby. I wanted to be topless as I was trying to breast feed but couldn't with dad around. I feel that they expected things of me that I couldn't do eg. All 4 of us eat dinner together....impossible with a newborn!! I also wanted time with my husband and new baby, just the 3 of us. We've waited so long for a child and I wanted it to be as I'd dreamt of.

They were in the way and I didn't want them. Before the birth my mum said shed give us a few days to adjust before visiting but this didn't happen because my dad didn't want to do that so I feel more let down by my mum.

One day baby cried and cried, I'd tried everything then parents started telling me what I should do and I'd tried it all. I had a meltdown. All they did was fuss baby, they didn't seem to notice me. I also had baby blues badly around day 4 and struggled with breast feeding.

In tend end I told them I didn't want them. They took it personally, we had a huge row, I was so upset and felt guilty for telling them I didn't want them. The truth is that I didn't want or need them at that time. I know in their own way they were trying to help, but it was wrong of them to stay. They stayed for a week and a half which felt like an eternity. I felt as though they were judging me, and that they thought I was a rubbish mum. I already felt like a rubbish mum due to pressure from hospital re breastfeeding which I struggled with. I then believed they were going to take baby from me and at one point I wanted them to just take it because I thought they could do a better job. Like I said it was a proper meltdown.

We've tried sorting it out since, it's a bit easier but it drives me crazy that they never listened when I tried to say what I wanted, they just think they know what's best for me. I am 39 and not a child anymore, I know what I need!

I'd love another baby because I want to enjoy the early days more. I feel that this was spoilt for me by my parents even though I know they didn't mean to. I know this is also a bad reason to want another baby.

I don't know how to get my relationship with parents back on track. They still don't think they did anything wrong, and we used to get on so well. I just don't want them getting too involved and interfering, and I'm scared that my baby might love them more than me. I know it's crazy but I felt soooo rubbish the first few weeks and they just seemed to know everything, were all excited and happy, and I was in pain, in tears and stressed. I felt so alone.

Since the big row, they've given us more space, but things are still strained and I feel like I have a block in my head as I'm watchful of them and still keeping them at a distance. It makes me feel like such a bad daughter.

How could I fix things? Sorry for the rant.

It's hard for both parties. I sense up front they were excited and trying to help and now you've told them they have given you more space.

Yes, but we ended up having such a big fall out. My etiolated were so high at the time, and I felt like I was screaming from the rooftops and no one would listen.

You poor thing. That's sounds so unbelievably stressful and insensitive of them. I forbade anyone from visiting for the first week and my family (who I at least had control over) for a month. I don't think your reaction was unreasonable at all and it's such a shame that they weren't listening. They'll always be your parents and your lo's grandparents. There's no rush for them to be involved right away. Soon enough they'll be doing their share of babysitting etc but for now it's not about them, it's about your new family.

Set you sights of you can fully on your new little one. They are the key.

I don't know about the rest of it, but fighting with a woman who has recently given birth is not on.

My ex had a fight with me when dd was ten days old and it reduced me to floods of tears, so I know how it feels, OP.

But what has happened has happened. They blew it but possibly it is worth getting in touch and telling them that your hormones were all over the place and maybe you overreacted, so could you all wipe the slate clean and start afresh.

Your parents were both overbearing and unreasonable; I would think they have always been like this (particularly your dad, your mum enables his behaviour) and still treat you like you are a child and thus "incapable". Their behaviours show a complete lack of respect for you as a person and now parent. I am also uncomfortable with the fact they have moved to only the next village from you; they want to keep tabs on you.

What did your DH think of their behaviour, did he assert himself at all?. What does he think of them anyway?.

You both now need to present a united front and firm and consistent boundaries. Your boundaries to date have been too low and they used that against you as well. They will likely not like this at all, they are after all used to getting their own way with you and they are used to see you as subservient to their needs and wants.

Such unreasonable people more often than not take umbrage when they are told rightly to back off. You eventually did that and you feel bad as a result. You did not overreact at any time; they ignored a previous boundary you tried to set and they were in the way.

You really have nothing to feel guilty about. The only people who should feel bad here (and they for what it is worth do not) are your parents. It is not at all surprising that they feel they have done nothing wrong here so you will not get an apology from them in any case. They have also not accepted any responsibility for their actions here; yet another red flag re them.

It is not down to you alone to try to fix things; its also up to them. These people really do need to be kept at a distance both mental and physical. Start as you mean to go on and assert your own rights both as a mother and a parent; you were not put here for them to say "jump" and for you to reply, "how high?".

I would also suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

They will not change; only you can change how you react to them.

Keep reminding yourself that you’re a grown adult – you’re not a child anymore, and you don’t have to succumb to emotional manipulations. A big part of this is learning to say “no” without feeling guilty.

You’re a grown adult and you are free to distance yourself emotionally, physically, socially, and financially. You can choose to live your own life.

Why on earth did your DF want to be there at the time of the birth.

V strange decision - is there a hidden motive eg this is evidence of their DD growing up and away from them and they don't like the idea of that? Or that they think they will step in and be surrogate parents to the new baby as you aren't mature enough to manage on your own? They certainly feel able to interfere in your life when it suits them.

