Controlling military fiance or depression / anxiety? (Sorry its so long)

[BlondeAmbition13]

This is my first post on mumsnet so please bear with me if I'm not abbreviating correctly etc . I am just looking for some advice on the behavior of my fiance.

A little background: we are from the same town in the north of England (families live within miles of each other), however he has been based in the South East of England for 7yrs. We got together 2 and a half years ago. Him living down there me living up north. After 18 months of only seeing each other at weekends I agreed to move down south and we got a house together. I moved away from the house I grew up in, the family I am very close to, the friends I cherish, my job and the only town I have ever known to live hundreds of miles away and him be the only person I know. I moved on the premise that it was temporary for two years. I had just finished my degree with a view to train as a secondary school teacher, however due to external circumstances I will have to wait till we move back up north until I can complete the training.

Anyway, the behaviour that is concerning me seems to have been creeping up for a while since I moved. I have always been a very social person who love, love, loves being with friends and making new ones. Unfortunately this hasn't happened since I moved down here, due to the type of job I'm in I haven't made any friends, meaning my fiance is the only person I know and speak to down here, aside from colleagues. This alone makes me feel sad and I miss home desperately, just the simple action of speaking to a friend is a rare treat.

I have a friend who I have known for 6 years who until before I moved I was very close to, now I daren't speak to him and risk my fiance kicking up the biggest fuss and absolutely slating him, which my fiance blames on the fact that i dated my friend for around 6 months, it didnt work out, we stayed very close friends 100% platonic. It's now a case where I barely speak to someone who is one of my closest friends. Said friend and I had concert tickets in June this year, the day before my fiance accused me of lying about the tickets, scheming with my friend behind his back and only caring about my friends. Reducing me to tears.

That isnt the first time he has done it, it being any time I try to see friends without him he causes a huge argument, so much so I end up in tears with him shouting at me about unrelated things, consistencies include him telling me I don't care, that he is so hard done by and stressed because of what I'm doing, that all I care about is my friends, bearing in mind that it's now getting to the point where I only see friends every few months now and he makes such a fuss every time that I'm on eggshells and nervous just to simply say I want to see my friends. He requires all my attention, all of the time.

In the arguments he punches the bed or the door frames, but never when I'm in the room. If I try to tell him I'm down or homesick or lonely he always tells me not to say it because he feels bad. I never blame him for how I feel he blames himself then projects it on me. I have so many things I could blame him for; no family or friends around, career on hold, working in a job I hate, but i never do. He is also often away for work throughout the week meaning I am totally alone mon-fri and I never ever complain. My Nan died recently too which has been tough and because of work I could only go back for one day for of the funeral so have had to grieve down here on my own. Can't say he hasn't been supportive with that because he has.

Every time these arguments occur, they always end one of two ways - him being upset (I'm going away this weekend for a friends birthday hence him reducing me to tears last night and prompting this post today, and he actually said to me that I would 'come back to find him hanging' and that he 'might as well plan his funeral' and that I am 'leaving him' and don't care) after he's been upset he apologises and says he doesnt know what is up with him, and he is so stressed, and he doesnt know why his moods are so bad etc. Or he ends the argument by telling me I need to make a decision on the future (i.e. whether I move back up north and away from him).

I don't know if maybe I am overreacting I was just looking for some advice if anyone has experienced the same thing. I understand if no one has actually made it this far down the post but thanks if anyone did

You're not overreacting. You can't live like this, and it won't get better. This is not your faulty. Honestly, run for the hills.

Leave now. There is no future with this man.

Hi op

He is controlling and emotionally manipulating you, also look up gas lighting it's an actual term. He is also timing the arguments to spoil any outing you have planned as to make you not go in the end.

He has managed to isolate you from friends and family and will continue to do so. He is now on to your confidence and self esteem which will be soon rock bottom.

I suspect before long he will become physical with you, all of this is to determine where your boundaries are and where he does find one to destroy it.

This will not end well you should pack your stuff and leave, please don't tell him your going and if he threatens suicide call the police and report it. They will go round and bollock him blues like him follow a pattern and none of it is good.

Fucking hell, you've already taken steps to trash your career before it's even started! For a violent man. Door frames now, later it'll be you.

RUN RUN RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

Blokes not blues.

This forum is littered with guys like him and the damage they do, this is a billet you can dodge without any further damage.

Run now! This man is abusive and controlling. If you carry on to marry him and, even worse, have children, you will be even more trapped and unhappy.

Sorry, that's my opinion and it's maybe not helpful, beyond you seeing that people think this is a terrifying situation, and wrong.

Can I suggest you start looking at online information about abusive men? I suspect a lot of things will ring true. That hanging threat is TEXTBOOK abusive shit.

Get out love

Please leave now.

After 6 months you will realize that you have made the right choice. He is abusing you and will get physical very soon if I dare to say.

Don't even question yourself or his actions. Just leave now and send his ring back by post. Don't tell him anything, just leave, when he is not around, pack your staff and just run. You do this favour to yourself, no one else.

Wishing you strength and a will power to take the right actions now.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation now...

Get out of this relationship before it gets any worse. You need a few friends not just one friend who is an ex. You're being forced to live a life you don't want to live and that isn't right. I agree with no going round in circles. Leave and get on with your life and do your teacher's training and whatever else you want to do without this horrible miserable controlling bully.

