Help with parents

[MusicMum18]

Hi, I think I may have a deep rooted issue which I'm trying to get rid of. Please don't think I'm a bad person...

My parents came to stay with us the weekend my baby was due, they said they wanted to stay with us so they could do their house up which they've just bought the next village down from us. Normally this would be fine, but I told them I didn't want them around when I went into labour.

When my waters broke they were here, then when I had the contractions my mum helped me which I was thankful for. They stayed in our our house when I was giving birth my husband was with me. Then when we came home with our baby, they were still here.

I'd had an episiotomy and was sooo tired and adjusting to a new baby. I wanted to be topless as I was trying to breast feed but couldn't with dad around. I feel that they expected things of me that I couldn't do eg. All 4 of us eat dinner together....impossible with a newborn!! I also wanted time with my husband and new baby, just the 3 of us. We've waited so long for a child and I wanted it to be as I'd dreamt of.

They were in the way and I didn't want them. Before the birth my mum said shed give us a few days to adjust before visiting but this didn't happen because my dad didn't want to do that so I feel more let down by my mum.

One day baby cried and cried, I'd tried everything then parents started telling me what I should do and I'd tried it all. I had a meltdown. All they did was fuss baby, they didn't seem to notice me. I also had baby blues badly around day 4 and struggled with breast feeding.

In tend end I told them I didn't want them. They took it personally, we had a huge row, I was so upset and felt guilty for telling them I didn't want them. The truth is that I didn't want or need them at that time. I know in their own way they were trying to help, but it was wrong of them to stay. They stayed for a week and a half which felt like an eternity. I felt as though they were judging me, and that they thought I was a rubbish mum. I already felt like a rubbish mum due to pressure from hospital re breastfeeding which I struggled with. I then believed they were going to take baby from me and at one point I wanted them to just take it because I thought they could do a better job. Like I said it was a proper meltdown.

We've tried sorting it out since, it's a bit easier but it drives me crazy that they never listened when I tried to say what I wanted, they just think they know what's best for me. I am 39 and not a child anymore, I know what I need!

I'd love another baby because I want to enjoy the early days more. I feel that this was spoilt for me by my parents even though I know they didn't mean to. I know this is also a bad reason to want another baby.

I don't know how to get my relationship with parents back on track. They still don't think they did anything wrong, and we used to get on so well. I just don't want them getting too involved and interfering, and I'm scared that my baby might love them more than me. I know it's crazy but I felt soooo rubbish the first few weeks and they just seemed to know everything, were all excited and happy, and I was in pain, in tears and stressed. I felt so alone.

Since the big row, they've given us more space, but things are still strained and I feel like I have a block in my head as I'm watchful of them and still keeping them at a distance. It makes me feel like such a bad daughter.

How could I fix things? Sorry for the rant.

This Xmas baby is tiny and it doesn't matter too much what you do. Give baby pressies, don't give baby pressies ? it doesn't matter. Perhaps have DPs over to keep everyone happy - but you could secretly plan the following few years - baby older and able to understand the fun and excitement!
So then, just you and DC, perhaps seeing DPs on Boxing Day for a family meal? and pressies?

Anyway, I would have no one on Xmas morning. The DPs had their chance with their own DCs, if they messed that up then too bad. Perhaps DPs in the afternoon. Or perhaps you go to DPs for late Xmas dinner?

There is a change when YOU have Xmas as opposed to the DPs having xmas for ThEIR DCs (such as your DP) - it's a shift in the situation but that's life! things move on. DPs have to accept the new scenario. DH has to realize this too (which he hasn't yet).

This comment from MakeItACider is spot on:-

"I know you feel guilty for not being able to let it go, but at no point have they actually apologised for their behaviour, so don't feel guilty. They're just waiting in the wings, for you to get over your huff and expecting that it will soon get back to normal, eg the way THEY want things to be. THAT's why you are finding it hard to let things go back to normal, because that normal is exactly what you don't want".

Make your own family traditions with your own family unit now OP. If you wish to stay home for Christmas then do so.

Your parents won't ever sort things out with you though, you're going to have to let that thought go. They do not recognise you as an adult who can make her own decisions; they still see you as incapable and want to control you and they actively try and do this through criticism of your parenting choices. You certainly need to maintain and further strengthen your boundaries (which they will likely rail against). I would not put it past them either to further use your child to get back at you.

Well my mum apologised, she knew before they stayed that it wasn't a good idea. But my dads clearly the boss and she usually does what he wants.
I'll try to make my dh understand but I don't think he will, he loves my parents which is great, but we need to have boundaries...
I think I'm more affected because obv the birth was traumatic then with baby blues on day 4 I was all over the show and I felt huge pressure to be perfect daughter, wife and mother. All too much!

