Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so worried for my friend

28 replies

MartyrStewart · 20/08/2015 23:54

Hi, I have witnessed the awesome power of the MN relationship board over the years, never thought I would have to ask for help.

I am assuming you are thinking that I am asking for myself by the title, that's fine, either way your advice is appreciated, although the advice is genuinely for my friend.

I advised her the last time I spoke to her that her new partner was throwing up red flags (abusive language and demanding just a few weeks in to their relationship) but she swatted my concerns aside.

for various reasons we haven't spoken for a few weeks, but I have just got off the phone to her, and I am genuinely concerned for her.

This guy is a totally controlling cocklodger, she agrees that she needs to get out of the relationship, but is scared to do so as he has threatened her and her pets with violence.

I need practical advice please, firstly although she owns her own home, she wants to leave and needs her two large dogs and a cat taken care of short term until he is off the scene.

Secondly, the actual throwing him out. As I have said it is her home but she is genuinely scared of him. He has been monitoring her phone calls, gaslighting her and has physically abused her.

She ended our call with 'I can hear him pulling up, I need to make sure the phone is in the cradle as he left it.'

There are no DC involved and she doesn't have family she can turn to. All advice gratefully received, thank you for reading this far.

OP posts:
fabuLou · 20/08/2015 23:58

that's grim good advice will follow

Original poster
MartyrStewart · 21/08/2015 00:01

Thank you.

OP posts:
FortyCoats · 21/08/2015 00:03

I assume because she said she could hear him returning, that he leaves her so she could get away?

I really don't know who the first port of call should be (police, WA, family) but I do know there are lots of posters with experience who can guide you and help you to help her. I'm not sure if it's a bite late though so make sure to pop back tomorrow and bump the thread.

Flowers
FortyCoats · 21/08/2015 00:04

*bit

Original poster
MartyrStewart · 21/08/2015 00:07

I totally agree, I'm off to bed myself in a bit. I just wanted to create a thread while the conversation was fresh in my mind.

Thank you for your post, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
FortyCoats · 21/08/2015 00:14

You're welcome Smile

You're a good friend. Try to make sure you're looking after yourself too as you try to help her. Fear and worry on your part will naturally deplete you of your own energy reserves.

Sleep well.

theredlion · 21/08/2015 00:17

Advise her to call Women's Aid and the Police on 101 to speak to a Domestic Violence liaison officer.

Suggest she makes coded notes as a record of incidents.

Then she needs legal advice some solicitors still give 30 minutes free advice.

Do you know anyone who can help with the pets in the short term?

theredlion · 21/08/2015 00:19

Sorry, I was typing in a hurry.

I agree with PP, you are a good friend.

Could she dictate some of the incidents to you inc dates and times? This helps when you speak to the Police.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/08/2015 00:21

I'm glad she has you.

Some women's shelters - who know all too well that women and children are frightened about leaving their pets behind - have sort of foster care arrangements for women who run from abusive homes with their pets. Google "women's aid [your town]" to track down who to contact.

springydaffs · 21/08/2015 00:29

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Call at night 7pm-7am if she can - if not, send an email with contact details and safe time to call. Delete orhide emails, history etc.

Police DV unit on 101. That would be my first step if she can't call WA at night.

2Retts · 21/08/2015 00:39

Agree with everything FortyCoats mentions.

Personally I would mention it to the police (101 call) as a potentially volatile situation. Then WA for comprehensive advice.

If she is in fear for the safety of her pets, perhaps she has somebody that can look after them for a couple of days at short notice (at the point where she takes action).

The next step would be for her to arrange to be somewhere else in the immediate aftermath of him becoming aware that he is persona non grata.

I would also suggest making an emergency application for a Non Molestation Order with strict proximity conditions in order that she can rely upon the police if he is anywhere near her for a period following separation.

You do sound like a lovely friend MartyStewartand she is going to need a lot of encouragement and support...she may waver and need reminding of his behaviour. I think it may steel her resolve if you focus upon his threats to her pets.

Sleep well Martyr and you too when you get there FortyCoats.

2Retts · 21/08/2015 00:52

Brilliant advice from everybody as usual on here. Took so long to type my reply, x-posted with everybody beyond Forty Grin

Love theredlion's advice about actively logging incidents/behaviour.

FortyCoats · 21/08/2015 00:56

You too 2Retts Smile

thecatneuterer · 21/08/2015 00:58

The Dogs Trust Freedom Project provides short term foster care for dogs in situations such as this: www.moretodogstrust.org.uk/freedom-project/freedom-project

They should also be able to advise on organisations in the area that could help with the cat. If she is in London please pm me and I may be able to give more advice on the cat.

travellinglighter · 21/08/2015 01:53

Oh god, I have no advice but I hate the fact that so many of us with a Y chromosome are such arseholes.

TL

shebefierce · 21/08/2015 13:14

Is she currently in her own home and wanting to leave her home to get away from him?

MorrisZapp · 21/08/2015 13:19

If she's only been with him a short time and it's her home surely she can chuck him out? Seems insane to leave her own home.

Do either of you have friends, dads or brothers who could oversee this scrote's ejection?

Failing that, if she fears violence thenshe could ask the police to be present as he leaves then get a restraining order or similar.

Christ, what a situation.

Cocolepew · 21/08/2015 13:25

I agree with Morris, could she get the police to be there when she asks him to leave, and get the locks etc changed?
Hope it works out for her Flowers

Cocolepew · 21/08/2015 13:25

I agree with Morris, could she get the police to be there when she asks him to leave, and get the locks etc changed?
Hope it works out for her Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 21/08/2015 13:30

Exactly what PPs have said.
Womens Aid and 101 police ask for the DV unit.
If it's more immediate (and it really should be) can she go with her pets to the local police station and get some help right away?
Explain everything.
They may well be able to get him out and frighten him into leaving her alone.
A non-molestation order will be needed quick sharp as well.
Poor girl. Why do so many of us ignore the early warning signs?
Keep in touch with her when you can and support her as much as possible.

OhDearMuriel · 21/08/2015 13:44

This sounds like she's almost a hostage in her own home and he's an unwanted trespasser.
She needs the support of her local constabulary to kick him out post haste.
She should go there in person asap.
It's her home and he needs to leave not her!!

0dfod · 21/08/2015 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 21/08/2015 13:59

It's insane to leave her own home. He could literally destroy it.

She needs an emergency non-molestation order - for which she needs to contact the national centre for domestic violence:

www.ncdv.org.uk/

Tel 0800 970 2070

They will tell her what she needs to do in order to get one.

She needs to call or go to her local police station on 101 today as posters have said. She must explain the situation, detail all the threats and acts of violence. It will help if she can take an incident diary with her. She needs to organise throwing him out with the police who can be there to 'prevent a breach of the peace' if necessary.

I'm pretty sure the police will assess her as 'high risk'.

She needs her non-mol in place before she gets ready to boot him out.

And obviously, call Women's Aid as well for advice.

Twinklestein · 21/08/2015 14:01

I should have said an emergency non-mol through the ncdv is free.

Original poster
MartyrStewart · 21/08/2015 16:05

Thank you all for your advice, I am taking it on board and will pass it all on. I'll let you know how it goes.

OP posts: