AIBU about moving house?

[CerseiLannistersEyebrow]

Although cos it's in this forum please don't give me the AIBU harshness.

I have a 5 month old DS and a DH I've been married to for 3 yrs. Last year we had to move very quickly and as a result moved into not the best place. The flat is lovely but I have a commute that is more than 3 hours a day. It's a very unpleasant commute too that makes me stressed and exhausted.

As a result of this commute I will never be at home to put DS to bed. I can do compressed hours so I have an extra day but that means I will never ever be at home for his bedtime. I'm back to work in October.

My DH agreed my commute was awful and we were looking for other places. We found one, a lovely one, that would have given me an extra 45 minutes each way a day and meant I could do compressed hours and be home for bedtime.

We accepted but then my DH went mad about moving. He hates it, finds it very traumatic (divorce as a child issues) and had a very visceral and upsetting reaction which meant I got in touch with the landlord and retracted our offer. It is now too late, and we won't find somewhere like that again (accepted cats, kids and partial benefits)

Am I being unreasonable to be eaten up with resentment at him over this? I need to get over it and accept we're stuck here (an area I hate, but where my DH is originally from so he doesn't). I am really never going to see my DS in the week. I am finding it hard to enjoy the time I have with him now because I am so preoccupied with this. I am the breadwinner and DH is a SAHD so no choice but to work full time.

Why is it moving very traumating for him? Is he willing to move to another flat/area?

He needs to either get a job so you can go part time, get over himself and move or get therapy.. Although regardless I would say therapy.

It's unfair that quality life is affected in this way.

You need to be a lot tougher with your husband. I don't have any sympathy for the moving trauma I'm afraid, and I think your tough commute and the fact you don't get to see your child are much more important. You shouldn't have caved to his emotional blackmail.

I don't see why you have 'no choice' but to work FT, why can't your H work PT?

Because he hasn't been able to find a PT job and has no qualifications, and also I like my career and we wanted one of us at home. I felt like I didn't have a choice to, I didn't want to do something that would make him react like that.

Id do the compressed hours. Your husband can deal with putting them to bed 4 nights and you do 3.

If you both decided that he is to be the sahp then it does make sense that it is in an area where he knows people etc.

It's very unlikely we would find somewhere else. This place was a one off, so much so I thought it was fate or something!

He doesn't know people here though. His family moved away. In fact the other place was near people we know! But I do think its important he's happy. He'll be the one at home.

Which is why he reacted like he did - to manipulate you to do what he wants.

He's being unbelievably selfish, prioritising his feelings over your commute and quality time with his son. He's happy, with no need to work, in his old neighbourhood.

Having no qualifications doesn't mean he can't work, there are immigrants who come to this country with no quals, not even speaking the language who manage to find work, I don't see why he can't.

He needs to train for something.

But what is the problem in moving op? Is he opposed to move at all? Does he want to stay in the area to stay close to family? Would he consider finding another place with a shorter commute?

It's important that you're happy, and that your son is happy.

Neither of us want him to work and it wouldn't be feasible for me to go part time. He is the SAHP.

He said we could move but his reaction was so off the scale I felt like I had to say no. He finds moving traumatic due to something that happened in his childhood. He hates it with a passion but also gets incredibly angry and depressed about it.

YANBU to move. You shouldn't have caved. It isn't ideal to resent him, better to address it and move later than you would have preferred.

Don't assume you won't find somewhere else: you were lucky once and could well be again.

Also sounds like you are unhappy to be the sole earner now or in the longer term: YANBU on that too.

If your relationship isn't great you might also want to consider the legal aspects of breaking up with the current set up (eg DC residency).

He agrees my commute is hellish and agreed to move in theory. He just didn't expect me to find somewhere. He is ashamed of his reaction but I still feel very resentful and upset.

Has he sought help for his emotions / mental health issue about moving?

I'm not unhappy being the sole earner, I love my job. I just wish I could see DS more, at least to put him to bed.

Our relationship is mostly great. I didn't have time not to cave, she wanted references that day. I either had to tell her no or tell our landlord we were leaving. I wish I hadn't caved but I felt like I had to.

I agree it is important for him to be happy. I dont agree that he must necesarily woh, many families thrive with a sahp.
But that doesnt mean that his wishes are more important than yours. He needs therapy or a grip, it is not reasonable for him to force his family to be unhapy for unreasonable motivations.

No, but I'm going to tell him he needs to. This isn't normal.

When you moved last year, was his reaction to that move as stressed as this last potential one was?

No, but it was because I was pregnant and had HG and we had to move (eviction due to selling) and he stepped up. He was also happy about moving back to his childhood area.

Right. Well I don't blame you for being pissed off, but you're going to have to find a way past this as a couple, or you're going to be resentful for ever more.

That one house came up - another will come along eventually.

But before that, your DH has to step up and take responsibility for sorting his issues out. Then the two of you can work together to make the move as stress free as possible, whatever that entails. Maybe start packing a month in advance. Make a very detailed list of what gets packed on what date. If his anxiety is about leaving stuff, then create checklists, etc.

There are things that he can do to manage his anxiety, but he has to get himself sorted, you can't be expected to do all the work for him, and he needs to accept that your family life is being severely impacted by the length of your current commute.

There's no issue with him being the SAHP if that's what you've decided as a family - I was a SAHM for 7 years. However, he does need to find a way to manage his reaction to moving, whether that's through therapy or whatever. His needs do not trump yours!

Thank you. He's agreed to visit the doctor tomorrow. He's ashamed of his reaction. He says he'll bring DS up for lunch as much as possible and sometimes meet me after work to head home together in the meantime.

So the choice is: extreme but short term discomfort for him, or less extreme but endless discomfort for you?

He needs to find a way of dealing with his short-term discomfort for the greater good. You having a hellish commute for ever far outweighs his short term anxiety.

Good plan. Get it sorted though - we've lived somewhere that I really don't like for far too long and now that we've decided to take the plunge and move, I feel sooo much happier!

Good luck op. I wish that he sorts out his issues and you find a nice home closer to work.