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Original poster

Is there any point in getting married?

33 replies

missmrs · 26/11/2006 10:06

DP and I have been together for about four years and have DS (3 months old). We've talked about getting married but the more I think about it there more I'm not sure whether there is any point!

My romantic side thinks it would be lovely to be proposed to, to know that someone wants to spend the rest of their life with you, have a lovely posh dress, lots of family and friends wishing us well, security for DS, not having to explain why I have different surname to DS, etc.

But my cynical/sensible side wonders what difference would it make, once we'd had the big day then we'd be exactly the same as we are already (only in more debt!). We're not religious, there'd be the nightmare of family politics, my mum and MIL don't get along, and having DS seems more of a commitment than getting married because he links us together permanently.

Just wondered what people's views are - has anyone got married after living together for a while and does it make a difference?

OP posts:
PinkTinsel · 26/11/2006 10:11

you need to read yorkiegirls thread here

food for thought

NomDePlume · 26/11/2006 10:12

Being married DOES make a difference legally although it may not make any difference to the day to day running of your relationship.

Socci · 26/11/2006 10:14

Message withdrawn

theUrbanDryad · 26/11/2006 10:15

after getting married one thought really stuck with me, and that was that other people's weddings are always more fun than your own. the politics are a nightmare and our wedding was far more of a compromise than we would've wanted.

but then i am a cynical cow!

SoMuchToBits · 26/11/2006 10:19

You don't have to have a big expensive do. My sister and her dp got married this year after being together for over 10 years. They wanted something very quiet, no fuss, so they went to Gretna Green, and had a wedding with just a couple of witnesses. But they thought it was very romantic, and meant a lot to them, although hardly cost anything.

I think they felt that things like pensions etc would be easier and more beneficial if they were married. They don't have children, so no difficulties there.

Original poster
missmrs · 26/11/2006 10:21

Thanks for the link pinktinsel - that's definitely given me something to think about. The legal side of things hadn't occured to me as we both already have wills and life insurance so I didn't realise that not being married still made a difference.

Maybe we should run away and get married on the cheap without inviting anyone to avoid all the hassles! (although we'd get the hassle when we got home!)

OP posts:
Freckle · 26/11/2006 10:21

Just think about the practicalities. If you were to go into hospital, your next of kin would be your mum not your partner. So your partner would have no say in your treatment and vice versa.

Unless you have made wills specifying what should happen when you die, you will have no automatic claim on your partner's estate, but would have to apply as a dependent.

Should anything go wrong in your relationship, you would have no claim on your partner's income or assets other than a claim for your child through the CSA.

All this changes when you marry.

I know it's not terribly romantic to think of marriage in this way, but sometimes you just have to be practical.

PinkTinsel · 26/11/2006 10:24

there's also the fact that if something happens to you your partner has no right to his own kids, your parents would have legal custody and could remove them from him if they chose (thats the law in ireland anyway and i know for a fact my parents would do it, and the though of them raising my babies frightens the life out of me)

moondog · 26/11/2006 10:24

miss,we married in a ceremony where only the two of us were present.
It was great.
None of our family were at all bothered and frankly if they had been I wouldn't have cared.It's about what you two want and noone else.

I like big weddings too-other peoples!

NomDePlume · 26/11/2006 10:34

If the feminist in you doesn't like the thought of being a wife then there's nothing to stop you keeping your own surname etc. No-one else but you and your DP/DH need know about your marital status

myermay · 26/11/2006 10:39

Message withdrawn

moondog · 26/11/2006 10:43

I don't wear a ring,nor have I changed my subject.
It's a relief to think that our financial and legal affairs are clearcut and sortable if one of us goes.

edam · 26/11/2006 10:47

I surprised myself, having been very anti-marriage on feminist and cynical grounds (my parents had a very messy divorce, and my father than had another), by suddenly realising I did want to marry dh. The wedding was lovely - making a public, official statement about how much we loved each other, surrounded by friends and family who cared about us. And being married is much easier on practical grounds in terms of legalities as Yorkiegirl's thread makes clear.

I kept my own name (in fact dh decided ds should have my name too - I was assuming both but dh very firm about not liking his name and not feeling the need to impose it on ds). So I don't feel like a chattel at all. We wrote our own vows so no sexist rubbish.

It did change our relationship, but in a positive way. I hadn't thought we could be any more in love but the whole being married thing somehow did add something. Not sure I can explain what, exactly. Maybe to do with celebrating our relationship in public and bringing two families together officially? Made my Gran happy too, bless her. (I'm the only one of six grandchildren to do it properly so far.)

Best bit was the honeymoon, tbh. Just the two of us, all loved up and snug and happy. Still feels oddly grown up and proper to call dh my 'husband' though!

wheresthehamster · 26/11/2006 10:50

Just make sure you both submit Parental Responsibility forms to the local court for your DS. Then if anything happens to you your DP gets automatic custody. Need one for each child.