Your family is you DD and DP, not you and DGPs. They will need to adapt to that. It's not your job to help them.

I think you may find that time is a great healer. They rushed in and overdid it, and are probably feeling pretty disappointed that things turned out as they did. Its easy top forget how grim those early days can be when you are so raw from the birth and your moods are all over the place.

Could your partner mediate by telling them how much you appreciated them being there when you needed them but that you were just too tired for guests afterwards?

Imbroglio speak a lot of sense - it sound like a good way forward to me.

They rushed in and overdid it out of habit. These people likely do not see their daughter the OP as a person in her own right. OP was right to act as she did; she should not feel guilty for asserting her own self here. She will need to continue to do so.

Why would anyone argue with a woman who's just had a baby?

Just leave her alone if that's what she wants.

This kind of utter selfishness in the guise of, "Oh but I'm just so excited!" Inexcusable.

Just leave new parents alone until they ask you to visit. It's not about you, believe it or not.

Op, just focus on your baby and your h. For the time being, just create your own bubble without your parents around. Be polite but don't invite them over unless you really want them to be there.

You have choices. Make them to suit you. You are not there to please your parents.

They've moved to the next village? Are they the type to pop over uninvited? I would be firm about that too. They will kick off and sulk but they will get over it. Bullies usually back off and toe the line when you bark at them just once.

Hi, thanks everyone so much for your advice, this has all really upset me. Attila the meercat you're so right they did ignore the boundary I set. My husband gets on really well wi them, but after the birth I was only able to focus on baby and me and wasn't able to put my foot down because I was so busy dealing with being a new mum!
Things are slightly better now, but I am just so wary of them which makes me sad. I'd hate for my daughter to treat me like I've treated them, but I just don't know how else I could've acted in this stressful situation, like kinsy winsy says who would argue with a woman whose just given birth?

All I can say now is that now I feel more like myself and lo is 4 months, the boundaries are set. I've told them they can't just call in, and that I will be going to baby groups, seeing friends, and don't want to feel as if I have to keep going round every day!

They have given us a lot more space since we had the bust up, which means they haven't spent as much time as they wanted with my lo but I'm afraid the fact they forced themselves on us made me pull back. Now they've backed off, I'm not so against seeing them now, maybe we can get things back on track.

Christmas will be interesting as I want it to be just me, husband and baby, it will be our first Xmas together, I want us to make our own memories first. Does that sound bad?

I do want to sort things out with them, they won't be around forever, I just want them to respect me as an adult, and trust in me that I can do things, without trying to tell me what to do. My brother rows with them a lot more than I do, which means they're a bit scared of him, and tread on egg shells around him often. I think I'm too placid, but now I have a lo I need to put my foot down. I want us to make our own memories as a family.

It's just hard as I'm still really emotional about it all, it feels like I have really put the barriers up. They think I behaved really oddly, which I did but I had just given birth and had a terrible first couple of weeks, with numerous meltdowns! I felt so alone and just wanted to run away.

Hi MusicMum,

Re your comments in quote marks:-

"Christmas will be interesting as I want it to be just me, husband and baby, it will be our first Xmas together, I want us to make our own memories first. Does that sound bad?"

No it does not, indeed make your own family traditions. Presumably you think this sounds bad because your parents may well make a song and dance about you not being there all day Christmas Day and Boxing Day for instance.

"I do want to sort things out with them, they won't be around forever, I just want them to respect me as an adult, and trust in me that I can do things, without trying to tell me what to do. My brother rows with them a lot more than I do, which means they're a bit scared of him, and tread on egg shells around him often. I think I'm too placid, but now I have a lo I need to put my foot down. I want us to make our own memories as a family".

They will never respect you as an adult and the only way is their way. They still see you as a child really and they want to keep tabs on you; this is likely why they have moved into the next village. They do not want to give you space. Its of no surprise to me at all that your brother does not get along all that well with them either; he has also had enough of being overtly emotionally controlled by his parents so he has roared and they have backed off (well for now anyway).

How do you get along with your brother these days?.

It is often only when adult children of controlling parents become parents themselves that they realise that their own treatment at the hands of their parents was wrong on so many levels. Its a hard realisation that the people who were supposed to love and nuture you fell very short of the task.

"It's just hard as I'm still really emotional about it all, it feels like I have really put the barriers up. They think I behaved really oddly, which I did but I had just given birth and had a terrible first couple of weeks, with numerous meltdowns! I felt so alone and just wanted to run away".

I am sure they do think you behaved oddly; they are after all used to having their own way (your dad in particular) and your mother has gone along with it out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. You had every right to assert yourself in the ways you did, they would have really marred your memories of your child's earliest days otherwise.

Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Do read the book I recommended.

Thanks so much for your help and support. I will read that book you recommend. I do get on well with my brother, his advice was just to listen and pay lip service to mum and dad the just do my own thing. That's fair enough, but like you say there will be times eg Xmas where I want just me, husband and baby. And I'm not going to feel guilty about that! Thanks so much for your advice x

Please try to be clear what the boundaries are from now on, communicate them and keep them - it is your life - you have waited so very long to create your own family.