OP I am afraid I am going to swim against the tide a bit here. Yes it is desperately hard just after the birth and no one should be there who is not actively helping.
They were thoughtless and stayed because it suited them.

You blew up at them. It happens. I chucked a mental at my MIL when she turned up for the entirety of visiting time for the 5th day in a row to talk about herself. I was exhausted. I desperately wanted to see my own parents who had travelled over 100 miles. and the grandad had not had a look in. And yet there she was. Again. When only 2 visitors were allowed. My dm still has not forgiven me for being rude to MIL.

But I think right now you are being a tad precious. You'll look back and wonder what all the fuss was. You've had a baby. Lot's of people do. Everything is v intense in the early months. Chill.

If your mum says something critical either ignore or say We all parent in our own way. But I think a lot of this is not down to them not believing you are a good parent but you struggling to believe it if yourself. You are letting your insecurities cloud your interactions with your parents.

You are doing fine. You are your lo's mum. No one else. Stop giving yourself a hard time. Stop trying so hard. And I am sure you will feel less inclined to give them a hard time.

Of course they want to see their dgc!! Of course they call her ours. She is their family too. They are proud of her and you.

Yes I agree with all the posts, thanks for your support. I am going to stick to my guns, this is the mistake I made when lo was born, not speaking out and telling them to go! I wast Xmas Eve and Xmas day morn on our own, then we can see them in the afternoon. I'm not giving way on this, and my dh will have to either understand or just accept that this is what I want.

I do want a good relationship with my dp though, they do love me and my bro and have supported us so much over difficult times. I suppose we have to work on creating a new relationship where they accept me as a mum not just a daughter.

It was interesting that they want to see my bro the night before he moved into new house as they all dh tickets to see the England rugby game. They wee very keen and told me lots of times, that they weren't staying over the weekend as they wanted to leave my bro to move in. I think they were trying to show me that they can back off! As it was my bro asked for their help so they stayed.

My mum did apologise straight away after she interfered with the cal pol thing. I just couldn't believe it, my poor dd was red faced and screaming what was I meant to do?!! Couldn't believe what she said!! But I still came off the phone half feeling like id done the wrong thing in giving it her.

When they saw us last they did compliment us on how well lo was doing which was nice. But i still feel as though they think I need lots of help because I can't do it on my own. I am perfectly capable, I'll make mistakes, like all parents do, but I can manage perfectly well.

When they were up, they just knocked on back door a couple of times then came straight in. One time I was topless in the kitchen as I had been feeding. Told them to wait. After that episode I am now in the habit of locking the back door behind me when I am in so they can't just walk in!

To be fair they have given us more space since I had the wobbler after lo's birth, but I just don't like the tension now. I wish I could be less guarded around them.

When my sis in law face timed me the other day, the first thing my dad did was talking to lo when I showed her on video, he only asked about me as an afterthought.

I love my parents to bits and I don't know how things can have gone so badly wrong. It's hard to repair this relationship. They seem to be trying harder, my mum obviously knew shed said the wrong thing about cal pol as she apologised, I'm trying hard too but it's difficult.

I felt huge pressure to be perfect daughter, wife and mother. All too much

I did this. I'm not too sure why. But when I stopped doing it (basically trying to be an admired, caring mother/daughter) and became 'fuckit who cares what others think' the relationships went through a shift and, rather then everyone thinking I was a despicable selfish individual, they changed their attitude and we all gradually realized you can put yourself first occasionally, enforce your wishes for once, and still be a nice person.

Small legs, thanks for your message. I'm going to read it more carefully again, maybe I'm not confident in myself. I do doubt myself a lot maybe they pick up on that.

Maybe because of how I behaved at the birth I'm over analysing everything.

Maybe I think I have to follow parents advice as they're more experienced, but maybe they need to remember that all babies are different and times are different from when they brought me up!

Maybe I'm over analysing everything, esp as I'm tired and lo is teething and has a cold etc etc.

I'm always really hard on myself and expect a lot from myself, I think you're dead right, I do need to chill.
Thank you, I find it hard to keep a sense of perspective sometimes. But I do need to make clear boundaries, I am a mum now and want to make some of my own memories with the 3 of us as a family, and I don't want to feel guilty for that!

Hi scooby doo. That's why I had a meltdownafter dds birth. When dp s left I coped loads better and felt happier, as I knew I could focus on just being a mum, as my hubby understood that me being a perfect wife had to be sidelined for a while. Dp s didn't understand though why I couldn't be all 3 things!

