Another woman putting the moves on my bloke

[TheFunk]

Don't really know why I'm posting this. Need some perspective on it really.

Here's the background. I know (from other half telling me) that before we got together, this woman, who he says has been nothing more than a friend, expressed feelings for him and wanted more than friendship. He says he said no and despite this, she brought it up several times.

I've become aware that before I came on the scene, he was going out for meals with her and her kid and doing odd jobs for her round at her house. She had recently split with her long term partner (who was my bloke's mate). I've never met either of them. He says he was just being a friend, however she might well have been taking a different view on events.

Anyway, long story short...even though she knows him and I are together, she has continued trying to arrange 1 to 1 meetings with him and sending him texts and liking all his posts on social media that don't involve me, putting kisses, writing things that position her as a significant other in his life and if he doesn't answer a text, sending a follow up saying why haven't you answered me etc.

He told me a week ago that "he had to go and meet her soon" or she would think he's just dropped her out because he's in a relationship. Somehow that feels like her feelings are a bigger priority than mine. I have no issue with him having female friends, but friends don't express feelings for each other or push boundaries and going to meet someone 1 on 1 that has previously put the moves on, whilst now in a relationship, doesn't seem appropriate to me. I wouldn't do it were it the other way round.

I'm not sure what to make of this. I trust him, but I don't think I trust her. It feels like she is trying to test the boundaries to see what he will do. I only have his word to go on, that whatever happened pre-him and I is accurate. His way of dealing with it so far is to more or less ignore her or laugh it off despite me being honest and saying it was bothering me. She comes across as one of those thick skinned types that takes that as a green light to proceed, i.e. not hearing NO means YES.

Not sure what to think or what to do, just that I know it's now beginning to take up headspace in my life and it feels like there's a third person in my relationship.

If you feel like there is a third party in your relationship and you haven't even met her then it is your bf causing you to feel that way imho.

Either you trust him or not. Anyone else is irrelevent. I think that maybe you know this already with the comment about only knowing his side of 'their' history.

Your focus is entirely wrong. IT's not about her, its about him. She can't make him do anything, she can't tempt him into cheating. No matter what she does, he is the one in a relationship with you.
If he chooses to go out with her, go to her house, etc, thats his choice. If he talks to her online, texts her back when she texts inappropriately, thats his choice.

You say you trust him but not her. She has nothing to do with it, either you trust him or you don't, end of story. Don't be one of those women who lets the man off, the poor little guy pulled about by women. He'll either cheat on you or he won't, she can't make him do anything he doesn;t want to.

Ipanema

Thanks for the input. I think he may believe he was just being a friend, doing the meals with her and kid thing, the handyman thing, I think she, on the other hand, may have thought it was going to lead to something more, especially being on the rebound etc. His work colleague has even told him he was leading her on, which he didn't seem to take seriously.

UF. I trust him. I do however think she is pushing boundaries to see what she can get away with and may well be trying to cause trouble between us. Given the history, I suspect she sees me simply as an obstacle to be removed in her pursuit of him. I trust him. However I am starting to think he may well have an issue with drawing boundaries, or she has an issue with respecting boundaries, or both. Or maybe I am the issue and should be totally fine with all this. Only I'm not. That is what I am trying to figure out.

But what does it matter what she is doing or thinking unless HE is a willing part of it?
It doesn't matter if she respects boundaries, if he does. What trouble can she cause, unless he helps her to?

I'm another one who thinks the onus is on him, not her. She owes you nothing. He owes you to be honest and faithful. Either you trust him, in which case there should be no problems, or you don't, in which case you need to talk to him.

He's the one who is attached. He is the one who would be responsible for his own unfaithfulness, should anything occur.

I understand why you are concerned, but I do think you need to refocus your attention.

Urethra is right.

I do think you could step in here, rather than passively acting like your DP has to choose between you and her. Why not talk to him and suggest that she becomes a mutual friend of both of you - something that can only happen if you go out all together as a group? And really make an effort to get along with her, rather than seeing her as a threat to be completely excluded. She may well fear losing him as a friend (as well as having designs on him right now), and if she feels that she's gaining a female friend and not losing a male one, that may outweigh the romantic interest (especially as he's already said 'no' quite clearly to her). If you trust him, all this requires is a bit of patience and forbearance on your part.

Ah the old keep your friends close but your enemies closer routine? I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable befriending someone in these circumstances. What's friendly about her totally ignoring my existence and continuing to behave as she is? Becoming her friend suggests her behaviour is acceptable to me. It isn't.

Would all of you saying this be truly, hand on heart, ok knowing another woman has chosen to disrespect you and your relationship in this way? I'd never have the brass front, nor the lack of decency, to go after another woman's bloke, let alone be so blatant about it.

I suppose what I'd have liked to see happen is, without prompting from me, for him to demonstrate loyalty, yes how old fashioned, loyalty and integrity, those things we used to value - and firmly shut it down and leave her in no doubt, rather than the sitting on the fence approach that ends up with people like that using it to justify to themselves that their behaviour is acceptable.

My issue is not with trust. It is with boundaries. Out of loyalty, respect and integrity for him, AND for the benefit of the other party, were it the other way round, I would have no hesitation in drawing clear boundaries.