Leave. Now. And be glad there are no children on the scene.

Ltb.

Knowing military life, this will only get worse. If you marry you will have to move around with him. The isolation will get worse and his control will increase. Please, please follow the advice you have been given and leave.

You're not overreacting. You can't live like this, and it won't get better. This is not your fault. Honestly, run for the hills.

this x 1000

Just go back home love, start your career and be with your mates, have fun. Do not let this man bully you into continuing in a controlling relationship. He has shown you exactly who he is now, take notice.

You have to get out of there.

You have been isolated by an aggressive man who lacks empathy, and is determined to keep you under his control.

Go back to where you have friends and family. Don't wait for it to get worse, because it will, much worse.

Pack your stuff and leave. He is a bad man and he will ruin your life.
Hand your notice in at work and run back your family. You are not overreacting at all.

You need to leave him as soon as you can. Don't tell him you're going in advance. Go back to your lovely family and friends and try to get onto the teacher training course for this September.

God knows how you ended up with this awful man; it would be worth your while having some counselling, I think, to consider how it happened and how you can make sure it doesn't happen again.

If he's in the military then there must be someone there you can talk to about his violence after you get out. It's not unheard of there, unfortunately.

Oh and men like that threaten suicide all the time. They catastrophise everything. You're going to a gig? Suicide. You haven't ironed his shirt? Suicide. It's a load of crap and it's done to keep you in your place.

You need to leave and go and live back with family. Continue living unaccompanied or end the relationship now!

My DH is in the army too. We have just moved into MQ in the south east and have been on two previous postings before this. My DH would never ever put me down like this. I know my career is limited slightly because we have a disabled DS and with DH being away a lot, but he still supports every decision I make with friends, family and career. He encourages me to find friends and tries to set up days where we have his friends round with their partners etc. I met my now best friend last year (forces family too) and I am also great friends with her husband. We chat, have a coffee and my husband doesn't blink an eye.

You need to run and jump away from this man.

I wholeheartedly agree with all the PP's. Get yourself back home asap!

This is no way to live.

Apart from being sympathetic about you losing your Nan this man sounds very demanding and oblivious to your feelings. It is no easy feat uprooting and relocating and you have given it a fair go.

When things are at the stage where you keep having to prove your dedication and he stifles you then talks of killing himself to try and control you, it is time to get out.

Go home this weekend and don't go back.
Really!
None of this is OK.
He's controlling and very manipulative.
This WILL get worse and it will NEVER get better.
Please listen to the people on here who have been where you are and not left when they should have.
You are too young for all this shite.
Go home and enjoy your friends and family.
Please also sign up on-line to the Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
There are many red flags and you need to be able to spot them far sooner in future relationships.
Don't listen to his suicide bullshit.
If he threatens it then call the police and leave it to them.
None of this is your doing.
This is who he is - he is yelling it at you - over and over again - please listen!

I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to my post. This has been a lot to take in, thinking something yourself and hearing other people say it are two different things. I have googled the suggestions and there are a lot of things that ring true. As trackrBird said, something I have thought for a long time, he has zero empathy; he cannot comprehend feelings outside his own for even a second.

Right now I am rationalising in my head all the things that he has done in the past and can feel myself sounding like all the other women I have heard sticking up for abusive partners and have always pitied. I see it makes sense what everyone is saying but it is a hard step to up and leave. I know this sounds insane but I am almost waiting for it to get worse to cement the decision to leave! I know how that sounds, I am not an unintelligent woman but this situation has left me feeling so confused. Thanks again to everyone who has replied, I really appreciate the opinions and advice.

Avoid his family too, they will have someone with no empathy and an enabler who will side with him.

Well it takes on average 13 incidents before people leave abusive partners.
Their only regrets?? Not leaving sooner!
Give yourself some time.
It's an awful lot to take in.
Most women who are drawn in by abusive men are very intelligent independent women. That's the challenge for these kind of men. They want to break you. It's sick but it happens every single day.
Maybe get it out there to a friend in RL this weekend. See what they have to say about it all.

Do NOT feel ashamed. This is NOT your shame, it's all his.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does he meet?.

You are certainly not an unintelligent woman but a woman perhaps lacking in overall self worth. I think you were targeted by this person; he saw something in you that he could and has exploited to his own ends.

Look up gaslighting; he is certainly doing that and that alone should have you gone from this relationship of non equals. Someone with no empathy anyway is a red flag in itself - narcissists for instance have no empathy.

Abusers are not nasty all the time and you may be focussing on the "good times". His nice/nasty cycle is however, a continuous one. If you were to properly think about this though the so called good times were probably solely on his terms as well as now being a lot further and farther between.

How much do you actually know about him in terms of his family background; what sort of an example did they set him?. A poor one I would think. His family will likely back him over you as well.

You need to enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme because men like this one take an awful long time to recover from. I think your perspective on relationships is perhaps somewhat skewed anyway simply because you are still with him currently (the many red flags he has around him have simply not been properly recognised by you). Abuse like you are experiencing though is insidious in its onset but he is certainly telling you loud and clear who he really is now and he is abusive at heart (he is using suicide threats as a control mechanism. Controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours). This is NO way for you to be living.

It is not hard for you to leave now and no obstacle is insurmountable anyway. It will simply get harder the more over invested you become in this.