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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Last night, I had one of those nights where you find out who your friends are.

31 replies

ShipToWreck · 21/08/2015 09:12

Nobody passed.

I suppose as background, I split with my partner in March, after nearly 9 years together. He moved back to his parents and we initially didn't talk for a few weeks but slowly, since then, have been talking and meeting, and working towards a future. Last Thursday, we ended up at a corporate event together and in drunkenness, he said he missed me and we should try again. We shared a hotel room and slept in each others' arms.

Last night it emerged that he doesn't want us to get back together. He wants to be single for a while. He wants to be unattached and have a simple life. I've wished him all the best, told him I'll move out as soon as I can and he can collect his things when I'm gone. He didn't reply.

I miss him already and I keep hoping that he will change his mind. I kept waking up to check my phone. I am adamant that I won't contact him, though.

Practically, I'm pretty screwed. It would appear that my friends aren't great. I have a good job but I work from home due to my disabilities (fibromyalgia, bipolar, severe anxiety and depression). The office is in London and I go in when I can, for the company more than anything, but it's expensive. To remain being able to work from home, I need to keep a spare room. I can't afford to stay where I am without him paying half of the rent. We have no break clause, and 6 months left of the contract here. The council won't help until I've been evicted and then I'll lose my deposit as well as my mental health declining. It'd been stable here, I'd been doing well.

I am dying of loneliness. I miss him being here, or at least on the end of the phone. I'm considering installing a dating app just for people to talk too.

I can't drive, so I have to live on a bus route. I'm trying to learn but it's another cost.

I have no family. Tempted as I am to contact my Dad, I shouldn't. I had a hugely abusive childhood.

I feel like just going to bed whenever I'm not working and putting my head firmly in the sand.

OP posts:

theconstantvacuumer · 21/08/2015 09:19

What an awful situation, OP. Can you clarify how your friends come into this though? Do you mean that none have offered to help? Or that you can't talk to any of them about it?

GammonAndEgg · 21/08/2015 09:33

I'm so sorry, OP.
There IS a way through this, though. You just have to find it.

Original poster

ShipToWreck · 21/08/2015 09:33

I messaged five close friends. Two who I thought would be there for me through anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShipToWreck · 21/08/2015 09:33

I messaged five close friends. Two who I thought would be there for me through anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShipToWreck · 21/08/2015 09:34

Sorry. MN did an odd refresh thing...

OP posts:

Original poster

ShipToWreck · 21/08/2015 09:34

Sorry. MN did an odd refresh thing...

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 09:35

Sounds awful. But I don't see how your friends fit in either.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 09:36

Sorry x post

pictish · 21/08/2015 09:37

OP I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. I can see how stressful it must be.
How is it you feel your friends have let you down?

ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 09:38

They might just have not seen the messages yet, or had time/opportunity to respond yet, or understood the urgency of it for you.

I know that I have huge issues with worthiness and I've mentally wtitten people off as not caring, only for them to come through big time.

Give them chance x

pocketsaviour · 21/08/2015 09:57

Maybe your friends don't know what to say, or are unsure what help to offer? Obviously I don't know what your text said. Did you send a mass message? I think the trouble with that is that everyone sees it says "Hi all" and thinks oh, someone else will sort this :-\

On a practical note, you say you need a spare room in order to work - is that because of space/equipment? If you could pick up a one bedroom place with a large lounge or bedroom, would that work?

Original poster

ShipToWreck · 21/08/2015 10:29

One of my friends replied to say that she was having an argument with her boyfriend and would talk to me later. She didn't.

One read the messages and sent me an 'x', but that's it. Nothing else.

Nobody else responded. They saw the messages. Maybe they are fed up of this now, but I made it clear that I didn't want to talk about him, I just needed to talk to someone and not feel so alone.

Maybe I'm too much of a burden.

It wasn't a group message. It said; "I don't suppose you're free to talk about nothing in particular for a bit? It doesn't matter what. I'm feeling really down and I could use a laugh...I'll pay for the call :)" or something similar.

Pocket If I was on my own, I could make a lounge work. In a shared house, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to fit everything in the bedroom.

I feel like life has given up on me.

I'll add that nobody knows about last night's developments because none of them spoke to me...

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/08/2015 10:52

The ex was wrong to give you false hope and you are doing the right thing not to try and maintain further contact.

Nine years together and then splitting up must have been a massive upheaval. Your friends may yet contact you.

I know what it's like feeling hampered by a health condition. Sorry if it's something that you have already looked into but is there perhaps a local support group or eCommunity for those with your conditions?

pictish · 21/08/2015 10:53

Well...I'd say friend 1 had her own problems to prioritise, while friend 2 was otherwise engaged when she got your text. I don't know about the other three, but I'm going to guess that they didn't feel inclined to have an extended call with their sad friend at that particular moment, but didn't want to hurt your feelings by replying to the negative.