HE is the one in the wrong here. Any other man would delete any inappropriate comments off facebook, block her if she insisted, would make it clear he is not interested and would not meet her 1 on 1 knowing she's flirting with him.
DP has plenty of female friends and I have plenty of male friends. What your boyfriend and this woman have is very inappropriate and he is putting that relationship ahead of yours and your feelings. I'd dump him if he refused to keep contact with her to a minimum.

So why isn't he drawing this boundaries?

These not this

It's him you need to worry about, not her. If anything happens between them or not is down to the person HE is and how he behaves, not her.

I have a male friend who is very good looking and has a girlfriend, when we go out he gets women approaching him, women at work approach him (even the ones who know he has a girlfriend, even when his girlfriend is with him on nights out!) he reply she's flattered but he has a girlfriend who he loves and would never jeopardise that.

I honestly believe a woman could lay down naked in front of him and he would say no thanks.

That is the kind of partner you need.

No, I absolutely don't mean doing this to manipulate either of them. I mean asserting yourself with her in a positive, friendly, polite way that insists that she acknowledge and respect your existence and position as his partner, but also extends a genuine offer of friendship to her. As opposed to allowing your position to be 'dictated' by the reactions (or lack thereof) of your DH in a very passive way, or placing all the agency in his hands and asking him to choose (which I think comes over as needy). I suspect that if you behaved assertively (not aggressively) to her, she will either be forced to back down or will begin to appear so desperately unreasonable that the friendship won't be tenable on any side. It gives you legitimacy to raise these issues directly with her, in a way that isn't threatening to her.

I do also think you need to have a separate conversation with your DH about how her position and relationship to him makes you uncomfortable, outlining this assertive strategy as a way of showing that you are willing to make an effort, but setting a timescale over which you'll judge its success.

I'm best friends with my husband's ex. When I met him, she was regularly demanding that he go to her house and to all kinds of odd jobs for her - apparently, she couldn't even change a lightbulb herself but needed help! She could be quite PA and is still on the whole a needy person (not her fault, she has a very bad past). Our relationship is now really great, and I love her to bits, but that's partly because there's been a lot of assertive boundary-setting to bring things to a much healthier and happier place. So yes, it can be done.

Plenty of women put kisses on posts etc. Chasing up texts may be impatience. Meeting up just them is part of their friendship - she's not your friend so the three of you meeting up would be different (though could be fun of course!)

Nothing screams major concern here but talk to your partner again if that would help.

I would be having a serious chat with your bf. You can tell him that you trust him, but that him visiting her etc is not on, that it upsets you, that he is over stepping boundaries, and that if he continues to do it, he will be upsetting you.

If he doesn't listen to that, then he isn't putting you first. That would upset me, more than her behaviour.

(I had a situation where a work colleague of dh was getting over friendly. I have no problem with his female friends, they often go out after work etc, but we had young children and she was just taking too much of his time. Serious words with dh, he couldn't see it, but agreed to cut back a lot. Because he cared about me. She did end up with another married work colleague, who left his wife and family for her.)

He has rejected her advances in the past and now he is in a relationship with you. Why does he care if she feels rebuffed by it? So she should, she HAS been rebuffed but she needs to get over herself. If he can't articulate WHY he gives even a single shit what she thinks then yes he has boundary issues (at best), and is (deliberately or not) giving her an 'in'. If you had a bloke pestering you for attention who you'd told to sod off, how would he feel about it?

They are friends not strangers in a bar, not . I doubt he told her to sof off, more thanks but no thanks.

They are friends notl

How long have you been together? Other half suggests a long term relationship to me, in which case it's strange that you haven't met her yet.

She sounds a bit bunny boiler-esque to me.

I would have dropped her the first time she sent a stroppy follow-up text.

See, a woman in this situation, I think, would generally stop seeing a "friend" who had repeatedly hit on them despite her making it clear that she wasn't interested. I would find a man acting like that very inappropriate and a bit frightening.

Men tend to have very low risk assessments of their danger from women, because society says women aren't dangerous to men. But a person who refuses to hear "no" is still a threat, no matter their gender.

I agree with posters saying its him the op needs to trust.

But on the other hand as a mature woman, who has been knocked back by this guy a few times it seems, where is her dignity and self awareness? I think I'd be too mortified to keep in touch.

Of course I agree with everyone that she needs to trust her bf. And for what it's worth I probably would.

However it's not about infidelity 100%, is it op?

The woman's been knocked back a few more times than Balboa and yet keeps on coming..where is her dignity and self awareness? Someone with that closed a window on her own behaviour will just continue with this inappropriate behaviour. It's not a worry about cheating, to me it just sounds like she's deliberately goady and irritating, and who needs that sort of dickish attitude in their lives.

And trying to cock her leg over a territory that was clearly never gets in the first place.

Maybe the ops boyfriend doesn't do subtle...I'd have to point out to him that I found it unnecessary and annoying op. ..with the examples you've described.

Sorry thought I lost the first post to the ether!

You're not budging. She doesn't owe you respect, she doesn't have to have boundaries. HE DOES.

You have a problem with her an d how she behaves. But he doesn't seem to mind. And that's why you're so bothered by it, because he's not complaining.

OP, im giving you this from the male point of view having experienced the same scenario with my wife. You are right to have concern over this. The interesting part & true feelings normally come when the 3rd party is told the "friendship" is no longer suitable. In our case the blokes true feelings came pouring out in desperation. My wife was so angry she had been so naive.
No smoke without fire.