DP and I have lived together for 22 years quite happily without a piece of paper. (Although have wills obviously).

edam · 26/11/2006 10:52

Myermay, if you aren't married, the surviving partner will get stung for inheritance tax. Which depending on the value of your house, if you own, could be a real problem, IIRC. You need to talk to a solicitor just to check it out.

I think one option is to take out a life insurance policy in favour of each other which would pay out a sum to cover the inheritance tax liability. If you get a solicitor to make sure the beneficiary bit is written correctly (may have to be in a trust, I think) then the policy itself won't be included as part of your estate for tax purposes. But I'm not an expert, do get a solicitor who knows about tax to sort it out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/11/2006 10:53

The other essential matter for unmarried couples to consider is that, as they are not related, unless they make a Will in favour of their other half then should they die, their estate will pass to their immediate family under the intestacy rules, rather than to their partner.

You both need to realise this as well:-
An unmarried partner will not even be entitled to take out a grant of letters of administration and administer their partner's estate, as they are not a relative of the deceased. You will not be allowed in law to administer his estate.

Missmrs you don't need a big do - we went abroad and got married in the prescence of two witnesses.
It will make a big difference to you as the woman in a legal sense.

If he dies suddenly and you are still unmarried you will be truly in a financial mire as well as an emotional mess. His next of kin i.e his parents will administer his estate, not you. You and he are not related you see. As an unmarried partner as well you cannot claim a widows pension. As this allowance is around £80 a week this is money you cannot afford to lose just because of not being married.

WideWebWitch · 26/11/2006 10:53

I've been with dh for 6 years and we've been married for nearly 1 year. We have 3yo dd and I have 9yo ds from my first marriage. We got married partly because I was working away from home, I was driving 2,500 miles a month and was terrified that I'd die on the M1 and he wouldn't have any say wrt the life support machine. I also knew I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

With my first husband I thought the same as you, that our ds linked us more permanently than any marriage could ever do and so what was the point. But in the end the practicalities (see above) made me decide we would marry. When we divorced, had we not been married and just had ds he would have been under NO obligation to pay maintenance. He's a decent bloke and so always has plus done we agreed on a settlement on divorce as I'd been a sahm for a while. Without marriage I wouldn't have been entitled to this and neither could I have fought for maintenance for our son had he not paid it. Marriage DOES protect women who sah with children to some extent.

My wedding to dh last year cost c£2k and was fantastic. It consisted of a registry office (£100), our clothes (£700) pizza and Champagne at 4pm (£550) and Waitrose Entertaining and more Champagne (£300) at a friend's house in the evening. I also spent some frivolous money on a stretch limo (£250) mainly because I knew all the little girls would love it and rose petal confetti (£100 odd iirc) and posies.

I love being married to dh. It IS different to just living together imo, it FEELS different to me, we have a legal obligation to each other. And for me it was always more about the being married that the getting married, so I always was going to have a v small but happy wedding. There were 16 people, it was fab.

WideWebWitch · 26/11/2006 10:57

Oh and I kept my name both times. Was pissed off with girl in call centre when talking about car insurance yesterday who, when I told her we were now married (it decreases your premiums) said "oh so you're Mrs X now are you?" NO I'M BLOODY WELL NOT, I'm still MS Y and always will be.

btw, ds has ex dh's surname with my surname as middle name
I have my name
dh has his name
dd has mine-dh's hypenated

It's fine.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/11/2006 11:00

Married couples don't pay inheritance tax on transfers from one to the other on death. But unmarried partners are liable to pay 40% tax on gifts totalling more than £250,000. With increasing house prices this can cause considerable difficulties for unmarried couples. If, say, the cohabitant whose name the house is in dies, the surviving partner could be left to pay a steep tax bill on their home.

rickman · 26/11/2006 11:02

Message withdrawn

wheresthehamster · 26/11/2006 11:05

Attila, when you talk about a partner's estate, is it things that are in that person's name only?
All our finances are in joint names so I have assumed if DP died they would automatically revert to me.
Also at what age could a child administer an estate? Presumably they would qualify as a relative.
Starting to get slightly worried, especially about individual life policies, must speak to DP.

edam · 26/11/2006 11:08

Good point Rickman. My sister walked away from her ex-dp with less than she'd arrived, because he held onto loads of her stuff. She'd paid the bills, paid for the new windows for his house (and sorted out all his financial stuff for him because he was useless with money) but didn't get a penny because he owned the house outright.

JoolsToo · 26/11/2006 11:10

yes

WideWebWitch · 26/11/2006 11:17

I wouldn't assume anything meerkat.

WideWebWitch · 26/11/2006 11:17

hamster I meant, not meerkat