I know your self esteem has taken a battering, but don't assume it's because they don't care or don't like you. If it's an ongoing problem you've been leaning on them over for a while, it's possible they just thought not tonight.
That's seems so harsh I know...but friends are only 'there no matter what' in movies. Rl people have their own agenda to follow. If they have proved supportive thus far, then I think it's extreme to write them off.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/08/2015 10:55

I can understand feeling let down - but truly, it's a bit unfair to write off your friends as you don't know what is going on in their lives, either. I didn't answer a call from a friend yesterday because we always end up having marathon long phonecalls, and I was trying to finish writing a report that had a deadline. (Pretty sure she was just ringing for a chat, but still.) Other times I've been in the throes of a migraine, I've had my phone charging in the other room, have had it on silent and I'm watching a film, etc etc. Honestly, it's not always about you.

And - I work from home, and have my office in my small bedroom. It really isn't ideal, I understand that - not least because my work generates quite a lot of paperwork and so I have more lever arch files in my bedroom than room for my clothes. It's really not the restful space I'd like, and forget about romance! But - for me, anyway - there hasn't been any choice, so I've had to get on with it. Obviously I don't know what your work is, or how big your rooms are, so it may not work for you, but don't write it off just yet without considering whether it's possible.

pictish · 21/08/2015 10:58

I didn't answer a call from a friend yesterday because we always end up having marathon long phonecalls, and I was trying to finish writing a report that had a deadline.

Exactly. People have other stuff going on in their lives. Obligations, responsibilities and well as simply being knackered and not in the mood for a long phone call.

PotteringAlong · 21/08/2015 11:03

Maybe they were not free? It was a request, not a summons! What time did you text them?

Original poster

ShipToWreck · 21/08/2015 11:03

I'm not blaming my friends. I understand they have their own problems too - I responded to the friend who was arguing with her boyfriend to wish her well and let her know I was around if she needed me.

It just hasn't helped with the feeling of being absolutely deserted. I've lost him, I've lost his parents (who have been like surrogate parents for me since I was 16), I've lost his extended family.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShipToWreck · 21/08/2015 11:03

It just hasn't helped with the feeling of being absolutely deserted. I've lost him, I've lost his parents (who have been like surrogate parents for me since I was 16), I've lost his extended family.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore.

OP posts:

EquinoxEclipse · 21/08/2015 11:03

I am with some of the previous posters. Sorry you're having a rubbish time, but if this has been going on for a while, maybe your friends need some time to deal with their own stuff. It's nothing personal. I'm assuming you're there for them in the same circumstances?

pictish · 21/08/2015 11:14

To be fair, you did say you'd had one of those nights when you find out who your friends are, and none of them passed which sounded pretty damning to me. I am glad to see you have gained perspective in your last post.

Meanwhile I understand your change in circumstances has been a huge blow to you. I really do sympathise. Fwiw I have been in that place where I felt I didn't belong anywhere, that I was just a speck on the peripheral making my own way, unnoticed. The best thing you can do is decide to belong to yourself and take pride in your resilience and ability in slowly building a new life for yourself, tailor made to suit your own needs and nobody else's.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/08/2015 11:15

Are you sure you've lost his extended family, OP? My mum remained friends with my ex-SIL after my brother's divorce, and I remain friends with my ex-inlaws, too (although we never married so ex-non-inlaws, really). You've been a part of their life for a long time, they might be missing you too.

Pancakeflipper · 21/08/2015 11:23

Don't wipe out the friends over that text.
Ok no-one dropped what they were doing instantly. But one paused in her own domestic row to return a text. One sent you a kiss so they either care or were just doing lip-service.

This is why texts are crap because it's not really the best way to get immediate attention. From the text you gave - it gives no details of the recent events that have caused you to probably separate for good. They don't know what's happened.

Don't wipe them out because you are feeling so wretched about the break-up with your partner. Don't take it out on them as you've enough to deal with.

I hope you are ok and I hope you contact a friend (by phone) to come over and spend time with you.

Break ups really hurt and hope you are being kind to yourself.

Pancakeflipper · 21/08/2015 11:25

Oops crossed post... sorry.

Twinklestein · 21/08/2015 11:45

I think the text message itself was probably to blame. I don't know that I'd respond to a friend who said they wanted to 'talk about nothing for a bit' if I were busy.

I think if you'd been more forthright like 'split with ex, life going down pan, need help' - the response might have been different.

I don't think anyone would have guessed from your breezy, relaxed message how low you really felt. Perhaps you were afraid to ask.

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