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Original poster

How to stop sleeping in separate beds?

34 replies

Tallblue · 19/08/2015 12:29

DH and I have a 1 year old DD. She always, without fail, wakes a few times during the night and cries out. She doesn't want to be fed, the crying is sometimes because she has lost her dummy, or other times it is just random sleep crying, who knows, maybe she has nightmares? Generally she is awake less than a minute and goes back to sleep.

Anyhow, I suffer really badly with insomnia once I have been woken during the night. It can take a few hours to get back to sleep and I generally need to read a book to get sleepy. For quite a few months I would be woken by DD (noise via baby monitor) and then go into the spare room where I could switch a light on to read, then go back to sleep. So I'd start the night in bed with DH then wake in the spare room. In more recent months to avoid broken sleep I have started each night sleeping in the spare room from the beginning, the logic being I know I'm going to be woken if I stay in the master bedroom with my husband.

This was intended as a temporary measure but has now become the norm. Each night we go our separate ways and I sleep in the spare room. He is able to get straight back to sleep when the baby cries during the night so he has no problem with being the one with the monitor.

I'm feeling increasingly distant from DH and know it's not normal not to sleep in the same bed. But, I can't get past the fact I'll be woken (with no real need) if I go back to sleeping in the master bedroom with him.
I'm not sure what I'm asking really. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this? Should I just bite the bullet, put up with the long periods of wakefulness during the night and move back into the marital bed?

OP posts:
Ridingthegravytrain · 19/08/2015 12:45

It's not that unusual to sleep apart nor is it something that should cause relationship issues (you're only sleepingSmile) my dh and I slept apart for years until he cured his twitchy legs and snoring. And the kids started sleeping through.

Just a thought do you still need the monitor? We have ours muted now as if they really needed us we would hear it anyway!

Iloveonionchutney · 19/08/2015 12:51

I don't have any tips really other than to say that as a light sleeper me and my husband sleep separately most of the time too. We try and maybe have 2-3 nights a week in together but it's not always possible (especially if he starts snoring) usually when I'm the most tired and less likely to be disturbed, we've just accepted that's how it is for us but it's taken me nearly two years to be comfortable with it!
I do have sleeping tablets too now as I was getting to the end of my tether with not sleeping and it was affecting my day to day life too much.
I agree about the monitor too, maybe try without as it's surprising how much you listen for it just because it's there rather than it just wake you when your needed.

fearandloathinginambridge · 19/08/2015 12:53

Sleep deprivation is probably not something you should be seeking.

I don't sleep in the same room as my DH for various reasons including, initially at least, the fact that I was co-sleeping with DS. Both of us love our own space and we've been married for 15 years this year so sleeping apart isn't always a bad thing. Obviously, that is my own experience based on what DH and myself can personally tolerate and are prepared to do.

Is your DH putting pressure on you to sleep with him? If so then that is worrying. If you are just putting pressure on yourself because you think it is not normal for partners to sleep apart then I think you need to forget that and carry on with the healthy option at the moment which is getting sufficient sleep for yourself.

You should also bear in mind that things will not stay like this forever. Eventually your dd will sleep through and you will be back in bed with your dh as per.

schlong · 19/08/2015 17:42

My take's a tad different in that I prefer sleeping with my dc to their farting beer breathed daddy any day of the week. He has his own room and its also officially our shagging room then off I skip to join sweet breathed dc again. Works for us. But we're weird.

fearandloathinginambridge · 19/08/2015 17:45

Schlong - I like your style. I totally get wher you're coming from.

Cirsium · 19/08/2015 17:50

I'm another one who sleeps separately from DH, due to his (often acted out) nightmares and night sweats. We decided after a year of trying to sleep in the same bed that we needed to sleep apart or we were going to end up getting divorced.

I currently share with 6 month old DD and will probably buy a good sofa bed to use once she needs her own room.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 19/08/2015 17:52

Loads of people sleep apart - relax and do what is best for your marriage. Nothing else matters.

SuckingEggs · 19/08/2015 17:56

Yep, sounds familiar. Aiming to go back to the same bed - but only for half the week.