But please try to move on a create new happy times for you and your new family - can you box up this experience somehow under "dealt with" and try not to be consumed by it - so that it does not colour your present experience?

You will need to be vigilant around your boundaries - but just remember that you are keeping it tight for the happiness of your new little family -- enjoy these days........

"I'd hate for my daughter to treat me like I've treated them,"

Well, don't treat your daughter as they treated you & it won't happen!

Of course were excited, I'm not surprised they waited in your house to see you & baby come home, but beyond that-no!

Sounds as if they are not far away so visits will be easy & often for them.

Re Christmas-they could visit in the evening so that you se them for some time if necessary.

There's Boxing Day...

THey do sound very unthinking/selfish.

Keeping them at a distance may not be a bad thing if it stops them walking all over you.

Thanks, you are right. Please don't think I'm a pushover, I'm not it's just that after the birth I couldn't express myself with my parents because my head was all over the place. Then things built up and I snapped.
I will make the boundaries clear, they have to respect that. To be honest, they have given me more space, but even though I feel that my mum has been saying things like "my aunt sees her daughters baby twice a week" which makes me feel a bit guilty on the one hand but then makes me think that it's tough. If they'd given me space at the start things would have been very different now.
But like you say the focus needs to be on moving on. I have made it crystal clear that if I have another lo they will not be welcome until I invite them. And the boundaries will have to be respected from now in. Like you say I'm going to imagine putting all this in a locked box. It's no good letting this bother me when I have a gorgeous little baby to enjoy, I don't want to look back at these times feeling sad. Thanks for your help xxxx

You've probably put up with stuff in th past for an easy life or because you don't know any different.

When you have children it does bring things into focus!

You aren't a bad daughter OP. They are shit insensitive over bearing parents. They've ruined your precious bonding time with baby and were too wrapped up their sense of entitlement to pick up on your needs. They sound a nightmare and don't let them elbow in on your first Xmas with your new family.

Op, a lot of women are utterly thrown when they have a baby. It's a huge life event.

Many do behave in ways that are perhaps not their usual way. That's absolutely fine.

All you did was snap and ask them to observe respectful boundaries. They were at fault for not giving you time and space.

Your relationship with them will heal. But into a different form.

And don't be bullied by your mother's stories of how often other people see their grandchildren. That's OTHER people. Not you. You must find out a balance that works for you. You don't know that there isn't bullying going on there with your aunt and her daughter either. Maybe her daughter is miserable with the set up.

Make no assumptions about what is right by other people. It's your life and your choices.

Seeing parents this weekend. They are desperate to see lo and are excited about seeing how she's grown etc. etc. I still feel like i don't want them to get too close and I feel terrible! My dad asked on the phone "hi, how's our ....." Which got my back up, she's not theirs! I know it's just a turn of phrase but I'm still worried about them getting too intense. Still feel like a really bad daughter, feel mean that I don't want them to get too close to my lo...

My mum got my back up the other day, when I said I'd given lo cal pol as she was teething. She said, "why are you drugging her up". I said "what do you expect me to do, nothing and just sit and watch her cry in pain"? I just feel like she judges everything I do a a mother still.

The next thing is Xmas. My dh has asked what I'd like to do. I've said id like to stay at home, just the 3 of us, for our 1st Xmas together. Maybe invite my parents for Xmas dinner or evening. He can't understand why I wouldn't want them there 1st thing Xmas morning, he said for him it's the more the merrier. For me, I want to enjoy our 1st Xmas together. We didn't row, but he doesn't understand how I feel. My parents wouldn't invite themselves, but my bro is going to his in laws this Xmas which means my parents will be not eptheir own, which makes me feel guilty. But I just want the 3 of us. I'm determined that's what it's going to be. I hate that they will feel bad though, but given that my dad hasn't apologised for being here for ages after lo was born, he still sees that they did nothing wrong, that upsets me. I think they will just have to respect the boundaries, that we make.

I know they are desperate to babysit when I go back to work too. They would do it for free but I would insist on paying . Having said that I hate the thought of them babysitting. My dh doesn't understand that either.
Things are better now than before, I'm getting a bit closer to my mum although I'm still very wary and on guard and so is she.

Just feel sad that things are as they are.

You are right to be wary and on guard.

They behaved extremely badly and have not apologised at all.

You need to try to get your DH to understand, he's the one who's supposed to be on your side to back you up when needed.

why are you drugging her up

I think this comment sums up their attitude entirely. It's such a negative spin on something that is really so very normal. Your baby is in pain, you give them some calpol.

It seems that they overdramatize and contorl things, and up until now you've been a bit of a pushover and let them. Good for you for standing up to them!

I know you feel guilty for not being able to let it go, but at no point have they actually apologised for their behaviour, so don't feel guilty. They're just waiting in the wings, for you to get over your huff and expecting that it will soon get back to normal, eg the way THEY want things to be. THAT's why you are finding it hard to let things go back to normal, because that normal is exactly what you don't want.