People don't respect you if you fall over yourself helping everyone or 'making yourself available' to everyone. You might have been brought up to think you must be 'nice' but no, imv you should be brought up to be 'happy' - and the lack of respect from people makes you angry not happy. You can't show your anger because you are 'nice'. So you get stress.

So you have to get a backbone and not be angry but be firm and decisive about what you want at home (after some deep thought).

No criticizing others, just asking for what you want/ are going to do. The dynamic will change if you change.

As well as the book Attila recommended, you can also check out the Stately Homes thread. Lots of us had controlling or toxic parents and we understand all too well the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt in which you are currently stuck.

"I suppose we have to work on creating a new relationship where they accept me as a mum not just a daughter"

But they won't; well your dad will not anyway and I doubt that your mother will also because she defers to her DH. You are therefore going to have to let that above thought go.

Your mother enables her H in his bad behaviour and causes her own ructions. They bought their house in the next village to you in order to keep tabs on you; they do not see you as your own person in your own right.

What's the deal with your DH?. I presume that your DH has come from an emotionally healthy family himself so really cannot see your parents dysfunctions all that clearly if at all.

You cannot change your parents but you can certainly change how you react to them.

I am not sure the OPs dps are toxic. There is insufficuent evidence in this thread to say.

However when it comes to accepting help v interference. When mine were little I thouht it was realky important I did everything to prove I could. Result: I ended up knackered.

Sometimes they may be iffering to help not as a criticusm but because everyone knows new babies are gard work and new mums are tired and they want to help. It may not be a criticism. It may be help because they love you and lo.

It takes a village to raise a child n all that.
If the help would help you then take it.

And as for being ignored in favour if lo, well she is amazing isn't she? No offence op but you are old hat to them

how can I fix this

It's not you that needs to fix it, or fix anything. You're not doing anything wrong.

Personally, I'd carry on as you are - you're putting boundaries down where none have been before. That's a good thing, but it may take a little getting used to on their part. I'd stand my ground on anything you feel needs it.

Getting those boundaries in now (if they accept them) can save you a lot of hassle later on. If they constantly refuse to accept them, well then you've got some tough choices on your hands, but right now, carry on as you are - and dont apologise

Carry on as you are, keep asserting yourself and work on creating that new relationship where they see you as a mum too. It can be done.

Some grandparents really do go a bit gaga when grandkids arrive, they get excited, it doesn't make them toxic narcs, it makes them slightly over bearing and a bit selfish, but not bad people.

My parents were hard work sometimes with my kids, but their hearts were always in the right place. Sure there were things that pissed me off, but most of my friends would say the same.

Parents are parents, unless they are abusive, sometimes they are a bit blind when it comes to their kids and forget they are not extensions of themselves. My kids feel like part of my body, i can't imagine the day that i'm not involved in every day of their lives, but it will happen.

It's true, you can only change the way you react, but it sounds as if your mum is trying to find a way to work this out too. Keep trying. Remember they are people with feelings too. I still forget, at 40, that my parents can have their feelings hurt.

Small legs or small eggs, I agree what you're saying, but I had a difficult birth with 3rd degree episiotomy, struggling with feeding, had lots of pressure to bf plus loads of pressure I heaped upon myself to bf. then came home and wanted to walk around topless and get used to new baby and husband just the 3 of us but couldn't as parents were here all the time.

I have no doubt that they were trying to help, but the problem was that they we're trying to do what they thought would help me, rather than listening to me say what I needed. Which was space. I did say to my mum that it would help if she tidied up for me, but she got all upsets when I asked for this help, still not sure why. She said it was the way I said it. I had just given birth and was exhausted so don't really recall the tone of voice in which I said it! If I did say it in an aggressive way I would've hoped that in the days immediately after the birth she would've let it go. I remember one night when my lo was 1 week old snuggling on the sofa with my dh, lo and me....with my dad sat on the chair in the other corner of the room. Don't mean to sound nasty, but it should've been the 3 of us, and yes they were in the way. That should've been a special, private memory. We've waited 5 years for a child.

The problem was that they stayed when they weren't welcome. I was upset because a they listened to my dh saying they could stay rather than listening to me. The result is because it was all so intense, I've now pushed them away. Don't get me wrong I know it takes a village to bring up a child like you say, and I know it's their 1st grandchild and I know they only want the best for me. But i feel happier leaving my lo with my best friends than I do with them, because I worry that they would take over, and not sure why else I feel uncomfortable about that.

But the problem was that they thought they knew what was best for me rather than them asking and listening to me, a 37 year old woman, saying what was best for me. They know me very well of course but not better than I know myself!!