Sanchar · 19/08/2015 18:17

I'm another one with my own boudoir, it is heaven having my own room away from snoring, mouth breathing, sweaty, nightmare acting out dh.

sleep is selfish for a reason.

and, if it's good enough for thousands of years of royalty, it's good enough for meGrin

AndDeepBreath · 19/08/2015 18:48

Yup, another one. We sleep in separate beds; it saved our marriage after 2 years of not sleeping properly at first. I'd fall asleep, he'd lie awake with insomnia for ages, finally fall sleep and snore louder than a sodding foghorn I'd eventually kick him out of desperation, the cycle would continue and so on. Now very happy. Still intimate. We just actually sleep separately. It's fine!

Sorry you miss it though - maybe you could "force" yourselves through 1 very sleep deprived night a week at first, then 2 etc? Sounds like it'll fade in time anyway when DC starts sleeping through!

shiteforbrains · 19/08/2015 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

80sMum · 19/08/2015 18:56

I'm another one! DH and sleep in separate bedrooms. It's wonderful being able to go to sleep knowing that I won't be woken up by him snoring or thrashing about!

HoneyDragon · 19/08/2015 19:02

What your doing isn't abnormal. I'm sure normal sleeping for guys will resume in time Smile but

Another with his and hers bedrooms here. I to adore my lovely boudoir,

AndDeepBreath · 19/08/2015 19:04

"I am also worried that if he does come back in to our room I will murder him in his sleep"

^ this Smile

Shodan · 19/08/2015 19:04

Dh and I sleep separately for at least 3 or 4 nights a week. Sometimes it's because he's still doing some work, sometimes he needs to be up very early, or because I'm going through (yet another) period of insomnia.

We deliberately bought sofas long enough to accommodate him comfortably, although he can now use ds1's bedroom since he is away at uni most of the year.

I find that it takes a couple of nights to readjust to him being in the bed (after an extended period of separation), coupled with the use of sleeping pils (otc) and earplugs, then I'm ok again.

TBH I think I'd be happy never to sleep in the same room again, but since we rarely DTD our nighttime cuddles are where most of our intimacy comes from...

NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure · 19/08/2015 19:08

Do what works for you. My partner and I sleep separately because we both have various aches, bought a Tempur mattress to help us both and it only helps him, so I'm in the spare room - not wasting £1500! I also enjoy not having to put up with any snoring.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 19/08/2015 21:00

Can I ask a question? Genuinely curious, as my dps parents have separate beds but a very loving relationship. How is sex initiated? If you can't just " fumble " and it happens, do you pre arrange it? I've wanted to ask for 2 years but his mum would skelp me I think.....Blush

kittensinmydinner · 19/08/2015 21:34

I am afraid that I am going to upset everyone by saying that I did this and it ended in divorce. It became the norm, I liked it, I channelled everything into dcs and their comfort/happiness . He felt 'extra' . All I am saying is BE CAREFUL ! We turned into brother/sister/flatmate. It's easy to do.

AndDeepBreath · 19/08/2015 21:41

... Through a special and elaborate dance, and only on Wednesdays Wink

It just happens really, same as it always has. Sleeping in separate rooms doesn't stop you cuddling or being physical or anything - it's just sleep.

Thinking about it, we're only "apart" very last thing at night before drifting to sleep, and we wouldn't do it then anyway (on account of exhaustion). Back together first thing in morning.

AndDeepBreath · 19/08/2015 21:42

Sorry to hear that kittens Flowers

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 19/08/2015 21:47

Ta deepbreath I wasn't sure if it had to be planned or if it was bad form to nip through and jump into the other bed. Makes sense I suppose if you're gonna, you're gonna Wink

AndDeepBreath · 19/08/2015 21:53

Heh, happy I could help! Probably depends on the kind of people you are too. We're both introverts and like our own space occasionally which might add up to it working better Smile

justabigdisco · 19/08/2015 22:02

Get rid of the baby monitor?

Shirleycantbe · 19/08/2015 22:03

What about putting the monitor on your husband's side of the bed, turning it right down and you wearing ear plugs?

BikeRunSki · 19/08/2015 22:08

Get a Kindle so you can read in the dark.