They are listening to me more though now. We were going to go down and visit this weekend, but I've had few dodgy days feeding lo she has cold and teething, so I told them we might not be going down, depending on how feeding is going. They said that's fine, do what you feel is right. Yippeeee.....that's progress!! My dh won't be impressed that I've potentially changed the plans. But he has to accept that priority is dd and if that means staying where she's settled to get used to new routine then so be it. If we can visit, then great, but well have to see what happens before then with feeding.

I do feel that they've backed off though, that makes me feel like I can go to them more, so hopefully things will heal over time.i know they love me, I love them. I know they didn't mean to hurt me that they wanted to help etc. it was a stressful time I know I behaved completely out of character but that was my right, I'd just given birth!! It all felt very tribal, I wanted to behave like an animal and go into my cave with my family and exclude the whole world to protect them. Surely that's natural instinct pure and simple. I wanted to walk around naked, not walk in the kitchen topless to find my dad washing up, or having to grab a t shirt from the dryer to cover my pants when I walked through the kitchen, whilst my dad sat eating breakfast.

The thing is, one of my relatives has cancer, and life is short. I'd be devastated if anything happened to my parents, so it is important that we move on. Respect for me as a mum (and grown up) is key. Also the fact that they need to listen to me.

All I know is that if I have another baby,which I hope I will, I don't want them anywhere near. My mum did offer to babysit my lo whilst I gave birth, all dependent on if I do have another baby. Bt I don't think I'd even like that, as I wouldn't want to jeopardise our relationship again in any way by having them involved until I'm ready. Does that sound reasonable? Maybe I should make that call if and when it happens!!

Thanks for all your advice everyone, you've all said true and helpful things, need to take a combination of all your advice to move things forward xxx

Sorry music I wasn't trying to minimise your experience. Immediately after I came home and in fact for weeks I really couldn't be bothered with anyone in my house either apart from my dsc. And my mum tbf did nothing but housework and helping and a bit of light criticising

I never visit new parents unless invited because its like a stampede.

I just meant going forwards don't put too much pressure on yourself to be supermum. you had every right to feel put upon. So don't feel guilty about it. Just draw a line under it and move on.

Tbh I am the same with my mum there are times when I know for sure I am right and yet she can still make me feel this big if I say anything. She is probably being defensive.

But for your own peace of mind, trust in your parenting. Don't let yourself feel judged. But if they want to help and if the help would be useful take it. You are right it is all about boundaries. And about trusting yourself and not worrying too much. New babies are difficult but I look back on my dts 1st yr and laugh about some of the things I used to obsessively worry about. I was so wound up and convinced I was doing it wrong. We did ok. You will be fine too.

Small legs, no worries I know you weren't minimising my experience.

I need to stop putting pressure on myself, but it's hard. Having trouble bf lo at mo she feeds fine during day but not at night.

Just now she had a screaming fit and pulled away from me I cried as I have the same reaction every day and she feeds fine at night. Hopefully it's a phase and I'm persevering to see if she bf during day again.

My mum just rang tho to see if we were going down this weekend and I said no but obv sounded emotional as just been crying.

She said "is everything okay, you sound upset but I'm going to be a 'good mum' and not pry. She didn't give me a chance to reply before saying better go then, bye.

I feel like she's clearly trying to make a point based on what happened before. Normally she would've just said what's up? And I would've told her. I feel like she was making a point that she's not prying, but prying wasn't even the issue before that upset me. It was being in my face and not giving me space when I needed it. Alluding to the past rather than accepting it and moving on. Which is what I'm trying to do.

I thought she understood why I was upset after the birth of my lo. But clearly not. I'm so confused and feel so alone, my dh does shifts, feel rejected by lo not feeding. I thought things were starting to heal. But no, it seems like we're point scoring.

Feel like never talking to mum again right now. The just don't get me anymore. I feel like a different person, that they just can't accept.

My mum obviously thinks that giving support and prying are the same thing.

I really want to fix this relationship, they're the only parents I have and life is short. But I feel like my mums now pushed me away to prove a point.

I'm so tired not sure if I'm being ultra sensitive. I'll see how I feel in the morning.

Maybe try saying what you just said there?.unless it has already been said.

Asfor bf issues, have you been to the local bf group? Or similar? And does she pull away, struggle and arch her back? If so it might be reflux? But if only at night it might just be tiredness I suppose.

Try not to get too upset though even though its nearly impossible when you are tired. This too shall pass. As long as she feeds some of the time and is putting on weight she'll do fine. The first year is a toughy but the funny thing almost all babies get through it unscathed despite all our worrying. looking back I really wish I had worried less. its the next 10 years that are the tricky bit once they can run off